THIS ELECTION HAS 22 MINUTES
JEAN CHRETIEN'S LIBERALS MAKE AN ANGRY YOUNG MAN EVEN ANGRIER
BY RICK MERCER
Never mess with Canadians when they're getting over a bad case of cabin fever. Spring is what Canadians pray for first and foremost. Spring is more important than any race, anywhere, anytime, be it for the title of fastest man in the world or Prime Minister of Canada. If Christ himself decided he was going to make an appearance in Canada at the beginning of June, he'd have a tough time selling it. Any pre-Resurrection hype would be ignored in favor of cleaning the barbecue--just as the fastest-man-in-the-world event became a priority somewhere below visiting Canadian Tire and pricing weed killer.
Despite this, it was during the spring that Jean Chretien decided in his wisdom to thrust an early general election onto a pasty, sun-deprived, stir-crazy Canadian public.
And why? Well, he was asked that very question the day he dropped the writ; he didn't seem to have an answer. This was a technique he used often during the election. He did mumble something about achieving everything he set out to do, the time to move was now, yadda yadda yadda. He refused to dignify reports that he wanted an early election so he could devote the summer months to his real passion, golf.
How mad were Canadians?
Mad enough to put two heavyweight Cabinet ministers on the unemployment line.
Mad enough to elect a socialist feminist playwright in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia.
Mad enough to forgive the Tories.
Mad enough to re-elect John Nunziata.
Mad enough to embrace the platform of the Reform Party.
That's mad. It's a wonder we didn't elect a few bouncing yogis just for good measure.
Canadians have given the Prime Minister a pretty mean smack in the side of the head. His ears will be ringing long through the golf season. His game is bound to suffer. But this election wasn't all about bad timing. The Liberal think tank seemed to adopt a very bold strategy, one designed to prove that it was the Party out of Touch with the People.
An earthquake might have got their attention, but a flood sure didn't. Manitoba was underwater, and homeowners were getting calls asking if they'd put a campaign sign on their lawn. Chretien flew in, heaved a single sandbag, shook a few hands and then went on his merry way. Vulgar was one of the media's kinder words to describe the heroic bag throwing.
Unlike natural disasters, p.r. disasters demand immediate attention. Cabinet minister Lloyd Axworthy came to the rescue with 25 million Canadian tax dollars. He actually pulled a check out of his pocket, his stubby little fingers holding on just long enough for the media to get the requisite close-ups, and handed it to the premier of Manitoba. Canadians are losing their homes, weeping mothers are holding tots above water, and the minister is passing out checks like a deranged Ed McMahon.
Canadians didn't buy it for a second. We are not as stupid as we look.
And then National Unity raised its ugly head. Preston Manning set the agenda, with tough talk in one official language. Manning broke the big taboo, wondering out loud if a leader from Quebec can represent the people of English Canada. Them's fighting words, the kind of talk that terrifies many Canadians. Manning was playing the bully in the school yard. Did the Prime Minister stand up to the bully? Nope, he was busy hiding in the sandbox.
Canadians wanted to talk about jobs first and foremost. But Chretien just kept telling us that everything was O.K., tough decisions had been made, all was well, vive le Canada. The conviction with which he spoke those words was the most troubling thing. He believed it.
When the day came, many voted with hostile indifference. Canadians had the lowest percentage turnout in 72 years. If None of the Above were an organized party, it could be in opposition.
And where does that leave Canada as we head into the new millennium? Our Parliament is a mess even by Italian standards. The level of animosity among some of the leaders is at a record high. If they were all forced to sit down in a restaurant and discuss the country's future, talks would crumble the minute the menu arrived.
Jean Chretien might well ask himself if he is really the Prime Minister of Canada or the quasi-leader of five different regions. He would answer, of course, that all is well, that he is the Prime Minister of a strong and united Canada.
Spring is sprung. We used to have one bloc. Now we have five.
Vive le Canada!
Rick Mercer is a Gemini Award-winning writer and an actor on CBC-TV's This Hour Has 22 Minutes.