~+~Office Jokes~+~

Swiiiiiiish! The elevator door opened and a middle-aged man steps into the cart. There are two other passengers already in the elevator. A girl in her mid-twenties, and a man wearing an expensive black suit, his face hidden behind a newspaper. The two are standing in the back of the elevator, behind the new passenger who is watching the numbers increase with each passing of a floor. Eerie music played in the elevator. It was the score to “The Silence Of The Lambs,” but he had never seen it, therefore didn’t recognize it.

“Arrrrrrrrrrgh!” rang through the cart and the new passenger turned around in a heartbeat to find the man, who’d been holding the newspaper, chewing the face of the mid-twenties girl.

“Oh my God! Help me!” screamed the girl as the other man savagely chewed at her cheek, his hands gripping her head. Her hands clenching onto his wrists, trying to pry him off of her.

“Arrrrrrrrrgh!” The man continued gnawing at his feast.

The new passenger was in shock and did nothing but stare in awe.

“HELP ME!” yelled the girl. Her eyes just barely meeting the man in shock.

Still, he couldn’t move. Didn’t even try to pull the beast off the poor girl. Moments later, she’d lost consciousness and fell to the floor. The bloody-faced animal turned his attention to the man in shock.

The door opened and the man recovered from his shock and darted out of the elevator into the vacant hallway. He turned for a split second to see a bloody face lunging at him, and as he fell back into the hall with his eyes tightly shut, waiting for his attack, the door shut and the madman was gone.

Inside the elevator, the girl on the floor opened her eyes and busted out laughing. The man who’d attacked her helped her up and then proceeded to wipe the blood off his face while he joined in on the laughter.

“That was great! Did you see his face when he turned around and saw you biting me?!” the girl asked.

“Yeah! Did you see him fall when I went for the button to close the door? He thought I was gonna land on him!” the no longer bloody-faced man replied.

“This rubber face thing is GREAT! And the fake blood was incredible! Where’d you get this stuff?” she asked.

“I found it in one of the prop houses. They had a ton of it laying around, so I took a couple things. These blood capsules taste like strawberry.” he said.

“You coulda gave that guy a heart-attack, you know. And the music was a great touch! How’d you set that up?” she questioned.

“Aw, he’ll be fine. I can’t believe he didn’t recognize the music. Or me! That’s what he gets for not seeing the movie, because he obviously didn’t. I had a friend of mine in the building put in the music for today. Every other song is from the movie.” He turned his handkerchief, covered in fake blood, inside out and put it back in his pocket.

“Tony, we’d better find another place to haunt before that guy gets security in here. You know he’s recovered himself from the floor and called for help by now.” She straightened herself up and dusted off her jeans.

“Good idea. Hey, let’s hide out in the bathroom stalls and jump out at people when they try to come in! That way when they pee themselves, they‘ll be in the right place for it” he suggested.

They both laughed and got off at the next floor.

While they were walking around through the halls, they saw a security guard go around the corner. He was looking for someone and it was pretty apparent who he was looking for. The two guilty persons decided to duck into the utility closet until it was safe to continue on their way.

“I hope nobody comes in here to get the broom” she said.

“Don’t worry about it Annica. Have you taken a look at the floors out there? They haven’t seen a cleaning device in weeks. Besides, we can just go into a routine if they come in here” Tony replied. “Let’s sit over here on these crates and wait awhile, just in case he comes back this way. You know, it’s really fun to come to this building and goof around. Takes the tensions away from work and all.”

Some time past and they were spending the time reminiscing about old jokes they’d played. “Hey, remember that time we went to see Hannibal?” Annica asked, almost breaking into a fit of laughter.

“Which time?” Tony asked. They’d gone to see it numerous times, but a couple times in particular were memorable experiences. Both for them and for the people in the theatre.

“When we sat in the very back, corner of the theatre. And just when Hannibal attacked that nurse--” she started.

“Oh, yeah!” A smile formed on his face as he recalled the situation. “Keep going, I love this story.”

“When Hannibal attacked that nurse, you pulled out a flashlight just in time and shined it on your face, stood up and screamed! Everyone turned around and saw your face and they went crazy! Then you chased me out of there and we snuck into the one next to it and saw the movie from the start, again.” She laughed and thought about how easy it was to sneak into a movie without paying.

“I bet those people in there still check behind them when they go see a movie” he said in between laughs. “What about that time you had me call your friend during that thunderstorm? When you’d just left her house around 11pm and she was freaked out over watching some cheesy late-night horror film. I wish you coulda heard her drop the phone. I thought she’d fainted or something until I heard the click and dial-tone.”

They both laughed and leaned on each other for balance. Then they realized they were being too loud, so they muffled their laughs until they were able to maintain straight faces again.

Tony got up and peeked out the utility door. “Looks clear. Let’s go see who our next victim will be.”

“Sounds like a plan to me” Annica agreed.

They both crept out of the small room and casually walked up the hall, looking for a new base for their pranks. They turned the corner and ran right into a security guard. Six foot-one, African American, and someone you’d expect to be quite a grouch when being run into.

“Uh oh” Annica mumbled under her breath.

“Hello, Jim” Tony said, kindly. “How are you today?” Jim and Tony had met when Jim was working on the set of a movie that Tony was doing in the area awhile back. Since then, Tony enjoyed hanging around in the building, causing good intentioned grief. There were so many floors in the building, it was easy to go unnoticed.

“I’m fine, Mr. Hopkins, but you two have got to stop pullin’ those pranks on people. You’re gonna hurt somebody one of these days.“ He stopped to consider things for a moment and then added, “If I wasn’t so nice, I’d kick you guys outta here in a second, but I know you’re just havin’ some fun. But if the bosses find out I’m lettin’ you off the hook, they’re liable to fire me.” He stepped aside to allow the two trouble-makers to pass. “We‘ve already got a guy in the lounge goin‘ on and on about some girl gettin‘ her face chewed off by a newspaper man. Just keep out of trouble, you hear?”

In unison, Tony and Annica answered, “We will” and walked passed Jim with innocent grins on their faces. Jim knew he hadn’t seen the last of the pranks, but he just shook his head and went on his way. Once out of range, Tony and Annica were consumed by fits of giggles for several minutes. Until they found their next victim.

Nancy was a temporary secretary for one of the offices there, so Tony and Annica were glad to find some new blood, so to speak.

Tony pulled a folded up ball cap out of his inner jacket pocket and put it on, along with a pair of dark sunglasses. “Just in case” he said. “Follow my lead.”

He walked around the corner to Nancy’s desk and Annica followed right behind him.

“Excuse me” he caught a glimpse of the secretary’s nametag, “My friend and I just witnessed two men having a serious fight over by the east elevator on this floor.”

“Oh no! I’ll call security right away” she said as she picked up the phone.

“One of the men actually bit a finger off the other’s hand!” Annica added.

“That was right before he said he was looking for someone named Nancy and that nobody better stand in his way” Tony added, quickly.

“Omigod!” shrieked Nancy, causing her to drop the phone in shock.

“You call security! We’ll go see if we can stop him” Tony said, as he and Annica took off running around the corner.

Once around the corner, and up the hall a bit, they cracked up.

“I can’t believe she fell for that!” Annica laughed.

“She probably can’t even steady herself long enough to dial the phone” Tony said, holding his sides to control the laughing pains. “We’d better go to another floor.”

They got to the elevator but were stopped by a guard they hadn’t seen before. “Freeze! Put your hands in the air where I can see them and back away from the elevator. NOW!”

“Wait a second, we’re just--” Annica started to explain, but was cut off.

“Quiet! Put your hands up and back away from the elevator!” His gun was drawn and aimed straight at the suspects. “Step away from the elevator and put your hands against the wall. Do it!”

Tony and Annica did as they were told. The security guard patted them down to make sure they had no weapons on them, and Tony tried explaining things.

“Look, my name’s Anthony Hopkins and this is my friend, Annica. My friend Jim is a security guard here too, just ask him who I am, he’ll tell you we didn’t do anything but a few harmless pranks.” He wished Jim had stuck around.

“Sure pal. But you can save your stories to tell your cellmates in prison” He took a moment to radio the cops on his walkie talkie. “Put your hands behind your head, fella.” He cuffed Tony and turned him around, putting his back up against the wall. Annica was still facing the wall with her hands on it. “Miss, do you know this murderer?”

“Murderer?!” Tony shouted.

“Sir, please be quiet!” snapped the guard.

“He isn’t a murderer, it was all a joke! And yes, I know him, he’s a good friend of mine!” retorted Annica.

“Then I’m gonna have to ask you to hold your position until the cops get here so they can deal with you as well. This guy’s wanted for murder. He’s attacked more than one person in this building and probably woulda got his hands on a few more if I hadn’t caught him.” His gun was still aimed at Tony.

The elevator opened and two cops stepped out.

“Is this the guy?” the first cop asked.

“Yep. No weapons, though. Guess you don’t need ‘em if you got all those teeth to use, huh?” Alright pal, you’re in the hands of the law now.” He grabbed Tony by the arm and gave him a push towards the two cops.

“I need to talk with Jim, he’ll explain everything, just find him. He’s probably on this floor somewhere!” Tony said, nervously.

“We don’t need to talk to anybody. We’ve got a man who was on that elevator when you ate some girl’s face off. He gave a complete description of you already, and he’s waiting downstairs to confirm it.” said the second cop.

“Who’s this?” the first cop asked the security guard. He was motioning to Annica.

“Says she’s friends with this guy. Either she really is, or she’s lying cos she’s afraid of what he’ll do to her if she goes against him” the guard said.

“What?! That’s insane!” shouted Tony. “Don’t any of you know who I am?! Look at my face! Don’t you watch movies? I’m Anthony Hopkins! All this was a joke! It was all based on my role as Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lecter!”

“Right, and I guess this here’s Clarice Starling, huh?” the first cop mused.

Tony sighed, realizing that they were obviously three guys who never watched TV in their lives.

“Hey guys, what’s going on here?” came a voice from up the hall. It was Jim.

“Jim!” Tony exclaimed, happily. “Tell these three who I am! Tell them I’m an actor and that I didn’t commit any crimes!”

“Hey....this is the guy that attacked that poor girl in the elevator! I’ve been lookin’ all over for him. Probably a good thing I didn’t run into him earlier. He looks kinda hungry.” Jim kept his distance from Tony.

Tony’s eyes looked like fire. “Are you crazy?! Jim! Explain everything to them! They’re serious! They’re gonna take me to jail. This will be in all the tabloids across the world!”

“OK, let’s get you downstairs and off to the police station. Take it real slow, too. One sudden move and you’ll regret it” the second cop warned as he lead Tony to the elevator. “Miss, you come with is. We won’t cuff you until we find out what’s going on here, and who you are.”

The elevator door opened and Tony made one last plea to Jim who watched them approach the cart. “Jim, I’m really in trouble here. This isn’t a joke!”

“Yes it is” Jim said, a smile forming on his face.

At that moment, the security guard and the two cops began laughing hysterically. Tony and Annica realized they’d been had.

The cuffs were removed from Tony and all those who were in on the joke apologized and Jim explained that he’d gotten a few of his friends, who were big fans of Tony’s, to help him out.

Tony and Annica couldn’t help but laugh. Tony signed autographs for the three guys and he told them to watch out the next time they go to the theatre.

Since that day, Tony and Annica kept their pranks at a minimum. But they always set aside some time to work on a plan to get their revenge. Some time, some day, when they least expect it, there’ll be four guys who’ll get the scare of their lives.