(Episode 1) Hello Nasty-
"Take young school girl: an unspoiled portrait of purity. Note the uniform. Mm. Pleated with care and cut to dance above the silking kneecaps of sweet innocent lasses."
"Failing that I could always muster up a high-pitched girlish scream for mercy!"
"Here's a soothing haiku I wrote: 'Wind blows meadow grass. Bending back every blade. Raindrops feel so nice.'"
"I've been a little gunshy since I wrongfully accused the lunchlady of witchcraft."
"Tell me all about your little 'ghost friend.' Ok, maybe the air quotes were a bit much."
Merton: "C'mon bottle! This thing cannot be opened."
Merton: "Wow. Any chance you'll be wearing the uniform again because you looked really - that's not gonna happen, is it? Maybe on special occassions?"
(Episode 2) Frank Stein-
Igor: "The tomb stone said Village... Idealist."
Quiz Bowl Announcer: "What is the capital of Alaska?"
"The brain stays in the head! The brain stays in the head!"
"They tried to steal my BRAIN, Tommy! I guess that's the price I'll always have to pay for my genius..."
(Episode 3) Commie Dawkins-
Boris *Russian accent*: "Talk to the hand because face does not want to hear it."
Tommy: "Hey, Merton! What happened to all your creepy stuff?"
Merton: "...My inspirational 1989 Kitten Calendar. And there's my furry friend MC Hampster... Wait a minute! Tommy do you know what this means?!"
Tommy: "Well, did we do it? Did we beat Boris?"
Boris: "In future, pro-wrestlers become governors!"
(Episode 4) The Girl Who Spied Wolf-
Lori (to Tommy): "Actually, I find this whole werewolf thing kinda hot!"
(Episode 5) Apocolypse Soon-
Lori: "What are you doing?"
Merton: "Do you know what this means?!"
Merton: "Yeah Tommy, he must've been telling the truth, considering he's a traveling wrestling promoter!"
"Wrestling isn't real! Wrestling isn't real!"
(Episode 6) The Sandman Cometh-
Girl: "You know what really gets my 12-sided dice tumbling?"
Merton: "Tommy? What are you doing here?"
Becky: "Merton, wake up! You gotta drive me to school."
Merton: "Ah, hey...Tommy..."
Merton: "Last night I met the girl of my dreams!"
"I can't leave! What about mold spores, and asexual reproduction, and..."
"Call me crazy but my spiny senses are tingling."
"I'm gonna get to the bottom of this if it takes all night." *falls asleep*
Tommy: "I think we gotta pull a stay-a-waker!"
"Now normally the Sandman gives us 8 hours a night... six and a half when Buffy's on Conan."
"Watching you wolf out still gives me a little thrill inside."
Tommy: *yawns*
Merton: "Great Tommy you fell asleep!"
"You're plan's never gonna work, Sandman! Although coming from somebody who's totally emobolized that probably feels like an empty threat."
Merton: "Just look at her [Lori]. Like a sweet little angel kitten, floating on a marshmellow cloud. Dreaming of fluffy --"
Merton: "So, sleep now!"
Merton: "Turkey make Tommy sleepy?" *stirring mashed potatoes*
Tommy: "Oh, I'm getting there..."
Merton: *singing in rocking chair* "And down will come Tommy, cradle and all."
"And it was on that fateful trans-Atlantic crossing in 1847, that Giddeon Van Dingle met the bashful but cummly Prudence Jamenson Mackel."
*eating turkey* "What? Giddeon and Prudence were never lawfully married?"
(Episode 7) The Geek Shall Inherit the Earth-
"You think I'm a NERD, don't you?!"
"Nerds have labs. I have a lair. Airgo, I am not a nerd... Please disregard my use of airgo."
Lester: "Area equals Pi R squared, doo dah, doo dah, Area equals Pi R squared, all the doo dah day..."
Demon Hunter: "You goth kids make me sick."
(Episode 8) Imaginary Fiend-
"Clue!! Vince and I used to play this all the time! And we used to give extra points for the really creative murders!"
Becky: "If you're done playing with your dolls, dinner's ready."
Vince: "It's Vince, in the Lair, with the lead pipe."
Vince: "It's Vince, in the cafeteria, with the spork!"
"I concieved of you. And now, I'm unconcieving of you! Goodbye!"
Vince: "Hey hey, Merton buddy! It's playtime."
"Ah, the cemetary, that's perfect. The darkness, the solitude. The scent of freshly dug graves."
Vince: "It's Vince, in the lair, with--"
Vince: "Vince is back and it's p-p-p-p-p-play time!"
Merton: "I don't wanna p-p-p-p-p-play with my imaginary friend! Can't you see I don't play games anymore?" *puts down Gameboy*
Merton: "Repeat after me. I - won't - hurt - Tommy."
Vince: "It'll be Vince, in the cemetary, with the candlestick!"
Vince: "Nobody messes with my little buddy."
"I know it looks like I just punched my best friend in a fit of jealous rage, but--"
Tommy: "Yeah what about last night? I thought you said you were cool with Lori and I."
"Why is it so hard to believe that my imaginary friend tried to bulunge you with a weapon from a board game?!... You can get back to me on that."
Merton: "What we had is over."
Vince: "Maybe Vince should just get rid of you right now." *laser beam eyes*
"When you give into vengefulness, you only end up hurting yourself... And possibly me..."
"I'm begging you on bended knee! Figuratively of course. Hard wood floors? Killer on the knees."
Lori: "Other kids have giant bunnies for imaginary friends. You have a green-haired psychopath."
Tommy: "He's not going down!"
Vince: "It's Vince, in the cafeteria, with the deadly plasma bolts."
Merton: "What'dya say to one last game?"
"Tommy! Lori! I think the new janitor is a Leprechaun!... What? He's got the red hair. He's short. He does that little dance." *dances*
(Episode 9) 101 Damnations-
"Hey, now you're talkin'! About something that's totally insane!"
"He could end up stuff and mounted, admired for his ability to match a living room carpet!"
"He's a barking shedding freak of nature!... But he's a cute little freak! Yes you are!"
"Sit? Heal? Don't kill me!?"
"He's a precious little flame-thrower."
Merton: "If we consult the Encyclopedia of Evil, now let's see, 'Ceremonial Sacrifices', 'Celine Dion', ah here he is, 'Cerberus'..."
Tommy: "If I were Sparky where would I be?"
Merton: "Hey look, we both wear black, we have that in common. Heheheh, let's be friends!"
Travis: "How's that gonna help?"
*rapping* "In a back alley chained down, with a hell hound."
"For a guy that's been dragged through the streets by a raging hell hound, I'm surprisingly upbeat."
(Episode 10) Mind Over Merton-
"Aha! E=MQ squared! Einstien you amatuer!"
"I KNOW EVERYTHING!!! Oh wait, carry the 4... NOW I know EVERYTHING!"
Lori: "Your canister thingy didn't work! I thought you were a supergenius!"
(Episode 11) Blaim it on the Haim-
Corey Haim was a big star in the 80s, and then, uh, Corey? Do you wanna take it from here?"
"I on the other hand have never a problem with grituidist violence. And I'm quite partial to bimbos."
"As Mr. Haim's personal assisstant I have to ask you to refrain from 'breaking his face'."
"Well Corey's the writer/director/star of a straight-to-video major motion picture. That kind of power could be a luring to a young lady."
"The Decomposer 5000! Ah, the cadilac of caskets. English Oak with a fine walnut finish, brass hinges, and, well, the satin lining's a bit 80s but other than that, top drawer."
"I haven't seen a cuter on-screen couple since Dawson met Joey... not that I ever watch the Creek."
"I gotcha a pizza C.H. Your energy seemed a little low in that last scene."
"Hey that's weird, you don't have a [reflection] refl-... refl-... uh, re..frid..gera..tor.. large enough for your stature. I'll go look into that."
"Ok Merton. The time comes in ever man's life when he's got to show what he's made of... Sadly that time has come."
"Time for the old stake to the heart."
"I've brought down bigger vampires than you Haim!... Although none as handsome and talented."
"Ok, buried alive. No need to panic.... AH!" *panics*
[Note to Tommy]
"Here's some things you may wanna consider: A- he told me he's a vampire, and B- he's buried me alive. Oh and C- he's gonna bite Lori and make her his vampire bride!"
"Although saving Lori first may seem like the best idea, you should note that, while girls come and go, friends last forever...unless they're running out of OXYGEN!" *panic*
"Uh, hello? Running out of oxygen, starting to halucinate... Oh look, a unicorn!"
*halucinating* "Hello? Is that you grandma?"
"Haim's not a vampire. He just plays one in a movie. Don't listen to Merton. He exaggerates everything! (Tommy and Lori close the coffin) Hey guys I was just kidding!"
(Episode 12) Pleased To Eat You-
"Merton J. Dingle doesn't give up that easily!... Stupid stapler! I quit!"
"You're a wolf among men."
"Would you like to join the Gothich Fantasy Guild? We no longer sponser poetry readings!"
"Hi. Merton Dingle. President - and now soul member - of the Gothic Fantasy Guild. Cupcake?"
"Hey Tommy, thanks for helping me out tonight. Oh wait, that's what I would've said if you hadn't blown me off!"
"My people? I don't even have people."
"Hi. Merton Dingle? We chit-chatted a little earlier about my 'busy social calendar?' Well it turns out I do have an opening. More of a gaping crevice actually."
"Is there any milk in this? Because I'm lactose-intolerant."
Charlotte: "Have you do something different to your hair?"
Charlotte: "...In fact, the bigger you are, the more we love you. What do you say to that?"
Tommy: "What happened to you?"
Lori: "Tommy! His knees have dimples his chins have chins and he's wearing a mu-mu! He needs you."
"You guys sure know how to make a guy feel wanted. Hug?"
"Well that about does it for me. So to recap, thanks, enjoy the gift, and SO LONG!"
"So, you're spider people. What that like?"
Merton: "I have lots of friends and they'll be looking for me!"
Tommy: "Do you forgive me?"
"It's always nice to experience a new form of indignity."
(Episode 13) Manichurian Werewolf Part 1-
No quotes yet.
(Episode 14) Manichurian Werewolf Part 2-
No quotes yet.
(Episode 15) Mr. Roboto-
Mr. Geiger: "Just tell me what you see."
Mr. Geiger (while his head is being tossed between Tommy and Lori): "I hate head games."
(Episode 16) Rob: Zombie-
Lori: “Is it really you, Rob?”
Tommy: “Excuse me guys, but he’s a zombie! Shouldn’t destroy him or something?”
Rob: “What do you say Lolo? One more time?”
Lori: “He tried to jump the gorge.”
Merton: “She’s safe as long as I have this key… which I don’t have!”
Rob: “We both have our flaws - I’m dead, and you’re judgmental.”
Merton (to Rob): “Dorum kalab may dorum malak. Are you experiencing any discomfort?”
Merton: “I don’t know why it’s not working. Let me try one more time, with feeling: Dorum kalab may dorum malak!”
Rob:"Hey! My heads on backwards!"
Tommy: “So, Lolo, any other freaky ex-boyfriends we have to worry about?”
Tommy: “Okay, if I make this shot Lori and I are definitely getting back together someday."
(Episode 17) Fear and Loathing In Pleasentville-
Merton: "Tori huh? Kinda sounds like LORI, only with a T."
"Tommy, before I have to watch you share a pudding cup with Tori Smiley Face..."
Tommy: "So, do you like kickboxing?"
Merton: "Not to sound ungrateful, but I thought you said you didn't have any fears!"
(Episode 18) Faltered States-
Lori: (looks at underwear) "Merton J. Dingle? Do you know what this means?"
Merton: "I woke up in a dumpster with 85% of my underwear missing!"
"Lori.... T-bone?"
Merton: "Did I help?"
(Episode 19) Butch Is Back-
Tommy: *about the bikes* "Your own?"
Mary: "Tommy is so brave... maybe someday he can be our captain commander..."
(Episode 20) Voodoo Child-
"You guys! I'm being stalked - and not in the good way!"
"According to school records I'm an ebola-carrying hemopheliac with a mild case of mad cow disease!"
"If this is about my menopause scare, I'm all better now. Fit as a fiddle."
"Not.. faking! Must be... cafeteria cabbage rolls!"
"You must've been the top of your class in male nursing school!"
Merton (singing): "When I see your smile..."
Merton (playing with voo doo doll): "2 more, 1 more, and break it down funky T.... And doin' the moonwalkin'.... Ohhh noo... And then you stand on your hands, Oh!"
"You guys! You'll never guess what Male Nurse St. Jaques did to me in his office! *silence* (Merton impersinating Tommy and Lori) Tell us! Tell us Merton what happened? (back to himself) Ok!"
"It was just like The Green Mile... only 3 hours shorter."
"I knew it! St. Jaques is in to voo dooo... (spotting St. Jaques) you need any from the closet before I close it up?"
"So, you're a voo doo witch doctor. What's that like?"
Male Nurse St. Jaques: "The cult?"
"Mm-hmm beg pardon?"
"Do go on!"
"Pros: Mastery of voo doo would provide instant woman, wealth and fortune. Cons: Yeah, ya know... none!"
Tommy: "Let's just hope it works."
Tommy: "Now stay away from Merton, or I'll kick your butt back to Heides-"
"...Is it a 500 word essay about what I've learned?"
Merton: "But I can't hurt Tommy, he's my best friend!"
Merton (struggling over voo doo): "My body is trying to crush you! But don't take it personally! I'm under a voo doo spell!!"
"Here's a hunch - he's using some sort of voo doo!"
Tommy: "For a 300 year old guy you sure can take a punch."
"The Circle of Fortitude! Male Nurse St. Jaques' channeled the strength of all these people! And it's the strongest people in school! The women's field hockey team!"
"Oh yea circle broken strength gone!"
"...Since then I've been gloating, mostly."
"Who's teaching who a lesson now, Male DOLL St. Jaques!"
Lori: "Merton, are you wimpering?"
(Episode 21) She Will, She Will Rock You-
Merton (in weird accent): "I am an international fighter pilot. Does this, excite you?"
Lori: "Merton you don't need this garabage. If a girl doesn't like you for who you are then she's not the right girl for you!"
Tommy (in a weird accent): "I am an international
captain of the football team. Does this, excite you?"
"But I just named my yahht after you. Does this excite you?"
Merton: "Be a dove and hand me my pills."
Lori: "For every girl that thinks you're weird I bet there's 10 more who think you're cute."
"We're men of action."
Tommy: "Now back off Gorganoffopus... Gorgolafa... MELISSA!"
Melissa: "Looks like we got a love triangle."
Merton: "Ok, now that you've just ruined a 50 dollar mirror I think it's a perfect time as any to forigive me."
(Episode 22) A Clip Show: The Kiss Of Death-
Merton (writing a song): "I used to own this... hamlet."
"This cuddly little ball of fur has taken on every creature in the entire pantheon of monsterology! Which is, not a word."
Death (after Merton spills the goblet of Yoo-Hoo on him): "Argh, you're just making it worse."
Death: "Well, it's another 2 hours til I'm due at the old folks' home. Very well. Cold water wash, tumble dry, low heat."
Death: "I love the Haim!"
Death: "Why not town?"
Lori (opens YooHoo bottle)
Merton: "Just for the record I loosened that!"
Lori: "Like on Shut Up About The Uniform Or I'll Kick Your Butt Day?"
Merton: "I don't observe that holiday. Hm."
Scientist: "You don't mean Village Idiot, do you?"
Igor: "Yes, that's what it was."
Scientist: "MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Igor: "No, I think you were right the first time, idiot."
Tim & Travis *buzz in*: "What is Living La Vida Loca?"
Merton: "I'd prefer if you didn't refer to my treasured belongings as 'creepy stuff.' (walks into the room) Hey what happened to all my creepy stuff?"
Tommy: "Well, a kitten, hanging from a branch... says hang in there, I-"
Merton: "I don't know, Tommy. Do these trees look communist to you?"
Tommy: "Hot?! Hold that thought!"
Merton: "If you like it, I'm putting my arm around you. If not it's a muscle spasm."
Lori: "How long have you been having these muscle spasms?"
Tommy: "Yeah... Dr. Apocolypse is gonna have to fight the devil!"
Merton (to Lori): "He does this all the time."
Merton: "Making out with pale-skinned loner intellectuals?"
Tommy: "John Elway promised me Super Bowl tickets if I'd help him dig for sand."
Merton: "Relax, it's only 8."
Becky: "But I wanna leave earlier so I can walk the last couple of blocks. Someone saw you drop me off last week and I spent the entire day doing popularity damage control."
Merton: "...talk to much..."
Tommy: "You sound horrible - and you look awful."
Merton: "Thank you. Do you wanna go for the insult triple-crown and comment on my smell?"
Tommy: "Oh that's cool. Where'd ya meet her?"
Merton: "Unfortunately, in my dreams!"
Merton: *laugh* "Actually, an all-nighter."
Tommy: "Whatever. If that's what it takes, then that's what it takes." *walks away*
Merton: *walks after, runs into locker*
Merton: "Don't do that!" *yawns* "Yawning's contageous..."
Tommy: "If you're here, that means you fell asleep, too!"
Merton: "Hey I'm not asleep. I'm sitting in your kitchen just resting my eyes for a se-- you fell asleep first."
Tommy: "Merton- the plan."
Merton: "Right. Sorry. Female in the budeware. *sp?* Kind of uncharted territory for me."
Tommy: "One problem. Not tired."
Merton: "Luckily, boring people into a deep sleep has always been a specialty of mine."
Merton: "You hardly touched my stuffing!"
Merton: "THAT's an innocent. If he were any more innocent he'd be a kitten!"
Merton: "GOTH kids?! THANK you!"
Merton: "Action figures!... Do I interrupt her slumber parties? Well, there was that one time..."
Merton: "No, it's school time."
Merton: "Yeah yeah, with the nuse, I get it."
Vince: "Vince - will - hurt --"
Merton: "Ok that's not gonna work."
Merton: "It's Merton, in the lair... freaking out!!"
Merton: "I am cool. COLD even!"
Vince: "So you wanna see other people?"
Merton: "Yes... no."
Merton: "Actually, I'm not on board with you on that last one."
Merton: "Right, that's because 'Vince' stands for Mr. Invincible. Did I forget to mention that?"
Vince: "You know Vince is always up for playtime little buddy."
Tommy: "Cerberus?"
Merton: "...guardian of the underworld. He's a bonafide fire-breathing devildog."
Tommy: "Ok, so he's a hellhound. It's not his fault, can't you do something?"
Merton: "What do you think I have a kit to purge evil spirits from a dog?! Because I do...I had a few dark suspicions about the schnauzer next door."
Tommy: "Sparky my brother! Here we come."
Merton: "Glad to see you're sticking up for your canine homie..."
Merton: "The Hell Hound Isle at the Pet Store?"
Tim: "I dunno."
Tim: "Trav? Trav?... Love ya."
Merton: "I am! Canister thingies are tricky!"
"Winston Churchhill once wrote that the price of greatness is responsibility."
"If I don't make it I've attached a list of acceptable actors to play me in my life story: Johnny Depp, Skeep Ulrich..."
Merton: "Well I did switch to a leave in conditioner, but - wait a minute! Look at me I'm enormous! What was in that batter?"
Charlotte: "Would you like some more?"
Merton: "Are you kidding? My thighs are cheaving enough to start a fire!"
Merton: "I say... my diet starts Monday!"
Merton: "Get used to it Tommy. I'm chunky, and funky! It's the new Merton!"
Tommy: "What'd you do, eat the old Merton?"
Charlotte: "Oh yes, refresh my memory are these friends in the Gothic Fantasy Guild?"
Merton: "That's one bountiful source. I'm also rather chummy with a Homecoming King hopeful... who's busy this evening."
Merton: "No."
Tommy: "Sort of?"
Merton: "Ah, who am I kidding? I'm a fat man in a dress - and you just saved my life! Of course I forgive you buddy!"
Merton: "Bat."
Mr. Geiger: "And now?"
Merton: "Bat."
Mr. Geiger: "And now?"
Merton: "Bat, bat... A lost little boy, failing to please his demanding father-"
Mr. Geiger: "Oh wait, this one's upside down."
Merton: "Bat."
Rob: “Yeah, in the flesh… well, most of it anyway.”
(Tommy and Merton mouth): “Lolo?”
Merton: “Nobody tried to jump the gorge since that nut-job tried to... Nevermind.”
(after it doesn’t work): Dorum kalab may dorum malak! Dorum kalab may dorum malak!”
Rob: “All this talking is making me hungry.”
Tommy: “What’s wrong? I thought you said this would work!”
Merton: “Gee Tommy, maybe my Aramaic is kind of rusty. How’s yours?”
(*A zombie awakes*)
Tommy: “Stop reading that spell!”
Merton: “Backwards! Of course! That’s it! The spell is in ancient Aramaic, and unlike English it’s read from right to left! Oh Mr. Zombies!”
Rob: "And I still got a cute butt. Haaa..."
Merton: “Kalam murod yam balak murod!”
Lori: “None other than you, wolf-boy.”
(misses) "173 out of 356!” (throws and makes it) “Yes!”
(Tommy’s voiceover): “Of course I had another 173 to go, but you gotta start somewhere.”
Tori: "When I spell my name, the 'o' is a smiley face and the 'i' is dotted with a heart."
Merton: "Totally!"
Tori: "No, but I like ponies."
Tommy: "Yeah, me too."
Tommy: "Well, it turns out I did have one. But with a helpful tip from a friend I got over it."
Merton: "Was it that flossing trick I showed you?"
Tommy: "Um, no."
Tommy: "That guy stole Merton's underwear!"
Lori: "Let's just say, you were an animal."
Merton: "Yeah?"
Merton: "But there's no helmet."
Tommy: "Get on!"
Nerd: "Ahem... ahem?"
Merton: "I dabble."
Male Nurse St. Jaques: "Sorcery?"
Merton: "A touch."
Male Nurse St. Jaques: "The Dark Arts?"
Merton: "Ya like to beat around the bush, don't ya?"
Merton: "Oh, it'll work... espeically if you've got voo doo on your side!"
Male Nurse St. Jaques: "Heiti. Hei-ti."
Tommy: "Man, I'm always getting those two mixed up."
Male Nurse St. Jaques: "Awww, how touching. But you will hurt Tommy."
"This is getting unpleasent!"
Merton: "Squeaky shoes!"
Merton: "Ok that's a lie! A myth probigated by after-school specials designed to give false hope to a generation of social misfits like me."
Lori: "Heheh... No."
Lori: "Merton, these are FruitStone Vitamins."
Merton: "Well I'm obviously deficiant in every other way. And for 4.95 I don't have to be short in the niocin department."
Merton: "Like who?"
Lori: "Well, I think you're cute."
Merton: "Really?"
Lori: "Yeah... when you're not being a dork."
Merton: "Am I being a dork now?"
Lori: "Yes... but maybe you're kinda cute when you're a dork, too."
Tommy: "I told her that I wasn't quite over Lori."
Merton: "Do you know how stupid that was?!"
Tommy: *growls*
Merton: "...Of course, that's what I would say if I wasn't such a jerk myself."
Merton: "Trapezoid, actually."
Melissa: "Whatever."
Tommy: "Merton, shut up, ok? Words aren't gonna help you know. I'll forgive you when I'm good and ready."
Tommy: "I'll go get some club soda."
Merton: "Ya know, I can put it right in the washer."
"Wait a minute, you can't take me! I'm good too! I've been his best friend and confidant for the better part of 2 seasons."
Merton: "What?"
Death: "Why not town, it goes better with the second part: 'Now it's all turned upside down.'"
