You Bet Your Life


An actor dies and appears before St. Peter, who tells him that he will have to labour for the souls of others for 15 billion years in purgatory or go straight to hell. The actor asks if he can see heaven and hell before he makes his decision.

Down they go into hell. It turns out to be a steamy, dungeon-like kitchen in which actors toil away shouting food orders while cooks swear at them and threaten them with kitchen knives and a hulking maitre de tells them to "Hurry hurry hurry!"

"No," screams the actor, "that's what my life was like! Show me heaven!"

Up they fly to heaven. It turns out to be a steamy, dungeon-like kitchen in which actors toil away shouting food orders while cooks swear at them and threaten them with kitchen knives and a hulking maitre de tells them to "Hurry hurry hurry!"

"This is the same as hell," the actor protests.

"Oh no. Not all," St. Peter replies. "These actors have agents."

A man walks into a daily newspaper looking for work. When asked about his special skills he replies: "I actually have no particular interests or talents myself but enjoy belittling the artistic endeavors of others."

"Fabulous!!" retorted the employment officer. "We have an opening for a theatre critic."

Two agents are walking down the street and a beautiful woman crosses their path. One agent says: "Boy, I'd like to screw her." The other agent says: "Out of what?"

Question: What's the difference between an actor and a mutual fund?
Answer: Mutual funds eventually mature and make money.

A producer goes to his bank manager to raise some finance for a new film.
"Do you have a director?" the bank manager enquires.
"Yes," replies the producer, "Spielberg."
"Steven Spielberg?"
"No," says the producer, "Ken Spielberg from Kentucky."
"Do you have a leading lady?" asks the banker.
"Streisand." retorts the producer confidently.
"Barbara Streisand?!"
"Well, er, no." says the producer. "Sally Streisand from Buffalo."
"Well, do you have a leading man?" asks the banker.
"Chamberlain," replies the producer.
"Richard Chamberlain?" asks the banker.
"......Yes."

Question: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Question: Four. One to screw it in and three to stand around saying that they could have done it better.

Question: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, he just holds on to it and the whole world revolves around him.

Question: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Five. One to get on the ladder, four to discuss the motivation for the change.

What's the definition of a good actor?
Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming. "You bloody fool!" he cried. "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered. "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked. "No!" the director screamed. "You forgot the bloody rose!



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