I can’t keep this up...
I can’t keep acting like I don’t know what’s out there...
I can’t watch a world die because I don’t feel like doing anything about it...
I can’t keep this up...
Nor can I lose my knowledge, now matter how much I’d like to.

Ya, I was down in the shit all right, I was so far in it I couldn’t even smell it anymore. I just wanted to stay in that corner for as long as I possibly could, in my clothes that I’d been wearing for the past 5 days. I wanted to keep my hair as unkempt as I possibly could, the hair I hadn’t washed for 5 days. And I wanted to keep my body as unsanitary as possible, the body I hadn’t cleaned in 5 days. After all, why would I wanna change out of my favorite suit, I loved my cotton, long sleeved ‘Fabrics’ shirt. Not to mention the jeans I’ve owned for 4 years, some people say holes in your jeans is just disgusting.... I believe they’re like metals, one rip for each great feat. And I just adored my brown leather jacket my mom bought for me 10 years ago, especially the tassels that hung from it. Ya, mom was a great person, it’s sad when someone like that dies, but I’m positive my sorrow was a step up from everyone else’s. When someone dies most people are busy feeling sad because of the loss, they’re paying their respects..... I didn’t go to my mother’s funeral. No, my sorrow was different, I didn’t pay my respects, I cursed into the sky hoping she’d hear me. I screamed as many obscenities as I could to no physical form, I didn’t feel sad for her, I felt sad for me. I no longer had a shoulder to cry onto, I didn’t have someone I could run to. From that time on, friends, I knew life would be one long hellish ride. I can’t tell how long I was sitting there, could’ve been 2 hours or 2 days, I was thinking about to much to remember. My memory kicks in at one point though, I was sitting there crying for myself and how sad I’d become when I heard some inconsiderate sod scream out.
"HEY! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY STORE! DON’T YOU BUMS EVER LEARN!"
I looked up from my lap, trying to look as if I wasn’t crying, when I realized where I was. I happened to be sitting outside of "Madame Soutier’s", a very fancy restaurant in the south end of town. The man started shooing me away with his hands and continued his incessant whining
"Go on, go back to your garbage can or where ever it is you sleep."
On any other day I would’ve been offended, but today I felt proud to be called a bum. I stopped trying to hide my emotions, I got up and walked away quietly and wept while walking. I considered sitting down again in the first alleyway I could find, and just lay forever again, but I knew it was time to quit playing foolish fucked up games. I pulled up as much strength as I could to make myself stop this weeping and consider my options. I checked my pockets and found three dollars and fifty cents.
"Damn, am I ever hungry. All this sorrow makes a man want to eat himself if he needs to."

I thought to myself as I walked inside of the street cafe. I ordered a coffee, no fixins or anything, just some black coffee, and a chocolate donut. As soon as I got my order I looked for a seat as far away from people as one would reach. I noticed that there was only one table open and a group was seated around a table next to it. I walked up, placed my meal on the table and dragged it over to a corner.
"Hmm, funny, been spending a lot of time in corners lately..."
I thought to myself. I pulled a seat up and sat down at my table and began my feast. As I bit into my donut I began the daily conversation with my thoughts, my conscious started the chit-chat today.
"What am I to do know? First Mother dies and leaves me to rot in this graying world, then Mary joins her... Mary was almost as beautiful as Momsy, except I could share a certain experience with Mary that I couldn’t with Momsy. I could spend a care free night with Mary, get drunk and just screw my brains out with her, wake up the next morning and screw some more. Yes, aside from the screwing Mary was quite a bit like Momsy, but now she was gone too. I don’t care how ‘good’ of a junky you think you are, you can never take 10 lines of strong blow. Not even fuckin’ Superman can take that kind of high, but Mary tried, and died. And then there’s Dad, as far as we’re concerned Dad’s dead, right?"
My sub-conscious answered "Of course, don’t even bother mentioning him."
My conscious continued his epic story..."We were so close to ending it right then and there, when Mary bit it, we were ready to do ourselves in. Had the gun and everything, we had it in our mouth and all, only one single thing in this world kept us over on this side. You have the same intentions for staying over here as I do, don’t you?"
My sub-conscious sounded like it finished chewing whatever it was eating and spoke up. "Depends, what were your intentions?"
My conscious sounded surprised,"How could you even ask, we’ve got to find a way out of this vessel. We’ve got to find a way to escape from the physical form without destroying ourselves in the process. Hell, if we do away with the physical form we may never know if we go to the other side with him. But now, we’re in a whole new position, we’ve lost our job and our apartment has even been stolen. The only thing we have to our name is a bed, a desk and a gun. We don’t even have any love, although the gun can substitute for love at the moment."
After my conscious hadn’t said a word for a few seconds my sub-conscious kicked in and said "Perhaps it’s time to take that chance, if we stay along with this vessel much longer we’ll surely go insane and never know the real answer."
My conscious dropped it’s defenses and excuses and said, real low "I suppose you’re right, let’s go."

I finished my donut off, had 4 sips of my coffee and stood up from out of my chair. As I walked towards the door I gave the group of people sitting in the table closest to mine a nasty glare, just because they were around me. It’s funny the way that works, I always pictured my last hours on earth to be happy ones. When I stepped outside I realized it was afternoon.... Hmm, was it night when I entered the cafe? Oh well, no worries. I began my long trek home, actually forgot how to get there to tell you the truth. No, let me rephrase that, it’s not that I forgot, more like I didn’t give a damn where I was going, that attitude identified how my life was going. It must’ve been about 5 hours later when I finally realized that I was in the main entrance of my apartment. I was to busy thinking while I was walking to really pay attention to where I was. My instincts must’ve kicked in and directed my body towards my ‘home’. I noticed I was holding the door wide open, I looked outside into the main hall and saw Mrs.Kruger opening her door with a grocery bag in her hands. I couldn’t explain why, but suddenly I felt at peace, maybe it’s because I actually knew what I was going to do in the next 20 minutes (First time in 24 years), so I smiled and waved to Mrs.Kruger. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t hitting on her or anything. God, no way in hell I was hitting on Mrs.Kruger, the woman is 72 years old to the max. She even dresses like she’s in her 70’s, the pin on sweater, thick glasses and thick black shoes. She wore a really long skirt with blue flowers and sported a black cane. No way in hell was I hitting on Mrs.Kruger, I just felt like I wanted to help someone out in my last moments alive. Mrs.Kruger finally realized I was waving to her, she looked surprised when she turned her head my way, not the happy surprise, the scared shitless surprise. She fidgeted with her key to unlock her door as fast as she could. I knew what she was thinking.
"Oh my god, the crazy young hot head is waving to me."

She finally got the door open and ran in as fast as she possibly could, slamming it behind her. Jesus, forgot the whole planet was paranoid of themselves. I got so damn angry, why couldn’t anybody just let me be happy when I wanted to, angry when I wanted to be, sad when I wanted to be. I stomped into my room, slammed the door and hopped on my bed, next to the wall. I punched the wallpaper on the wall (which is incidentally connected to the wall) and placed my face up against the smooth material. I kind of half kissed, half tasted the wall with my fist still on it, as if glued before took in a deep breath and screamed so loud that the whole building could hear me.
"FUCKIN’ BITCH! I HATE YOU, YOU MAKE ME FEEL INSIGNIFICANT!"

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down as I slumped down to my bed. I don’t care what anyone tells you, breathing slow and calm does not calm you down, it just gets the blood flowing in your heart. The rage began to build up again, I pictured her in her room, scared and curled up in a corner. I pictured her picturing me as an evil, psychotic man, holding her cane, hoping it would help her. I conjured up a vision of her calling me the most impure creature on the face of the planet... And I started to cry. I clenched my hand into a fist again and ran at the wall this time, even angrier than before. I punched the smooth material as hard as I could several times. I attempted anything to get the painful image out of my head, god, I even tried slamming my head against the wall several times. I kept assaulting the defenseless object as I screamed
"FUCK YOU! WHO ARE YOU TO THINK OF ME LIKE THAT! WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME YOU, YOU FUCKIN’ WRINKLED UP BITCH!."
The pain still remained inside my mind, I bit my tongue to think of something else, I bit it until it bled. Even the self-inflicted pain didn’t destroy the uncontrolled thoughts, I fell against the wall and started a chant, which started off as screaming, but slowly died down to a crying whimper.
"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! I HATE YOU! Fuck you! Fuck you! Leave me alone! I hate you... Leave me alone... I fuckin’ hate you."
The quieter I got the slower I punched the wall, I sat there and looked at all the blood pouring out of my mouth from my wound. I half laughed at the irony of it all, Mrs. Kruger should be the one bleeding for thinking of me the way she did, but yet, I was bleeding. I finally realized I was never going to spend a devoted moment on this earth, so I knew it was time. I pulled out my gun and looked over the room one last time. Yup, it was still there, the ratty desk and my torn up bed.... The only two items the robbers hadn’t taken. I loved my desk today, I never really used it, but I loved it today, just for being present. It was in the worst condition, gum stuck to it under and above, burn marks and even stripped down areas. I climbed up onto my desk and sat down on it.

"It’s the perfect comfort zone for my death throne"
I thought to myself, I began feeling rather happy again, knowing I was about to discover the great unknown. I lifted the gun up to my mouth and placed the barrel on my bleeding tongue. I began to crack a smile as I placed my finger on the trigger. I didn’t even hesitate to pull it, but before I could pull it back fully a force held my strength back. It was my 2 friends speaking inside of me again.
"Wait! We still have time to explore other possibilities." My conscious screamed at the vessel.
"Bullshit! This vehicle is inspiring us to be weak, we must either die now or go on to possess the earth with our knowledge. We’ll only know the decision when this tool pulls the trigger." The sub-conscious said, looking anxious, like a child waiting for his candy.
"Give me 48 hours, and if I can’t make the vessel discover the answer in a physical form than we can do away with it and await our jury’s verdict." Laying down the deal, the conscious looked desperate.
The sub-conscious looked out the vessels eyes, down at the gun, and his trembling finger. With a sigh, like a child not having enough change to buy his lolli-pop the sub-conscious let down his defenses. "Only 48 hours, no more."
"Perfect, let me get to work." The conscious said ending the conversation in my mind.

Jesus, I couldn’t even kill myself. The more I tried to force the trigger down the harder of a task it became. I fidgeted on the desk, trying to throw my body weight into the trigger, but I had no luck. I even attempted choking myself with the barrel of the gun, but that proved futile as well. I finally gave up and dropped my hand and the gun in my lap. I sat there and cried for myself for who knows how long until I released my rage. With reddened eyes and a blurry vision I raised the gun towards the wall that I shared with Mrs.Kruger. I saw her on the other side, staring at me and making fun of me. I stabbed at the wall (which was 5 ft. away) with my gun a couple of times and whimpered until I screamed.
"LEAVE ME FUCKIN’ BE! LEAVE ME BE!"
In all my attempted stabbing and screaming I pulled the trigger several times, and each bullet went through the wall. I didn’t hear Mrs.Kruger scream, I didn’t even know how many times I pulled the trigger, but I knew she was dead. I could see her, in the same vision that I saw her mocking me, she was there, lying in a pool of blood. I hopped up and off the desk and ran into the main hall and shot open Mrs.Kruger’s door. When I finally kicked it open she was laying there, on her bed, sure enough dead in a pool of her blood. I cried and clenched me fists until I drew blood out of them. I marched over to her body and embraced it, still crying and murmuring.
"I’m sorry, I didn’t think I could kill you. I couldn’t kill myself, how could I kill you?"
I embraced her body for minutes before I began slapping her face and nervously calling her.
"Come on Mrs.Kruger, joke’s over. We all had a good laugh, come back now. Come back, please Mrs.Kruger, come back."
She didn’t come back...... She’d never come back. By this point I was beyond suicidal, I wanted to destroy the universe, and everything living. I realized she wasn’t coming back, I punched the wall and raised the barrel of the gun to my head again. I pulled the trigger with all my might, but it wouldn’t pull back all the way. I screamed in torment and aimed the gun at Mrs.Kruger again, and when I pulled the trigger it came down so easy in her direction. I fired off a few more rounds at her limp body and I heard the hiss of her unflowing blood ooze out. I checked one more time on myself and sure enough I couldn’t pull the trigger. I hopped up and down in anger and fury as I threw the gun across the room. I ran and kicked Mrs.Kruger’s limp body, with a loud thud her body rolled off the bed. I fell onto her bed and held my aching head. After a few moments of this recovery processed I looked towards the corner of the room. My gun was sitting all alone, and I felt sorry for it. I pulled myself off the bed and waltzed over to it, knelt down and picked it up.
"I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you."
I said to comfort my only friend at the moment. I finally realized how bad of a situation I was in at the moment and walked out her door, into the main hall at a fast pace. Coming through the front door I saw Mr.Kruger, I enjoyed his company at the moment, it was good to see a living, breathing being. I was usually annoyed by his appearance, his bald shiny head, those thick black glasses from the 70’s. I even hated the chain wallet he wore with his cotton pants and his old black boots from his service in WW2. I marched out the door all bloody and on my way out I glanced at him and said
"Teach your wife some manners, she asked for it, she deserved it. How could she laugh at my pain."
Near the end of the sentence I had to turn around to face him as I was walking out the door. I pushed it open from behind me and ran as fast as I could after I completed the sentence. My destination was the library, I hadn’t planed the visit before, it had just come to me now.

I ran for a block when I looked down at my clothes and realized just how bloody I was, and in public. I made a slight turn in my trek and waltzed into the mall. I walked into "Men’s Clothing Factory" and looked as if I was checking out the deals. A representative approached me, and god did I hate her. I hated everyone who was like her, those annoying teenage girls who just got out of high school, but are still getting jobs at a clothing store so they can stay cool. Those bimbos who wear skirts that almost reach their hips, with green leotards underneath. On their upper body they wear the tightest, smallest shirt they can find with a small backpack on their back that could hold maybe 1 cigarette, once again, just a fashion statement. Even her face was artificial, make up on every edge of it, and her hair was dyed a pinkish color. She paused from chewing her gum long enough to let out a bubbly
"Can I help you sir?"
The first thing that came to my mind was ‘Change out of those clothes and get into something casual unless you wanna force me to rape you.’ but I answered what seemed correct at the moment.
"Something without blood on it."
She looked me up and down and seemed scared.
"Just a second" She said "Let me get my manager."
She turned around and walked as fast as she could to the back room. I knew what that meant, cops around here in seconds. I watched her backside as she made it to the back room, when she disappeared behind the curtain I grabbed the first pair of pants and shirt that I could and ran out of the mall. On my way out I thought
"If I can’t kill myself tonight I’ll have to find her and use her as a substitute for my pain..... Only after I cure another sort of pain of mine with her vessel."

Once outside of the mall I ran down Turner St. until I came to an ‘IHOP’. I went in without anyone noticing my entrance and headed for the washrooms. I made it inside without anyone so much as glancing towards my bloody carcass as I moved towards the bathroom door. Once inside I threw my new wardrobe on the sink counter and began stripping down. I pulled my leather jacket off and threw it on the ground. My shirt had the most blood on it, it stuck to my chest like a baby wanting more milk from her mother. It was a task to remove it, but I got it off and threw it on the ground. It was at that moment that I finally realized it was beside my favorite leather jacket. I stared down at it and my eyes widened. That bitch had destroyed my integrity and my last article closely linked to my mother. I got ready to punch the mirror, but two things stopped me. I remembered that I was here to clean myself up, not make things worse, and I realized how devilish I had become in the mirror. I stuck my tongue out and saw the enormous mark on it from my biting episode. It was purple and blue.
"Hmmm, didn’t think your tongue could turn that color."
I said to myself, I wiped the tears of my eyes, the blood from my cheek and tongue and used it to draw a cross on the mirror, perfectly perpendicular with the center of my body. I sat there and watched the mixture ooze for awhile. I reached down, calmly this time and tore a tassel off my bloody jacket. I paused to acknowledge it’s presence and placed it against my chest. With the mixture of fluids on the mirror I made it stick firmly over my left breast, now no one could take Momsy away from heart. I pulled off my pants, which weren’t too bloody, but I figured I’d better completely change. I threw the pants on top of my shirt and looked at my half naked self in the mirror. The cross on the mirror had already started to turn into a puddle of hideous fluids, amazing how it’s a work of art when we can recognize what it is, but the second it doesn’t look like anything it’s shit. I sighed and washed myself off with the tap water as best as I could. You could still see the bite mark on my tongue, but at least I wasn’t bloody anymore. I began putting on my pants when I heard the bathroom door open. There I was, looking like I just came out of a ritualistic pagan ceremony, blood, spit and tears on the mirror, my naked self pulling my pants on, in the perfect bowing position, and to top it off I had a tassel stuck to my chest. I froze as it swung open, it revealed a business man in his 40’s, fat and balding, not completely bald and wearing the complete ‘corp’ suit. A white shirt with a blue overcoat, blue pants, blue ball point pen, blue tie.... His soul was probably blue to. He froze, for a second, just as I did when he saw me. I finally reaverted my attention to my task at hand and acted like nothing looked odd. I couldn’t see him, but I could tell he walked behind me and into a bathroom stall. I also knew he was walking fast, from the sound of his 200 dollar shoes making an annoying fast paced ‘click click click’ on the enamel floor. I quickly pulled up the pants and threw on the new shirt. I knew exactly what that man thought about me. The taunting flooded back into my mind, like when Mrs.Kruger was mocking me. I could hear him thinking it inside of that stall.
"Oh my god, that man is psychotic. I’ll just sit here until he leaves, then I’ll walk out of here as fast as I can."
GOD! Why did people always think of me that way, I’m nothing like that, why must they mock me. I made sure I didn’t resolve the problem with violence this time. I walked up to the stall and tapped on the door. I began speaking with a proud voice.
"Excuse me sir, I know you think I’m psychotic, and think I shouldn’t be in public, but all is not lost, I’m going this very instant to purify myself. Not just any purification, but with pacifist magic."
The man didn’t say anything back, I waited ten seconds for an answer, but he didn’t say anything. I assumed my comment left him speechless, so I let him be with himself. I waltzed out of the bathroom and realized I didn’t have to run anymore. I felt cleaner than I ever did, and free to roam the earth. I’m not sure why, but I was inspired to go to the library.
"The library, why the hell are we going to the library!?" My sub-conscious asked my conscious.
"It’s rather hard to explain right now, just trust me. I have an idea, I spent a night with the vessel one night reading literature. Books actually have quite a bit of useful information." The conscious reasoned with the sub-conscious.
"I don’t trust anything physical, I don’t trust anything I can touch." My sub-conscious said with an unsatisfied tone of voice.
"Nor do I, but we have to take chances in this voyage. You gave me 48 hours." The conscious said strictly to the sub-conscious.
"Fine let’s get it over with." The sub-conscious said under his breath as it turned towards the vessels eyes.

So I walked casually out of the ‘IHOP’ and ignored the 5 dollar minimum sign. I turned onto Eliston dr. and walked, observing the sky. It was a reddish hue, you know, how it looks at sunset. Some say it looks the same at sunrise, I disagree, at night it looks a lot more innocent. The people and the noise in the city only made my problems worse. As I walked by picnic tables, yards and parking lots I heard people speaking of their daily events. Oh, how it made me hurt, these people had normal lives and mine was so far from normal. Comments such as ‘I had supper at my mom’s house tonight, god I wish she would leave me alone.’ And ‘Why can’t my mom realize I don’t give a shit about her.’ Made me so angry, these people took what they had for granted. I wanted to strike down all the fools who spoke ill about their mother figure. I had no mother to scold me, no mother to help me, no mother to reassure me. No, my mother was my problems, they made me feel good, but they had no comfort zone what-so-ever. I finally stood in front of the library. I looked it up and down, it was the first thing I saw all day that had no significance to me. I snorted and walked up the stairs, and opened the door which revealed a large room, full of shelves which were, in turn, full of books. I walked through in awe and for some reason was drawn to one area of the huge room. I’m not even sure what classification I was in, I just knew the area was calling me, it wanted me. I looked over all the books in the shelves, searching for one with numbers in the title. Don’t ask me why I wanted numbers, I just did. I found one with the name ‘7 Ways of Contradiction.’ Sorry, that turned me off, I didn’t want anymore contradiction. I looked over many titles that meant nothing to me, until I came over one titled ‘The Numerous Ions.’
"Guess that’s what I wanted, not an actual number, just the word."
I chuckled to myself as I pulled the book off the shelf. I pulled up a seat at an empty table. This place was much better than the cafe, no sound, seemed completely vacant except for the vast knowledge. I could read in peace without worrying about how people thought of me. I flipped through the book, read bits and pieces, and to tell you the truth, was pretty damn unsatisfied. I was just about to close it until I came to one section that caught my attention. It was a long paragraph that read.

‘....And recent studies show that earlier man didn’t have near as many chromosomes as modern man does. The excavations of earliest man shows that he had 40+2 chromosomes in his system, we can discover this with the use of modern DNA samples. We find the DNA in preserved bodies. The next step up, Neanderthal, had 42+2 chromosomes. This was an interesting discovery, this was undeniable proof of evolution. One could not explain why early man changed its appearance to how it seems now a days, could it be because of the increased chromosomes? Modern man currently has 44+2 chromosomes, when we start seeing man with 46+2 chromosomes could it be a sign of the newest evolution? Only time can tell, the 2 original chromosomes are always there, but the additional ones continue to grow more and more...’

It continued, talking about some scientific jarble. I couldn’t tell if that paragraph was just another scientist gone power crazy, making up the whole theory on the spot. I couldn’t tell if it was another scientific pile of shit, all I knew was I liked it. I felt special, like I was 46+2, maybe that’s why I’m so different, with so many problems. People called me insane, I wasn’t, I was a step ahead of them. Suddenly another conversation in my head emerged.
"My god.... We’re 46+2, aren’t we. The more time we spend inside of this vessel, the more chance we have of becoming physical. That settles it, let’s go and get out of this vessel, RIGHT NOW!" My sub-conscious said nervously to the conscious.
My conscious made a hushing noise and said "Shh, I’m thinking."
After a few seconds of silence my conscious spoke up "I know where I’ve heard 46+2 before, watch and observe. Those books are written by physical fools who believe they’re correct. Let us observe the literature of physical vessels in touch with the true entity... Entities like you and me."
I closed the book and left it on the table, while standing up. I looked over towards the historical section and marched over in search of knowledge to satisfy my starving mind. I walked in, where they had the books that you couldn’t read without gloves on. I picked up a pair and turned to a book, written by Chinese monks in 964 A.D. The cover was written in Chinese, but for the first time in my life I understood the characters. It read ‘46&2’.
"How the hell do I know how to read Chinese?"
I questioned myself, this gave me more reason to believe my accusations of being 46+2. I opened the book and began reading all the Chinese characters, understanding all of them. I read through it, and it mostly was boring, but once again, I found a paragraph that intrigued me. This one made me a little more scared, but even more curious.

‘...A time will come when man will be eliminated from existence. Mother can not except the illness that man has cast upon her. A time will come when Mother destroys everything physical, everything that man has created. She realizes her second son was a mistake, but she will wait for a time, when she receives 46 new reasons to destroy the malice in the land. She has had 2 reasons since the beginning of time, her 2 sons. When the two equations add up and equal 46&2 we will see the dawn of the original world reclaiming it’s territory. Just as time will tell, this book contains 46 pages, for 46 reasons as to why the world will see it’s own demise, but the last 2 reasons a man must find himself. This book is made as a warning, hopefully we will acknowledge it’s presen...’

And once again it began speaking of some useless information in my mind. The one thing I began to hate of all this intelligent literature was the way they spoke of the human race as ‘he’, ‘him’ or ‘man’. It sounded to me like they weren’t very intelligent at all, it sounded as if they didn’t even acknowledge females. That annoyed me, but still, I kept the information in my mind. Almost like an alarm, the conversation began again.
"So all we have to do is show this vessel his last two meanings to hate the world in a physical form to evolve, to make it to the promised land?" The sub-conscious half asked, half answered.
"Of course, isn’t it amazing how these physical rejects help us to eliminate them?" The conscious said with a bouncy voice.
"They even believe that evolution is helping the physical world. The rejects keep aiding us to our evolution. Well, we know what this vehicles last meanings to hate are, let’s go show it." The sub-conscious said in a victorious voice.
I looked up from the book and recalled what it had said.

‘...but the last 2 reasons a man must find himself...’

I turned around and made way for my last two reasons. I stormed out the door with the book in my hands and into the main room where the librarian sat at the main desk. I began singing a tune I recalled, I couldn’t quite remember why I remembered it, but I did. I raised my voice and sang the best piece I ever sang.
"Wouldn’t you like to be my neighbor, wouldn’t you like, wouldn’t you like, wouldn’t you like to be my neighbor."
As I started into the second verse the librarian began scolding me for my singing, but half way into that scold she realized a much worse crime I was committing.
"Excuse me, there’ll be no noi... SIR! You must return that book now, it cannot leave the historical room."
I didn’t even hesitate to look her way. Hell, I didn’t care what anybody looked like who wanted to destroy my evolution process. I pulled the gun out and shot her down, didn’t even have to look at her. I slowly walked out the door, with the book in my hand, continuing my song.
"Wouldn’t you like to be my neighbor."

The night was crisp and dark as I began to walk towards the city graveyard. I made sure to pass by the quarry to steal a shovel on my way. The night was very thick, like a bears coat in winter. I didn’t have much to look at, so I thought the whole way. I thought of how beautiful I was about to become, how comforting I was about to feel. I knew the plan would work, for I had evidence from myself, the present and the past. I kept saying that to myself as I walked to the graveyard, I felt like I was in a trance.
"Myself, the present and the past. Myself, the present and the past. Myself, the present and the past. Myself, the present and the past. Myself, the present and the past."
I kept that thought in my head until I got to the graveyard. I broke out of the trance once I stood in-between Momsy’s and Mary’s grave, I then thought.
"Good thing they were buried close by."
Without a second to lose I threw the book on the dirty ground and began digging Momsy’s grave. This time a new chant came to mind.
"Presently face my fear, presently face my fear, presently face my fear, presently face my fear, presently face my fear, presently face my fear, presently face my fear..."
The chant actually lasted a hell of a lot longer then I thought it would, by the time I had dug up Momsy’s and Mary’s casket I was still chanting.
"Huh, gonna hafta remember that one. It’s a perfect working chant."

I threw down the shovel and pried open Momsy’s grave. Oh, how she had changed over the years. Not a piece of flesh on her, nothing but bone, but I knew she was still her. I patted her on the head and chuckled.
"My, how you’ve grown."
I lifted myself up and slid over to Mary’s temporary house. I also pried her casket open, she hadn’t looked much different. A little paler, but she always looked pale with all that coke in her system. I bent down and almost kissed her, but remembered that she wasn’t really there, just an illusion of her was left. So I did what I knew I had to do next, I pulled both bodies out of the casket and in front of the Chinese book. Once on the ground, I crawled on top of Momsy and began pulling apart joints, so her bones were loose. The glorious sound of her weak bones snapping sent shots of adrenaline down my spine. I put them in a pile, inbetween the two bodies. Once I was satisfied with the numerous bones I looked over at Mary’s illusion and picked up the shovel. Luckily, I began thinking rationally, I’d better destroy the book before I get my hands dirty, can’t have anyone else discovering this secret. So I ripped the pages out of the books and laid them in the pile of bones. I picked the shovel up again, and raised it high. It felt like it was so high in the air that I was about to drop a shovel on her from Venus, and when it came down (and how it did) it made an earth shattering cry in my mind. I had broken the illusion, and I began to receive peace of mind. I dropped it again, and again, and every time I did it made the peace larger and larger. Once I had enough of her organs and veins exposed I did the next logical thing, I did what would make me even more at ease. I pulled my shoes off, stepped into the gooey texture and let it sift in between my toes. It made me very relaxed, it made me almost completely relieved. I wanted to cover myself in it, I stripped down, naked, exposed myself to the laughing physical world and laid down in the bones, pulling as many of Mary’s organs and veins as I could onto me. I eventually just pulled all of Mary on top of me, and I had no worries, I had no problems. And that’s when I became tired, so tired, like I’d never been before. I knew I was about to sleep, forever, and I smiled. I knew this was a more civilized way of killing the vessel off. With as much strength as I had left, I looked over to the side, and saw a page blowing in the wind, maybe 2 inches from my faces. It was full of Chinese characters.... That I couldn’t understand.... And couldn’t teach myself how.... Yes, 46&2 was just ahead of me.

"MY GOD! The flexibility, the freedom, Oh, the open nothingness." My conscious and sub-conscious said, now that they were a single being and free of the vessel.
"We finally made it home, to mother. I’m so glad we listened to our plan, but first, before we exit to our heaven, we must finish our last task in this physical world."

Susan was having dinner with a couple of friends when she felt as if something had shot into her mind. She hesitated for a second, trying to figure out what happened when she suddenly felt sad for herself. It was almost as if the whole room suddenly turned gray, and she wanted out. In a half daze Susan got out of her chair and walked towards the door as her friend called out.
"What’s the matter Susan?"
Susan answered, without turning back to face him "Forgot something at home, be back in twenty minutes."
With that she stumbled out the door and walked out of the cafe. She walked, thinking of everything that was wrong in this world. She had no idea how long she walked, but once she reached "Madame Soutier’s" she sat down and began to cry her way into the night.......

E-mail Kaylub Hyde at koldblade@usa.net