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Scene: High-class restaurant. Nathan is sitting at a bar drinking. The elegant, raven-haired seductress, Annie, strolls up.
Annie: "I'm a great admirer of yours, would you..." (Nathan, slightly annoyed autographs a cocktail napkin and returns to his drink. Annie starts to walk away disappointed. She was actually going to say, "Would you take me right here on this bar?" A waiter stops her.) Waiter (winks):"Wait 'til he has a few drinks in 'im." Annie: What do you mean? (30 minutes later.) Nathan (Standing on the bar.): "I FEEL PRETTY, Hic-cup! OH SO PRETTY, Hic-cup! I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND BRIGHT! (Falls off) OWWWWWW! (Drunkenly, with slurred speech.) YOU, Morticia! (points to Annie) Sorry I brushed you off, let me buy you a make to drink it up to you! (Waves Annie over.) Annie (Rushes over): "Oh, Mr. Lane. I'm your biggest fan." Nathan: "No you're not. I remember one time, these two psycho-broads ripped into each other over who got me. I wonder what happened to them." Annie: "Lisa is doing very well. She gets her casts off tomorrow and the bruises have all but disappeared. But she still can't get around without her little crutch." (One of Nathan's handlers walks up.) Handler: "Mr. Lane, you've had a bit to much. I recommend we take you home, so you can get so sleep. Do you want me to call the limo?" Nathan: "I'm fine right here! And though, I might be under the slight affluence of incohol, I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Hic-cup!" Handler: "What?!" Nathan: "Well you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna listen to it." Handler: "How many have you had?" Nathan: "They're just these tiny-whiney little glasses." Handler: "And how many have you had." Nathan: "72! Hic-cup!" Handler (Frustrated): "Mr. Lane! I highly recommend..." Nathan: "I'll leave when I want to! Barman! I want some more drinks would be great!" Handler: "Your shooting begins Monday." Nathan: "SO WHAT? I have all sober to get Sunday!" Handler: "Mr. Lane..." Nathan: (Drunkenly swings arm around Annie.) "Oh, Buzz off! I'm having fun with my new friend here." Handler: "Mr. LANE!" Annie: "You heard the man! Scram!" (The handler stomps away angrily.) Nathan (Turns to Annie): "I gotta be careful... When I drink to much I'm very inunhibi... inunhi... you know what I mean! In fact, can I tell you a secret?" Annie (Leans in close. Whispers saucily.): "Yessssss." Nathan: "I'm not gay! Nope! 100% Heterosexual! It was something my agent cooked up to boost my popularity. Ya know, Ellen's coming-out had been such a hit. And it seemed so plausible, me being single and on Broadway. My career was really lagging and I needed some outrageous stunt at that point. It was either that or marry Lisa Marie Presley. (Sighs) Oh, it feels so good to finally tell someone. You don't know what it's like to live a lie." Annie: "I knew it all the time. No gay man would exude your raw, animal charisma." Nathan: "Well, I went out with guys in public but that was arranged by the studio. I was dating women in in secret. I lost my virginity to Raquel Welsh. Then when I went to Hollywood, my first love was Cindy Crawford. I dated Julia Roberts for a while (this was right before Benjamin Bratt), Heather Locklear, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Heidi Klum, (I really broke Heidi's heart, but things were just getting stale between us), Heather Graham, Gwyneth Paltrow, (that's the real reason she and Brad Pitt broke up), Claudia Schiffer, (now you know why she finally left Copperfield), Elle MacPherson, Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson (broke it off when she wanted me to make a "special" video tape with her), then Jennifer Lopez, but (tearing up) she left me for Ben Affleck. (losing control) I really thought she was the ONE! (breaks down sobbing uncontrollably) I'LL NEVER LOVE ANOTHER!" Annie: (Puts arm around him sympathetically.): "Don't be ridicules, You'll love again." Nathan: (Shoves my arm off): "NO! Oh, my sweet Jenny... Man, what an animal in bed." Annie (thrusts forward, seductively): "Come to my hotel with me. I'll make you forget all about J-Lo." (Takes his hand, leads him out of the restaurant. He's staggering drunkenly and needs to be held up.) Nathan: "Sure this is a good idea? People are gonna talk about this!" Annie: "Talk about what? All we're gonna do is sit and discuss politics and the arts, reminisces about old friends. We just have to make a quick stop on the way for strawberries, chocolate sauce and whipped cream." Nathan: "Carmen Diaz used to love to do that." (They walk out arm and arm.)
Scene: Fancy Hotel Room, Early Morning.
Annie: Good Morning. Nathan: Good Morning. (slowly awakening, realizing where he is): GOOD MORNING?!! OH MY GOD!!! (jumps out of the bed, screams at his undressed state and wraps a sheet around himself) Annie(saucily): Did you sleep well, Tiger? You were a busy boy last night. Nathan (Hyperventilating): WHAT DID I DO?! WHAT DID I DO?! Annie: Well, first you put your... Nathan: "I KNOW WHAT I DID! WHAT DO I DO NOW!? I just gotta stay calm. These things happen, they happen everyday, (losing it) EVERYDAY IN FRANCE AND PEOPLE DIE FOR IT. What happened last night? I can't remember anything. (turns to Annie) YOU! YOU SEDUCED ME!!! YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME WHILE I WAS DRUNK!" Annie: "Me? You were on me like white on rice, the moment we left the restaurant. I have the scratches on my back to prove it." Nathan: (Breathing frantically into a paper bag, on the verge of a nervous breakdown): "OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! What if the press finds out! I can see the headlines! 'Lover's Lane: "Producers" Star in Under-Age Sex Scandal' OH GOD!" Annie: "None in the press need find out. No one knows what happened, and I won't tell a soul. Plus, they think you're gay, remember?" Nathan (Relaxing): "You're right, you're right. No one has to know. (sighs) Uh, you know what would really hit the spot right now?" Annie: "My God, you're a machine!" Nathan: "NO, NOT THAT! Coffee! I meant coffee." Annie (disappointed): "Oh. Are you going to call me?" Annie: "Typical male. After you've had your fun, you discard me like yesterday's newspaper. At least I'll always have my memories. And the Polaroid's." Nathan: "WHAT?!" Annie: "I think they'll make a lovely addition to my friend Lisa's website." (Nathan shrieks) Annie: "Kidding! Kidding!" (They dress and head for the exit) Nathan: "I'm never drinking again! This will NEVER happen to me again." (In the lobby. Thirty minutes later.) Nathan (loudly and drunkenly): "AND I PITY ANY GIRL WHO ISN'T ME TONIGHT!" (Annie takes Nathan by the arm and leads him out the door.) Nathan: "Hic-cup! Hey, Goth-chick, where are we going?" Annie: "To visit Lisa. This will be the best Christmas present ever!"
Last Updated: 06 December 2002.
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