Guests on this program were:

Tony Perkins
Arianna Huffington
David Cassidy
Beth Lapidess

Panel Discussion
 

Bill: How you doing? Thank you very much.
All right, let's meet our panel.
He's the editor of "Red Herring" magazine, celebrating its 100th issue, and the author of "The Internet Bubble," out in September.
Tony Perkins! Tony.

[ Applause ]

How are you, Tony? Good to see you.

[ Applause ]

Who? Ah.
She's the host and creator of "Un-cabaret" with performances every Sunday at the HBO/Warner Brothers Luna Park works right here in L.A.
Our friend Beth Lapides! 
[ Applause ]

Hello, darling.

Beth: Hello.

Bill: Thank you.
And she is a nationally syndicated columnist, muckraking convention and the author of "How to Overthrow the Government," now in paperback.
And --
oh, you're not my girlfriend anymore.
Right, she's got a guy.
Arianna Huffington! 
[ Applause ]

My lost love.

[ Bill laughing ]

Okay, all right.

[ Applause ]

And, finally, a fabulous legendary performer from Broadway to Las Vegas.
He'll be at the Greek Theater July 21st, the Westbury Music Fair August 16th.
And he is still dreamy.
David Cassidy.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yes, you are.
How you doing? 

David: How are you? 

Bill: Good to see you.

David: And you.

Bill: All right.
Well, let me bring you all up to date on the latest in the Gary Condit situation.
They searched all vacant and unused buildings in Washington today.
Among them, the Office of Civil Rights.

[ Laughter ]

The EPA Headquarters.

[ Light laughter ]

And the National Science Foundation.

[ Laughter ]

You see, these are all vacant and unused buildings in Washington.

Beth: Yeah.

Bill: --
In Washington.
All right.
Let's move on to the other --
they searched his house.
They found blood spots, stained pair of pants.
And a strand of brown hair.
His housekeeper went into hiding.

[ Laughter ]

Now, this is the best part.
He apparently also had an affair with an 18-year-old daughter of a minister.
Uh --

David: According to? 

Beth: The dad.

Bill: Well, the father of the minister, who was also the gardener.

David: Was he there? 

Bill: Who was there? 

David: The gardener.

Bill: The gardener is the father of the daughter.

[ Laughter ]

And he's also a minister.

Beth: The gardener is the minis --

David: Isn't that a song? 

Bill: No, I know, it's odd that a minister --
I guess a minister doesn't pay well.
'Cause he was also the gardener for the Levys.
And he was talking to Mrs. Levy one day.
And they got into this conversation.
And it was basically, "Wow, your daughter is banging Congressman Condit? My daughter is banging Congressman Condit." 
[ Laughter ]

"What a small world." 
[ Applause ]

I guess my question is this --

David: Yeah.

Bill: Not that I really have one.
But it seems like the Congressman has been with a middle-aged stewardess, a nice Jewish girl, and now an 18-year-old minister's daughter.

David: He's very Democratic.

Bill: He seems --

[ Laughter ]

David: A man of the people.

Bill: He's a Democrat.
You know, some people have a type.
You know? 

David: Bill Clinton? 

Tony: Yeah, he has big hair, right? 

Bill: No, Bill Clinton, I think, is the same as this guy.
Omnivore --
anything with an aperture.

[ Light laughter ]

Anything that has a hole that's not on fire, he will go for.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Beth: Or is on fire.

Bill: What's this? 

Arianna: First of all, he's not into holes, remember.
His M.O. is very different, sort of more frat boy sexuality.

Bill: Who? 

Arianna: Remember? Bill Clinton.
If you're going to go into that.
Remember, the whole thing was not about going into holes with Monica Lewinsky.

Bill: Holes? 

David: Holes.

Arianna: Let me remind you.
It's my accent, Davey.

David: No, no, I'm sorry.

[ Light laughter ]

Forgive me, I really did --
I got it.

Arianna: You got it now, right? 

David: Holes.

Bill: She's Greek.

[ Light laughter ]

Arianna: But the thing about Gary Condit --

[ Laughter ]

David: Okay.

Arianna: The thing about --
and you look Greek.
The thing about Gary Condit is really the hypocrisy.
You know, this is the guy who wanted the ten commandments in every building in Washington.

Bill: Yeah.

Arianna: This is the guy who, among Democrats who went after Clinton, more than anybody else, accusing him of dropping information drip by drip by drip.

David: Guilt.

Arianna: Guilt.
The Newt Gingrich phenomenon, right? 

Bill: Among Democrats --

Arianna: Among Democrats --

Bill: --
He's quite a Republican.

Arianna: Mm-hmm.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: I mean, seriously --

Arianna: And even though --

Bill: No, but, really, he has a very high rating among the religious people, among the social conservatives.
He would --

Arianna: And not among the ACLU types.

Bill: No, they don't like him at all.
He was that type --
I think he's the son of a minister.
I think he was brought up in a very religious background.
And those seem to me always the types who involve themselves in Mr. Freaky activities.

[ Laughter ]

David: I just have a question about --
what is your question about this? 

Bill: My ques --

David: What are we talking about? 
[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

What is this? 

Arianna: Come on, David.
First of all, this is a free-flowing conversation.

Bill: Yeah, really.

Arianna: We don't have to just question.

David: I got it.

Arianna: Okay, got it? 

David: I got it, okay.

Bill: I mean, really, if you have nothing about a guy who's banging every woman on the planet and one of them is missing, I can't help you.
But, look, I'll ask a question, and I do have a specific question.
And that would be --
he seems to have no type.
Men --
certain men have types.
Comedians get brandished, you know --

Arianna: You, for example.
We won't talk about it, but you have a type.

Bill: Well, comedians --

[ Laughter ]

--
Have a type, usually very young.
You know, Charlie Chaplin liked them young, Woody Allen, Jerry Seinfeld.
You know, they have a type.
Or some people like dark women or light women.
Robert De Niro --
black women.
You know, men are --
men are dogs.
I'm just saying some of them --
most of them are finicky eaters.
This guy, not finicky.
This guy seems to be all over the map.

Tony: Well, he's fashion-conscious.
You know? Interns are in fashion.

[ Laughter ]

Beth: I think he might be looking for something deeper than the external type.
He's open-minded.
He likes all sorts of different women.
It's a good characteristic.
That's not bad.

Tony: I think it's whatever he can get away with.
He's on airplanes.
You know.

[ Light laughter ]

Bill: That's --
that's the --
it's whatever --

Tony: He's a politician.
He has to be careful.

Bill: That's right.

David: Flight attendants now, okay? 

Bill: See? There's the answer.
He's a politician.
Just like Bill Clinton.
He has to take what he can get.
Bill Clinton had the same thing.
He had a net.
He was not a careful fisherman.
Whatever came into that net --

[ Laughter ]

Tony: But they all had big hair, though.

Bill: What happened? 

Tony: They had to have big hair.

Arianna: But in --

Bill: No.

[ Light laughter ]

No.

Arianna: In Gary Condit's case, at least you can say that he discriminates on the grounds of age, ethnicity or anything else.
Just on the grounds of gender.

Beth: Or availability.

David: Doesn't discriminate.

Bill: He's a Democrat.

Arianna: He's a Democrat.

Tony: He's an American.

Beth: Equal opportunity.

Bill: Do you think he could ever be elected again, then? 

Arianna: I don't think he should ever be elected again because --
hold on a second.
Although --
I agree with Bill.
I agree with the Bill Maher position that politicians' private lives should be private.

Tony: I agree.

Arianna: But not in the middle of a criminal investigation.

David: Exactly.
I think that's the point here.

Arianna: And you know who else is the culprit here? The D.C. police.
Because they have a double standard.
If this man were not a member of Congress, they would have searched his apartment right away, not 11 weeks later, when presumably he has cleaned anything that needed to be cleaned.

David: But wouldn't it also be true if we were just to look at the history in this country that we have become --
certainly all of us have become aware of with John F. Kennedy and with other politicians and certainly high-ranking politicians --
that later on, we found out with FDR and many others that they've had affairs and that they've had --

Arianna: So what? This has nothing to do with that.

David: I agree.
We're talking about a criminal investigation --
no, no.
I agree when we're talking about that.

Tony: Don't you think he made it harder on himself by --

David: By being a liar? 

Tony: --
Hiding things.
He should be out front, trying to find her.
If he really cared about her --

David: Right! 

Tony: --
He should have quietly told the police that he had an affair with this woman.
He should have stepped out front right away.

Bill: Correct.

Tony: And he could've said, "mea culpa.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna do everything that I can to find this woman." And he could've turned it around.

[ All talking at once ]

Arianna: --
Followed O.J.'s example and looked for the real killer.
He never did that.

David: Oh, of course not.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: All right.
We have to take a commercial.
We'll be right back.

[ Applause ]

In an effort now to find the missing intern Chandra Levy, police in Washington, D.C., now searching all vacant buildings in Washington, D.C.
So far, no sign of Chandra Levy.
But they did bump into Marion Barry four times.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: The police are trying everything to locate Chandra Levy.
Today, they also started using cadaver-sniffing dogs.
These are dogs specially trained to sniff out dead bodies.
One immediately took off running, and when the police caught up to it, it was humping Dick Cheney's leg.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay.
You know, I know we're gonna get letters --

[ Applause ]

--
'Cause we get a lot of letters.
And people will say, you know, "You're making fun, and you're laughing at something that's tragic." And it is tragic.
And we certainly have sympathy for this family.
Although, I don't think they're watching TV at this hour.
But, you know, everyone is talking about this.
But I think it brings up a bigger --

David: The Levy family, are we talking about? 

Bill: Well, the Levy family, of course.
And we're not making fun of the tragedy that they're undergoing.
But there is this situation in this country, I think, that every time something happens to a child, people have a way of grieving now about it that I don't think, they ever used to, which is they have to go on a crusade.
And I expect that, someday, there's gonna be, perhaps, this Chandra's Law.
Because there's Megan's Law.
There's --
there's a list of them --
Amy's Law, Brian's Law, Liz's Law, Lizzie's Law, Jenna's Law.
I was watching the news the other night.
There's a couple that is going on a crusade because their daughter was killed by something that fell off the shelf at Home Depot.
Now, I feel bad for this family.

David: Really? 
[ Laughter ]

Bill: I --
yeah, sure.
I mean, I'm not gonna lose sleep.

David: I can see the compassion already in your eyes.

[ Audience ohs ]

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Why do you doubt that? 

Beth: David! 

David: I don't --
I don't sense that you're that compassionate about this.
I think --
do you have a child? 

Bill: I don't have a child.
It doesn't mean I can't feel bad when a child dies.
But there's a bigger point, which is that, every time somebody dies, you can't enact a law to stop it from happening.

[ Bleep ] Happens.

[ Light laughter ]

Arianna: That's true.
On the other hand --
on the other hand, it is because of certain mothers' crusades that we got, for example, Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
That is Candy Lidener.
It is because of Cathy Faulkman, what's happening to her --
what happened to her boy in Disneyland, that we have the possibility now of having real laws that --
for those amusement parks to reveal what's actually going on.

Bill: you mentioned the Mothers Against Drunk Driving --
also the reason we have drinking laws that nobody can drink under the age of 21, and we're pretty much the only country that does that.
So in other words, everybody --
everybody in the world has to change their behavior because Eric Clapton and Tommy Lee are bad at baby-sitting.

[ Laughter ]

Arianna: No, excuse me --

Beth: But the Mothers Against Drunk Driving is a really good example, 'cause that's an important thing.
The home depot thing was high-stacking stuff --
countertops fell on this girl and smashed her.

David: Negligence.

Beth: Well, perhaps negligence.

Tony: Not the first time, either.

David: No, it's not.

Tony: They had a pallet full of, I guess, grass sod that landed on a 79-year-old lady and killed her, as well.

David: Right.

Tony: But it's a dangerous place.
You don't bring your --

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Yeah.

David: You're taking your life in your hands.

Bill: So why are they bringing a 3-year-old to a warehouse-shopping situation? 

Tony: Well, that's the point.
And if they want to go around and tell people not to bring their kids to Home Depot, I think that's a good thing.

Beth: But what they should protest is not the high stacking, but Home Depot's --
they just are focusing so much energy on stacking shelves.
I don't think that's big enough.
Home Depot is old growth.
They sell more old growth --

Arianna: But it's a larger --
it's a larger issue at stake here.
I mean, 10,000 people are injured every year because of things falling on them in stores.
I mean, it's not just one 3-year-old child.
And what's --
Bill, what would you like the parents to do, send the Home Depot a "Thank you" note? 

Bill: Well, first of all, I don't think it's in Home Depot's interest to be killing people with stuff falling from shelves.

[ Laughter ]

I don't think that that's their plot, is, like, "We're gonna save a lot of money if we just let stuff fall." 
[ Laughter ]

You know.

David: "That's how we get rid of it." Yeah.

Arianna: But it wasn't in --
but it wasn't in the interests of the people who manufactured Firestone tires to be killing people, either.

David: That's right.

Arianna: I mean, if it hadn't been for people protesting against it, they would still be killing people with Firestone tires.

Beth: I just think that people should protest a bigger issue.
I mean, if you protested against the, you know, old-growth wood, then you would save everyone on the planet, not just people that stopped at home --
you know, shopped at Home Depot.

Tony: And remember, television is at fault because it gives these people a forum.
You know, "Geraldo," "Oprah." You know, otherwise, there was no way.

Arianna: I mean, they're protesting something to prevent future deaths.
I mean, this is a bad thing? 

Bill: No, but --
but sometimes --
but first of all, you can't argue with the grieving parent.
All sort of logic --
or a grieving widow, as you saw in the Osprey --
you know that Osprey testimony from the widows who lost --
you know.
No one can argue with someone who --
who is grieving 'cause they lost a close relative.
So all sort of dispassionate argument goes out the window.
I think if you --
if you go public with it, you should forgo that, "Are we gonna automatically roll over for your point of view?" But that's what people do.
I don't think --
yes? 

Arianna: There is no question, first of all, that getting on TV has become a stage of grieving.
You remember the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross thing? You have bargaining followed by depression followed by anger.

[ All talking at once ]

Arianna: Getting on TV is one of them.
You know, now, instead of bargaining with God, saying, "God, please," you know, "I'll never do this again.
Just --
just let me get through this," you sort of negotiate with Stone Phillips for the opening thing on "Dateline." 
[ Laughter ]

But, you know, that's --
that's part of the bargain.

David: Ultimately, it's all about negotiating a book deal later, right? Is that what you're saying? 

Arianna: But I think this is different.
And I think when mothers use their grief to sort of try and prevent too many deaths from drunken driving or from things falling on your head --

[ All talking at once ]

David: But the issue is --
I mean, is it about negligence? I mean, you're --
I agree with Bill in respect --
you know, I have children, so I would imagine --
I imagine myself in that --
in their situation.
If there has been negligence on the part of Home De --
or any of --
we can't single out Home Depot, 'cause it happens --
as you quite rightly put it, tens of thousands of people die --

Bill: Oh, I don't think it's tens of thousands of people dying from crap falling from shelves! I really don't! 
[ Laughter ]

[ All talking at once ]

Bill: I really don't.
And it doesn't matter.
It can be one.
One kid got killed with a lawn dart in 1988.
Nobody can have lawn darts ever again.

[ Laughter ]

If that happened.
One kid --

[ Applause ]

It's true.

Beth: Good.

Bill: One kid got strangled on drawstring pants, and they couldn't have --
nobody can have drawstring pants.

Beth: But drawstring pants are so ugly, Bill.

[ Laughter ]

Arianna: You can do --
next is --
next is certain, you're going to find that 10,000 people last year were injured just from things falling on them.

Tony: Three people have died at Home Depot.
Three people at home depot, at least.
And they've had 180 complaints a year of major injuries.
It's a dangerous place.

[ All talking at once ]

Beth: I just find it disturbing that a store where you're learning how to use a buzz saw does not even know how to stack their shelves.

[ Laughter ]

So, you know, I --

Bill: So why bring a child to such a store? 

Beth: I would not.

Tony: That's a worthy cause.

Arianna: The other thing is --
why take a child to Disneyland, right? Why --
why take a child to Disneyland? I mean, it's a dangerous place.
Many children die --

Beth: Yeah! 

Bill: Right.
We have to make laws about that, but they'll gladly take them on the roller coaster and let some minimum-wage carny con man drop them off a ten-story building in a shopping cart.

[ Laughter ]

Arianna: They didn't --
until recently in California, they didn't even have to have paramedics present at Disneyland.
And all that changed because of a mother's crusade because of what happened to her child.
They don't even have to let you know what the safety record of the amusement park is.

Bill: I have to take a commercial.
We'll be right back.

Announcer: Join us tomorrow, when our guests will be actor/comedian Harland Williams, recording artist Dave Navarro, author John Saul and from worldnetdaily.com Rebecca Hagelin.

[ Applause ]

Bill: Now, a suspicious car parked in front of the White House in the driveway this morning triggered an evacuation of the West Wing of the White House --
an awkward moment for President Bush.
The secret service came in.
They told him he had to leave the building.
And he said, "But they promised me those dimpled chads didn't count!" 
[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

You get it? All right.
Let's talk about Dick Cheney.
'Cause I know you have a big thing about Dick Cheney.
And you think he should step down.

David: Really? Something that we don't know about? 

Bill: And this bothers me, 'cause I could need a heart attack device very soon.
He's got something put in his chest that gives, if he has a problem, 750 volts, which is a big shock.
Bigger than finding out your daughter's a lesbian.

[ Laughter ]

I kid.
I kid Dick Cheney.

David: What scares, I think --

[ Laughter ]

--
All --
all of us --

Tony: That comment scared all of us.

Arianna: Actually, I have two problems with Dick Cheney.
One is the fact that he's a lot sicker, a lot sicker, than the White House and his doctors are letting the American people know.
And it goes all the way back to before they were in the White House when, remember, the President denied that he had a heart attack.
And last time it happened, they called it a precautionary measure.
I mean, I call a precautionary measure adding fruit and vegetables to your diet, not having things up your chest.

[ Laughter ]

David: What about him darting and running out of the hospital, though? 

Bill: He wants to work.
You know, he's got a high-powered job.

Arianna: He doesn't want to work.
He's addicted to power, and that's the message that he's sending to over a million people who suffer from coronary heart disease in this country.

Bill: Right.
Bush said he's such a good example for Americans.
I don't know about that.
But, you know, if you have a high-powered job --
I argued against the woman who is Governor of Massachusetts having twins.
If you have one of these --
or that Louis Freeh, the FBI Director, took 12 weeks off for maternity leave.
If you have one of these jobs, you can't be pregnant.
You can't have twins you're watching every second in your office.
And you can't miss work.
You gotta pick.
You have a real job, or you have one of those incredible jobs.
And if you have one of those, you gotta go to work.

Arianna: But if you have one of those incredible jobs, and you are --

Bill: Like Vice President.

Arianna: --
Like Vice President, and effectively, President --
and you're as sick as he, you should resign and let somebody else do the job.

David: The scary part about this to me --
and let me just say this --
is that it's now a heartbeat away.
You know? And unlike when --
unlike when --

Bill: You mean Bush from Cheney? 

David: Yes.
And what happens if he --

Tony: Bush might have to become president.

David: And what he would have to do at that point, if Dick Cheney were to die while he's in office, George W. Bush would --

Bill: Become president.

[ Laughter ]

David: Would become President.
Exactly.

[ Applause ]

Bill: I know.
It's a scary scenario.

[ Applause ]

David: And he would have the opportunity at that point to choose.
He would have the opportunity at that point to choose his Vice President.

Bill: Yes.

David: Can you imagine Jeb and George W.? 
[ Laughter ]

Arianna: You know what? 
[ All talking at once ]

Beth: If he resigns now --
I mean, if Cheney resigns now, still we have another --

Arianna: But remember, this is the White House that was going to restore integrity and honor and put an end to the spinning.

Tony: Listen, how do you know that he's worse off than he --
and how about FDR? He was in a wheelchair.
How about Jack Kennedy? He was on drugs the whole time he was president.

Bill: I couldn't lead on my best day.
I get up at noon.

Tony: It's liberals jumping all over this guy 'cause they don't like --

Bill: This guy has screwed more people before noon --
I gotta take a break.
I'll be right back.

[ Applause ]

[ Applause ]

Bill: Wow.
All right.
Here's Arianna's book.
I held it up not well.
Tomorrow Harland Williams, Dave Navarro --
oh, he's good --
John Saul and Rebecca Hagelin.

[ Applause ]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher 
 
 

Executive Producers
Bill Maher
Nancy Geller
Kevin Hamburger
Marilyn Wilson

Supervising Producer 
Sheila Griffiths 

Created By 
Bill Maher 

Directed By 
Hal Grant 

Writing Supervised By 
Billy Martin 

Writers 
Kevin Bleyer 
Brian Jacobsmeyer 
Bill Kelley 
Bill Maher 
Ned Rice 
Danny Vermont 
Eric Weinberg

Coordinating Producer 
Claudia Cagan

Producer 
Carole Chouinard

Associate Director 
Bob Staley

Stage Manager 
Patrick Whitney

Announcer 
John Cramer 

Produced by:
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Executive in Charge of Production 
John Fisher

Executive Producers 
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