Rick Rockwell's Comedy

This page contains jokes written by and/or for Rick Rockwell. Some are for his act, some are off-the-cuff bon mots.

RICK ROCKWELL'S JOKES ABOUT DARVA IN PLAYBOY, AND MEDIA MANIA

• "The offer started at a rumored one million dollars, then three million dollars, and now it's just over $100,000 —she'd better hurry or pretty soon it's going to be a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni."

• "If I'd known she was so intent upon posing naked in front of a camera, I would have brought a Polaroid on the honeymoon. But I guess being told "no" because you have no camera is better than being rejected because your 'lens isn't big enough!'"

• "That Darva drives me crazy; the first week it was: 'I'm a good Christian girl, I shouldn't have done this.' The next week, it's 'you know...I have nothing against nudity, per s?. my father was an artist'... What has that got to do with anything? My dad was a plumber; he liked naked chicks, too!!"

• "Why did I marry anyone by the name of "Darva Conger"? It sounds like an orthopedic problem. You rearrange the letters, and you have "Carva Donger" Yeah; Lorena Bobbitt II !!"

• "I gave that woman 36 of the best hours of my life. We split everything right down the middle...I got 7? minutes, and she got 7? minutes."

• "Have I seen my wife? Sure, I see her every day. She's usually on Good Morning America around eight, Peter Jennings at six, and Extra around 7:45."

• "And they say I'M a publicity hound!!"

• "Most guys getting chewed out turn on the TV to get away from their wives...I have to turn mine off!:
  'I just want to get back to my normal life.' Yeah, I'm sure Matt Lauer, and Larry King will help you with that. Yeah, they're your guys!"

• "Does anyone know who said this?: [ in a semi-falsetto ] 'I'll be your friend; your lover; and you'll never be bored.' Well, one out of three ain't bad!!"

• "Now she won't even give me her phone number."

• "36 hours after the wedding, she tells me she's out. Apparently we speak different languages. I heard the judge say 'Till death do us part'..apparently that's "a day and a half" in Swahili!!"

• "You know, on the cruise, they kept her in the kitchen to keep the meat cold! Fifty choices, and I pick an ice cube!" [ The audiences oohs at that. But Rick defended his right to joke so: ] "Well, I'm not being mean... Did you hear her talking to Diane Sawyer?: [ Sawyer asks ]: 'What did you think when he first came out?' [ Darva]: 'Eeeyew!! Is that the best they could do???' and 'This is not a person I would normally even be friends with.' That's cold!"

• "I gave her a $35,000 ring, and she gave me the finger."

• "Ever since we returned from our honeymoon and Darva gave her first interview, proclaiming how she wanted to get her dignity back and what a great Christian she was, I've been praying for her, also.
  That's right, I hoped she would make the right choice and pose naked for a magazine."

• "Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man should see his wife naked at least once."

• "Let's face it, outside of the New England Journal of Medicine, who knows more about nurses and the nude female body than Hugh Hefner and Playboy?"

• "Darva and Playboy contend that they are going to do a "tasteful nude" pictorial.
  "Tasteful nude???" Now there's an oxymoron for someone playing the poor, innocent victim card! To me that sounds like "custom-built mobile home" or "Tax Simplification."

• "Playboy is the classiest. With other magazines you have to send in pictures of your wife yourself."

• "That photographer must've had the patience of a saint. I spent three days with her and I couldn't even get her to take off her jacket!"

• "I think that this will help me to understand Darva better. Especially: her ambitions, her turn-ons, turn-offs--- what she's looking for in her ideal husband."

• "Don't know if I'll be mentioned by name, unless they ask her about what her turn-offs are."

• "It may become the first Playboy ever where guys actually read the articles."

• "It'll give me something to read while I'm sitting on the toilet…you know, the one in my backyard."

• "They took pictures of the toilet in my backyard, like I'm a "Beverly Hillbilly", who shits in my backyard!
  I'd installed a low-flow toilet, and I'd left the old toilet in the backyard, to recycle it instead of taking it to the landfill...but I got delayed, 'cause I had to get married on TV...I thought I'd get my wife to take it to the recycle dump ( Ha! Ha! Yeah, fat chance! ). So what I'm going to do is take a dump in it, and deliver it to CBS:
  'Here; YOU made it famous!'
  Somebody wants me to auction it on E-Bay. Yeah, right; I oughta start buying up a bunch of old toilets to sell!! [ snickers ] How do you think I got to be a 'Multi-Millionaire'?"

  [ A Joke That Rick Did Not Tell, But That He Appreciated: ]
  Jay Thomas, on Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? , just after the ten semi-finalists' parade in swimsuits in the "Beachwear Competition":
  "Now, fair is fair; and the Millionaire wouldn't have the women do anything that he of course, would not do, himself; in fact, when I looked behind the glass, [ I saw that ] he was sitting there, wearing a wet-T-shirt and Speedo!" [ audience laughter ]
  [ in the "bachelor pod," tuxedo-clad Rick's shoulders are shaking with laughter, and he gives Jay's joke "thumbs-up." ]

  [ A joke told by Johnny Carson, as Karnak the Magnificent:]
  Retorting to the audience, who'd greeted one joke with groans:
  "May your son be the goalie on an all-nudist hockey team!"
  [ Rick, a collegiate hockey player--who still plays today,-- and who'd also played tennis nude, would enjoy that joke! ]

CHECK OUT COMEDY CLUB SCHEDULES, FOR RICK'S APPEARANCES!Comedyclub.com
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