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ALBANIAN BLIND DATE
BY MATT SENIOR
Characters in this week’s show.
Host. The Effulgent Count Balthus.
Bachelor No. 1: Giovanni.
Bachelor No. 2: Sebastian.
Bachelor No. 3: Tattoo the Dwarf.
Lacrosse Bitch.
Introductory Music plays. [Of a tune surprisingly similar to the song, Inskora Dream]
Balthus:
Greetings and welcomage to you all, Albanian peasants!
[Audience applauds and shout out offers of indecent acts for Balthus]
I thank. I thank. I am of the hoping that the tonight of the show will be an effulgent one! You are all of the most kind to applaud as you are of the doing. Indeed, I……
Ah. The producer is of the shouting in my piece of the ear to be of the continuing with the show. Let us be of the meetage of tonight’s Albanian bachelors.
Please be of the applaud for bachelor number one!
[Giovanni enters to rapturous applause]
Balthus:
Bachelor of the number one. What is your name?
Giovanni:
Giovanni *cough* Inski.
Balthus:
We are of the pleased to be having you on the show. You are of the here to attain an girl of the Albanian. What is the kind of girl you would like to be meeting of the tonight?
Giovanni:
One who will not scream and call the police when I approach.
Balthus:
I am of the imagining these girls are of the few and far between. I am of the wishing you good luck tonight.
Now let us be of the welcoming Bachelor number two!
[Sebastian enters to a stupendous applause. Girls in the audience remove their tops in honour of him]
Balthus:
Bachelor number two. Be of the welcome. What is your name?
Sebastian:
My name is Sebastian Inskora! [Further applause and cheers]
Balthus:
It is of the most excellent to be having you on the show. My producer is telling me that much of the studio audience has come to completion due to your of the entrance. What kind of Albanian girl would you like to be of the meetage tonight?
Sebastian:
I am looking for a nineteenth wife.
Balthus:
Please, allow me to be of the getting of this straight. You have been of the married eighteen times already?
Sebastian:
No. I AM married eighteen times over already. I require another woman to satisfy my urges to have as many comes to completion as I wish. My wives do not find this disagreeable.
Balthus:
Some people would be of the criticising you for the having of such an attitude, would they not be?
Sebastian:
Fuck them. [Further applause and offers to be his nineteenth wife from studio audience]
Balthus:
Yass. Indeed. Well, let us now be of the welcoming Bachelor number 3!
[Tattoo the Dwarf enters to mocking laughter and taunts about his height. His entrance takes longest, not only because of his shorter legs, but because he must fend of two badgers that attack him as he approaches the stage]
Balthus:
Bachelor number three. Be of welcomed to the show. What is the of your name?
Tattoo:
Tattoo. I am a Dwarf. Cry for me.
Balthus:
Tattoo!? This is a very of the stupid name. Are you of the called this because you are of the having tattoos?
Tattoo:
No, Count. It would hardly be worth it. I have very little skin in comparison to most people. What I do have, I must keep in good working order so that I may continue to ascend stepladders and inspect breasts of Albanian girls.
Balthus:
What kind of girl of the Albanian would you like to meet tonight?
Tattoo:
I would like to meet one who will not laugh at my height. [The audience greets this statement with much laughter, as does Balthus]
Balthus:
Bachelors, take your of the seats. I thank. We will bring on our girl at this point. As she is not important enough to be named on my effulgent show, we will just call her ‘Lacrosse Bitch’, agreed? [All three Bachelors nod]
Be of the welcoming for Lacrosse Bitch!
[A scantily clad Albanian girl enters. She carries a Lacrosse stick. The audience cheer. Many members of the audience come to completion, again]
Balthus:
Please be of the asking of your questions.
L. Bitch:
Yass. I wish to ask all of the bachelors what they would like to do on our first outing together?
Giovanni:
I will do what I wish. You will do as you are told! Yass, for this is the best way.
[The audience applauds]
Sebastian:
I would take you to the dungeons of Gothumwakah. There I would teach you about life, and it’s secrets and it’s dark secrets. Oh, yes! There are many dark secrets.
[Audience applauds and cheers]
Tattoo:
I would wish to absorb all of your pain and hurt. We would go to a long session of cry therapy!
[Audience laughs, mock and taunts Tattoo. Members of the audience shout warnings to the Lacrosse Bitch such as, ‘Do not choose him! He is short! He will not defend you from Albanian badgers!’]
L. Bitch:
I see. I have more questions….
Balthus:
No! Please, be of the stoppage! You are but of a woman and are being of the boring me. I thank.
Can you choose of an from the three of bachelors?
L. Bitch:
Yass. I choose bachelor number ………….. two!!! [Male audience applauds. Female audience and gay male audience cry out in jealous envy]
Balthus:
A choice of the most good. Yass. Do our of the bachelors have of the any comments to be of the made?
Giovanni:
Fuck all Inskoras!!! They truly always get the best lacrosse bitches. I am left with the ugly, dungaree wearing Albanian girls with bad eyesight. [Audience all show sympathy by going ‘Ahh’]
Sebastian:
Yass. Yass. Yass! I have come to completion now that I have seen my latest bride. I am pleased that I have won, although I expected nothing less! [Audience applaud]
Tattoo:
Cry for me. I am but a Dwarf with a broken stepladder. [Audience laugh and cruelly mock Tattoo. Several badgers are released and set upon the Dwarf]
Balthus:
Yass. Tattoo will be of the available for audience members to be of the kickage after the show. Sebastian has of the informed me that he is open to offers of the relations of the sexual, anytime. And Giovanni has been of the spotteth on the show. The police are here to of the question him about an incident involving milk cartons and his coming to the completion.
Of my audience, I thank. Yass.
[Audience applauds. Music finishes the show]
