Standing over 300 feet in height, the LoyalTubist's Dream Tuba makes the biggest Alexander or Cerveny look like the Coueson E-flat Bass I learned on back in elementary school! Pitched in the key of BBBBBBBB-flat, it has 54 piston valves and 39 rotaries. Built by Yamaha during World War Two, the tuba was not seen by anyone in the Western World until a commemorative issue of Life magazine appeared at Wal-Mart magazine racks in the summer of 2001 (it was listed as a listening device used by the Japanese Navy). It uses the rare Vincent Bach size 1 tuba mouthpiece (the smaller the number the bigger the mouthpiece, right guys?) Old professor Bach never knew that such a tuba existed which would accept such a large mouthpiece. Yamaha never could find a technician whose embouchure was big enough to test the instrument. Besides, all the good metals were being used to help Japan win the war, so this was best used as a listening device. After the war was over, a tuba playing sumo wrestler named Bruce (no one knows what his last name was, they just called him Bruce) was hired by Yamaha to test it but he died from the weight of the tuba as he was placing the horn in his lap! It was then decided that the same frame used to hold up the tuba when it was used as an intelligence listening device would be necessary for tubists to use when attempting to play it. No one has actually played the LoyalTubist's Dream Tuba yet. The state of Wisconsin is trying to figure if it would be appropriate to use as a capital punishment device, if that state ever decides to use capital punishment again.
If you believe what you just read, you will believe anything.
November 6, 2001
