Okay, let's try this again. I think that only a few things that I say are offensive, but even less are surprising. Yet, I'm going to try writing my ramblings in a new censored-style. We'll see how this goes, and let's all try to be a little more understanding of the fact that these are just my opinions and feelings, straight up how I think about them.
6/25/02-- Yesterday was the official one year anniverary mark. And to celebrate, we broke up. Officially over. It was awful, and no, I do not want to talk about it. And with that being said, I cannot predict when the next time I will write on this page will be. I've come to the point in my life where I've realized I need to stop living solely to entertain others during their lunch breaks (no, I am not including Ed in this "others" category). So that's it; that chapter of my life is written, and now it's time to move on to the next rather than continue proofreading. peaceout.
6/16/02-- I have officially been a high school graduate for a week now, and I'm not entirely used to it yet. I still tell people "I go to NCS", and it still hasn't hit me that I may never see a lot of my grade again. Ever. I'm not sure I like that thought. Flag Day and Commencement were amazing; everything I hoped for and then some. Processing with the timpany in the Cathedral was perhaps my greatest moment at NCS. Since graduation, though, my life has been one big pontification for me. First of all, I should alert people that yes, I have in fact joined a gym (Tenley). And I love it; I was just too out of shape even for me to handle:) So that part of my life right now is making me feel so great about myself. However, there's a major part that is not...that's right, you guessed it, Ed. Basically, I'm starting to realize just how often I let him treat me like shit (NO, not abuse, just forget to call, that sort of thing). And mostly, I let him get away with it because I'm too afraid to say anything. Because, I'm too afraid to lose him. And yet, when he mentioned that he wants to move to NC next year, I freaked my shit. It's like I can't find the happy medium between not having him and having too much. And yes, for those of you who check dates, our one year anniversary is coming up...it will be interesting to see what he has planned because I requested it be a total surprise. Other than that, ATB is really boring now (I spent 1/2 an hour organizing the delivery menus of various restaurants because I was so bored!), and Beauvoir camp might actually be fun. Alright, that's it for now. peaceout;)
5/9/02-- So wow. It has been a full year since I started this page, and it's weird to think that here I am, almost done with NCS. Tomorrow is my last official day of high school, as my senior project starts on Monday. I remember being in nursery school so well that it is unfathomable that I ever really finished it. I also can guarantee that I will cry at graduation, especially because I already get teary-eyed just thinking about it. I definitely wish more of my extended family was coming, or more so that Kathryn was not, but I gave up that battle a while ago. Oh how I cannot wait to get away from her! Ed and I have been together 10 1/2 months now, which is surprising to me. I have to be honest though, I think we are starting to drift apart, mostly because college is putting that pressure on us. He is constantly hanging out with Billy, which is never good because Billy's life is heading absolutey nowhere. I think this is all just my realization that I'm starting to be really fickle about our relationship...half the time I want to get married right now, the other half I wish he would be different...more devoted, more loving, I don't know. I am still not excited for college next year, especially because Wake Forest is not exactly close by. Although, I will say that I cannot wait to get away from some of the people here. What's that saying..."that's one good thing about high school: it ends." And it's only so true sometimes. So I leave you all tonight with this final thought: if we are all always so excited to get to that "next stage" in our lives, when will that end? Are we someday going to be "dying" to die? And for those of us who always want to be older in life, when do we get to the point when we want to be younger? And finally, inspired by the English AP...if we all had eternity to live, would you do lots of things as soon as you can so that you can experience everything, or wait until later because you have eternity and are in no rush at all? peaceout
3/30/02-- I have a secret to tell you. I don't want to go to college. And no, this has nothing to do with my decision letters, which have mostly been positive. This has to do with the fact that I really just don't think college is that much to look forward to. In fact, the only reason I really want to go is so that I won't have to answer to parents' curfews any longer...and college isn't the only way of procuring this status. Let's see, I don't want a roommate at all (Could you imagine sharing your stuff with somebody whenever THEY feel like it?! And don't even get me started on the whole sexile issue.), I don't look forward to the opportunity to drink all the time, I don't want to make hundreds of new friends, I don't want to lose my freedom of being able to drive a car when I need to "have a think", I don't want to lose my privacy, I don't want to eat in the same dining hall for four years...and the list goes on. And I'm sorry if this shocks anybody, if anybody is furious at me for not looking forward to college, or can't understand why I'm not. So there: that's my secret. I'd much rather skip the whole college thing, and get a job in marketing and get on with my life, then spend another four years in a holding pen. peaceout
3/10/02-- I had a lot to say in tonight's rambling, but I think I'll have to put it on hold until another time so that I can give you all a general FYI about something that there seems to be some confusion (which most likely comes from the fact that nobody thought to ask me exactly what's going on). Ed has not consumed alcohol since New Years, nor has he used any drugs (no I don't count weed as a drug, but even that he uses sparingly...like twice a month; also, he wasn't really a drug user at all to begin with). He also has never abused me in any way. So please, before you try and save the world, make sure you have your facts straight. I didn't want to be angry about this, but it just made me mad that you (and I say "you" because I don't know the names of the actual people) acted in a way that was appropriate for a serious problem (and there isn't even a minor problem) and caused a royal uproar among various faculty at school all because you didn't just talk to me about the situation first. So there you have it, I hope there are no doubts about what the alcohol/drugs/abuse situations are. Also, Ed is currently attending school to learn about internal combustion engines to get on with his career. And one more thing, whoever told Ms. Conlin that I have a drinking problem is going to get a beat-down...please, there hasn't been an occasion to drink in forever! On a different note, I adore Mrs. Rein's whirlpool bath. I think I can spare you the details;) [Sorry to those of you who have no idea what any of this rambling has been about; I needed to get it out though.] I'm off to talk to my loving boyfriend, whom I adore and genuinely wish to spend my life with. peaceout;)
3/3/02-- It's been a while. Ed's 21st birthday is in exactly 21 days, and right now I have absolutely no idea what we're going to do to celebrate. I want to throw him a party...but I wouldn't know where to start. (If you have any ideas, feel free to share them!) Other than that, I'm enjoying being a second semester senior, although it's really not that much fun, seeing as there are no worthy parties to attend (how I miss last year!). I'm loving working at ATB because it's giving me a chance to make lots of much needed extra cash. College decisions come in less than a month, and at this point, I really just don't care, as long as I don't end up at Charleston. Please, if I had to deal with gnome #2 and her terrible stories...I'd just die. Oh by the way, I hate Kathryn Barbour Ajello. Because of her, my dad is missing the senior/parent college workshop at school, which was superimportant to me. It's a long story, but I really really loathe her more than ever. I'm just feeling really "meh" right now, and I'd kinda like to just drink a lot and forget everything for the night, but alas it's a Sunday and I can't have what I want. So this has been a true rambling, as it makes little sense and jumps around a lot...so I'd like to end with this question: how is it that I can feel completely alone in a room filled with people? Am I just feeling their fakeness? peaceout;)
1/24/02-- Happy 18th Birthday, Jessie! [And happy 7 month anniversary to Ed and me, also!] I can't figure out what's going on with me: today I'm happy, yesterday I was upset. Who knows what tomorrow will be like. I'm thinking maybe it has something to do with the weather. But I'm too tired to think about it now...peaceout;)
1/22/02-- I have become insanely depressed. I haven't really talked to Ed in a long time, and when I just talked to him only to find out that he was about to leave, I became even more depressed. And I think the most upsetting part was that when I told him that I was sad that I couldn't talk to him and that I've been feeling really down lately, his response was that he really had to go now. I hung up without even saying goodbye; I couldn't bring myself to speak. Then my face crumpled and I just cried and cried for about ten minutes. Why is it that if he said he was upset the first thing I think of is what I can do to help, and when it's vice versa, a trip out with friends to do random errands is much more important. I mean, here I am, ruining my relationship with my dad, and really my whole family, for this guy, and I can't help but think if he would do the same for me? I tried calling him to try and figure this out, and guess what, he'd already left. So now I can't help think that I have a whole lonely night ahead of me. And that is exactly what I am: I'm really lonely right now. The huge group of friends I used to have is gone, and I haven't seemed to find my new niche. And I think what's standing out most of all is that fact that I really miss my Eddy. I'd really like to either move on to being a twenty-something or go back to being Barbie's biggest supporter. My life is suffocating me, and underneath it all, I have found myself all alone. I hope Ed enjoys his night out. peaceout.
1/8/02-- Happy New Year (belated)! Well New Years Eve went pretty much okay. As the ball was dropping, I kinda went into a state of shock. It's finally 2002, the year I graduate and change the lifestyle I've had for the past 13 years. Whoa. I couldn't believe how quickly 2001 passed, and now it's "my" year. After the ball dropped, Ed and I had our New Years kiss (finally, a real boyfriend kiss on new years!), and he proposed, so we are officially engaged to be engaged (if that makes sense). Then it all went awry. No details, but my car is in the shop now and my dad hates Ed, so life is a little terrible. This left our relationship to occur over the phone a lot more...we have our wedding all planned out now, so that's one thing down;) Anyways, somebody in the senior room brought up how strange it is to think about where we were a year or so ago. And it is weird. I don't think I ever thought I could be this happy or this in love right now last year. My friendships have changed, and my social life has taken quite a turn (for the worse, I'd say, based on this year's lacking party scene). It's frightening to think about where I will be this time next year. Hopefully in Ed's apartment on Georgetown's winter break. None of that is official yet though. Ed starts school in about two weeks, and I'm about to hit the second semester senior slump, so our schedules are going to switch. I'm so proud of him, and I can't say it enough. And just in case anybody was curious, dinner at his mom's is a regular thing for me now. She even got me a Christmas present. Her sweater doesn't quite rival Ed's diamond earrings gift, though:) Anyways, I need to go to bed so I can at least get a little sleep tonight before Ed calls when he gets home from work (at 1am). Yeah yeah, I know, we're married. By the way, theme songs of the day are "Return of the Mack" by Mark Morrison and "Extasy" by Ja Rule. "...and when your life's outta order, just have a good time..." peaceout;)
12/24/01-- Besides today being Christmas Eve, it is also Ed and my six month anniversary! We celebrated last night by attempting to reenact our first date, complete with dinner at Clyde's and a movie. Dinner was great, but the movie ("How High") was sold out. Huge letdown! We ended up spending the time at Barnes and Noble, which was fine, but still, not the movie. The night on a whole was a total success, and now I'm sitting here in total shock that it's been six months. My prior worries have dissipated, at least for the time being. Random thought: Morgan and Jason make me excessively happy. Just thought I'd share that. And oh yeah, Winter Formal was fine...got screwed over with the after party, but I really didn't care, considering I made it out alive. Okay, time to wrap the last few presents. peaceout;)
12/13/01-- I spoke too soon. After my last entry I proceeded to have an all-out huge fight with Ed. Of course we broke up again, and of course we got back together again. Yet I can't help feeling that I'm forcing him to be in a relationship with me. I know I'm not, but still. Since the fight though, I went back for dinner at his mom's, and we've been totally fine. Yet, we haven't gotten to spend enough time together, what with him working so much and me doing my college apps (and the fact that I actually HAVE to attend yoga). So I'm definitely looking forward to break. By the way, not only has he been sober for a while now, but he is also going back to school! So we're both doing college apps:) Never thought that would happen. I'm also all nervous about Winter Formal...I'm hoping this isn't bad year #4. Ed reassures me it won't, but we'll just have to see. Let's see...I think I really needed to get that out. Good luck to all my buddies waiting to hear back about college. I hope that you have significantly better luck than I did. Peaceout;)
11/28/01-- Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote, but too much happens for me to keep up with myself. Ed and I have made it since NCS homecoming sans a major fight (small victory!). And our five month anniversary was amazing...we hit this whole new emotional level. Then on Monday night I went out to dinner with him and his mom; I'm the first girlfriend his mom has ever met, so I felt special. I really like his mom, and she took tons of pictures of me and the dogs because one of the dogs had never been friendly before. I guess I'm a dog-whisperer;) And then things went awry. It all started yesterday when I couldn't reach him all day. Finally at 7:30pm he called me from work and told me he couldn't talk. That's one of my pet peeves: people who call to say they cannot talk. Yet, would I really rather him not have called at all? (By the way, he was out all day with a girl friend of his, super.) Then he called again at 10 to tell me he wasn't going home so we weren't going to get to talk that night. And again, he couldn't talk right then either. So I was absolutely crushed, and then I couldn't sleep because I had way too many things on my mind. 3am and the phone was ringing. I was secretly glad because now I would finally get to talk to him. And those middle-of-the-night talks are always the best! Yet he was only calling to tell me what a great party he was at. He then told me that he was going to sleep there, and that not to worry because he was at his manager's house. I innocently inquired which manager, and he replied that it was Lori. My heart just broke at that second. There was my drunk boyfriend sleeping at a drunk woman's house. Needless to say, I couldn't go back to sleep when he got off the phone 30 seconds later. All day I've been worrying and calling him to find out the details, and all day he hasn't been home. Finally, I went in to Cactus to catch him before he started work. And there he was having lunch with Lori. Panic was officially setting in at this point, and he didn't make it any better. No "I love you" or "how are you". So here I am, falling apart, dreading doing all of my homework. And all I can think of is why somebody who claims he loves me so much can cause so much worry. And why can't I just trust him? What is my problem? I have to start a paper now...peaceout.
10/24/01-- Yes, that's right. For those of you who look at the dates on my entries, today is in fact my four month anniversary with Ed. I know, I know, it's not that huge, but the past month has been so rough I never thought we'd make it to this one. But we didn't fight this past weekend!!! I was so happy when I woke up Monday morning and could proudly declare that we made it a whole weekend. I know, it's kinda pathetic, but still. Of course, Ms. Lund managed to ruin my Monday and most of my highschool life, but that's another story. The worst part of being on LOP-down is that I literally work from 8am until 2:30pm, which means my brain is exhausted, and I fall apart. When I got to Ed's house today, I passed-the-fuck-out for two hours. And the wonderful boy let me sleep! It was the best:) I'm still tired, so I'm about to go to bed (yes it's 9:30!), but I'm going to fall asleep with a smile on my face. Because although so many parts of my life are tense right now, at least one part is just perfect. peaceout;)
10/16/01-- Well there goes my last homecoming. And to keep with tradition, it sucked. Ed (big surprise here) got drunk, and I had to spend way too much time trying to keep him away from Mrs. Cutts, Ms. Lund, etc. But that's not the bad part. The bad part was the 1 hour fight we had outside of Hearst. And yes, it's the fourth fight we've had. The fourth time we've broken up. And gotten back together again. I hate to admit that it happens repeatedly, but, well, it does. But I'm not willing to end it; I just love him way way way too much. I know he loves me too, and after every fight our relationship is always so much stronger. I think it's just that we have so much passion in both of our personalities that sometimes it clashes...big tyme. It's like every part of our relationship is big...from the good moments to the bad ones. And here I am, wanting to spend my life with him, but dreading the time in between spending my life with him (aka college). On my family front, my attack on Kathryn is in full affect now. The politeness, common courtesy, etc. is over now, and I'm in full under-mine mode. Step one is talking constantly about how great other people's stepmothers are. Namely Ed's. Step two is I don't know what yet. Okay, I have to get back to my homework now. And my apologies for the long delays between updates. peaceout;
9/30/01-- As Ed and I were lying in bed watching tv on Saturday night, I had one of those moments. I felt like I was a thirty-something, snuggling with my husband in our bedroom in our house. And I liked this moment so much, in fact, that I closed my eyes so I could hold on to it a little longer. And then Ed woke me up by telling me that he was having a married moment. It's these times, when we're having the same thought, and are so blissfully content, that I realize just how lucky I am. But then I get a little worried. I've been fortunate enough to fall in love twice in my life so far...but this means I'm using up my love cards and I'm only 17! Does this mean I'm potentially destined to be alone? Or does it mean I just fall in love way to easily? Right now, I can't honestly remember why I loved Paul...probably something about how much he worshiped me. It makes me wonder if I'll marry some guy just because he buys me a Diet Coke. On a completely different note, Kathryn just bought a brand new Audi A4. I've got to drive that car, but my dad won't let me anywhere near it. I can't believe Kathryn has a semi-decent car now...grrr. Well if anybody wants to buy a Miata... peaceout;)
9/26/01-- I just realized how long it's been since I last updated. I think it's because I was avoiding my page so that I wouldn't have to comment on the "attack on America", as it's so been dubbed. And I'm still not going to comment on it, it's time to move on, for me at least. In general, I've really been enjoying school this year, and I've had this extreme thirst for knowledge and learning. I think this comes from the fact that I'm subconsciously making up for Ed's lack of being in school right now. Although, much to my chagrin, I didn't do as well as I hoped on my physics and macro tests. Physics was actually straight-up embarrassing considering I spend most of that class drawing pictures of thugged-out cars with Beamer. Anyways, let's see what else has been going on... It seems like I've been really really busy lately. I just constantly have work to do, and most of it isn't even hard, it's just work. And I've been trying to fit in college apps every once in a while, and I guess I've been doing a little SAT prep too. Otherwise I'm constantly at Ed's house. No really, I've basically moved in. Two weekends ago I did all my homework there, and he helped me address envelopes for teacher recs, etc. This weekend I'll be there the entire weekend again because his parents are going to Florida. It's weird, I've never been so head-over-heels for so long. Like every day, the amount I love him increases exponentially, which certainly didn't happen in my other notorious relationship. I just put my favorite picture of us next to my bed, and even my dad said it's cute. Oh yeah, my dad likes Ed!!! Big shock there. In fact, he even likes to hold conversations with Ed, which if you know my father at all, you know is huge. So now I'm sitting here with a pile of homework which I put off for HIE and for TV (I love "My Wife and Kids"...I haven't laughed so much since Seinfeld) with my dad, and I'm wondering why on earth I'd be spending my time writing a rambling. Actually, I know why...I can't reach Ed and rather than work and wait for the phone to ring, I've turned to AOL for comfort. Note to self: Get Ed a cell phone. I guess that's all for now, and I'm sure you're all tired of reading anyways. peaceout;)
9/10/01-- Well school is back in full swing, and I think I'll be fine in my classes this year. AP Macro actually enthralls me and I get excited to do the homework. Yeah, who woulda thunk it. After school and in my double frees I go visit Ed when he's not working. It makes the school day seem a lot better! Let's see...the senior retreat...it was exactly what I expected. I'm sorry, but it did not change my life in any way. I still think it's good that we did it, but I can't say it's all I'm talking about now. And it tired me out so much that Saturday night I could bring myself to do no more than watch a movie in my car and proceed to pass out for the whole thing. At least Ed thought the movie was funny. Sunday was football day, and I spent a good hour and a half locating pizza for my dad during the 'skins game. Long story, I'm not pleased. Basically, life is pretty blah right now...I just keep falling more in love with Ed every day, but other than that, I don't really seem to be living in my own life. Weird. It's time for me to sleep now because Othello has exhausted me. peaceout;)
9/2/01-- I'm definitely not ready to go back to school. And it's not making it any easier that Ed doesn't have to go. I'm not even looking forward to the parties this year because last night I felt extremely old at the party I was at. And I of course began to miss my buddies who graduated, which didn't exactly help me enjoy myself. So Ed and I peaced early and watched more movies in my car. Yeah, that's right, in my car! We pimped out the Jetta with a DVD player, and I've never had so much fun in my car. I think we've watched like 4 movies in the past day and a half. Besides being busy with that, we went to the beach (best thing to do as a couple; totally fell in love all over again), and we obtained some "children". Fish really. I've had a goldfish for three years now (Tiny Tina), and we decided to get five more as our "children". So we named them Sped, Tanqueray, Cristal, Bacardi, and Hennesey. Now unfortunately Tanqueray and Cristal died within the first twelve hours, but the others are still doing fine. But now I'm getting all depressed...no more sleep over parties, no more midnight rendevouz, no more day trips...it's time for school. peaceout;)
8/25/01-- I just had the best and worst night of my "life involving boyfriends" at once. I'm way too tired to go into all the details right now, but let's just say I've never been so emotionally all over the place. Wow. I cannot believe that all just happened. And I actually cried from both sadness and happiness. Alright, I'm fading fast...peaceout;)
8/20/01-- So tomorrow I'm leaving for the lake, and all the drama has left me half-excited to go. I don't really want to be away from Ed again, nor do I want to end up in the middle of anything. At least Ed and I have the beach trip coming up. Wow, I just realized how tired I am...between swimming and dinner and, uh, stuff with Edward, I'm exhausted;) I can't believe I'm such a moron that I forgot Karl's was tonight...there Ed and I were with Maurna in Sleven waiting to hear back from my boys, and I couldn't figure out why they weren't calling...turns out I didn't have my ringer on. Botch;) Oops, I gotta go supervise Maurna and Ed's mission of destruction...long story. peaceout;)
8/14/01-- It's rainy in Newport. And that means there is nothing to do at all. Nothing. This place is a beach town, and all the touristy things are outdoors. We got to go to the beach for 2 hours yesterday in the afternoon when the rain stopped for a little while. But once again, it's raining today, and it has been since Saturday. I'm completely bored, and I've gone beyond missing Ed just a little bit. Now I'm trying to figure out ways to fly him up here. It sounds like all I'm missing in DC is rain too...it's just there there are indoor activities. So now it's 8:30 am and yes I'm awake because there's nothing for me to do at night so I end up going to bed at 10 and my bed here doesn't exactly lend itself to sleep, so I'm usually up by now, if not earlier. I'm counting down the days until Saturday...it's kinda like being grounded. And the amount of time I've had to spend with Kathryn is ridiculous: I've never hated her so much. peaceout;)
8/9/01-- Happy Birthday, Bailey.
8/5/01-- Got it. Whew. Too tired to type now, though, because I just got back from Ed's and it's 11:45 am. peaceout;)
8/4/01-- 8 days and counting. I took the test yesterday and failed. Thank God! Never been so happy, and I even lept and bounded into Ed's job to tell him. But it still hasn't actually come yet. Hmmmm. On another note, work is finally over, and since I'm not going to Mass anymore, I can actually relax! Unfortunately my first night of freedom didn't go at all as planned last night. Long story, and I don't feel like going into it now. Hopefully tonight will be better, although I won't even be leaving until 12...it's a sneak out night! I'm definitely fired up. Okay, time for me to go indulge in Peruvian chicken which my dad made me order in Spanish. peaceout;)
8/2/01-- Scared. I'm really scared right now. While usually I'd be ecstatic that it hasn't come, and I could therefore put off the suffering a few days...not this time. I don't want to be back at PPMW. And even though Ed and I have our Tahoe dream all planned out, it wasn't supposed to be for a few more years. I know stressing just makes it worse, but how can I not. What if it did happen to me? peaceout.
7/28/01-- Ed and I celebrated our one-month anniversary this past week. Although it's definitely felt like a lot longer. Unfortunately he's been in the doghouse since last Friday, and the rent is about to go up;) Let's see, tomorrow I have Diamond States, a big regatta in Delaware, and I'm pretty fired up for that. Soon I have to decide if I'm going to World's or not. It really depends on my work schedule, although it's such a great opportunity. My interview at Penn went fabulously yesterday. I loved how the woman and I talked for an extra hour just because we clicked so well. Too bad I don't really want to live in Philly! Otherwise based on grades, the interview, etc, I'd be in...nice that I don't have to depend on crew to get me into college! So I have yet to choose my early decision school. Regardless, I'm taking Ed with me:) Alright, I need a little nap now...too much partying and not nearly enough sleeping! I haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep a night in the past week. So basically I'm running on pure adrenaline (which I don't even know how to spell). peaceout;)
7/19/01-- Well, I'm 17 now! Think of all those R movies I'll be able to see;) I'm exhausted now from celebrating with Ed, but it's been a great day. And looking back, 16 is a great year, and I'd never had that much fun. I think mostly it was because I could drive, but there are many other reasons too. By the way, if you have yet to hang out with Ed and me, you really should, because in the words of Emma, we are the most fun couple to hang out with. Luckily, I have the morning off tomorrow, so I can recover, but this has been such a good birthday. And I can attribute most of that to Ed...what a wonderful boy:) It was exactly one month ago today that I met him, and I've been exceedingly happy ever since. I'm definitely glad I went to Vince's that night. Anyways, I'm gonna try and sleep now, although I'm way too sugared-up from my birthday cake. peaceout;)
7/18/01-- First of all, happy 18th, Sam and Jake! I think it's cool you guys turned 18 on the 18th:) Tomorrow is my bday, and I'm fired up. Although, I pretty much forget altogether about it unless I remind myself. I'm taking the day off from crew too...I figure I should be allowed to sleep in on my bday! My boss also gave me off tomorrow afternoon and Friday morning, so I can genuinely celebrate. Although, I have an inkling most of the celebrating will be done at Ed's house between the hours of 12am-4am;) On a different note, I think it's interesting how some people reacted to my last entry (namely one boy). I meant it only as a way of expressing the fact that I haven't forgotten that she exists, and I'm ready to move on. I never said she would come leaping and bounding back, because I don't think she would. Basically, I was just trying to say that I'm here and will be for a while, and the ball is in her court now, so to speak. No need to flip out so much! Okay, time for bed because I do have to get up for work tomorrow...T-19 minutes 'till my Birthday! peaceout;)
7/15/01-- I had the dream again last night. It's not exactly the same every time, but the same general theme persists. We're together again, laughing like always, and it's not weird at all. Maybe we're pounding Nantucket Nectars or maybe we're driving around Ruff Ryder style in my Jeep or maybe we're just doing nothing. But we're together again, like nothing ever happened. And I think I've gone through the whole process now...first I was in denial, then I was angry, then I grieved, and now I'm ready to move forward. I'm just scared that maybe she's not ready yet. But I wouldn't be surprised if they put us in the same group for the senior retreat. On a completely different note, I fell for Ed all over again tonight when he came over all dressed up in his preppy clothes. Beautiful boy:) T-4 and counting 'till my bday!!!! peaceout;)
7/13/01-- Friday the 13th!! Life has been so hectic and pleasantly busy lately, I've forgotten to ramble:) Let's run through my schedule...4:30 am: get up for morning crew; 7:15 am: get off the water and drive home at approx. 87 mph; 8:30 am: leave for work after getting showered, dressed, and packing a lunch in 30 minutes; 11:30 am: lunch break with Ed via the telephone; 4:30 pm: leave work; 5:15 pm: try and nap, but fail miserably thanks to the phone ringing approx. 652,894,028 times; 6:15 pm: eat dinner with my family; 7:00 pm: get dressed yet again for the night; 8:00 pm: fetch Ed and enjoy my evening; 11:30 pm: leave Ed with his buddies and return home to sleep just a little before it starts all over again. I guess summer is not about sleeping! But I enjoy everything so much...well actually I hate work, and I really hate my coworkers (imagine the most dorky 30somethings and that's who I work with), but Titus in the morning and Ed in the evening make up for it (wait, don't get the wrong impression with Titus there!). Oops, and I have to run again...time to go back to Ed's:) P.S. My birthday is in 6 days in case you lost count!! peaceout;)
6/29/01-- Whoa. These last few days have been some of the best all year! Okay, not yesterday and today: I'm home sick with a 103 degree fever. I feel pretty much fine, and I'm luckily not throwing up, but 103 is still ridiculously high. But Ed has been so great; he calls every few hours to see how I'm doing and if I need anything, etc. Our date on Sunday was probably the best "first date" I'd ever had. We saw "Fast and the Furious", which is such a sexy car movie, and then had dinner, and everything was just perfect and fun. Since then we've spent so much time together: he even came with me to get my car fixed! Good thing too, they were about to over charge me big time when Ed started talking "straight mechanics" with the guy, and whoa, the price dropped in half! Alright, let's see, the basics (aka why some people are going to Freak Out about him): he's got 4 ear piercings and a tongue ring (which is the most wonderful thing on earth), he has a tattoo (the first of 7), and he is in an extremely lucrative and illegal business (although he has another day job just to keep him busy). I love how he's already worried about missing me when I'm away all of August. I'm glad somebody cares! Okay, it's dinner time for me. peaceout;)
6/24/01-- Yes, I'm still obsessed with Ed. We have our big date tonight:) Right now I'm recovering from yesterday. I won one gold, one silver, and two bronze medals. Not bad! I had such a great time at the regatta, and I think Steve is the coolest "adult" I've met. It's nice knowing a bartender... By the end of the day, I was so delirious it was ridiculous. Jennifer (one of my rowers) asked me where her backpack was, and I pointed and was like "Oh it's right there"...only to realize I was pointing to a bunch of seats tied together. Botch;) Anyways, I was loving the Millenium four; it's so easy to steer I just love it. Right now I'm still bruised and burnt (you should see the mark on my back), but it was all so worth it. They even invited me to Worlds with them...I can't go though, because they're in August and I have my other job then. I'm gonna grab some breakfast now, but I'm already fired up for tonight! peaceout;)
6/20/01, 2am...or is it still 6/19?!-- Whoa. Ed is amazing. Amazing. Maybe it's because I'm still a little tipsy, or maybe because it's two in the morning...but he is just so amazing. I think opposites attract: he is definitely not a collared shirt and khakis type guy. Although maybe with a little encouragement...;) just kidding. And I cannot wait to see him again tonight, tomorrrow night, and all the rest of the nights. And to my boys, give him a chance before you hate him, please? Emma, I love you and I love Vince. Housed. Toast/Toaster!! peaceout;)
6/19/01-- First of all, my birthday is in exactly one month, and I'm really excited. Unfortunately I'm not allowed to have a party, but that's okay, I'll just hold out until I'm 18. I am definitely lost in summer already: I just got off the phone with one of my crew "buddies", and I had no idea if tomorrow was Tuesday or Wednesday (the correct answer is Wednesday). I'm pretty excited, though, because my first big regatta (rather my first big return to coxing regatta) is this weekend, and my boat is looking to be pretty fast. I don't want to jinx it though;) Anyways, things have definitely gotten weird since school got out: she is constantly over there, and even though I no longer have an interest, it bothers me that she is changing my friendship with him. I'm afraid he'll forget to say goodbye at the end of the summer. I'm not pining away though, instead I'm turning my attentions elsewhere; stay tuned;) I just realized I used the word "though" too many times in this entry. The summer slump has hit. peaceout;)
6/12/01-- I'm employed!!! I will be so fluent in Spanish by the end of the summer too. I love getting paid for charitable work;) Tomorrow I'm off to Syracuse for the rest of the week (Cornell and Colgate). Right now I'm loving W&M. Miss you boys! peaceout;)
6/11/01-- ROAD TRIP;) After Rehoboth was vetoed by a combination of Ms. Gratison, Ms. Mak, and my dad, Emma and I racked our brains to come up with an activity. We finally settled on going to an Orioles Game followed by a barbeque in the park. I picked up Morgan and Emma at Emma's house at 12 for the game. We sat in beltway traffic for half an hour, during which we ordered concert tickets and called each other on our phones, and finally sped into Baltimore at 97 mph. We proceeded to get completely lost going to the parking lot. Eventually I turned up the one way service road next to the stadium, only to discover it didn't turn into the lot. Finally Morgan asked a stadium official how to get into the lot, he gave us directions, and then informed us that there was no game. BOTCH. So we laughed a lot and made fun of Emma relentlessly. We decided to go to lunch, and we got lost in the ghetto of Baltimore looking for a place/parking. We finally picked Fudruckers, however, this old lady cut me off for my parking space. I found another, at which point another old lady sympathized with me, using racial slurs to describe the other lady. Oh it was priceless. We got hit on 4 times in the restaurant by older guys, and it was embarrassing. After lunch we decided to go to the aquarium, but finding parking was another story. I accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up back on the beltway home. At that point, I declared Baltimore "no longer happening". We decided to go to the Hagerstown outlets at this point, in the complete opposite side of MD, mind you. En route, I got on the wrong 495, was forced to turn around in Landover (another ghetto with a drive-in liquor store), and thought I blew a tire, which I didn't thank God. Eventually we were on 270 heading towards the outlets. At one point we pulled off at the scenic view point: it was scenic, and Morgan sang "The Hills are Alive". We then continued into Fredrick, where we bust up into the visitor's center and scared the old ladies working there with 10 minutes to spare before it closed declaring "We're REALLY lost!" They were nice, showed us that we were actually close to the outlets, but we wanted to just go home (it was 4:50 at this point), so they showed us the way too. We all called our parents to check in, and my dad threw a fit because he was convinced we were at the beach, so I had to bring proof home. We took a stop at WalMart, where Morgan and I became felons. It was finally time to go home, and within 30 minutes we were back in Rockville. Amazing how long we made the trip on the way out there:) We had dinner at Morgan's, and then I had to go home because my dad just completely flipped out. Over the course of the day Emma called Andy about 6,739,205,894 times;) The irony is if our parents had just let us go to the beach, we would have done the same amount of driving and not gotten lost. Or spent nearly as much money. It was still a fun day, but sometime soon we are going to have to "go out to breakfast and shopping" and come back tan and sandy. The crowning moment of my day was when my dad realized we had in fact not gone to the beach. And oh yeah, I got lost on my way home from Morgan's too. peaceout;)
6/5/01-- I realize it has been a while since I last wrote. Mostly that's because my life hasn't slowed down until now since STA prom...with graduation parties and school ceremonies keeping me away from home for days. It's been a fun past week, and I feel like so much has happened. I don't think I'll be able to capture it all, so I'm not even really going to try. Besides, I'm sure most of you know what I've been up to anyways. As I was arriving at NCS Commencement, I watched all the seniors get their pictures taken in their caps and gowns. It's so weird to think that next year, that will be me. I have such a hard time picturing it because the picture in my grandmother's house in "my room" of my mother is of her at her high school graduation. I've almost come to idolize that picture, and now I can't believe I'll be in a picture just like it. It makes me feel old. On another note, I finally know what I want to do about my dilema. I almost botched hardcore last night, but I think it'll all be okay. Sometimes my hormones get the best of me;) I think my summer plans are shaping up nicely, and I should be pulling in some serious Bling Bling. And as for that yearbook picture of Bailey and me, fuck you to the editors who put that in: it's none of your business, it shouldn't be published, and it doesn't help resolve anything. And they ruined one of the only good pictures of us. I actually had a heart-to-heart with Brian Finn last night; he's a good guy. Now I need to pack for tomorrow and my trip to William and Mary. peaceout;)
5/30/01-- STA Prom was amazing, a total blast. Even though two people almost ruined it for me, I didn't let them...things are only as much fun as you make them. Sitting in class meeting today, I once again realized how undedicated our grade is, as we had less than 50% attendance. We have a cool theme though. And it is....SIKE, no way I'm telling anybody. Summer is really beginning now, and already prom feels like it was a while ago. I really haven't slept yet to recover from last night, but dinner is calling so once again I must put off my nap. peaceout;)
5/23/01-- I'M DONE!!!! And yet, it doesn't feel like it. It has been a wonderful day (not just because I finished junior year). I still haven't made up my mind about that person. peaceout;)
5/22/01-- I'm coming out of retirement. I'm going to start coxing again over the summer, and I'm fired up. I've missed the feel of the boat against my back, and my precious "coxswain's check" on my back is even starting to disappear. I miss the victories and the losses. So starting to today, I'm gonna lose the weight that I gained since the fall with the help of sugar products all over the world. I'm reviewing my notes and dusting off my wrenches. And you are all cordially invited to my regattas! So this summer, at least three times a week I will be coxing from 5:30-7:00am. I'm gonna try and get recruited for UPenn too. I've been told by friends that this just isn't gonna happen. But Mrs. Marks has faith, so I do too. I've spent all day emailing my old coaches and future coaches, and so now I must really study for English tomorrow. Chops. It's Ms. Campbell, come on! Wish me luck. peaceout;)
5/21/01-- I've been thinking about it for a while now. And I've dedicated so many of my therapy sessions to it, too. But I still don't know what I'm going to do. I'm afraid to change everything, but afraid that if I don't, it will slip away over the summer, lost forever. I don't want it to be my regret. And another day goes by, and still, I've done nothing. I have to be careful I don't run out of days. And who is this now entering the picture? A challenger? "Everything will be alright in the end, and if it's not, it's not over yet." peaceout;)
5/20/01-- And another weekend has drawn to a close. Friday was tons of fun...Emma and I had lunch with Ms. Conlin and got tons of good advice about everything. Then Emma, Morgan, and I went to go see "A Knight's Tale"...not only was the movie good, but Heath Ledger is ridiculously hot. There was laughter, which carried on well through dinner at Cactus, where I overheard way too many conversations at neighboring tables. On Saturday I had a great time at the show, and then my dad, sister, and I saw "Shrek" which is also very good. Dinner at Krupin's followed by...NOT GOING OUT. Yeah, whoa. First time I haven't gone out in like 4 months or something. It wasn't entirely my choice, though. A certain boy ruined my evening, and I got shafted for the books by the girls. At least I finally finished Cartero de Neruda. Excellent book. Today I've done some half-assed math studying, and I guess I should be getting back to that now. peaceout;)
5/17/01-- So tomorrow is the last day of my junior year. The most hyped up year ever at NCS, and it's over. Whoaness. I got a little taste of senior year tonight since we didn't have any homework...I think I'm gonna love it;) Emma and I had a fun play date and watched Friends. Now THAT was a surprise! I'm not sure I really want to be Rachel if I'm gonna have to be pregnant...:) Then we talked about some stuff, which was good to discuss. However en route back to my house, I ran into a rather large crowd outside of Jackie's house, only to discover a party. I stopped by to say hi to Ceej, and a rather inebriated G-Love stumbled into my car! A few more hysterical incidents and lots of hugs later, and I was on my way home to finally go to bed early on a school night...or so I thought, as I'm still up writing this. So I had a really eventful night, and it's only Thursday...this weekend should be delightful;) I hope everybody has a great last day of school...or last day of highschool for some! peaceout;)
5/16/01-- I didn't win. And I think what bothers me the most is that I know I could do such a good job, and I wish I just had a chance. I did realize today, though, just how political my life is...: the senior class presidential election scandal, splitting the votes, advancing war fronts, diplomatic party appearances...and the list goes on. And I don't even really like the whole US politics scheme that goes on! I have faith, though, that there is a reason I didn't win VP; there is something better planned for me, although I don't know what yet. On a totally different note, Jamba Juice was a refreshing delight, and Coleman I am forcing you to go there...perhaps in your new car. Time to get a little sleep so I can fully appreciate the Senior Service tomorrow...I can't believe we're here already. peaceout;)
5/13/01-- Time for another weekend update! This one will be brief though because frankly I think everybody reading this knows what I did this weekend. So here goes. Friday I celebrated the end of my US History AP, and I went up to see Paul for his bday. That didn't go as planned.... I came back just in time to go to the WRONG baseball game (oops Ceej!). Dinner with my dad/sister followed by a lovely evening at the Goldberg's house. Actually, that was really funny because Eby tried to kick me out even though Sam had invited me. So that was a lot of fun (really, it was, I'm not being sarcastic) until there was a marital fight between friends. I hate not knowing what to say in those situations. Saturday I studied, watched Il Postino, which made me cry, for Spanish class, and continued the summer employment search. I went to CJ's house for a pool party...sorta in honor of Graham's bday, more in honor of his parents going out. Kelly baked Graham a cake, and Graham's girlfriend was there...funny times ensued;) I finally met Jen Grant, too...she turned out to be totally chill. Eventually, I almost fell asleep and so I went home. I picked up the Degenerate Art cd on my way out and was pleasantly surprised. Considering I am a rap fan, it's a huge honor for them that I listened to the cd multiple times!;) So yes, it is really good. Anyways, today I did the whole chem review thing for the AP tomorrow, and I'm still really nervous. I also took a nice trip over to Gap thanks to Kelly's tip, and hopefully I'll be hooking yall up with discounts soon! I wish I'd gotten to go to the cemetary, but an English paper called. I guess I'll have to go sometime this week...although I hate driving there because it's in the ghetto and I always get lost. So that's about it for now. I can't wait for tomorrow night when all of this studying will finally be over. And CJ, that was very cruel of you to remind me earlier that you would be swimming while I was working! I'll have to get you back;) Good night, my loves. peaceout;)
5/10/01-- I am dead tired of studying. And bored of studying too. I've been home since 11:30 studying history with only two breaks: a quick nap and Friends. At this point, I feel like I'm as ready as I'm going to be. So please do not ask me any history questions because if I accidentally got them wrong, I would have a breakdown! Anyways, I am SOOO fired up for prom!!!! The hummer limo is going to be beyond tight. And I'm finally gonna get my haircut too. Okay, that's pretty much it for now, I gotta review 1920-1970 again for the DBQ. By the way, how boring are my ramblings now? Too bad a few people had to ruin it for everybody. peaceout;)
5/9/01-- Okay, the first part of this rambling is a legit rambling, and the second part is dedicated to Emma. Part I: I am so proud of myself! I did significantly better on my AP US History multiple choice tune up than I thought I would. This gives me new hope that I will not, in fact, get a 3 on the AP. Although I will say, the firedrill and the fact that studyhall has moved to the library definitely contributed to some of the questions I got wrong. But hey, that's okay, because that won't happen during the real AP...on Friday!!! Which is Paul's bday (no I didn't forget). And Saturday is Graham's bday (also didn't forget that one!). And Kimi, I know I still owe you a bday present...I just haven't found anything that I would want to give you. You know how it is when it's a present-draught. Anyways, I've been home all afternoon studying and sleeping so that I am well prepared for the last two exams...and because the assembly sounded terrible. Way to go out on a high note, NCS;) And tomorrow Steph get's confirmed in front of about three of my friends because a lot of you will be taking AP Calc (good luck you guys!). Part II: Emma, I am so proud of us. And that sounded weird. But what I mean is that I was glad that we were able to have a difference of opinion on you-know-what and still maintain our awesome friendship. It also helped me prove that I don't ruin everything;) Whatever you decide is okay with me. At this point, I kinda feel like it's one of those "God wills it" type things...where if I'm supposed to win, it won't matter if you run or not, and if you're supposed to win...obviously you'll run! So you just take the time you need and make the decision that works for YOU. I'll still be your friend...if you'll be mine;) I love you Emmybear:) And to everybody else (my friends at least), lately you all have made me so happy, thanks for everything. So good luck to all of us on our AP's, and good night. Oh yeah, I just EXERCISED! How many people lost bets?;) peaceout.
5/8/01-- I just closed my history text book after a quick three hour review for my mulitple choice tune up tomorrow. I didn't take it today like I was supposed to because I had the Spanish AP...which I actually think I might have done okay on. So everybody has told me that the history test is okay and not to worry, but I can't help fretting. My grade is on the rocks, and I would hate to blow it. Right now, I think it's more up to God and fate;) I can't believe how much work I've done this year...in all of my classes, not just history. But I have the same regret that NCS always tells you that you don't want to have on Freshmen Orientation Day: I wish I worked harder freshmen and sophomore years. I pretty much did jack shit the last two years, and my GPA shows it now. I hate knowing that it's in that "iffy" range...I wish I was a sure thing. I wish I'd learned to be addicted to my work earlier so I wouldn't have to be now. But I'm almost done. I was looking at my calendar for the end of May, and to my delight, I have a party to go to every other day (so far...who knows how my schedule could end up!). I think I will be celebrating my end of the year with the graduates, for even though I won't have a degree, I'll have a respite. I have to start working on my speech for next week: vice presidential elections. I'm scared to run though. I remember all I wanted in 7th grade was to be treasurer. I put little notes in everybody's boxes that said, "I won't take any money that is not mine; as your class treasurer, I'll be just divine!" I lost. There is nothing worse than the feeling when you walk back in the room after losing. I wanted to just disappear, and I hoped everybody would forget I even ran. Last year I finally got over my fear of losing to run for president of our junior class. Damn, I wanted that. I know how ambitious I am and great I would be for be our class. I know that when I set goals, I accomplish them. Unfortunately for me, Jessie ran against me, and we split the votes, leaving Marissa victorious. We all know how that story ends...our class went to hell. Anyways, that brings us to now. Once again I will be putting myself at the mercy of my classmates for their votes for vice president. I was shocked today to hear that none of my friends who ran for president won. I just hope that none of the non-victorious (who probably aren't reading this now because I really don't speak to them ever...) don't decide to run for VP just because they lost P. So next Wednesday I'll stand out in the hallway again and hope that maybe this time I won't have to walk back inside with the intention of being invisible, like Bradley. And that's where I am today. Well almost, there's a lot I'm leaving out...but you all couldn't handle me being straight up.... peaceout;)
5/6/01-- Okay, so the weekend is over, and I didn't do nearly enough studying. But that's okay because I had so much fun anyways. Flower Mart wasn't as good as it usually has been, but it was still fun. Afterwards Emma and I went to her old school's carnival. It was so much fun! Aside from the fact that the pollen was killing me. Emma won a fabulous Backstreet Boys book which we promptly put in my car for reading pleasure. After that I went home to SLEEP. Sorry I couldn't go to the LAX game, G-Love:( So I woke up, and Emma and I went to dinner with the boyz. FUN!!! I've never heard so many Ms. George stories! And CJ, what are you doing eating shrimp fried rice?! Graham, the cup incident was priceless:) Mark, don't ever ask her for oral! So Emma had to go home after dinner because she had SAT's the next day, so I went over to Ceej's house for a hot tub party. Noooice;) Jackie came over and talked for 3 hours straight. By then it was 1, and I was supposed to be home early...on my way out Coleman popped the question that I of course said yes too;) Saturday, Emma and I went to the STA baseball game. WOAH. CJ, you were SOO MVP of that game! Of course Gillete was awesome too! That was the most exciting baseball game I've ever seen. That night I babysat and made oodles of money. I know I missed Meredith's, but it sounded bad anyways since 5-0 came. After my gig, I went back to the hot tub for a mad party;) Good thing Mr. Johnson didn't come down...and find that 2 really was 22! Eventually I got sleepy and went home...oh yeah, Graham thanks for my "presents";) Today I just worked all day, and now I am preparing to watch Malcolm in the Middle...one of my most favoritest shows. So yes, this weekend has been good. Very good:) And Emma, less than a month until we can celebrate a departure! TV Time....
