Chapter 45

So I wake up every morning forgetting that I’m a mother now and my innocence is gone. Then I look over at Taylor, who is either sleeping soundly or up with our daughter. He’s playing with her, feeding her or just being there with her. Sometimes I pretend I’m still sleeping and just watch them. It’s so natural and normal the way they interact. After one month, I still didn’t feel completely connected to my daughter.

Maybe I was afraid. Maybe she intimidated me. Maybe I didn’t want to be a mother. Maybe I wanted my old life back. Maybe I resented her.

So I wake up this morning and look slowly look over, expecting to see Taylor. He isn’t there. I look at the clock and I see it’s 7:24am. Where could he be? I get up and look over to Jodie’s crib. She’s still sleeping soundly. Then I look over at my desk. There is a note lying next to my computer. Immediately I know it’s from him. Maybe he ran out to get diapers or something. I walk over and pick up the note.

Dear Page,

I love you and Jodie more than you realize. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I hope you understand that I’m not doing this for me at all. Although it hurts me to see you reject our daughter, who is a piece of us, that isn’t the reason I’m doing this. You are hurting yourself and Jodie. You’re missing out on the most amazing thing a person can experience. With me around, you can hide behind your responsibilities. I had the opportunity to leave and I took it. I know I said for the first few months I’d give up music and fame, but aside from the fact that I miss it, I can’t ignore what’s going on. I will miss you guys.

Love,

Taylor

I never thought he’d do it, but he left us. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

* * * *

“Mom, she won’t do anything. She’s just sitting there. Jodie has been crying for over twenty minutes straight,” Christina complained as she walked around the room, trying to comfort her niece.

“Oh, my God. Where’s Taylor?”

“I don’t know . . .Page said he left,” Christina answered her mother.

Mrs. Monroe turned her attention to Page. “Page, where is Taylor?”

“He left us, Mom. He fucking left us,” Page cried. “He’s gone.”

“What? No he didn’t,” she replied. Taylor wasn’t like that and she knew it.

“Yeah, he did. He’s a fucking punk. He punked out on me and his daughter.”

“Why don’t you feed Jodie while I figure out where he is. I’ll call his parents.”

Page just continued crying and being miserable. She acted like she didn’t hear her mother’s recommendation.

Christina reinforced what her mother advised. “Hey Page, did you hear Mom? Why don’t you feed Jo?”

“It’s all because of Jodie that he left me. She’s the root of everything wrong in my life.”

“Oh yeah, you and Taylor didn’t have sex at all. You two didn’t create her, she created herself,” Mrs. Monroe snapped sarcastically. “You know what? Stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself. I don’t blame Taylor for leaving. This is your life, Page. You created it. Accept it and move on.”

Page stopped crying. She knew her Mom was speaking the truth.

“Chrissy, put Jodie down and leave. We’re leaving Page alone with her baby,” Mrs. Monroe continued. “Page, you have this beautiful baby girl over there. Just love her.”

Page’s mother leaned over and hugged her daughter and left the room, closing the door behind her.

“Mom’s are always right,” Page spoke out loud. “I’m a Mom now. I have to learn to be right.”

Page got up slowly and walked over to where her child lay crying and picked her up.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I haven’t been a very good mother to you. The truth is, I was scared. I wasn’t ready. I was in denial, but despite all of it, I always loved you.”

Jodie stopped crying and looked up at her Mom. Page kissed her delicately on her tiny lips and made her way over to her rocking chair and began to feed her.

* * * *

“Taylor, look at you. You don’t know what to do with yourself,” Zac observed. They were at a restaurant in LA meeting with their manager and a record label exec discussing their upcoming album plans. Right then, it was only Zac, Taylor and Ike. As usual, everyone else was running late.

“Huh?” Taylor was fidgeting with everything on the table and repeatedly checking his cell phone.

“I’m sure they’re fine,” Ike soothed.

“Yeah,” Taylor said shortly. “I had to leave. It was the right thing to do.”

“You’re not convincing anyone but yourself,” Zac replied.

“I know, but why hasn’t she called me? It’s around ten o’clock there. Jodie would be ready another feeding and then I’d sing her to sleep . . .” Taylor got choked up.

“Do you wanna go back?”

“Yes, of course. But, I don’t know if I should. I needed a break, but now that I have one, I can’t stand it. I need to be back with my girls.”

“Well, go back then,” Zac suggested.

“Yeah, I’m going to call Page to see how she’s doing first. I’ll be right back,” Taylor said excusing himself from the table. He walked outside and called Page.

“Hello,” Page answered.

“Page, it’s me,” he said quickly.

“I know. What’s up?”

Taylor was taken back. Not only did she sound fine, but also she sounded like she didn’t care about talking to him.

“How are you? How’s the baby?”

“We’re fine. I jut finished feeding her and now she’s sleeping.”

“Yeah? So, you seem to be okay.”

“I’m great. Jodie and I had a really nice day. We went for a walk with Noelle. We came back and I went swimming while Jodie had her afternoon nap by the pool. She actually likes the sun. She really likes being outside. And then tonight, I went to dinner with Cheyanne and a friend from high school. I wanted to bring Jodie, but my Mom offered to watch her for me.”

“You’re serious? You actually left the house . . .and with Jodie? What changed?”

“I’m someone’s mother. I can’t be so selfish. Thanks for leaving us,” she said sincerely.

Taylor wasn’t sure how he should react. He was unbelievably happy that she wasn’t depressed any longer, but part of him wanted her to still feel like she needed him. She didn’t even seem to miss him. And that is what really scared him.

* * * *

“Have told Taylor that you don’t want to move to Tulsa with him?” Cheyanne asked as they waited in the waiting room of the pediatrician’s office.

“Well, no. Not exactly, anyway,” Page admitted while pushing Jodie’s hand away from her face. “No, Jodie. Don’t scratch Mommy’s face.” Jodie squealed and waved her hands in the air. At five months, she was progressing along way to quick for Page. She was already sitting up on her own.

“She looks a lot like Taylor, but her best features are from you,” Cheyanne awed. Jodie was a beautiful baby and Cheyanne wasn’t just saying that because it was her Goddaughter. She has beautiful auburn colored hair, the same color as Page, which looked perfect with Taylor’s crystal-blue eyes that she had. She had the cutest little nose and Page’s pouty lips. Cheyanne played with her hand and playfully said, “Jo, you’re going to be a heartbreaker when you get older.”

“Oh, God, no,” Page exclaimed. She fixed the barrette in her daughter’s hair and looked over at Cheyanne. “Do you like this outfit she has on? Taylor’s Mom gave it to her. Whenever we go visit them, they bombard us with stuff. I mean, like she doesn’t have enough clothes and toys. Like, that’s why I can’t move out there. They’d try to take over. They are this, like, cult. Sure, that’s Jodie’s family, but they are so overbearing. I can’t handle it.”

“Have you told Taylor how you feel?”

“I don’t know. He talks about us getting married and moving out there, but I don’t want to.”

“What? Get married or move out there?”

Page thought about it. “I love him so much, but . . .I don’t know. I’m nervous. It’s the same anyway. He’s got shit to do all the time. He’s only been to one check-up with me. He’s always gone. It will always be like that.”

“Why don’t you travel with him?”

“I can’t bring a baby with us everywhere. We’re distracting. I have my life here and so does Jodie. I want to go to school, too. I can’t follow Taylor around everywhere.”

The nurse appeared at the doorway, “Jodie Hanson?”

“We’re coming,” Page said sweetly. She got up and headed into the back, thinking about everything her and Cheyanne had just discussed.