I coldly ashed my cigarette into the overflowing filthy ashtray on the table as I pulled out of my uncontrolled thoughts. My eyes stared at the label on the cigarette for a few moments before placing it back in-between my lips and running one hand through my now short, shaggy hair. I glanced towards the mirror on my dresser, an old treasure from a past life, and began looking for a memory that could make me smile. Instead, all I could see was the price I’ve had to pay for my old mistakes. My cold face stared back at me, but only because I wanted it too. The short, blonde, unkempt hair and the eyebrow ring seems so far from home, while the smeared mascara and uneven lipstick reminded me of how much I’d given up on being beautiful. The same old blue jeans, the same old tank top shoots lowering self esteem into my soul as I try to hold onto my self image. And my eyes, oh my eyes send cold images into my wandering mind. I always look at my eyes last in the mirror, so I don’t have to deal with the emotion they try not to hide. Some how they’ve turned gray, and always look desperate these days. Finally, I inhaled the smoke again and put out my cigarette only half done. As my legs lifted me into an upright position I began gathering my work clothes and whispered to myself.
"Only 2 years of change and you already sound like an old hag who’s lost it all."
And the words I spoke were only spoken in hopes my mood would change, but of course it wouldn’t, it never does. I began undressing and slipped into my waitress uniform as I continued to think.

"But they’ve all been lost, all my ‘friends’, either from the crazy nights full of heroine or from deciding it was time to be free. One week after another a new hot little actor or actress would roll out into the night with us and get ready to live in the fastlane. They’d always run home within a week to a comfort zone, but I never, for one second, thought that the usuals would disappear. You see, the usuals were a lot like me, very impulsive and ready to throw their life away on the whim of an action. I had always got that sudden urge to just do something crazy, to convince myself and everyone around me that I was a different person. Any time those impulses would come on I’d have no control over what I did...... I fear the day I get those impulses again, for everything will go downhill once more, but this time I won’t have Devron."

"The others didn’t really matter that much to me, just Devron. Devron made me feel at peace with my disease; he was someone I could slowly die with. One hit after another didn’t matter when I was in his arms, but such is the life of struggling entertainers, we had to quit the smack. We quit first and foremost for the child I was bearing and secondly because the media would be all over us. Sometimes I wonder if it would’ve been better to sacrifice the child and grab the media play. In any event, now all I have is Jake, my bouncing little healthy boy. I would never for a moment consider losing him to media play now, but then it was a different story. Devron kicked the scene, ran like hell when we quit the dope. I can’t figure out if it was because he knew he could get the shit from me, or if he couldn’t look in my eyes when he was sober."
My uniform was now on so I sat down on the bed, head in hand to contemplate some more.
"They all started to drop like flies then, one groupie or associate either ODing or finding Jesus and running to a better place. This is my place. I’m the sole survivor and now I’ll find a way to make this place better for me and Jake.......... But I need Devron. All the managers/producers in the world wouldn’t make a difference if I had Devron, I haven’t seen either for so long. The managers stopped considering me when my social life became known around the industry. No, media killed me before I became a star."

My concentration was suddenly disrupted when a knock sounded on the door. As I hopped up off my bed and ran into the front room I tried to get into presentation mode. When I opened the door to greet the 16 year old baby-sitter I smiled and said hello.
"Hi Ms. Bergwater," greeted the teen in a rather slow timid voice.
"Call me Trina, Drala" I continued my warm greeting.
"Sure thing Trina, where’s Jake?" questioned the innocent young woman.
She held her sweater in one arm and took off her shoes with her feet. I continued my happy escape and bounced more than walked to the side room where Jake lay. I gently stepped in and took a moment to caress the side of the child’s face. Second’s afterwards Drala stepped into the room and placed her sweater on a chair. I turned to her, still smiling, and asked "You’ve done this kind of job before, haven’t you?"
"Oh ya" answered Drala as fast and reassuring as possible.
"Then you know what to do. Just be extra gentle with this one; he’s going to be something special," I concluded my sentence with a smile.
When Drala smiled back at me I began my way out. As I walked back towards the front room I grabbed a jacket off the coat rack and my keys from the coffee table. I bundled into my coat while walking out the door and called back inside the house. "Bye! Have a goodnight!"
I closed the door before an answer could return. Moments later I stepped into my fancy car, looked back at my glamorous house and wondered just when I fell from grace.

Years later, it seemed, I pulled up to my place of business, Madame Soutier’s. As always there was some bum at the side of the place bawling his eyes out. It seems to me lowlife and anxiety is drawn to this place. It wasn’t until I stopped the car and looked through the front window that I got that old feeling. That old feeling of letting everything go to hell and allow the pieces to fall where ever they may. And once again I let it win. I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, not wanting to know where I was going, but knowing damn well the answer. I drove at lightning speed letting all the lights distract me so I didn’t have to think. My skin became clammy as I broke out into a sweat and even began crying a little, but it too, distracted me. So I let the tears roll and wept for a place I could be whole. In due time I pulled up to the house I knew too well. The house where lowlifes like me could only stand in the back porch and back door entrance. I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. The whole time I knew how wrong I was in doing what I was going to do, but I didn’t care. I knew that this wasn’t the answer to my problems but I wanted to take it out on someone who thought of me as a nobody. No, this wasn’t a question of confusion, this was a vision of clarity. I knew how wrong this was, and loved it.

I began walking towards the back of the house and made sure to pick up the 2x4 piece of wood off the ground on the way. I was a matter of inches away from the basement window when I raised the 2x4 above my shoulder and dropped it through the glass. This was not a blind crime, I knew which room I was breaking into. The large block of wood tumbled through the window and landed on the inside floor. I quickly stepped up to the shattered window and began kicking out the shards stuck on the frame. Once clear I squeezed in through the pane and placed my feet on the table that was just below me. My adrenaline was pumping now as I hopped off the stable object and glanced around the room. Oh yes, even after being stoned so many times in this place I remembered where the room was. Everything was still here, but now I was seeing it from eye level, not through some damn window. The white fridge, the wooden table, the black dresser and the multi-colored shaggy rug were all still in the same place. I immediately pulled out of my flashback and walked up to the fridge, slowly opening it. Inside my tools to a savior awaited. All the sanitized hypodermic needles I could ever want stared back at me. As I reached into the fridge the entrance door to the room began to slowly open. Suddenly my clarity went murky. My mental vision suddenly went blind as I panicked. I kicked the door back the way it came as hard as I could. Sure enough I heard a groan and a thud as my nightmares came true. I was about to be exposed again. I couldn’t bare the thought of the word on the street being ‘Trina turned back to heroine, and stealing it at that.’ I couldn’t let the last of my dignity be destroyed and allow them to see how desperate I was. My hands guided me to one of the needles, and without thinking, I clenched it in one hand as my other hand threw the entrance door back open. I closed my eyes tight and jumped into the now open entrance way while slashing at anything I could hit. My face was awash in rage, like the face of a maniac stepping in for it’s kill. Of course, my ‘visage’ only appeared this way because I wanted to heighten his last few moments on earth. I did my job and acted for him as I slashed and kicked. I didn’t even look at him. I knew what he looked like. Long messy gray hair with sideburns emphasized by his old wrinkled skin and faded jeans under his black sabbath shirt. I closed my eyes because I cared not to see. Just feeling the jab of the needle enter and exit his skin was enough to make me vomit. Finally, when I had brought down the weapon more times then I could count I turned and lunged back towards the fridge. I quickly grabbed a new needle from the fridge and sped over to the dresser, never once looking at the body. I pulled out the drawer and a million bags of heroine (it seemed) were awaiting me. I didn’t know which was which, so I just grabbed as many as I could carry. Then, still completely blind as I jumped over the body into the hall, I turned and spat on him to finish my performance made for him. Once again I sped up and ran like hell down the hall to the stairs, where my feet flew, taking two stairs for every step. Finally, to conclude this perfect crime, I walked out the old fool’s door, never looking back. Tonight I wasn’t low life scum..... Tonight, I was a walking apocalypse waiting to happen.

My car came to a low hum as I finally slowed down and went the speed limit. I had my stash. I had all the treasures of a nobleman, but something wasn’t right. I couldn’t just plain ol’ shoot up. God, just having the dope satisfied my cravings. Tonight I was ready for a fire. Tonight I was in the mood for a worldly metamorphosis. I was often full of inspiration but I can’t write or draw, nor could I find any way to vent my inspiration..... except for acting. Lord knows I haven’t been able to act since I had become a single mother, but tonight was the night I would finally create again. Why should my movie end at one scene? I could feel my need to complete this modern day opera. I knew I once again had to not only convince everyone else I was different, but I had to convince myself I was someone different as well. I realized I wasn’t acting for the old man, I was acting for myself, he was only the spectator. I was about to enter act two, and now the world would be my audience.

I turned off the road back into the driveway of Madame Soutier’s fully in character. I stepped out of the car as ‘Nicki’, the incredibly caring high school girl. Everything about her is pure except for her compulsive lying problem. No, she doesn’t realize her lies hurt others, she just wants people to love her. I continued to walk over to the bum, who was still sobbing at the side of the restaurant. When my body was only inches away from him I placed my hand on his shoulder, his eyes met with mine and my lips began to move.
"Would you like to talk at all?" I asked calmly with my eyes fixed on his.
He pushed my hand back while jumping up and stepping backwards. It seemed as if he pushed all his rage into his words and screamed his next sentence.
"FUCK YOU BITCH!"
I stood back a bit and took a look at him now that he was standing up. He wore denim everything. Tight blue jeans with blue sneakers, and a denim jacket covering most of his white T-shirt. His hands shook as they clinged to the cuffs of the jacket. His face was beautiful, despite the fact that it hadn’t been shaved in days and his short brown hair was caked onto his forehead from grease. His eyes had completed the ensemble, just as eyes always did. His glasses sat in front of his ‘would be’ beautiful brown eyes, would be if they weren’t riddled with despair. I continued to speak gently to him.
"I used to have a problem as well. you can tell me about it."
As I finished my sentence he pushed me back again and kept screaming.
"I’M NOT A FUCKIN’ JUNKY!"
His eyes shook and his hands trembled as his voice quieted down, but got just as loud again.
"I’m normal, why does everyONE THINK I HAVE A PROBLEM!?!?! I’M FUCKIN NORMAL!"
I realized he was to upset to talk so I stepped back and raised a hand to say "God bless you sir."
With that I walked towards the door as I heard him scream something about me needing the blessing more than he did. I shrugged it off and walked into the restaurant. The acting was great. That was the first time I talked to one of those bums.

My legs pressed on past the desk and into the kitchen, right towards my boss’s office. She looked at me and crossed her eyes.
"Where have you been and why the hell do you have blood on your clothes?!"
‘Oh no’ I thought as I, myself, hadn't noticed the blood. I had to think quickly and in character. I realized she hadn’t looked at my face yet, so she wouldn’t know I looked surprised, plus I had walked into the office pretty fast, so I could get away with something. I turned my facial expression into shock and began speaking assertively and quickly.
"Mary Ann cut herself bad. Call an ambulance while I get a spoon!!"
My boss picked up her phone and began dialing while continuing her interrogation.
"What the hell do you need a spoon for!?!"
I pointed at her as I quickly walked out of her office and barked
"Don’t ask, just dial!!"
She nodded and continued to dial as I opened the drawer and stole a large spoon. Still in a rush, I walked out the front door and into my car.
"This movie is becoming perfect"
My voice whispered as I kissed and threw the spoon in the passenger seat. Before I started the car I checked for the bum again but he had disappeared. I shrugged and began to adjust my rear view mirror. My attention turned to slamming on the gas and backing out onto the road when I looked through the window and saw my boss emerge from the kitchen entrance. I was safe again, but I wasn’t ready to go home yet, so I turned onto a foreign road and dropped my car speed to a low hum once again.

I passed plenty of houses on that senseless voyage. My car slowed down to an observing speed and I thought of families in each house. Stereotypes took over as I envisioned wife beaters and teenage junkies in $200 rent apartments. I wanted to pull over and aid some of those families. After all, high school just wasn’t enough for this caring soul. I traded reality for thought and decided it was time to go home and shoot up. My plans were interrupted when I turned around the corner to head home and saw the bum from Madame Soutier’s lying in a field with papers lining the weeds near him. I pulled over and stepped out of the car.
"Hey! You need some help sir?"
I called out across the field several times without earning a response. I waited a few more seconds and made up my mind. My feet began to take over and I started to walk towards him like I was a messiah who could aid him. When I reached him I saw his eyes had rolled into the back of his head.
"Probably on a bad trip."
I thought to myself while still contemplating what I was going to do with him. My eyes were drawn to the papers about him and the notepad in his hand. I began picking up loose sheets and placing them in a pile. As I was sorting through the pages I started to read one of them. It was an unlined piece of paper with fine typing on it. The loose papers were obviously not from his notepad. I finally stopped playing investigator and started to actually read the writing:

‘....And recent studies show that earlier man didn’t have near as many chromosomes as modern man does. The excavations of earliest man shows that he had 40+2 chromosomes in his system, we can discover this with the use of modern DNA samples. We find the DNA in preserved bodies. The next step up, Neanderthal, had 42+2 chromosomes. This was an interesting discovery, this was undeniable proof of evolution. One could not explain why early man changed its appearance to how it seems now a days, could it be because of the increased chromosomes? Modern man currently has 44+2 chromosomes, when we start seeing man with 46+2 chromosomes could it be a sign of the newest evolution? Only time can tell, the 2 original chromosomes are always there, but the additional ones continue to grow more and more...’

It continued on like some biology final which I was in no mood for. I stayed away from high school, but I don’t think it tried to stay away from me. I folded the pages, took his notepad and placed them all in the pocket of his jean jacket.
"God, always got to pause your own life to help someone else’s, don’t ya Nicki."
I knelt down and got a closer look at his face. Sure enough, his mouth was open wide, slightly drooling and his eyes were closed shut. I sighed again and lightly slapped him while gently saying
"Hey. Anyone home?"
Of course, there was no answer, so I considered taking him to the hospital. I stood up again and placed my hands on my hips, trying to think of what I should do, but nothing came to my mind. My caring side must have taken over because I started dragging him by his armpits to the car.
"You can easily take care of him yourself Nicki."
I was talking to myself again, I do that quite often, as no one else really talks to me. After I had dragged him 50 yards I gently placed his body on the ground and sat down, breathing heavily. Resting was getting quite boring, so I decided to speak to him this time.
"God, you’re heavier than you look you know."
I stood up, getting ready to carry him the rest of the way.
"I think you’re the best guy I’ve met in months. If you can’t talk, you can’t talk back, right?"
By now I was chuckling at my own remarks. Sometimes we need to be insane to live in an insane world. I grabbed him by the armpits again and dragged him across the rest of the field to my car. I laid him down again and started debating how I was going to get him in the car. He was a heavy guy. It was gonna be harder putting him in than it was dragging him across the field. My train of thought was broken when I noticed all the sharp weeds that had caught on him from the field.
"Don’t want you being uncomfortable while I’m taking care of you, do we?"
I tried to continue my one sided conversation. I bent over and gently pulled off all the weeds. They were all over him, his pants, his jacket, his hair. I made sure I removed every single one with nothing left on him. As I was placing my hands on him again and again I couldn’t stop thinking of how this was the first guy I had ever been close too. They all thought I was a freak at school. I’m just caring, and want someone to care for me too. I paused as I pulled off the last weed from his chest and looked up at his face. I wanted to kiss him. Even though he was passed out and dying, I wanted to kiss his beautiful face.
"What are you doing Nicki!? This is about taking care of him, not taking care of yourself."
I quickly got up and started getting the thought out of my head. Before I decided it was time to lift him in the car I picked all the weeds off the cuffs of my jeans and tried to find the best angle to get him in. My legs took me to the other side of the car and I opened the back door. Gently, I crawled through the back seat and opened up the opposite side door to look down at the man laying on the street.
"Ok, ready to get in?"
I kind of waited for a response this time. No answer was given, so I sighed and grabbed his armpits again to pull him up. As his body got closer to the inside of the car, the back of his head got closer to my face. I tried with all my might not to breathe in the scent of him and concentrated on getting him inside. Finally, after I banged his head and feet a couple times against the door by accident (and saying sorry every time I did) I decided he was comfortably lying in my back seat. I gently ran my hand through his hair and stepped outside, closing the door. I made sure to close the door on the other side and got into the drivers seat. The car started up the second I turned the ignition and I revved on the gas.
"Ok, here we go."
I said to myself as I began driving. I reached one of my hands to the back seat and rubbed his chest while speaking to him in a reassuring voice.
"I’m gonna take good care of you. Everything will be all right in the morning, you’ll see."
Of course the whole time I was speaking I was really trying to figure out a way to get him inside the house without daddy noticing.

When I pulled into my driveway my role instantaneously changed. I was no longer Nicki, I was now Cheryl, the 51 year old bag who never got anywhere in live because of my bastard husband. I was always there for him but he was never there for me. He was positive it was a man’s world, so I got to stay home all day while he went to work, which of course meant he got to go out and drink after. All his drinking left me so alone, with no identity, and I always ended up having to save his drunk ass. I was sick of it. I stepped out of the car to go tell Nora, my teenage housesitter, that she could go home. I made sure I didn’t bring my drunk husband with me because of the shame I would feel. I slowly entered the house and found Nora watching TV, she hadn’t noticed me yet.
"Thanks, you’ve been a life saver." I said as I reached into my purse for her pay.
She jumped a bit, because she didn’t realize anyone was in the room. Her head turned around and she placed a hand on her chest.
"Oh god, you scared me!" She sighed as she stood up.
Her eyes were then drawn to the blood on my outfit. I handed her the cash and explained.
"Bad accident in the kitchen today. It seems like every time we get a new worker we get a new injury."
Her eyes widened.
"My god, is everything all right?!?!" She asked in a concerned tone.
I closed my purse and continued to explain in a little more detail this time.
"Oh ya, looks worse than it actually is. Some bimbo cut herself with a big butcher knife, nothing to lose sleep over."
She put her coat on and began walking towards the door as I sat down on the couch and changed the channel to make it appear I was getting settled.
"That’s good to hear" Drala said as she walked out the door.
"Thanks Nora, you’re the best." I said as she exited the house.
Drala turned around, holding the door open with a puzzled face and slowly said.
"Ummm, it’s Drala, Trina, not Nora."
I shooed her off with me hand and chuckled to myself as I made my next statement.
"You teenagers never like your real names."
Drala’s eyes trailed a bit as she turned around towards the sidewalk.
"Ok..... Bye."
As she finished her sentence the door closed and I lost the smile on my face. My feet slowly dragged me up and off the couch towards the back door. I exited my house and walked out to my car.
"Now to deal with this chauvinist pig"
His head fell out as the door swung wide open and a sigh exited my mouth. I grabbed him by the arms and dragged him all the way into the living room as he banged against the walls as many times as I could make him. I considered placing him on the couch but decided he needed to sleep on the floor tonight. This was the last straw. Normally I could deal with him, but tonight I’ve had enough, I was pissed right off. I turned around and pulled the stash out of my pocket. My eyes locked on it for a few seconds before I turned around and kicked the asshole.
"To hell with you! Tonight is for me!"
With that I went into MY room and got a belt out of MY drawer. Another sigh rolled out of my mouth when I realized I had left the spoon in my car. Once again I walked out to my car, closed the back door, opened the front door and grabbed the spoon. As I walked away from the vehicle I closed the front door with my foot and jogged back into the house. My hands were getting full so I laid all my equipment onto the kitchen table. I couldn’t make up my mind on what kind I wanted, so I mixed a little of each onto the spoon. I reached behind my back on the counter and grabbed the zippo. I began to bring it back towards the front of me as I flicked the top to the side and used the chair for a strike. When it had reached the front of me and sat underneath the spoon a flame was already ignited.
"Still got it good lookin"
I said to myself with a smirk. I watched the brew cook for a little, it popped and hissed and reminded me of my own life that popped and hissed as it was boiled down for someone else’s enjoyment. When the dope was finally ready I sucked it all up into the syringe and threw the spoon across the room. My belt was in one hand and the syringe in the other as I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room feeling like a queen. I made sure to spit on my bastard husband as I walked into the room where our baby used to sleep. Without a second thought I tightened the belt around my arm and searched for a vein through my flesh. When I had finally found one that I was able to puncture I picked the syringe up and drove it into my arm. As the drug entered my body I could feel myself slowly relax, and when the syringe was empty I used all my strength to pull it out of my arm. I placed the needle on the baby’s powder table and felt as if I sunk into the ground.
"Oh god, I forgot how this felt."
I moaned as the comfort rushed over me. My movie was over and I was in complete bliss. I was off screen, I was Trina again and I was too mellow to care about anything. Nothing like a good shot of smack after an intense play. I was too relaxed to take the belt off my arm so I let it dangle a while longer, but a while longer turned into an hour as I let my whole body shut down. I sat there, unable to move anything at all while my eyelids began to close. My state of nirvana was interrupted by sheer terror. My eyes opened fast and wide when I saw two red eyes stare directly at my own two pure eyes. I couldn’t move my head to get a better look, I was way too stoned, but I didn’t need to. A large canine face and body followed the eyes out of the shadows. It was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen. The whole dog was blacker than black, except for the two red eyes that resembled worlds burning. Everything about it radiated evil. It moved towards me in slow fluid strides. I attempted to get up and run like hell, but my muscles were to relaxed. I was still just a sitting duck on a shit load of heroine. The dog eventually reached me and placed it’s two front paws on my thighs. It’s eyes locked with mine and I felt a sense of evil I had never felt before. Suddenly a voice, not mine, entered my head and spoke with a low growl.
"You dare interrupt my ascension simple one? For this, your are damned with an eternal nightmare!"
As the voice echoed through my mind the dog shifted it’s head towards Jake’s crib. My eyes quickly followed and I attempted to move again, but I was still a zombie, I was even drooling now. Suddenly, out of thin air, a second dog appeared, perched on the head of Jake’s crib. It was crouched into a pre-pounce position and it stared into the crib with strong eyes. I was awash with fear. I could’ve wet myself without noticing. Suddenly, in fast motion, the dog pounced on Jake and the baby screamed at the same time I did. I tried to move with every ounce of my being, but I was still locked in one place, in this sickening observing seat. My screams turned to tears as Jake’s own screams turned into gargles from blood entering his throat. As I cried like I never had before a lightning bolt struck outside, illuminating the room as the feeding dog thrust it’s head up above the inside of the crib. The beast howled as Jake’s organs dangled from it’s maw.

And in that instant I was suddenly standing above Jake’s bed, hand in air and no dog’s around. The room was completely bright and it was a calm night outside. The dismembered body in the crib had no resemblance to my baby. The only piece left untouched was the eyeball that stared back at me. As I was still in shock, I heard a voice behind me assertively scream.
"FREEZE LADY!"
I jumped and looked up at my hand. To my horror I saw my own hand holding a bloody jagged knife in the exact same place the feeding dog’s head was moments ago.

Have you ever been interrogated by the police? I swear it is the most intimatedating thing in the universe. I guess they couldn’t wait for a court hearing and decided that the event was so disturbed that they could start the questions themselves. "One more time miss, why don’t you just confess. We caught you in the act." the officer said with prying eyes. I didn’t know how to answer these two cops, my story was so insane, and both officers looked like clones. They both had the same black pants, the same L.A.P.D. blue shirt, and the same short black hair. The only difference between the two was the shades on the quiet officer. I slowly gathered my thoughts and stammered on
"I.... I..... I can’t explain, but it wasn’t me!"
The cop with the shades on chuckled while he paced back and forth. The other one looked bothered.
"THEN WHO THE HELL DID!?!?" He screamed as he leaned over me.
He had one hand on each armrest of my chair. He stared into my eyes, much like the black dog did, and kept his mouth firmly closed. I was feeling just as nervous as when I had the evil experience. I was waiting for the same dark voice to enter my mind. I paused and trembled before I started to let it out.
"You guys are gonna think I’m nuts." I finally whispered.
The shaded cop cut me off and coldly exclaimed
"Not as nuts as we already think you are."
I closed my eyes and my lower lip began to tremble as a single tear fell from my left eye. I ignored his comment and continued on slowly.
"I was sitting in my child’s room when suddenly I saw a..... a creature emerge from the corner of the room..."
The cop without shades pushed himself off my seat, turned around violently and sighed. I pressed on with my story as I sat up and talked faster than before.
"I don’t know how to explain it all, but all I....."
I was cut off again by the frustrated officer when he kicked the wall and started his sentence with a loud word.
"MAYBE it had something to do with the SMACK YOU WERE ON!"
The shaded officer sighed and lowered his head as I continued trying to tell my story. I never even got the chance to finish. The unshaded cop sat down and began reading some papers then sternly said
"Take this bitch away"
The shaded officer grabbed my hands and cuffed them and I started to cry. I began to realize there was no hope left in the world for me. I violently wept and stopped fighting the inevitable as he led me through the door to my holding cell.

I spent days in that cell crying over the loss of my last beautiful light on this earth. I never once considered what happened to be a drug induced illusion. I knew there was no way I could’ve killed my child...... Or could I? Maybe in my subconscious I found my son a little too perfect. Maybe I subconsciously made up a fairy tale that was believable to me, because I was high, to dismiss my murder. These thoughts only made me cry more than I already had been. Suddenly, through sounds of sobbing, I heard the bars to my holding cell slide open. My hands acted before my mind did and I rubbed the tears from my face. When I looked up to the entrance I saw a female officer standing tall as she began to speak.
"There’s a visitor for you, follow me."
I stood up and began walking while trying to figure out who had come to visit me. Maybe it was Devron, come to save me from my personal hell. A smile snuck up on my face as the thought could be a reality. If Devron were to show up now I would have hope again, at least a reason to keep dreaming. We finally reached the end of the hall and the officer opened the door while moving to the side. I walked through the entrance and the officer quietly spoke.
"10 minutes"
I nodded and continued through the doorway. As I sat down in front of the bullet proof glass I heard the door close and I saw my visitor, or should I say my visitorS, and my ray of hope was eclipsed. Sitting on the other side of the glass was the bum I had picked up from the field. Further away, leaning on the wall was a stranger to me, but he must have come with the street dweller. He had long, shaggy hair, wore ripped jeans and a brown leather jacket, except for the fact that a tassel was missing from it. I bowed my head and got the look of despair on my face again. The bum knocked on the window and I continued to stare at the floor. I didn’t want to speak to him, he was the only one who knew what happened that night. He knocked again and I cringed a bit, afraid of the truth. By the third knock his persistence got to me, and I kind of wanted to know the answer, so I could find out if I really was a monster. I picked up the receiver, placed it to my ear and continued to stare at the floor. His voice came through the receiver, mellow and relaxed.
"Lady...."
I still stared at the floor, not answering him. He tried to get my attention again.
"Lady!...."
"What?" I answered softly and quietly.
"Look at me please." He asked, but made it sound more like a command.
"Why?" I asked, still quiet and nervous.
"’Cuz I have something to show you" He said in an intriguing voice.
I realized he wasn’t going to talk to me until I looked him in the eyes, so I slowly raised my head. When my vision reached eye level, through the glass I dropped my receiver in horror. There were no longer two men on the other side of the glass, but two jet black canines, with their fiery red eyes staring back into my own clean ones.

E-mail Kaylub Hyde at koldblade@usa.net