46

The last place on earth I wanted to spend Christmas was in Oklahoma with Taylor’s huge family. This was the first Christmas my family would be celebrating without my Dad and I wanted and felt like I needed to be with them. My Mom decided that they should all go up to Massachusetts to spend it with her parents. Taylor insisted that I come out to Oklahoma because “all” of his family would be there and a lot of them had never seen Jodie. I sort of felt sorry for her being a Hanson. She’d never be able to escape his huge, overwhelming family.

I walked out of the terminal and glanced around in search of Taylor. Our eyes met and I smiled. He was dressed in a black turtleneck and a black wool coat. He looked so “Metro” and out of place here in the Bible belt.

“Hi, baby girl,” he cooed over Jo, who I was lugging along in her carrier. He took her out and kissed her while she smiled and squealed. “Wow, she’s getting so big. It’s only been two weeks since I last saw her and she seems twice as big as I remember.”

“I know, well she’s almost eight months. She’s nearly an adult,” I joked. She was such a happy, bright little girl. I was so thankful that she was a good baby. She was my everything. My whole world revolved around her.

“Yeah,” he said. He leaned in and gave me a kiss. “You look beautiful.”

“Thanks,” I laughed. I had no make-up on, and unlike Taylor, I hadn’t been to the salon in months. My hair was in a messy bun, it had grown long and wavy and I never had time to actually do anything with it. I had on jeans, a sweatshirt and my coat was thrown on top of Jo’s diaper bag that I was carrying.

“Let’s go get your luggage,” he said.

We walked through the tiny airport, Taylor carrying Jodie in her carrier. People stared, but we pretended not to notice. We hadn’t paid attention to the public’s speculations about us and our baby. We were sure the fans knew, but we didn’t comment on it. His record label and everyone around him just advised them not to make any comments about it. As for everyday life when we were out in public together, it was hard to decide if they were looking because they recognized Taylor or because we were so young. It didn’t really matter either way.

We got my luggage and loaded up his car. I sat in the back with Jo who was strapped into her car seat while Taylor drove to his house far out in the country.

The next day, I escaped to Taylor’s room to chat with Cheyanne on the phone. She was home from college for winter break. I was so bummed that I couldn’t be home hanging out with her.

“I feel like I haven’t held my daughter all day,” I said into my cell phone.

“Dude, what are you doing then?”

“I’m just blending in, I guess. A couple of his relatives actually called me ‘Jessica’. They are so senile! They think I’m Taylor’s thirteen year old sister!”

We both laughed.

“That’s wrong on so many levels. Do they, like, think Jo is another Hanson kid?”

“Well, she is technically, but yeah. They think she’s Hanson baby number eight? Number nine? Fuck, I forget how many of them there are. There are so many!”

“Holy shit, Page! Are you sure no one is around? What if someone heard you talking about them like this?”

“I’m in Taylor’s room. Everyone else is occupied some way or other.”

“Okay, just making sure. So how are things between you and Taylor?”

“They’re good. God, he’s such a good dad. I’m always so amazed whenever they’re together.”

“That’s good-” Cheyanne said and then she paused. You know, that kind of pause that is usually followed by a ‘but,’ but there wasn’t one.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she said quickly. “It’s just, and don’t get defensive, but every time I ask how things are going with Taylor, you mention Jo.”

“Well, he’s her dad.”

“What about you and Taylor?”

“I guess she is me and Taylor?” There was silence. “Chey, I don’t think we should be having this conversation right now. I’ll talk to you when I get home next week.”

“Okay, bye babe. Give my niece a kiss for me.”

“I will. Bye, hun,” I said.

I thought about what Cheyanne had said. For the most part, Taylor and I were concentrated on our daughter. Our relationship, for better or worse, had kind of disappeared. We were sort of in the background. Except for last night. Last night was nice.

“I love Christmas. You this is our first Christmas together,” I said softly, resting on Taylor’s chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“You’re right. Merry Christmas,” he said.

I looked up at him, his face lit up only by the beautiful illuminated Christmas tree. He kissed me and I smiled. It was two o’clock in the morning and the Hanson house was quiet which was a very rare occasion. It seemed like the whole world was quiet.

“Merry Christmas to you, too.” I replied. “Santa should be here any second.”

“You know, I don’t think I ever really believed in Santa.”

“What? Of course you did!”

“No, I might have. But, when I really thought about the concept, I didn’t. It was so abstract and ridiculous,” he explained. He looked down at me. “But this, moments like this, I always believed in.”

I smiled. “Love,” I whispered hoarsely.

“Yeah,” he said. That was what this was. Love. I forgot how it felt.

That night Taylor softly serenaded me on their grand piano. He had never done that before. We stayed up all night just taking each other in. Taking it all in. Love.

Cheyanne didn’t know about those moments. I couldn’t explain them to her or anyone else. Those moments made this all worthwhile.

Later on that Christmas Day, I was in the kitchen with Jo. I managed to steal her awayfor a bit to feed her. Right as I finished and put Jo in my lap, Mrs. Hanson came into the kitchen.

“Page, hun, we’d love to have Jode stay with us for awhile. Whenever you need a break, just let us know,” Mrs. Hanson smiled, handing me a bottle of milk to give to ‘Jode.’ I really hated that nickname. In fact, I told Taylor specifically to ask his family to stop calling her that.

“Thanks, Diana.”

“So, how is everything going? Are you still looking at college for next year?”

“No, not really. I mean, I still want to go. I just haven’t had time to really look.”

“Maybe leaving Jode with us for awhile would help. We don’t see her nearly enough.”

I would not leave her there even if I could. I didn’t know what I’d do with myself without her. My days, my life, everything was dedicated to her. I didn’t have anything else. I wasn’t going to college, I didn’t have a job, and all of my friends were gone. Without Jo, I’d be lost.

“Thanks, maybe . . .” I said politely. Jo was leaning against me, with her head tilted back, drinking her bottle hungrily. She was dozing off. I kissed her head and ran my hand softly over it.

“I know you’re not ready to move out here, but maybe you should start thinking about it. Wouldn’t it be nice?”

“No,” I wanted to say. In fact, Taylor and I really wanted to move to the city. Before we had Jo we talked about it and now we talked about it even more. We were waiting for the guys to finish the album they had been working on for what seemed like forever.

“Right now, Jo and I are happy in New York,” I said.

“Okay. You know, I really hate that nickname you and Tay have taken to calling her.”

I wanted to get up to leave that second. I just sat there like an idiot while Mrs. Hanson reached over and took Jo off of my lap singing, “Come to Grandma, sweetie.” Jo spat out her bottle and dropped it to the floor and started to cry.

Taylor and I had never really been alone. Sure, we’d been alone together long enough to conceive Jo, but I mean like really alone. Like for more than a few days with no distractions. So later that night when Taylor told me his Christmas present for me was a trip to Hawaii, I was scared. I didn’t want to leave my daughter with his family for a whole week. I hadn’t been separated from her for more than a few hours in her whole life.

“I miss her,” I said to Taylor once we were settled in our beautiful hotel.

“You’ve said that at least seven times since we boarded the plane this morning, Page. Do you realize that?”

“Don’t you miss her?”

“Of course I do,” he smiled.

“We should call them to make sure everything is okay.”

“Okay, I’ll call them.”

I watched him call his parents. There was no answer. He tried their cell phones and again no answer.

“Where could they be? What if something happened to her?”

“I’m sure everything is fine, Page. Just relax . . .”

“No, I want to make sure my baby is okay.”

“As do I, but I’m sure there is nothing to worry about.”

I felt the tears swell up in my eyes.

“Try them again.”

“Page, what is wrong with you?”

“Nothing! I just miss Jodie.”

“Is that it really?”

I looked at him. His crystal blue eyes were searching my eyes for some explanation. I hadn’t told him about what had happened between his mother and me the night before. The way she was controlling with Jo and all. I wasn’t sure how to approach that whole situation without offending him.

“Yeah . . .”

“I don’t believe you, Page. I just don’t believe you. I think this is about us.”

He totally caught me off-guard with that remark.

“How so, Taylor?” I asked.

“I think you use Jo has an excuse. You don’t want to be here with me, do you?”

I was speechless.

“I’m serious. Do you want to be here with me?”

“Yes,” I replied.

Taylor seemed nervous. He started fidgeting with his cell phone. I walked into the bedroom of the suite and lay down on the bed, leaving Taylor in the living room. I cried silently in the room, just thinking about everything. About five minutes later, Taylor emerged.

“I’m sorry, Page. I’m so sorry.” He got on the bed and held me.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry, too,” I sniffed.

Taylor reached into his pocket and instinctively I knew what he was about to do.

“Page, from the moment I saw you, I knew I loved you. We have been through so much together and there was never a time when I didn’t completely and totally love you. You complete me in a way I never could have imagined I needed to be completed. I know I haven’t always been there for you and Jo, but I want all of that to change. I want to make sure we’ll always be together,” he held up the ring. His hand was shaking and he was crying. “You are so beautiful. You gave me the most beautiful gift. I need you, Page. Will you marry me?”

Taylor’s cell phone started to ring. He didn’t move. I looked around nervously.

“You should get that. It’s probably your parents,” I said in a small, scared voice.

Taylor got off of the bed, went into the other room and answered the phone.

I didn’t know what to say. I loved him. I loved him so much, but I couldn’t see myself moving out to Tulsa and being his wife. I couldn’t see myself following him around all of the time. I couldn’t imagine raising my daughter in a tour bus. Not right now. I just couldn’t see a future with him at this point. If things were different, then maybe I could see it happening. If he weren’t living with his parents in Tulsa and if he wasn’t in a rock band with his brothers, then maybe. If I knew we would be number one in his life, maybe I could deal with it. I just knew none of that would happen right now or maybe even ever with him.

“Page, Jodie’s on the phone.” Taylor said handing the phone to me.

“Hey, baby girl!” She cooed into the phone. “Mommy misses you. We’ll see you soon. I love you!” I smiled and then gave the phone back to Taylor, who talked to his mom a little bit more and then hung up.

He scratched his head. “So . . .”

“Taylor, I love you . . .”

“Then say yes.” He was almost begging. He seemed so desperate.

“I would love to marry you, baby. Believe me.”

“Then marry me. What is so difficult about saying ‘yes’?”

“Fuck, why’d you have to ask me now?”

“Why the fuck not? What else is there to wait for? We already have a kid together. Do you know how much it hurts that I can’t be there with you guys? All of this long distance shit is killing me! This is no way to raise our child.”

“I know it’s hard. I hate it, too.”
“We talked about getting married before you got pregnant. Do you remember that? Even if we never had Jo, I’d still want to marry you.”

“Taylor, everything wasn’t so lovely before I found out I was pregnant. Do you remember that we broke up? I wanted to be free before. Everything wasn’t always blissful between us. My life changed for better and for worse because of us. If I marry you right now, I won’t be happy. I can promise you that. I love you, but love can’t heal everything.”

Taylor sat down in a chair and just started crying.

“Why can’t it? Why does anything else have to matter? ” He acted as if it was so cut and dry, but it wasn’t. It was so hard. Everything was so hard. We were here in beautiful Hawaii and it was a gorgeous afternoon and here we were in our suite crying. We should have been out on the beach.

“My whole family knows I was planning on proposing to you. I was going to wait until the last night we were here, but I couldn’t wait. I thought this would cheer you up. I thought we could spend this week just as a kind of engagement honeymoon or something. I thought this was the right thing to do. We were in love and why not? I didn’t know you felt this way, Page. How can I change? How can I make you say yes?”

“I’m not sure, Taylor. I don’t think you can give me what I want and be happy. And if you’re not happy, I won’t be either. And we can’t live like that.”

“I’d do anything for you. Why can’t you do anything for me?” He asked.

“So you want me to be unhappy for you?”

“No . . .I don’t know. Everything is going wrong. My career is uncertain right now. You and Jo were all I had to look forward to in my life. And now . . .”

“You’ll always have Jo.”

“What about you?”

“You’ll have me, too.”

“So, what now?”

“I don’t know.”

“We can’t keep on going how we are right now. Neither of us is happy,” Taylor sighed.

“I wish it could be simple. What happened to the days when our biggest obstacle was sneaking out to see each other?”

“Well, we started having sex. We ran away. We were forbidden to see one another. You moved out of your house. We snuck around. You broke up with me. I got you pregnant somewhere between all of this. We got back together and then we had Jodie. And here we are. It’s not that complicated.”

We both chuckled.

“Well, thanks,” I said.

“For?” He raised an eyebrow.

“For everything. For simplifying and complicating everything all at once.”

“You’re welcome,” he smiled.