Mama, can I have a chauffeur? (Encore! Encore!)[28.7k WAV]

Ugh! Why didn't you just smother us in our cribs? (Encore! Encore!)[51.4k MP3]

I'm not drinking, too much! I really cut down! (Encore! Encore!)[43k WAV]

I can't learn to drive! (Encore! Encore!)[37.7k WAV]

I'm driving! A car! I'm driving a car! (Encore! Encore!)[85.7k MP3]

I still can't get over the two steering wheels. It's liking being here, and in England, at the same time. (Encore! Encore!)[80.8k MP3]

Fine! I just might do that. THANK you, mother! (Encore! Encore!)[50.5k WAV]

Oh, no you don't! I'm not letting you do this! ("Get off the brakes!") No! No! You get off the, the....thing that makes it go! ("The accelorator!") Thank you! (Encore! Encore!)[211k MP3]

No. No, this time I, I, I, I, I really mean it! ("Joe, listen to yourself. You're out of control.") But, I need a ride! And I need it bad! ("Joe, you've gotta get this monkey off your back.") [gasp] Just halfway? (Encore! Encore!)[232k MP3]

HELP! Nine-one-one! Niiiine! One! One! (Encore! Encore!)[61.2k MP3]

It's the law. (Encore! Encore!)[17.9k WAV]

Afterall, there are millions of women in the world. I should know. I've had most of them. (Encore! Encore!)[57.9k MP3]

Okay. A room full of people. Why isn't anyone yelling 'Surprise?' (Encore! Encore! [74.2k MP3]

Afraid? Afraid?! You're talking to a man who had a Poptart, yesterday! (Encore! Encore!)[80.8k MP3]

Oh, I don't know. I suppose you're right. But, when you say, 'YOU could hire a private instructor,' do you mean--? ("I'll make the call, for you.") I love you. (Encore! Encore!)[108k MP3]

Everyone, stop what you're doing! I have an important question. Does this need a scarf? (Encore! Encore!)[69.3k MP3]

("Yes, indeed. And you must be the famous Joe Pinoni.") Yes, I am. Always nice to meet a fan. Would you, uh, like an autograph? ("Oh, actually, actually when I said, 'famous,' I was just using it as an expression.") Well, it isn't! And if you insist on tossing it around, casually, like that, you're liable to hurt someone. Like a world-famous opera star! ("Uh, okay." So, so now, tell me, Joe. Now, now what do you do for a living?") I'm a world-famous opera star! (Encore! Encore!)[408k MP3]

Oh, now, isn't that just grand? Whatever happened to simple consideration? All right, crazy lady. Get in the car! You're driving me back into town! (Encore! Encore!)[108k MP3]

Ugh, please. What do you think they'll say? 'Driving instructor, Marty, dies. Mother really sorry?' Of course, not! It's going to say, 'World mourns death of renown singer, Joseph Pinoni. Second victim, unknown.' (Encore! Encore!) 182k MP3]

I'm just so excited about getting behind the wheel, for the first time! Honk! Honk! (Encore! Encore!)[61.1k MP3]

You will tell me, before you do that, won't you? (Encore! Encore!)[38.5k WAV]

[Birdcall sounds] (Encore! Encore!)[183k MP3]

I payed that back in chores, mama. You know that stack of clean laundry, you stack on my bed, doesn't just put itself away. (Encore! Encore!)[102k MP3]

It's looking a little ify. (Encore! Encore!)[31.4k MP3]

(Nathan talks about Encore! Encore!, among other things) (Letterman: 4 June 1996)[440k RM]

[Nathan makes jokes about George W. Bush & does a Rain Man impression] (Late Show With David Letterman)[596k MP3]

We've all been testing the wine. Now, now, are those leather? Nice leather we're having. ("I wore these for you.") Ooh. Ooh, who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? ("You are!") Okay. (Late Show With David Letterman)[133k MP3]

(And, I did my hair Valley Of The Dolls, just for you.") Oh, thank you! Yeah. A lot a good it did me. All right. (Late Show With David Letterman)[118k MP3]

[Nathan jokes about Ginko Biloba & alcohol] (Late Show With David Letterman)[224k MP3]

I know, I know. You love me now, but will you respect me in the morning? (Late Show With David Letterman)[76.5k WAV]

[Silly voice] Me no like funny name! (Late Show With David Letterman)[25.3k MP3]

[Nathan talks about how he feels when celebrities come up to him & not being up with his boy bands] (Late Show With David Letterman)[714k MP3]

But, hey, that's what show business is. Peaks and valleys. Or, as I call them, Cosmopolitans and anti-depressants. (Late Show With David Letterman)[93.8k MP3]

I see dead people. (Late Show With David Letterman)[24.8k MP3]

[Nathan in three roles doing a parody of "The Sixth Sense"] (Late Show With David Letterman)[1.04MB MP3]

[Nathan singing part of "Rawhide"] (Late Show With David Letterman)[79k WAV]

[Nun voice] Ruby red ones, aching to be touched. The most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I mean, apples! Apples! Not breasts. Apples. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[204k MP3]

I'm a bad boy. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[43.8k WAV]

[African-American parody song] (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[281k MP3]

[Chinese parody song] (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[168k MP3]

Oh! Dilbert! [laughs] He always gets me. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[67.7k MP3]

[Nun voice] Take it from Sister Wendy. These two people are doing it. And digging it! (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[93.8k MP3]

[French parody song] (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[219k MP3]

[Nun voice] I don't like it! Goodness, why didn't he just throw dog crap at a bus and call it art? Everyone knows you can't get it on with a can of soup. Although. No, you can't get it on with a can of soup. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[224k MP3]

[Woman voice] I like the gloves this way! It's more experimental! (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[38.3k MP3]

[Woman voice] Ah! Please leave the hooks, up near my private area, for me to fasten. ("Oh. Sure.") Unless you simply can't help yourself. [laughs] I don't hear you laughing, Vance. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[173k MP3]

[Irish parody song] (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[324k MP3]

Yes! One of the most irritating songs ever written. Hakuna Matata! (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[49.7k MP3]

[Italian parody song] (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[325k MP3]

[Jewish parody song] (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[14k MP3]

Ladies and gentleman, Metallica! (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[53k MP3]

[Mexican parody song] (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[217k MP3]

[Woman voice] One brief moment! (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[39k WAV]

[Nun voice] If Mother Superior thinks she can stop me from doing this show, and groovin' on these nudies, she can blow it out her keester! Cos I'm ridin' this bad boy all the way to Network. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[167k MP3]

Or, more accurately, who the hell cares? (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[53k MP3]

[Woman voice] You'll learn, that in the theatre, if you fly a pigeon of dismay over your producer's head, you'll be the one who's crapped upon. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[123k MP3]

[Woman voice] You may powder me, now. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[30.2k MP3]

[Nun voice] Which one will be taken, by the pensive young man, to the height of her desire? [laughs] Perhaps, they will all join in a tangle of silky limbs and fluffy pubic hair. Fluffy fluffy pubic hair. Fluffy! Like the head of a poodle! Some people get embarrassed when they say the word pubic. But, I don't. Pubic, pubic pubic! [laugh] (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[420k MP3]

Say, Webber. Who was that I saw raping your wife, last night? ("Well, that man was Will Rogers!") [boos] How 'bout Ginger Rogers? (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[162k MP3]

Thank you, thank you very much. Boy, it is a thrill to be here, tonight. Ha! Yes sir, it's great to be, uh, right here. In good old New York. Doing the uh, ha ha, the whole Saturday Night Live thing. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[240k MP3]

[Woman voice] My peppermint sticks, please! (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[35.1k MP3]

[Woman voice, singing] Excuse me, Mr. Santa Claus, Mrs. Christmas Tree is here! (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[77.5k MP3]

Turn me on! ("What?") I must be lit! (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[49.7k MP3]

[Woman voice] If you wished on a wish bone, where would you want to work? ("Well, I love the stage.") Please, Vance! You must not interrupt my vocal warm-ups. They are vital. If you wished on a wish bone, where would you want to work? If you--I would want to work in Winchita, Witchita! I-fuh, I fuh, fuh, fuh! Now, we can talk. (6 December 1997 Saturday Night Live)[356k MP3]

What are you wearing? You look like a fag vampire! (4 January 2003 Conan O'Brien)[28.5k MP3]

[Nathan tells the Don Rickles/"Fag Vampire" story] (4 January 2003 Conan O'Brien)[524k MP3]

[Nathan's recording phone call to the show saying he was sick and couldn't make it] (4 January 2003 Conan O'Brien)[284k MP3]

[laughs] Arise, young man! You've been transformed. You went to sleep a wretch. You awake, an actor. [laughs] (Nicholas Nickleby)[137k MP3]

Although? (Nicholas Nickleby)[5.61k MP3]

How are you to get up the sympahties of the audience if there isn't a little man contending against a bigger one? (Nicholas Nickleby)[61.4k MP3]

Dear me. Let it never be said that any man went hungry here, or here, when he was with Vincent Crummles. Boys! Set the table, at once! We shall adjourn to the dining room. (Nicholas Nickleby)[124k MP3]

Excuse moi. (Nicholas Nickleby)[12.5k MP3]

Without much? (Nicholas Nickleby)[9.69k MP3]

She is ten years of age, sir. ("Not more?") Not a day. ("My dear?") Yes? (Nicholas Nickleby)[69.8k MP3]

[laughs] Tremendous! Positively, tremendous! That'll be a double encore, if you take care, boys. Don't you concur? Was that not the very picture of excitement? (Nicholas Nickleby)[83.3k MP3]

[Vincent talks about the drinking circus pony] (Nicholas Nickleby)[225k MP3]

Somebody forgot his spear! (Nicholas Nickleby)[20.6k MP3]

I want my naked video back NOW! (So Graham Norton)[49.1k WAV]

By the way, I been backsta- I woulda been out sooner, but I was knitting you a scrotum to go with your, with the penis. (So Graham Norton)[100k MP3]

The evil pussy. (So Graham Norton)[14.4k WAV]

Hello! I'm Nathan Lane! (Great Performances 30th Anniversary Gala)[26.9k MP3]

And the host of Antiques Road Show offered to appraise my pants. We're having drinks, later! (Great Performances 30th Anniversary Gala)[71k MP3]

And since we're only pretending, drinks are on me! Ah-ha! I don't think they like me. (Great Performances 30th Anniversary Gala)[98.7k MP3]

Ha! Don't ever say I'm not a good actor! (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #1)[26.9k MP3]

And what is your problem, anyway? You've had a filibuster up your ass since the moment I walked in here. (You don't even know what a filibuster is!) Maybe you could take it out and show it to me! (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #1)[160k MP3]

Come on, admit it. I did good. (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #1)[26.9k MP3]

And your wearing those shoes with that skirt! (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #1)[28.5k MP3]

Yeah, white is so slimming. I looked like the Pilsbury Dough-Boy at a croquet tournament. ("Hahahahaha!") Careful, you don't want that plate comin' loose! (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #1)[154k MP3]

Mr. Speaker, I ask unanimous consent to address the house. (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #1)[48.1k MP3]

Are you tryin' to push me over the edge? Cos I'll go, baby. I'll go! (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #2)[46.5k MP3]

Oh, well, actually, I'm gay. (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #2)[20.4k MP3]

You don't hear that? (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #2)[8.97k MP3]

Well, it doesn't leave a lot of free time for hetrosexuality. Help me. ("Sir, we really have to get ready for the, the, the--") Yeah, thanks, Lightning. (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #2)[182k MP3]

No. Tell him I'm not here. I don't care, just don't let him wait another minute! Come right in, Chairman! (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #2)[90.6k MP3]

Next stop, Nerdsville! (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #2)[18.7k MP3]

I'll have you know, in France, I'm on a stamp. (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #2)[33.4k MP3]

Well, hello, Walter....ssss! (Charlie Lawrence - Episode #2)[31.8k MP3]

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Last Updated: 22 June 2003.
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