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this was written by yours truly! enjoy.
The alarm clock went off, catapulting me out of dreamland with the voice of J.J., the local radio personality. I groaned, and rolled over in bed to turn off the alarm, my duck-print pajamas gathering at my knees. Stretching, I felt the warm sun on my face. I looked around at my new apartment, full of unpacked boxes. I'd been there 2 months.
I grabbed my diary off the nightstand and focused on the dream I'd just had. I wrote furiously. "Jimmy Fallon, beach, sunset, kiss, sun changes, headlights?" I closed my eyes and pictured the beach, even as it faded from my head. It had been so beautiful. Jimmy had been so beautiful. What could it have meant?
I only let myself wonder for a second. I had a busy day ahead of me. I had a new job as an intern at MTV. I'd worked so hard to get this job. I couldn't be late. I jumped out of bed and got ready. Before I ran out the door I glanced at the clock. 7:58. Right on time.
I made my way down to the parking lot, making sure to say, "Good morning," to my neighbors on the way. I went to my space and got in my Honda, the engine coming to life with a satisfying sputter. For a second I remembered when she'd been able to roar, when she was new.
I popped a tape into the tape deck, and sang along with Christina as I drove the 10 miles to the MTV building. Then I drove into the parking lot next to it. I tried not to be bitter at the fact that I was not provided with a space in the employee lot.
I punched in and went to my cubicle. I found a load of papers on my desk, with a note that said "Deliver to each employee." There were about 150 papers. I sighed.
"Morning Estella," I heard a cheerful voice say. I turned around and smiled at Julie, my friend and fellow intern.
"Hey Jules. Nice huh?" I said, motioning to the pile.
"Hey you got off easy! I've got 3 piles to deliver! Maybe I should flirt with the boss too," she said dryly, raising an eyebrow.
I rolled my eyes. "I don't flirt with Peter, he flirts with me! He's such a creep. I can't believe how he hits on me. He's engaged for Christ's sake."
"Yeah, I heard she's a stripper!" she said gleefully.
"Julie," I scolded.
She shrugged, then her eyes lit up. "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Guess who was just booked for a guest spot on TRL tomorrow."
My stomach churned and my heart beat faster. There was only one person who Julie could possibly mean. "Jimmy," I whispered, wide-eyed.
"You got it! What are you gonna do?!"
"I don't know... Faint... Freeze... Make a fool of myself?" I chewed on my lip, and thought for a second. Finally I said, "I should just avoid him."
She gave an exasperated sigh. "Stell, babe, this is your chance! How long have you been waiting for this?" She
looked at my skeptical face and rolled her eyes. "Alright, I've got an idea. How about I invite him to the party tomorrow? Then you can walk up to him with me, we'll do the meet and greet, and then I'll leave. Perfect." Julie seemed pleased with herself.
I felt like I was going to be sick, but by the gleam in her eye, I knew there was no way I could convince her not to go through with her plan. "Ok," I said weakly. I looked at her, gave a small smile to keep her off my back, and said, "Better get to work."
I grabbed the pile of papers and walked around to every desk, placing a sheet neatly on each. I had about 15 more desks to go when I ran out of papers. I took the last one and headed for the photocopier. I hadn't had much practice using it, so I wasn't quite sure what to do. I just stood there, glaring at it.
Just then a husky voice said behind me, "Having some trouble?" Before I could react, Peter had his arms around me and his chin on my shoulder. He cooly took the paper from my hands, placed it on the glass, and punched in the code. He turned his head so that his face was a millimeter from mine. "All better," he whispered. I avoided his eyes and swallowed uncomfortably. I wondered how he knew how many copies I needed and it occurred to me that he had planned it. As he walked away, he let his hands slide down my hips. I waited a few seconds until he was gone, took a deep breath, gathered the papers and continued with my job.
The rest of the day was uneventful. I managed to focus on my work, not my nausea. Or the fact that Jimmy Fallon, my dream man, my SNL god, would be in my presence the very next day.
Basically my job was just to deliver things, get info, relay messages, nothing too important. I loved the atmosphere though. There's this air of excitement around the building. All these kids, so happy just to be walking near it. I knew exactly how they felt. I've been a loyal fan of MTV for years and years. It really was a dream come true to work there.
That evening when I got home I sifted through a few boxes. I took out a few blankets, some pictures, a couple books, but quickly got bored. My thoughts wandered to Jimmy. Past fantasies lingered in my mind. Julie was right. I had been waiting for this opportunity for a long time. I might as well give it a shot.
I went to my closet. For the first time I realized how horrible my clothes were. I had absolutely nothing to wear. I started to panic. I needed to look amazing the next day. That was it, I had to go shopping.
Grabbing my coat, I headed down to Macy's. I looked around for a long time, trying to make up my mind. It was a tough decision. I finally grabbed a knee-length khaki skirt with leather laces up the sides, a white boatneck tank with pink embroidery flowers, a blue and green v-neck sweater and a pair of soft low riding jeans, and headed for the change room. I tried on the skirt and tank first. Acceptable for work. Not to flashy, but it might just get Jim's attention.
Then I tried on the jeans and sweater. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like a totally different person. Usually I wore low-key, loose clothes. This was... well, this was sexy. The low cut of the jeans accentuated my good abs, and really showed off my long, slender legs. The sweater's colors brought out my eyes.
I looked at my face, critiquing it. My eyes looked especially large then, with their deep green color, and my thick clump of mile-long lashes. My wavy black hair was up in a bun, with pieces hanging down here and there. My cheeks had just a hint of pink, a natural, sun-induced glow. My skin was totally clear, smooth and tanned. For the first time I understood why strangers had always thought I was a model. It felt surreal, like it wasn't my face I was looking at. I snapped myself out of it, and changed back into my clothes. I gathered the items and walked out of the dressing room without looking in the mirror again. I didn't want to see my normal self just yet.
I tentatively took the clothes to the register. They were definitely not my style. I could do with a change though... For Jimmy, I thought. I bought the clothes and went home. It was 9:43 when I got in the door. Lately I'd been unable to sleep, but that night I was out the second I hit the pillow, propelled immediately into Jimmyland.
I woke up 5 minutes before the alarm went off. I stretched luxuriously, letting a small, relaxed groan escape my throat. Then I remembered and snapped my mouth shut mid-groan. Jimmy! Today was the day. He was going to be in my office! I was going to see Jimmy Fallon in person! I felt butterflies unfold their wings and take flight in my gut. My palms started to sweat. Get a grip, I thought. Closing my eyes, I pictured myself talking to Jimmy. I brainstormed things to say - some jokes, some good conversation topics - and what not to say. Please, please God, don't let me make an idiot of myself! I wished silently.
I showered quickly and played with my hair for a few minutes. I decided to twist sections along my head and put it in a bun at the back. Then I slipped into the tank and skirt I'd bought the previous day. I winced when I realized that Peter would have a field day when he saw me. But I couldn't let him be my excuse, so I kept the outfit on. As an afterthought, I put on some bronzer, mascara, eyeshadow, and some pink-tinted lip gloss. Then I dug around in a few boxes and found my Sketchers sandals. I did a quick mirror check. I was ready. With a deep breath, I left my apartment, and headed towards my destiny.
When I got to the office, I suddenly felt a wave of modesty roll over me. What did I think I was doing, parading around in my work place like this? My eyes welled up with tears. This isn't me, I thought, I'm not being me. Stop it, I argued with myself. It's just for one day. You ARE being yourself, you're just experimenting with a new look. Swallowing hard, I walked in the door.
With my eyes on the floor, I walked quickly to my desk. I was sure everyone was staring at me. I could almost feel their eyes on me. I snuck a look up. Everyone was going about their business. Not a single person batted an eyelash at my new style. I let myself breathe, realizing I'd been holding it.
I was almost at my desk when I ran into Julie. When she saw me she did a double-take. "What happened to you?" she exclaimed.
I couldn't help but blush. "Y-you don't like it?" I stammered, biting my lip.
"Silly girl, I love it! No need to be nervous! You look GREAT, Stell!"
I concentrated on keeping my ears from turning red. "Thanks," I mumbled as I sat down.
"So listen. Your man's gonna be here at 2 to prep for the show. So that gives you 5 and a half hours to breathe, get
comfy in those snazzy new clothes, and avoid Peter."
I smiled at her. "At all costs!"
She looked at me with an air of approval. "Girl, he'll bust something when he sees you."
"If all goes according to plan, so will Jimmy," I added. We laughed and she went back to her desk and I went about my work. I went through the regular routine. Made small talk, delivered memos, drank coffee, relayed messages. It felt a bit odd. I couldn't figure out if it was because I was doing such normal things on an extraordinary day, or because something extraordinary was going to happen on such a normal day.
It felt like those 5 hours went on forever. At 12 Julie and I went out for lunch. We talked about how she would invite
Jimmy to the party and how she would introduce me to him. I told her about my outfit for the evening and we discussed how to do our hair. I started to feel comfortable, and wondered how long it would last.
When we got back to the office, I heard my name on the P.A. system. "Estella Rose, you are wanted in Peter Grisham's office." Julie and I exchanged a worried glance.
"Uh oh," she mouthed. I frowned in return, and headed to Peter's office.
As I approached, I saw that the door was closed. I wondered what he wanted to see me about, and what his reaction would be to my outfit. I knocked on the door. I could hear him talking on the phone. After a second he yelled,
"Come in." I turned the knob and stepped into the room, making sure to keep the door open.
Peter's eyes trailed up and down my body, and I had a creepy feeling that he was undressing me in his mind. "Close the door," he said after a minute, without looking me in the face. So much for that plan. I reluctantly did as he said. I cleared my throat. "You wanted to see me, sir?"
He chuckled. "Estella, why bother with the pleasantries? You know you can call me Peter." He had a playful look in his eyes. I didn't like it.
"What did you want to see me about, sir?" I asked again with a stern face. My confidence was waning, and I was determined to put the last of it to good use.
"Well now, look who's gotten a backbone all of a sudden. All dressed up in big sister's clothes, and an attitude to fit the part. I like it." He watched me silently. I couldn't meet his gaze any longer, and I looked at the floor. I could almost hear the smirk spreading across his face. After a moment, he said, "I wanted to talk to you about possibly hiring you for a real job. We need to set up a proper meeting to discuss it. How does Monday morning sound?"
I couldn't believe it. I looked up, startled. I could tell he was pleased that he'd surprised me. "Uh, yes, yes sir. That would be great. Monday... Monday's great for me."
"Good," he said softly, maintaining his cool gaze. As if it were an afterthought, he stood up, and strode across the room to where I was standing. He brought his face close to mine and whispered, "Maybe I'll see you at the party tonight."
I looked at him, and noticed he was trying to see down my shirt. I stepped back. I'd had enough, I wanted to get out of there. Still, I didn't want him to win. "Maybe you could introduce me to your fiance. I'm sure we would have a lot to discuss," I replied, giving him my best icy look. The smile faded from his face. I looked at him for one last second, gave him a small nod, and left his office.
As soon as I was out and had closed the door, my hand flew up to my mouth. Where had THAT come from? I couldn't believe I'd had the nerve to speak to him that way. I replayed the conversation in my head. Then a smile crept along my lips. He'd gotten what he deserved. I was actually quite proud of myself. I sat down at my desk, snickering.
Just then Julie dropped 3 gigantic piles of papers on my desk. I raised my eyebrows questioningly. She shrugged.
"From Peter," she said. "I don't know what you did girl, but he's mighty peeved." She gave me a sympathetic smile, and left.
I slumped back in my chair. So this was the price I had to pay for my powertrip. I looked at my watch. 1:32. I had to hustle if I wanted to see Jimmy when he arrived. I grabbed chunk after chunk and delivered them one by one. I felt my body temperature rise with anger. How dare Peter treat me like this?
After what seemed like an eternity, I was on my last pile. I was half done, and glad of it, when I heard Julie cry from across the room, "Estella, he's coming up!" My heart jumped to my throat and I spun around - only to trip over a chair leg and fall face first to the ground. I sat on the floor, gathering the papers that I'd dropped. In my frustration, I was only vaguely aware that someone was walking towards me.
"Here, let me help you with those," he said, crouching beside me. I looked up and inhaled sharply. I couldn't believe my eyes. He was even better looking in person. He was wearing loose dark green pants and a white t-shirt. His hair was a bit messy and he looked like he hadn't shaved for a few days. The way that the sun shone on him from behind gave him a golden aura, and right then I almost believed he was an angel.
Jimmy looked up at me, and I realized my mouth was gaping open. I snapped it shut, and he smiled at me. We both stood up, and he handed me his pile of papers. He gave me a strange look like he was amused, tucked his hands into his pockets, and began to walk away.
"Th-thank you," I called after him. Actually, it was more of a whisper. I didn't think he'd heard it, but as he was walking he looked over his shoulder and grinned at me. There was something about that moment. Something magical.
I was totally floored. I couldn't believe what had just happened. There were no thoughts swirling around my head. Only the image of Jimmy's smile, burned onto the back of my eyelids. I finished delivering the papers in a daze. When I was done I returned to my desk and sat there. People passed me, asked me if I was alright. All I could do was smile.
Eventually Julie came over to me. "Estella. Estella. Yoo hoo! Girl." She frowned. "This is serious." Grabbing my shoulders, she sighed, then shook me violently, yelling "STELLA!" That got me back.
"Oh. Julie. Hi. How are you?"
She looked at me with raised eyebrows. "What HAPPENED to you?"
I thought for a second, then shook my head. I was slowly coming out of the clouds. "Jimmy," I said. "H-he talked to me! He helped me pick up the papers." I put my hands on my face and smiled. "Oh wow. Oh Julie. He was so beautiful."
She laughed at me. "Well, the beautiful boy is about to start the live taping. Come on. We'll go watch through the glass door."
I followed her up the stairs, grasping onto the rail. My legs were incredibly wobbly. When we reached the top I looked through the window, craning my neck to get a glimpse. There he was, chatting with Carson. I could only see the back of his head though. I saw them cue Carson, do the countdown, and saw him introduce Jimmy. I wished I could hear what he was saying. I watched Carson's reaction to what Jimmy was saying so I had an idea of what was going on.
Half-way through the segment, Julie looked at me. "You could do that, you know. Be a V.J. You have the personality. The looks."
I was genuinely surprised. "Are you kidding?" The expression on her face told me that the answer was no. "You know I'm way too shy!"
She shrugged. "Just a suggestion." We went back to watching Carson.
After about 5 minutes they wrapped up, and cued a video. "Now's your chance, you have to go tell him about the party! I'll go downstairs." I took one last glance at Jimmy. He was shaking Carson's hand. "Hurry!"
"Hold on, hold on!" Julie replied as she walked into the studio. I ran downstairs and sat at my desk, nervously wringing my hands. I fought hard with myself not to bite my nails. I was a wreck. When I saw Julie coming towards me I jumped up and ran to her.
"What did he say?! What did he say?!" I couldn't breathe.
"Well...," Julie began, "Here's the thing Stell..." My heart sank. He wasn't coming. "...He said he might be a few minutes late," she finished with a grin.
My eyes widened and I let out a small gasp. "Oh my God, Julie. OH MY GOD!" We both jumped up and down and hugged each other, giggling, not caring that we were acting like 14 year olds. "Wow. Wow wow. This is, this is great. This is unbelievable!" I said, starting to calm down.
"Everything's going perfectly," Julie said. "He's coming tonight. The hard part's done. Now all we gotta go is party!"
"Hmm... I'd leave it down if I were you. It's "sexy." Plus, then you can show off your waves." She smiled at me. I plopped down on my bed. "What should I say to him? Do you think I'll make a fool of myself? What if he gets creeped out because I'm so obsessed with him? What if he doesn't like me? What i-" "Shut up!" Julie cried, cutting me off. "You're going to do just fine, but if you don't stop asking questions like that, you're going to drive yourself - and me - crazy! Now let’s get dressed." I nodded, and slipped into the sweater and jeans while Julie changed in the bathroom. When she came out we both said together, "I love that!" and laughed. She was wearing black pleather pants and a killer red halter top. "You look great!" I exclaimed. "So do you! Those jeans are fabulous!" "Come on, let's go grab something to eat." On our way out, Julie stopped in her tracks. "Wait. One last touch." She took little a plastic container of gold sparkles and showered them over my hair, then did the same over hers. Then she took out a new bottle of Ralph perfume, my favourite. "This is for you. For luck tonight." "Oh my gosh! Thank you so much!" I gave her a huge hug. We both applied a squirt to our necks and left. We grabbed a bite to eat at some fast food restaurant. I couldn't eat much, I was so nervous. When we were approaching the party, my hands started to shake. I looked over at Julie. "Don't worry about it!" she said. "Calm down. Breathe." I did as I was told. All too suddenly, we were at the party. It was in this really nice looking dance hall. I could hear the music as soon as I got out of the car. Julie and I linked arms, and went in. There were already a lot of people there. Julie and I mingled and had a drink. I kept looking at my watch. At 10:30 Jimmy still wasn't there and I started to panic. What if something had come up? What if he'd been in an accident? I left Julie, who was flirting with a very cute guy, and sat at the bar in misery. After a few minutes (and a few martinis), I felt someone tap on my shoulder. I turned around, and nearly choked on my olive. "Hey, you're the klutz from MTV," Jimmy said with a laugh. "Uh, uh, yeah." I remembered to laugh. "That's me!" He held out his hand, and I shook it. "I'm Jimmy Fallon." "Estella Rose," I replied. "Uh, would you like to have a drink with me?" "Sure." He sat down beside me and ordered a beer. While he was occupied, I looked around for Julie, but I couldn't find her. Maybe things had worked out for her and cute guy. "So, do you like working there?" I turned my attention back to Jimmy. "Uh wha-? Uh yeah, it's good. I.. I intern...?" I cringed at my sudden loss of speech skills, and blushed. Jimmy laughed. "You always this nervous?" Hearing him laugh loosened me up. "Yeah, actually," I said smiling. "I don't even think I have to ask you if you like working on SNL." He looked mildly impressed. "A fan, huh?" All my thoughts about him flooded out of my mouth. "Oh my gosh, the biggest! I love your impressions, and your parodies, and, well, everything you do!" Jimmy looked embarrassed. "I was uh, talking about being a fan of SNL... not me..." He trailed off and looked at the floor. I stared at him. "Oh." There was an awkward pause. "Oh, yeah, I know, you just didn't let me finish." I tried to recover. "I was just uh, saying that I like what you do, but uh, I mean, I like the show a lot more...? I mean, I don't actually do stand-up, but if I did, I'm sure I could do it a lot better than you." Jimmy looked surprised, and burst out laughing. I smiled, and tried to make myself look as attractive as possible while doing it. After a minute Jimmy calmed down and said, "Nice recovery!" I was slightly embarrassed that he knew what I'd just done, but I took it in stride. "Thank you!" We chatted for a long time. I started to feel more comfortable with him. We joked around and laughed a lot. And drank a lot. It was so surreal. Jimmy Fallon and I were having a conversation! I was so impressed with his modesty and wit, and I also found out how incredibly sweet he is. My crush on him definitely got bigger. After a few hours, Jimmy's cell phone rang. "Hello? Oh hi. Yeah. Yeah." I listened to his end of the conversation intensely, trying to guess who was on the other side. "Ok. I'll be there. Ok. Bye." He hung up and looked at me. "I've got to go. I have a really early meeting tomorrow. I'm sorry." I was a bit disappointed, but I tried not to let it show. "Oh, no problem!" We both stood up. "I should probably be going too. I just have to find my friend..." I looked around, lost. The room was almost empty. I looked back at him sheepishly. Just then he smiled at me. My heart swelled. That smile. That smile that I'd stared at through a screen for so long. That smile which was now directed at me. All irrational thoughts took over. I stared at his lips. They looked so soft. Without thinking, I put my hands on either side of his face, and put my lips to his. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the longing. Maybe it was just inevitable. I kissed Jimmy Fallon. No other kiss I'd ever had was so soft and sweet. After a few seconds, I came back to reality, and stared at him with wide eyes. He mirrored my expression. I stepped away quickly and felt my whole face become hot, and new I was probably as red as a tomato. I started to babble. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was doing, I can't believe I did that, it was the alcohol I swear, I'm so sorry, you probably have a girlfriend and oh God! I'll write her a letter and apologize, I'm so sor-" Jimmy cut me off by kissing me. Then HE looked at me and blushed. "It-it's ok," he stammered. "I-I was actually thinking of asking you for your number... So, well..." He ruffled his hair and looked at the ground. "You, uh, made the decision a lot easier for me." I pinched myself to see if I was dreaming. Definitely not. "Uh, yeah." I said in a daze. "Yeah! Of course you can have my number!" “No, I meant I decided not to ask for your number. Your breath stinks man!” I wanted to die. “Kidding! I’m just kidding. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I really want your number.” He looked at me. “Please?” he tried to pout. I gathered what was left of my dignity and brushed off his joke. I grabbed a napkin and dug around for a pen in my purse, then wrote my number down and handed it to him. We smiled at each other shyly. “Oh man, I really ruined the mood didn’t I?” Jimmy said sheepishly. “Yeah, you definitely killed it!” I said, laughing. "So uh, we’d better get going...,” he said. "Oh, yeah. We’d better." We walked towards the parking lot in silence. When we got to where Julie's car was parked I said, "This is me. I'm sure my friend will turn up here soon." Jimmy looked disappointed. "Oh. Ok. Well. I'll uhm, call you tomorrow?" "Alright," I said, grinning. "Ok," he replied. Then as an afterthought, he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "Bye," he said, and smiled. I watched him go, letting everything sink in. I was so happy. I couldn't stop grinning and my cheeks started to ache. But they didn't hurt for long. I heard someone behind me, and turned, thinking it was Julie. "Essstella," Peter slurred. "I've been looking for you." I felt incredibly uncomfortable. "Peter, you're drunk. Go home." He walked towards me, stumbling, without speaking. When he was near me he said, "You look like you need sssome love, Essstella. I love you. Love me too Essstella." He reached out for me and I backed away. He kept coming, and with every step he took towards me, I took one back from him. I didn't have far to go though, and after a few seconds I was backed up against Julie's car with nowhere to go. Peter had me cornered. "Essstella," he muttered, putting his hand on my waist. I slapped it away, but he only smiled and came at me again. This time he was rough. He grabbed me and held on. I tried to get away but he was too strong. He put one hand down my pants and the other up my shirt, breathing heavily. I started to scream. I screamed and screamed, trying to get away. Peter was kissing my neck, and was trying to get my shirt off. My vision started to go fuzzy, and I realized I was sobbing, blinded with tears. All of a sudden Peter was ripped away from me. I heard the sound of skin hitting skin, and a loud thud. I didn't stop screaming. "Estella! Estella it's me! It's OK, it's over," Jimmy said, holding me. I fought him for a minute, but gave up in exhaustion, and collapsed in his arms, balling. "Shh," he soothed. I heard Peter moving on the ground, and I quickly tried to regain my composure so I could get away from him. Jimmy knew what I was thinking. "Come on," he said, holding my hand and leading me away. "Essstella," Peter moaned. He had one hand over his eye. "Estella!" This time he was screaming. "If you leave with him, you're fired!" I kept walking, fighting my tears. "Bitch! You fucking whore!" Peter yelled. Jimmy's body tensed, and he stopped. He turned around and glared at Peter. "If you ever go near her again, I'll put you in the hospital." He turned away, squeezed my hand, and led me to his car.
"What happened to you last night?" I practically screeched at Julie over the phone.
"Stell, I'm so sorry, Jack and I just kind of got carried away... I thought you'd do okay on your own..."
"Julie, I was fucking molested by Peter, does that seem okay to you?"
There was silence. "Oh dear God. That miserable... oh man, are you alright?! I'm going to kill him!"
I sighed. "I'm fine. He fired me. Do you believe that?"
"He fired you?! Oh, Julie, you have to take this up in court! And report him to the police!"
"You know I can't take it to court. I don't have the money! My parents can barely support me here. I can't just ask them to pay for a lawyer and everything. And I know I have to call the police. I will. I just... want to let things settle for a while. I'm still pretty shaken up about it."
"Fuck. Estella, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you." She sounded like she was going to cry.
"No, it's okay... Seriously, there was no way you could have known. Besides... Jimmy helped me."
"Jimmy helped you?" she asked, puzzled. Wait, did I miss something?"
"Well... I met him, we talked... I kissed him..."
"You kissed him?! What happened to being "shy"?"
"I don't know! It just kind of happened! Anyway, I gave him my number and he walked me to the car, and when he left Peter showed up. Jimmy heard me screaming and got him off me. He... Well, he gave Peter a black eye!"
"Jimmy punched Peter over you... Wow. Wow! So then what happened?
"He just brought me home. He's such a nice guy, Julie. I'm so in love with him!"
She laughed. "Just don't tell him that! You'll scare him away!"
"I'll do my best."
"So what are you going to do now?" she asked.
"Well I thought I'd look for a job. And date Jimmy Fallon." I couldn't help but grin.
"You are one lucky girl, Estella." We said good-bye and hung up.
For the next couple of weeks I spent every available minute with Jimmy. We went to the movies, the beach, out for ice cream. I gave up looking for a job; I only wanted to be with Jimmy. I went to a lot of the SNL rehearsals, and he even got me into a live taping. Out of public he was even sweeter. You'd never know how romantic he is. Every so often he would bring me flowers and little gifts. And of course his signature charm never failed to make me melt. He even (attempted) to make me dinner once. We ended up ordering pizza, but neither of us cared much.
Everything was perfect. That is, until the night he told me he had to go away.
It was raining out. But not the dreary kind of rain. It was a summer shower, when it just feels good, because the air seems to get lighter and you can almost see the flowers drinking it in. I was at home prepping for him to come over. I was extra nervous. Tonight was the night. I felt like we were ready to take that next step in out relationship. I had butterflies in my stomach, just like that day when I was going to meet him for the first time. It seemed so long ago. I smiled at the memory. Jimmy always made me feel like a teenager again. My teenagehood hadn't been that long ago, but after all the things I'd been through since I'd turned 18 five years ago, it seemed like a lifetime.
I heard a knock on the door, and opened it. Jimmy was standing there looking amazing as always. But he wasn't smiling. He just looked at me without speaking, then looked at the floor.
"What's wrong?" I asked, worried.
He walked in the door and took off his we coat, sighing. "I got a job offer today. A movie," he said as he sat down on the couch.
I sat down beside him. "That's great!"
"It would mean that I'd have to be out of the country for 4 months."
My heart sank. "Four months? But… But that’s a third of the year!"
"Yeah," he said softly. "I'm sorry Estella. I just have to take this. The script is amazing, and it would mean I'd get to work with a lot of great people. You know how much I want to do another movie. And the film means a lot to me."
He wouldn't look me in the eyes.
I sat totally still, trying to absorb what he was saying. "Maybe, maybe I could come with you?" I asked desperately.
He shook his head. "I already tried that. They said you'd just distract me. Plus, it's going to be constant work. I'd never be able to spend time with you, and that wouldn't be fair."
"So... So are you breaking up with me?" I asked, astonished.
The look in his eyes told me this was hard for him. "I... I don't know what else to do, Estella."
I was speechless. I told myself to get over it, it was too good to be true. How could I have expected it to last? Then I looked at him. I saw his face, the face that I knew so well now. The face I didn't feel like I could live without. The man I knew I loved, but was too afraid to tell. I couldn't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. The
sense of loss and despair I felt right then was overwhelming. And because I couldn't handle that feeling, I got angry.
"So you don't even want to try?" I began to yell.
"Estella," he began, but I cut him off.
"Well, that shows how much you care about me! Thank you. Thank you for ripping my heart out. Thank you for coming over here to do it in person, so you can see me lose it! You've always been such a standup guy!" I was screaming at that point.
Jimmy sat there and took it. I could tell my words were hurting him, but at that point I didn't care.
"Get out," I said in a low growl. He looked up at me with an apologetic expression. "Get out!" I screamed, my voice hoarse. He stood up and walked across the room slowly, took his coat off of the hanger and opened the door.
Without turning around, he whispered, "I'm sorry." Then he closed the door behind him.
I felt the tears well up inside of me, but I didn't want to let them out. Instead I turned to beer. I drank as much as I could as fast as I could. I wanted to get so drunk that I wouldn't remember. Wouldn't care.
About 20 minutes later the buzz was beginning to set in when there was a tentative knock at the door. I whipped it open, and Jimmy was standing there. I didn't have anything to say to him, so I just looked at him and waited for him to talk, letting him suffer.
"My car...," he said, avoiding looking at me in the eyes. "It was stolen. I called for a cab but they said it would be here in like and hour... So I was wondering... I know I don't deserve it... But will you please drive me home?" He looked up at me with huge eyes.
I wanted to say no. I wanted him to wait. But when I looked at his face I just couldn't. "Fine," I said softly. I went and got my keys and jacket. I saw him looking at the beer bottles on the table.
"Have you been drinking?" he asked.
I walked up to him, ready to go. "So?" I asked stubbornly.
"I'm driving," he said. "You can stay the night at my house and go home in the morning."
"Fine!" I said irritably, walking down the corridor ahead of him. I threw him the keys and we walked down to the garage.
When we got out of the garage, I saw that the summer shower had turned into a full-blown storm. I could hear thunder in the distance and I shivered. We road in silence. After a few minutes, the beer started to have it's effect on me, and my stomach started churning. I had never been much of a beer drinker, it never sat well with me. I leaned over in my seat and groaned.
"Are you okay?" Jimmy asked.
"Nausea. Not that you care. It's my car anyway," I shot back at him. Then my stomach heaved, and I barely got the window down in time before I puked all over the road.
Jimmy must have been watching me, because when I put my head back in the car, I saw that we were headed straight towards a huge truck. "Jimmy!" I screeched.
He snapped his attention back to the road. "Shit!" he yelled as he veered away from the truck. But the turn was too sharp, and the car rolled over and slid down into the ditch. I felt my head hitting something, and sharp pains in my chest.
The next thing I remember was waking up to rain on my face, my head on Jimmy's lap. I could hear him screaming for help. Which brings me to here. I can hear people talking, cars driving by. Everyone seems really worried. I guess I know now what it's like to see your life flash before your eyes. I wonder for a second why all I saw was my relationship with Jimmy. I look at him. He looks really sad. I can't figure out why. He's saying something. I can't really hear it. I think it's something like, "You're going to be fine, you're going to be alright." I can tell he's lying.
"I love you," he says. I love you? I don’t really understand, everything is too muddled, but that's what it looked like he was saying. He brings his face close to my ear, like he knows I can't hear him, but I know that's impossible. "I was too afraid. I'm so sorry Estella. I'm so sorry." I think he's crying now.
I love you. I love you Jimmy! I always have. I was afraid too, but we don't have to be afraid anymore. I want to yell it to him. I want to yell it to the whole world! But I can barely make a sound. I focus on forming the words. The pain in my head is unbearable, and the throbbing all over my chest is turning into a burning. I think for a second how it's strange that I can be burning when there's so much water everywhere.
"I love you. I love you Jimmy! I always have. I was afraid too, but we don't have to be afraid anymore." I can't hear myself saying the words, but I can feel in my throat that I'm making sound. I don't know if he can hear me. My vision is starting to go black, so I just keep saying it over and over again. "We don’t have to be afraid."
And then there is nothing.
I wake up with the sun on my face. It's so bright, even with my eyes closed, that my head throbs, and I can't help but moan. Then I realize it's not the sun that's making my head throb and I open my eyes. I'm in a hospital room. There is an I.V. tube sticking out of my arm. I can see Julie asleep in one of the chairs. Beside her is Jimmy. He has his head in his hands. When he hears me moan he looks up, and sees that I'm awake. He stands up and walks to my bedside.
"Hey," he whispers, taking my hand in his.
"Hey," I whisper back. "What... What happened?"
"We rolled over into the ditch. You hit your head pretty badly. The windshield shattered, and some of the glass hit you in the chest." That's what the burning must have been.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Yeah, I'm fine. A few cuts and bruises. A bit of whiplash. You got the worst of it." I can tell he feels guilty. "Listen, about the movie..."
"You have to do it, Jim." I know it. I think I knew it before, I just didn't want to admit it. I hope that I can tell him that someday, when I can get over my pride.
He nods. "Yeah. I think I do. But I was wondering... When I come back... Can I call you? I mean, I'm not expecting to just be able to start over, or pick things up where we left off." He ruffles his hair, and it makes my heart swell, all my feelings for him taking over.
"Yes, absolutely." I smile. "I'd like that."
Jimmy looks relieved. "Thank-you." We look at each other for a few minutes. Finally he says, "I love you Estella Rose." It's different this time. This time he's looking me right in the eyes. I believe him. I trust him with all my heart.
"I love you, Jimmy Fallon." I bring him towards me, and he holds me.
I think about the future. I know that soon he will go away. I know that he has to do it, that he needs to explore his talent. That he needs to say something with his work. I know that when he comes back, we will go out to the movies, make dinner for each other, and bring each other little gifts every now and then. I also know that there will be hard times, when we will fight and cry, and say things just to hurt one another. But I know that eventually things will work out.
Because we love each other, and we don't have to be afraid anymore.
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