(Episode 1) Pilot-
"I'm president of the Gothic Fantasy Guild. The school cut our funding when the other guy graduated, but we're coming back strong."
"I was facing an army of Orks and all I had was a plus-6 lightsword and 12 hit-points. Oh yeah, the heat was on!"
Becky: "If you're downloading nudey pictures of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, dinner's ready."
Stacey: "Why did you wait 11 years to ask me out?"
(Episode 2) The Bookmobile-
"Do this Merton, do that Merton. Where's the love?"
Merton: "Tommy, I've got huge news!"
"If you feel the need to reduce lycanthro-astronomical science to a game of werewolf tag, that's your prerogative."
Tommy: "I know who I'm gonna give it to. Lenny Womack. I hate that guy!"
"Well, obviously someone who's virtuous, wildly intelligent, and handsome - in a quirky, unconventional way."
"I'd be the perfect werewolf Tommy! Bite me! Bite me! BITE ME!"
"I've stayed up countless nights watching American Werewolf in London. American Werewolf in Paris! I even wrote a screenplay for American Werewolf in Lennigrat - which, of course is now St. Petersburg, but the story still works."
(Episode 3) Butch Comes to Shove-
Tommy: "Hey, hey what if we like... I dunno, like, checked the film for clues, or something."
Tommy: "Butch wants to take a girl with him back into the movie!"
Merton: "We've, never really talked about this but your mom is kinda--"
Overvoice Guy: "The young pale man is right!"
Merton (holding up the film canister for Butch to see): "Looking for this?"
"We're about to face a relm-hopping, time-traveling thug! It's a fairly stressful situation! See that vain?! That's not s'posed to pop out like that!"
"He's not a bear, he's a pure-blooded, all-American werewolf and I'm his sidekick, his compadre... the Tonto to his Lone Ranger!"
Mary: "Oh heavens!"
(Episode 4) Cat Woman-
Merton: "Ah hey Debbie, how 'bout you and me... you know, maybe --"
"I believe the technical term is YEEOWZA!"
(Episode 5) Witch College-
"I wouldn't go to State U if they gave me a Paranormal Studies Scholarship."
"I'd be the envy of all the other children in 'Show and Tell'"
"You must understand a creative mind needs nourishment."
"Oh yeah! She's a robot!"
"Relax Tommy. You know, don't go all 'Salem Witch Trial' on Stacey just yet."
"Idea for a film: Serority Cyborgs! Possible lead actresses: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt... Dick Van Pattan. haha.."
"I'd like to ammend my first hypothesis- their not robots, their witches!"
Merton & Tommy: "Mmm, pajama party."
Merton: "Oh, these things actually work!"
(Episode 6) The Pleasentville Strangler-
Stacey: "Tommy, I never thought you'd be interested in the femenist movement."
Merton: “Merton J. Dingle High School!”
Merton: “Hey everybody! Leonardo Dicaprio is signing autographs in the parking lot!”
Merton: "What's the password?"
Tommy: “Uh, Merton, mind telling me what the password is?”
Merton: "Hey look, it's Elvis!"
(Episode 7) Stage Fright-
"Did you see that guy's teeth?"
Merton: "But you've got what I need!"
Tommy (after Dean *on-screen* holds up a puppy): "Awww! Look at the puppy!"
"...it says right here in Saucy Teen Magazine - which is Becky's"
(Episode 8) That Swamp Thing You Do-
"Never wear the frock when you're bowling"
"Look at all the slime! It looks like a Nickelodeon game show!"
"That's right, I eat slime, it's actually not bad."
"Fine, I'll just stay here and tend to the women folk."
"We all get excitied around girls Tommy. Some guys sweat, other guys drool, I'm more of a word fumbler."
Merton: "Well, I thought that you combined the articulation of Arnold Schwarzeneger with the emotional range of Jean Claude Van Damme."
"First of all, the so-called 'Soul Mate' was a concept invented in 1953 by the hall mark coorperation to sell greeting cards."
(Episode 9) Muffy the Werewolf Slayer-
"What are you talking about? I've kissed a varitable cornicopea of chicks."
"Yaahtzi!"
"I should warn you that if you choose to sit with me you will be branded untouchable and destined to walk the halls of pleasantville high forever shunned."
"I was at that Marilyn Manson concert too, maybe you remember me, I was the one being trampled in the mosh pit."
Vesper: "I saw your webpage, www.callingallwerewolves.com. You know so much about them. It's almost like... you know one."
"...it's just an urban legend, although Pleasentville is not really an urban center. Technically we're a hamlet, a sleepy little berg."
"You're a naughty naughty girl!"
"Sorry about the texture - I recently switched gels."
"AAAGHH, cold hands!"
"Tommy's not evil, sure he sheds all over my lair but he's a good werewolf!"
"I can't believe you used me like that, I can't belive I was so manipulated - I can't believe how hot you are!"
(Episode 10) Stalk Like an Egyptian-
"He only rose from the dead! I think he might have a whammy or two up his sleeve!"
"And the ring is right... on his FINGER!"
"I never should have used my mum's rinse, now I have all the bounce and no shine!"
(Episode 11) Flugelhoff-
"He's 100%, Grade A, all-American verevolf... d'I mean, werewolf."
"Vy? I mean ... Why?"
"What is it? Is my fly down?"
Merton: "Death? You mean Tommy's gonna die?!"
Tim and Travis (singing as HasselMania): "Ahhhh... ahhhh...ahhhh... I need soul protection, baby! (Protect me baby) That's lesson that I learned! Drownin, (Drowwwwnnninnnn). Drownin, (Drowwwwnnninnnn). TONIGHT!"
Merton: "The serum Flugelhoff!"
Merton (when Helga is wrestling him): "No more please!"
"Here comes the Blitzcreig!"
"Tommy, she's got balls!"
Proffessor Flugelhoff: "Helga?! You will meet me at the airport in the frequent flyer lounge, ya?"
(Episode 12) Invisible Merton-
Merton: "...I'm trying to make a statement!"
Tommy: "You cheated at Dungeons and Dragons?"
"Spell caster. Right! He couldn't cast a shadow!"
Alaster Black: "Still clinging to the midget goth routine, I see."
"Y'know sis, is it just too much to ask for a spoonful of love and support from my own flesh and blood?"
"This frock sets me apart from the herd. It lets the world know there is no one out there like Merton J. Dingle."
Merton: "That goth poseur warlock wannabe!"
"Ask not what the Gothic Fantasy Guild can do for the you. But what you can do for the Gothic Fantasy Guild!"
"Ok, enough with the spell casting - you couldn't cast a net over a dead mackral."
Merton: "C'mon! You don't understand! You don't know how bad I want it!"
Merton: "I'm invisible, my heads in a bag, and I'm totally naked!"
"ChumbawumbaWuTangClan!"
(Episode 13) The Wolf is Out There-
Merton: "Hey big guy."
"I've hated that guy since 5th grade when he threw ME in the lake."
Merton: I think it's his chin. That dimple is the source of all his secret powers."
"If people find out there's a real live werewolf in town, you're gonna have a bigger problem then trying to fit into your jeans. They're gonna wanna KILL you, come on, Tommy!"
"The badminton club rejected me. I couldn't say 'shuttlecock' without giggling. Hehehe.."
Merton: "Werewolves? You guys are hunting werewolves? While you're at it, why don't you go after some big game? Like the Easter Bunny."
Tommy: "Did you hear that? They just started the frier over at the Hungry Bucket!"
"Come on, who's my favorite werewolf?!" *tickling Tommy*
Tommy: "Pleeeeeeeease just get me a bucket of extra crispy!"
"R-O-W-D-I-E! That is the way we spell rowdie! Funny it's not how the dictionary spells it."
"Well they're all out of the dip but I got you some milk bones. He was -- but now he's not -- yipe!"
"I can't hide it anymore. The truth is: I've got spirit. Yes I do. I've got spirit. HOW 'BOUT YOU? Woo hoo!"
(Episode 14) Interview with the Werewolf-
"Agh cold eye"
(Episode 15) Fangs for the Memories-
Tommy: "Dude, there's no such things as vampires!"
(Episode 16) Time and Again-
Merton: "Hi, I'm Merton Dingle."
"I know a hysterical joke about barn-raising. You're not Amish are you?"
"Usually I'd try to impress you with a witty line, but here's the truth: I think you're really cute, and I'd love to take you out to dinner sometime."
"Mistakes and blunders are kind of my specialty."
"You guys [TNT] are a couple of brainless losers! After high school your lives will be a hopeless trainwreck of unfulfilled dreams."
Merton: "You're even more beautiful in daylight!"
"Music soothes the savage beast. While you're out with Stacey just crank some classical tunes! I recommend Schubert."
Tommy: "You could change the whole world with this! What are you gonna do with it?"
"Ok, how about: 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'? I've never been clear on the meaning but it sounds so peaceful."
Tommy: "What's wrong with you?"
"But I can fix things when I spill stuff or when I forget to watch a show on TV."
[About the watch]
"If people don't show up, they only miss themselves..."
(Episode 17) Big Bad Wolf-
Tommy: "You mean to tell me it's normal to fantasize about tossing Eric McIntyre into a blender with ground glass and lemon juice?"
"Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go watch 'Buffy' on the big screen TV. The pouty lips, the breathy voice. Ah, Sarah Michelle Gellar you slay ME!"
(Episode 18) Scary Terri-
"Hug? *Becky leaves* Ok. Self-hug."
Tommy (to Terri): "You're not normal. You're better than that."
(Episode 19) Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow-
"Wake up and smell the carnage Tommy."
Tommy: "Mr. Dunleavy's a werewolf!"
"You the man Merton. You the man!"
(Episode 20) The Exor-Sis-
"I'm a senior getting stuffed into lockers. I'd have to check with the folks at Guiness, but I think that makes me the World's Biggest Loser!"
"We've gotta get FrankenSpice down to the lair."
"I got ralphed on 9 times so you could bring me an UNCONSCIOUS priest!?"
(Episode 21) Don't Fear the Reaper-
*Knock knock* Merton: "Oh I hope that's my pizza."
(Episode 22) Game Over-
"Tommy, sometimes the line between fantasy and reality get blurred. Ok, when I was nine, I was so in love with Princess Leia I thought I could talk to her on my special pink phone!"
"Sure, no problem Tommy. And while I'm at it should I keep an eye peeled for Sonic The Hedgehog? Oh no, wait I can't. I've got a date with Laura Croft from Tomb Raider!"
"Jennifer Love Hewitt's on Conan tonight! Yay!"
Merton: "Get outta my lair!"
Becky: "It's not a lair, Freakenstein! It's our basement!"
Tommy: "Well gee, in the 2nd grade I had a pretty serious relationship with G.I. Joe."
Tommy: "Not now Merton I'm about to transform! You gotta talk me down please!"
Merton: "Ok ok ok ah calming senarios, how bout, Sunday in the park?"
Tommy: "Yes yes!"
Merton: "A soft breeze blows through the heather. *swishing noise* Songbirds fill the air with their melodies. *bird noises* Oh look yonder, the Henderson family is having a picnic: 'Son, eat your sandwich and we'll play wiffle ball.' 'But father I don't fancy egg salad! I'd much prefer tea and crumpets! I'd also like me porridge! Porridge tastes good in my tummy I like- *insert ramblings here*'"
Merton: "Yeah, I hate him too, but he's already something of a pyromaniac. You don't wanna spawn a werewolf arcinist."
Merton: *sarcasm* "Yeah, good idea Columbo, yeah let's 'Check the film, for clues!'... Actually that's not a bad idea."
Merton: "Who?"
Tommy: "I'll give you one guess..."
Merton: "Heather Skarpatso? I know she has really thick ankles, but if the graffiti in the boys bathroom is correct, she's a wily little minx."
Tommy: "The next word, that comes outta your mouth better be, talented."
Merton: "Talented! And you don't often see that in the smaller TV markets."
Merton: "How does he know I'm.... young?"
Butch (grabbing the film): "Yeah, I was. hehe."
Merton: "I had to taunt!"
Overvoice guy: "Mary, your language!"
Debbie: "Dream on, loser."
Merton: "See? After years on intense conditioning, I don't feel a thing!"
Tommy:"That is so cool!"
Merton: "Totally!"
Tommy: "Hey, if it's female, and it moves, I'm interested."
Stacey: "What?"
Tommy: "You know, all that stuff about girls gettin the right to vote and all."
Stacey: "Girls?"
Tommy: "What? What?! It's not like I said chicks."
Tommy: “There’s no way man! I’m not playing football for the fighting Dingles!”
Tommy: “Did you say Leonardo Dicaprio?” (runs out to the parking lot)
Tommy: "Gargoyle."
Merton: "I told you not to tell anybody!"
Possessed Merton: “Uh, small pox? Petticoat? The Louisiana Purchase?”
Merton: “Come get us you two-time cross-dressing Jack Ripper wanna be!”
Tommy: “Hey, you’re pretty good at that!”
Merton: “Yeah, I’ve been insulted a lot.”
Statue: "Wha?"
Merton: "d'I mean, hey look, it's President Lincoln!"
Stacey: "Merton!"
Merton: "Look, all I need is your Poly Sci Book!"
Stacey: "I don't have it, I lost it at school."
Merton: "You don't have the book? Then what am I doing talkin' to you for?!"
Stacey: "No wonder you have problems dating!"
Tommy: "Thanks, man!"
Proffessor Fugelhoff: "Do you know of another outcome for death?"
Professor Flugelhoff: "You know, if it wasn't for my army of werewolves, I would."
Tommy: "What kind of statement: 'My name is Merton, I am creepy, aaah, stay away!'"
Merton: "Shh! I'm running for office here!"
Tommy: "Well he's obviously not a 'goth poseur warlock wannabe' if he made your hand disappear!"
Merton: "You're just saying that because you're his Vice President!"
Tommy: "Well..."
Becky: "I thought mom and dad blocked those sites."
Tommy: "Totally? Couldn't you put on some underwear or something?"
Merton: "Tommy, my clothes aren't invisible, just me. Did you want it to look like you were being chased around by a pair of haunted underpants?"
Tommy: "'Big Guy?' What are you tryin' to say I'm fat?!"
Merton: "Relax, Tommy. It's just an friendly monicure, and informal greeting. A genial howdy-do. Now move your fat butt outta my way."
Tommy: "Merton, the guy is getting girls. There ain't no secret powers in that."
Merton: "It's a secret from me."
Travis: "Dingle, we've been jumped 3 times by that hairy freak!"
Tim: "The Easter Bunny only got us once, Trav."
Travis: "I'm talkin' about the wolf, bro."
Merton: "Sorry I'm not half canine."
Merton: "Yeah, that means a lot coming from a WEREWOLF!"
Girl: "Your last name is Dingle?"
Merton: "Well, you know what they say, the worst the last name the hotter the guy. You know, Brad Pitt?"
Girl: "You always know what to say."
Merton: "It's a gift."
Merton: "Pick up girls mostly."
Merton: "W-what do you mean?"
Tommy: "Well, you seem kinda... well, stupid."
Merton: "N-no, I don't."
Merton: "Wait! I didn't get to say goodbye."
Tommy: "It's a watch!"
Merton: "I'm stupid."
Merton: "Ok, that's disgusting. But normal."
Merton *spits out water*: "What?!"
Tommy: "I know, that's what I thought!"
Merton: "Wait, how do you know? He could be a secret government plant, claiming to be a werewolf--"
Tommy: "I shook his paw."
Merton: "I could see how that might be convincing."
Tommy: "What?!"
Merton: "I mean I hope that's not Death."
