I didn't play sports. I had to do *something*. [Encore! Encore!]

You know, the last time I had breakfast at eight in the morning, there was a trap door in the back of my jammies. [Encore! Encore!]

I'm really more in-doorsy, than out-doorsy. [Encore! Encore!]

Fingernails go down chalkboards more melodically, wounded animals die more prettily, and silverware in the garbage disposal sounds like wind chimes compared to your screeching! [Encore! Encore!]

None of you has any busy even singing in the *shower*, let alone on a stage. [Encore! Encore!]

Me? Me? Still me? Oh! Me! [Love's Labour's Lost]

Nathan: We love each other.
Matthew Broderick: We do. I hate to admit it.
Lane: He hates to admit it. I'll openly admit I love Matthew.
Broderick: I love you, too.
[New York Times, 17 March]

Oh, very funny! Stop, my sides. [Encore! Encore!]

Alright, just a suggestion. Feel free to keep doing it the wrong way. [Encore! Encore!]

I promised the published a book called, 'Cooking With Mama.' I didn't say who's mama. [Encore! Encore!]

In case anyone is staring at the back of this newspaper thinking, 'Let's ask Joe,' I assure you, I would rather pry out my eyes with a grapefruit spoon before doing anything involving the verb 'to muck.' [Encore! Encore!]

Okay! Then I'll be the naughty choir boy! Here's the church! Here's the steeple! Open the bed, and tweest my neeple! [Encore! Encore!]

Oh, mama. You shouldn't be carrying all those groceries! Next time, make two trips. [Encore! Encore!]

I am not a diva! I'm just very, very, very special! [Encore! Encore!]

Is it wrong that I ask for a little free-to-be-me time? [Encore! Encore!]

Pass him. Pass him! Honk your horn! [Encore! Encore!]

Can't you make this vehicle thing go any faster? [Encore! Encore!]

I need a martini, a cigar and a rabies shot! [Encore! Encore!]

She mauled me pawed me, drooled on me and ate my speech! What's worse, I think we may be engaged. [Encore! Encore!]

Hold on. Let me get down a little lower, before you kick me again. [Encore! Encore!]

I hear you! I'm not blind! [The Boys Next Door]

Hello! My name is Norman Bulanksy. Welcome to my home. [The Boys Next Door]

I have a surprise, to surprise you with! [The Boys Next Door]

Welcome to Norman Bulanksy, please come again! [The Boys Next Door]

I don't think you'll have too much to say, Lawrence. Because, it's hard to talk without a f^cking tongue in your mouth! [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

I'm gonna play 'Sleigh Bells Roasting On An Open Fire.' And just try and stop me! [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

Uh, I was just sleeping. I got up for a two minute time out. [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

Okay! That's enough of that, here! Get me into the G*dd@mn sketch, already! Maybe last year, when we had an hour and a half....we could do Linus has mucus and Marcus is nauseous! But this is this year, and NBC is lookin' to f^ck us! [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

I'm not getting any pills. I hafta pee! [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

When you ask me, you'll know how I feel. Ask me! [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

This is the suckus tuckus schmuckus version. [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

That's right. That's right! I have removed the common cold from the face of the world. Mostly the nose. [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

She may be your mama, but the woman's a crook! [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

You can all sneeze your heads off! [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

Milt: You already ate it, Max.
Max: Really? Was it any good? [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

Harry? Am I home, yet? [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

Tell mom I have some very important exploding to do! [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

Is it foggy out there? There, now Long Island is foggy. [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

No memos, eh? You know why, Harry? They're saving them so they can memo me to death. Then they'll bury me in a folded memo in the Mount Memo Cemetery at Memo Park, New Jersey. [Laughter On The 23rd Floor]

Even now, I don't greet people by saying, 'I'm Nathan Lane, and I'll be your homosexual.' I just assume a lot of people know. It's never been something I kept a secret. [Advocate Magazine, 1999]

I don't think I'm a role model. My dating history alone would disqualify me. But people seem to like me. I get a warmth from them. I make them laugh. If I do this story and say I'm a gay person, it might make it easier for somebody else. [Advocate Magazine, 1999]

I didn't seem to be keeping it a secret, and I made jokes, and I went out to bars... I didn't know I was supposed to make a public declaration. I didn't think anybody cared. [Advocate Magazine, 1999]

Well this is the biggest gay celebration since Liza's wedding, isn't it? [The Rosie O'Donnell Show]

Shane, drop and give me 10. No, I'm just kidding. Drop and I'll give you 20. [The Rosie O'Donnell Show]

I didn't know you were gay! I would have looked for you at the meetings. And I would have sent you cards on all the big gay national holidays...the birthday of the Cosmopolitan, Fashion Week and I Haven't Told My Mother's Day! [The Rosie O'Donnell Show]

I would like to take this opportunity to thank him [Jason Alexander] for clearing up that unsolved mystery that is my sexuality. I also said, 'Look, I'm 40, single and I work in the musical theater-you do the math. What do you need, flashcards?' [US Magazine]

The trouble with [being explicit] to me is that it [implies] that if you're gay, you were just letting your hair down and it wasn't really a performance [to play a gay role]. [US Magazine]

Maybe you didn't hear me. I'm a Catholic priest. Historically that falls somewhere in between chorus boy and florist! [Jeffrey]

Dess? Is that anything like death? [The Producers]

If you don't mind, just once in my life I'd l ike to see someone on that couch who's under eithy-five. [The Producers]

Yes! Make audition! Make audition! Make audition all over the office. [The Producers]

Like it? I want you to know, my dear, that even though we're sitting down, we're giving you a standing ovation. [The Producers]

As a matter of fact, we may have several positions for you! [The Producers]

Didn't your father ever have this talk with you? Uh, Leo, let's put it this way....your hormones are like tiny little shriners. The men with the hats. Right now, they're having a big convention and Ulla is the guest of honour. [The Producers]

How much do we put in? Bloom, the two cardinal rules of being a Broadway producer are one, never put your own money in the show. (And two?) NEVER PUT YOUR OWN MONEY IN THE SHOW! [The Producers]

Five minutes. 'Til what? I left more people, than this, in bed. [Trixie]

Seven years. Minimum time. Astoundingly good behaviour. best reviews of my life. That other one I opened for Trini Lopez. I didn't murder anyone! I did, however, slaughter a man....in my own defense. I am not, by nature, an offensive person. [Trixie]

Just keep bringing me these until I can't pronounce my name. [Trixie]

Thank you! Thank you for being such a wonderful audience. There's a lotta love in this room, ladies and gentlemen. It's either that or carbon monixide. But seriously, if you're driving tonight, please don't forget your car. [Trixie]

You're very observant. Drinking into oblivion is my second favourite hobby. Drinking into a stooper is my first. I do it to remember. Or forget. I'm never sure which. [Trixie]

Old Arabian proverb. Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. [Trixie]

Flamboyance has a different context now because we've established over the past couple of decades that homosexuals are the most heterogeneous minority around. What's more, there are effeminate homosexuals, and some of them are fabulous, so get over it. [OUT Magazine, April 2001]

When I made the confession [Telling his mom, at age 21 that he's gay], her response was, 'I would rather you were dead.' I replied, 'I knew you'd understand.' [Eventually:] She would meet anyone I was involved with. For someone of that generation and background, she was pretty hip. She would have preferred it if I was straight, but I thought she dealt with it extremely well. [OUT Magazine, April 2001]

It was the lead story on Entertainment Tonight--it must have been a slow news day--but otherwise the response was more or less what I expected. You have all these people pushing you to come out. And then you do it; in my case it was partly in response to Matthew Shepard's death. And then these same people say, 'Why did you make such a big deal about it? Everybody already knew.' You can't win. But I'm glad I did it. I don't have to be coy anymore. [OUT Magazine, April 2001]

The story goes, Chita Rivera was talking to Ann Miller after she'd seen Cats. And Ann said, 'So what did you think? What did you really think?" And Chita says, 'Oh, honey, too much pussy.' [OUT Magazine, April 2001]

Trust your first response. It's usually the truest. [OUT Magazine, April 2001]

I said to a woman once, uh, you know people get up to go to the bathroom, whatever, I would always stop and say, 'Where're you goin'?! What the hell? You think this is a big screen Tv? I can see you!' And so this one woman goes to the bathroom and then she come back like, I mean, literally, within ten seconds. And I said, I said, 'You're back already?! What'd you do, sh!t in the lobby?!' I said what did you do? Sh!t in the LOBBY?! And they went bizerk! And she said, 'Yes, I did, actually! I'm incontinent!' [Robin Williams Loves Brodway]

I want it to be about my work as an actor, because, really, that's actually more important, to me, than being a homosexual. So, to tell you the truth. [BRAVO Profile]

They wanted you to sign a nudity clause, you know, that you'll be naked. I said, "Well, then I won't be doing the play, dear. Because, I don't do that." I said, "People will weep. Children will be upset. I ain't gonna be naked." [BRAVO Profile]

Nobody really was terribly interested in my, [laugh] my sex life, except me, until after The Birdcage, and that's when, suddenly, everyone's asking me, you know, "Are you?" [BRAVO Profile]

Look, I'm not, I mean, I said I'm not unhappy, I'm just Irish Catholic. Um, I'm, [laugh] um, I'm not, no, I wouldn't refer to myself as [funny voice] happy-go-lucky. [normal voice] I'm, you know, I'm complicated, and, and, you know, I have all of my issues, but um, but, no I'm not, I'm not uh, I'm not unhappy. [BRAVO Profile]

I could never do this with anyone watching, of course. Even a boyfriend, if I had one. Which I don't! [During Love! Valour! Compassion!]

Oh, no you don't! I'm not letting you do this! ("Get off the brakes!") No! No! You get off the, the....thing that makes it go! ("The accelorator!") Thank you! [Encore! Encore!]

No. No, this time I, I, I, I, I really mean it! ("Joe, listen to yourself. You're out of control.") But, I need a ride! And I need it bad! ("Joe, you've gotta get this monkey off your back.") [gasp] Just halfway? [Encore! Encore!]

Afterall, there are millions of women in the world. I should know. I've had most of them. [Encore! Encore!]

Okay. A room full of people. Why isn't anyone yelling 'Surprise?' [Encore! Encore!]

Afraid? Afraid?! You're talking to a man who had a Poptart, yesterday! [Encore! Encore!]

Oh, I don't know. I suppose you're right. But, when you say, 'YOU could hire a private instructor,' do you mean--? ("I'll make the call, for you.") I love you. [Encore! Encore!]

Everyone, stop what you're doing! I have an important question. Does this need a scarf? [Encore! Encore!]

("Yes, indeed. And you must be the famous Joe Pinoni.") Yes, I am. Always nice to meet a fan. Would you, uh, like an autograph? ("Oh, actually, actually when I said, 'famous,' I was just using it as an expression.") Well, it isn't! And if you insist on tossing it around, casually, like that, you're liable to hurt someone. Like a world-famous opera star! ("Uh, okay." So, so now, tell me, Joe. Now, now what do you do for a living?") I'm a world-famous opera star! [Encore! Encore!]

Oh, now, isn't that just grand? Whatever happened to simple consideration? All right, crazy lady. Get in the car! You're driving me back into town! [Encore! Encore!]

No, Claude, a taco is not a living thing. Until a few hours after you've eaten it. [Encore! Encore!]

I payed that back in chores, mama. You know that stack of clean laundry, you stack on my bed, doesn't just put itself away. [Encore! Encore!]

One of the best meals I ever threw up. [Encore! Encore!]

I'm sorry, Claude, but having losing my own voice, I just couldn't take the life of something that sings. Except, perhaps, Michael Bolton. [Encore! Encore!]

We have German chocolate cake, and no Germans were killed in the making of it! [Encore! Encore!]

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Last Updated: 22 November 2002.
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