THE GUNDAM WING CHRISTMAS PARTY

 

 

Our story begins on Christmas Eve, a particularly dark and slightly stormy Christmas Eve. our heroes gather at a lonely, desolate mansion set upon a lonely, desolate hill. they arrive, one by one, knowing not why they are gathered. They sit at dinner, in silence.

 

 

QUATRE:(in a desperate attempt to make conversation) So, here we are.

 

TROWA: stares silently at empty plate

 

 

WUFEI: stares silently at empty cup

 

HEERO: glares silently at knife and fork

 

DUO: grins silently at Quatre

 

QUATRE: (with a sigh) never mind.

 

DUO: hey, I know this great drinking game...

 

WUFEI: NO.

 

(they fall silent, each staring at his personal choice of furniture. Suddenly, the door to the dining room bursts open. Enter RELENA)

 

RELENA: (waits a moment after gaining the attention of the others) No doubt you are wondering why you are all here.

 

 

DUO: Hey, I just got this letter saying to come here for dinner tonight.

 

QUATRE: I have a letter just like that. (produces invitation from within his vest)

 

(one by one, the gundam pilots show that they, too, have received identical invitations.)

 

RELENA: I also have a letter. (produces invitation.)

 

HEERO: (in a demanding voice) then who invited us?

(a voice announces itself from the dining room doorway.)

 

ZECHS: I did.

 

QUATRE: (in an astonished voice.) ZECHS MERQUISE!!

 

HEERO: (leaps to his feet and pulls gun from somewhere within his impossibly tight jeans.)

 

ZECHS: (flips cape behind one hand and produces a wand.)

 

HEERO: (throws gun to table and grabs and pulls a wand from one shoe.)

 

QUATRE: not in here! you'll break the plates!

 

(RELENA and DUO begin to remove the dishes from the table hastily as ZECHS and HEERO jump onto the table while the others gather around, holding their wands above their heads.)

 

HEERO: (gestures with wand) elevantium!

 

ZECHS: (is thrown to his back. rises, tossing his long hair behind his head) Serpentius florum!

(a snake appears and begins to inch toward HEERO, who begins to back away. Suddenly, the snake bursts into flowers.)

 

 

WUFEI: (hides a flower discreetly within his clothing.)

 

ZECHS: I always get that one wrong. Ah well. (throws wand aside and throws back his cape once more to reveal a lightsaber.)

 

HEERO: So this is how is going to be.

 

 

DUO: Heero! ( throws him a lightsaber)

 

TROWA: Duo, what are you doing with a lightsaber?

 

DUO: I'm the God of Death. My motto is: be prepared.

 

WUFEI: That's boy scouts.

 

DUO: What do you know about boy scouts?

 

WUFEI: (blushing indignantly)

 

 

DUO: Oh, so that's why you looked so comfortable in Maremaia's uniform.

 

WUFEI: Shut it or die, Maxwell.

 

RELENA: Guys! You're breaking the mood.

 

 

DOROTHY: This will be a beautiful battle!

 

RELENA: How did you get in here? I didn't invite you!

 

QUATRE: So it was you!

 

RELENA: (Grabs HEERO's gun from the table) That's it. Nobody move!

 

TROWA: Why, Relena?

 

 

RELENA: You are all very valuable to me. I know all of your secrets. How Quatre was responsible for blowing up those colonies while flying Wing Zero. How Trowa killed the real Trowa Barton. How Duo's been stealing armaments.

 

DUO: It was only three beam cannons and a missile launcher!

 

RELENA: And how Heero (dramatic pause)plays with dolls.

 

HEERO: Hey! They are not dolls. They're action figures.

 

TROWA: What about Wufei?

 

WUFEI: What do you mean, what about me? I'm in on it.

 

DUO: Traitor! Communist!

 

RELENA: What does this have to do with communism?

 

ZECHS: Nothing at all. This is about capitalism. Capitalism and the American way.

 

QUATRE: But you're not even--

 

ZECHS: Semantics.

 

QUATRE: I think we all need to sit down and have a nice. long cup of tea. Talk things over.

 

DOROTHY: And then Mister Milliardo can win his beautiful battle.

 

HEERO: Now I'm offended (ignites lightsaber and swiped sideways holding the point at DOROTHY's throat.) Take that back.

 

 

DOROTHY: (slowly) Right. Well, why fight anyway? I brought some Christmas cookies and oh look! (points at ceiling)Mistletoe.

 

HEERO: (with determination) When I'm done with him, you're next.

 

ZECHS: Very well then. (ignites lightsaber) So tell me, Yuy, do you feel lucky?

 

( They fight, spinning around one another and over the heads of the onlookers, bringing the assemblage out of the dining room into the hall.)

 

WUFEI: (to DOROTHY) Ten bucks on Yuy.

 

DOROTHY: You're on.

 

(battle continues, accompanied by multiple commentaries from all sides.)

 

RELENA: Stop this at once! (places herself in the

middle of the battle.) Peace can be accomplished if you simply lay down your weapons and pay me a monthly blackmail fee of $200.

 

HEERO: Get out of the way, Relena.

 

 

ZECHS: This isn't about peace.

 

RELENA: Then what is it?

 

HEERO: It's about superiority.

 

DUO: (to QUATRE) Besides, he doesn't have $200. I know; I've checked.

 

HEERO: I heard that, Duo.

 

(A shot is fired. All turn to see RELENA, brandishing gun above her head.)

 

RELENA: That's more like it. Now you're watching the Queen of the World, aren't you? Thought you were too good for me. Oh, look at that obsessive girl Relena with her silly little fanclub and her PINK LIMO! Let's all pretend we're BETTER than her! Well, I’ve got the gun now.

 

TROWA: Relena, you don't want to do this.

 

RELENA: (aims at TROWA) Yeah? Well, dodge this, circus boy. (fires)

 

(TROWA bends backwards as the bullets fly over his head, leaps into the air, performs a complicated and unnecessary display of aerobatics, and lands neatly behind RELENA. He takes the gun.)

 

TROWA: Good suggestion.

 

DOROTHY: So what about those cookies?

 

 

WUFEI: Cookies? What about my ten dollars?

 

DOROTHY: He hasn't won yet!

 

(enter TREIZE through front door.)

 

TREIZE: RUN! IT'S COMING!

 

QUATRE: Who?

 

(The front door splinters and erupts into flame, and a Balrog appears.)

 

TREIZE: Fly, you fools!

 

DOROTHY: (holding a sparkling, multicolored scepter over her

 

head.) Don't worry! SAILOR ZERO is here!

 

WUFEI: Sailor Zero? Someone's getting delusions of grandeur. (shakes head and draws sword) I'll take you down to Chinatown!

 

DUO: Yeah! Then you'll be in his hometown!

 

TREIZE: I feel cheated.

 

( WUFEI attacks the Balrog, dodging the fiery whip and slashing wildly with his sword.)

 

WUFEI: (from amidst battle) The gun! The gun!

 

(TROWA aims and fires. The Balrog falls to the ground defeated. In the background, a high whistling noise erupts.)

 

QUATRE: That'll be the tea.

 

DUO: I think that's enough excitement for one day.

 

RELENA: There's a piano and a fireplace in the lounge.

 

ZECHS: Sounds good. But I don't think any of us play the piano.

 

TREIZE: (raises hand) I've dabbled here and there.

 

DUO: Heero can play Mozart.

 

HEERO: Duo! I told you not to tell anyone about that!

 

RELENA: He can play Bach and Chopin, too.

 

HEERO: Relena!

 

RELENA: Oh, come on Heero, there are worse things I could tell them. Like about that time we both got drunk and--

ZECHS: Okay, that's enough. Cookies, then?

 

 

QUATRE: (from within) I've got the tea! TREIZE: To the lounge!

 

(They begin to leave the Hall for the Lounge.)

 

DUO: So, Relena...what did happen that night?

 

RELENA: Well, it started out as a little drinking contest, and then my shirt...

 

THE END