Who's on First?
(Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello)
Lou Costello: Hey Abbott.
Bud Abbott: What do you want Costello?
LOU: Look Abbott. I understand that you're going to be the manager of the Lou Costello Junior Youth Foundation baseball team.
BUD: Sure!
LOU: Well I'd like to play on the team myself, you know, I know something about baseball.
BUD: Well that can be accomplish...
LOU: Well I'd like to know some of the guys' names on the team, so that when I meet them on the street or in the ballpark, I'll be able to say hello to them.
BUD: Well surely I'll introduce you to the boys. But, you know strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers, nowadays, very peculiar names.
LOU: You mean funny names?
BUD: Nicknames. Pet names. Like Dizzy Dean.....
LOU: Brother Daffy....
BUD: Daffy Dean......
LOU: I'm their French cousin,.....
BUD: French cousin?
LOU: Goofe'.
BUD: (singing) Take me out to the Ball game, Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and...
LOU: Peanuts! Popcorn! Get your Popper Jacks Here! Peanuts!
BUD: Sebastian! Sebastian, get over here. Pardon him folks. What do you think you're doing?
LOU: I wanted the people to feel like they were in the ballpark, because.... (grabs bat).... I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ballpark I'll be able to know those fellows?
BUD: All right. but you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean...
LOU: Not as peculiar as mine.... Sebastian Dimwitty
BUD: Oh Yes.
LOU: They got names funnier than mine? WOOOOOOOoooo(siren yell)
BUD: Oh Absolutely.... Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
LOU: You know the fellows' names?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, then who's playing first?
BUD: Yes
LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The fellow playing first base for St. Louis.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first base.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Well, what are you asking me for?
BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.
LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
BUD: That's the man's name!
LOU: That's who's name?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The first baseman.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?
BUD: Certainly.
LOU: Then who's playing first?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
LOU: Who is?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So who gets it?
BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
LOU: Who's wife?
BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.
LOU: Who does?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.
BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
LOU: I'm not changing nobody.
BUD: Now, take it easy.
LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
LOU: How could I get on third base?
BUD: You mentioned his name.
LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
BUD: No, Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay off of first, will you?
BUD: Well what do you want me to do?
LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third.
LOU: There I go back on third again.
BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base?
BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know?
LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base?
BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: THIRD BASE!
LOU: You got an outfield?
BUD: Oh, sure.
LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
BUD: Oh, absolutely.
LOU: The left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
LOU: Then tell me who's playing left field.
BUD: Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay out of the infield!
BUD: Then don't mention any of their names.
LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name in left field?
BUD: What is on second.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.
LOU: And the left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: Because.
BUD: Oh he's Center Field.
LOU: (whimpers) Center field.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.
BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?
LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: You don't want to tell me today?
BUD: I'm telling you, man.
LOU: Then go ahead.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: What time?
BUD: What time what?
LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on ---
LOU: I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"
BUD: Then why come up here and ask?
LOU: I want to know.... what's the pitcher's name?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!!
LOU: You gotta Catcher?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: The Catcher's name?
BUD: Today.
LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching?
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team?
BUD: Well I can't help that.
LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.
BUD: I know that.
LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
BUD: Well I might arrange that.
LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher; Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!
BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
LOU: Is to throw it to first base?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now who's got it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Who has it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Naturally?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: All right.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't, you throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
LOU: That's what I said.
BUD: You did not.
LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base---
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: That's what I'm saying.
BUD: You're not saying that.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You throw it to Who!
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.
LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BUD: Now don't get excited.
LOU: Who's getting excited?!! I throw the ball to first base---
BUD: Then Who gets it?
LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!
BUD: That's it. All right now... Take it easy.
LOU: Hrmmph.
BUD: Hrmmph.
LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.
BUD: Uh-huh.
LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.
BUD: Yeah. It could be.
LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
BUD: What did you say?
LOU: I said, "I don't give a darn."
BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!
LOU: ABBOTT!