Three months later…
The happy squeals of his baby boy drew his attention back to the pool. He glanced at the young man with the curls as he swayed the kid back and forth in the crystal water. He had a wide smile on his face and Sam mimicked that look; they were happy now for the moment but his mind wondered to recent arguments, the scenes of the past few months…
“I’m gonna find a job” Justin smiled proudly as he stepped in front of Josh.
It had been a couple of weeks since they’d arrived in Los Angeles and Josh had yelled after him. It had been the happiest words Justin had ever heard. He’d turned around immediately and ran towards the pair, embracing them both in a hug without ever wanting to let go. Eventually of course he did and Josh had wanted him to move in immediately since he didn’t have a place to stay, he didn’t even have stuff to move so from now on Josh insisted Justin would call his house his home too and Justin had done so, gladly. He loved living there with Sam and Josh but he’d gotten restless and he needed to do something. He needed to help a little and with a job he thought he could do just that.
“How are you gonna do that?” Josh wondered as he stood.
“Well how do you think I’m gonna do that? I’m gonna apply for a job; here I found a perfect add, I’m gonna go check it out this afternoon” Justin told him happily.
“I wouldn’t do that” Josh told him in monotone before he pushed passed his lover to go to the kitchen.
“Why not?” Justin asked confused, his happy smile somewhat sliding. Josh turned swiftly, looking him in the eye with a sad expression in his own.
“Justin, I know you want to forget but you can’t. That is the first thing they will check” Josh informed his innocent boyfriend, not in the crime way of innocent because no he did commit the crime but he was still so young, so naïve, so innocent and he didn’t know how the business world worked.
“What do you mean?” Justin asked, his eyes clouding.
“When people hand in their résumés they always double check that and eventually they will find out…” Josh said, trailing off at the end, unwilling to finish his sentence.
“That I’m a fugitive” Justin finished regretful and the saddest expression Josh had ever seen passed his features. It cut through Josh like a knife and he wished he could have met Justin some other way or that he could have prevented him from robbing that store, could have prevented him from the childhood he’d had that forced him into the crime that would now haunt him for the rest of his life. Josh dropped his head, he didn’t want to be the guy who’d have to tell him that but it was better this than that he’d get caught at work; those people wouldn’t be so nice and they certainly wouldn’t comfort him or tell him that everything would be ok.
“Yeah” Josh acknowledged Justin’s statement.
Justin plumped down in the chair he was standing in front, ducking his head as he folded himself into the seat. He felt so useless, he’d always felt that way and now that he thought he finally found a solution it was swept away roughly just because… because he made a stupid mistake. He felt an arm wrap around his shoulders and he glanced up slightly, through his tears he saw Josh’s warm smile, trying to comfort him. Josh slid on Justin’s lap and hugged the younger boy to him, rocking back and forth, whispering it would be ok although he only saw one solution to this problem…
“I can’t believe you bought that” Justin exclaimed as they walked to their parked car.
“I like star wars, leave me alone” Josh huffed playfully.
“I can’t believe you…” Justin stopped abruptly as he caught site of the cop that was standing next to their car. Josh looked at Justin questionably before following his line of sight; he saw the cop and immediately understood Justin’s reaction. The cop spotted them and stepped towards them; Justin broke down in nervous sweat.
“I… I… um… Josh… I um… forgot something” Justin stammered before he turned quickly and walked away as fast and far away from the cop as possible. All the while trying not to sprint away as fast as he could. He dashed inside a store and waited about fifteen minutes before he carefully poked his head around the door to make sure the cop had left. Josh was standing next to the vehicle, waiting for him to come back. Josh hadn’t seen where Justin had gone off to because he’d been too busy talking to the cop; excusing him and making sure he wouldn’t get suspicious. It was handled well; Josh got a ticket nothing big but more importantly Justin didn’t get noticed, the cop had no clue.
Justin walked towards his boyfriend sheepishly.
“I’m sorry” he mumbled as he stood before him. It were simple things, daily things like this that constantly reminded him of the mistake he’d made a couple months ago. He saw the anger in Josh’s eyes, he saw he was getting fed up and he couldn’t blame him he was sick of it as well.
“Let’s go home” Josh said simply, he didn’t get into Justin’s apology it wasn’t the right place to discuss this and they needed to discuss this.
“I’m sorry, please don’t be mad” Justin pleaded as they stepped inside.
They’d been silent the whole drive back and Justin finally couldn’t take it anymore. Josh had held back for several weeks now, it was always a bad time. But now that Sam was at kindergarten they could discuss this.
“Justin I’m not mad. That’s not the point anyway” Josh told him as he turned towards him. Justin looked at him questionably, not sure what the point was then.
“You can’t keep doing this” Josh told him, starting simply.
“Doing what?”
“Running away like you did, being afraid of getting caught, avoiding the cops…” Josh trailed off as he saw Justin’s shoulders slump.
“Yes I can” he huffed.
“Justin you know you can’t” Josh countered.
“Then what do you think I should do?” he asked him a little angry; Josh thinking he always knew what the right thing was. He thought he knew what Justin had to do but Josh had no idea how he felt, he thought angrily as he challenged Josh to answer him.
“I think… I think…” Josh started twice, he couldn’t get it out. He’d been thinking about this for a while and it really was the only solution but he was afraid of Justin’s reaction, he was afraid what would happen, he was just afraid in general.
“What?!” Justin urged him a little desperate, wanting to know what he thought was best for him. Josh took a deep breath and looked his lover in the eye.
“I think you should…” he started once again, getting caught in his sentence once again. He took another deep breath,
“turn yourself in” he breathed, finishing his sentence. Justin took an involuntary step back, it was a reflex. He let the words sink in but didn’t understand why Josh had said that.
“What?!” he whispered dumbfounded.
“You can’t keep living like this, it’s the best” Josh explained him calmly; if he lost his temper now, things could go the wrong way.
“How the hell would you know?!” Justin snapped, he was terrified.
“How the hell would you know what’s best for me?!”
“I’m just trying to help you” Josh told him still calm although he didn’t feel calm.
“Trying to get rid of me you mean!!” he yelled back.
“Justin, you know that’s not true” Josh told him calmly as he stepped towards him but Justin backed away.
“Yes it is! Why else would you want to do that to me?!”
“I want to help you”
“No you don’t! You want to help yourself!!”
“No I don’t baby, I want what’s best for you and this isn’t it”
“You got no right to tell me what’s good for me! I’ll decide that myself!”
“Do you really feel that this is the way you want to live? Constantly being afraid, looking over your shoulder? Is that how you want it?” Justin said nothing, it was true, Josh was right but going to jail… no never.
“I’m not going to jail!” he told Josh determined.
“But…” Josh started, wanting to make him see this was the best solution. He’d wrecked his brain almost every night for the past weeks, trying to come up with a solution that wouldn’t involve Justin in a cell, that wouldn’t involve them living apart but he’d come up empty. It was the only solution and the only chance to a normal life.
“No Josh!! Leave. It” Justin managed through gritted teeth before he stormed out the door.
Josh was left crying on the floor, where he’d sagged down to his knees. He couldn’t take it anymore; he wanted them to be happy!
Was that too much to ask?
Was it too much to ask to just be a normal family?
The three of them happy together, watching Sam grow up and playing together in the backyard or in the park without having to worry when a cop strolled by on his daily route?
Why couldn’t they have that?
Why couldn’t they be normal?
He cried and cried, for all the unfairness in their lives, the previous and the present while he hoped their future would be spared from that.
He wanted to be happy with Justin and his son, that was all he was asking for.
Was that too much to ask?
Justin came back a couple of hours later with an apology for his outburst but he didn’t say anything about changing his mind and Josh figured Justin hadn’t changed his mind.
Josh had seen how truly afraid Justin had been when he’d mentioned the word jail, Josh had seen the fear in his eyes and so he didn’t bring up the subject that night.
They crawled into bed together, Sam in the room next to theirs and they spooned into each other. Although the bed wasn’t as small as the motel room beds had been, it gave them a sense of security, familiarity and it comforted them both. Josh wrapped his arms around Justin’s waist, pulling Justin against him. He kissed the top of his head, the curls tickling his nose and he smiled a small smile. Justin snuggled against him and was soon sound asleep, worn out from the events of the day.
Although Josh had dropped the issue for now, it didn’t mean he would forget about it altogether; when the timing was right he would bring it up again and he would try and try and try to change Justin’s mind so that one day they could have the normal life that they both deserved…
“You have to turn yourself in” Josh said calmly.
Three weeks later, Josh felt the timing was right. He’d given Justin some time to think about it and he believed Justin had done so. Occasionally he’d caught Justin to be absent and he really got the idea from the haunted and fearful expression in Justin’s eyes he couldn’t let that one evening go. The evening when Josh had first mentioned he should give himself up. Josh only hoped he’d changed his mind.
“No!” Justin denied, he still hadn’t changed his mind.
“We talked about this before Justin” Josh remembered him.
“I know Josh” he scoffed, “And I said no!”
Josh closed his eyes and before he could stop himself he gave him the choice.
“If you don’t do it I will”
Justin felt the air whoosh out of him as if he’d been punched in the stomach.
“Y…y…you… what?” Josh eyed him.
“If you don’t turn yourself in I will” Josh repeated confidently but he couldn’t make himself look at Justin.
There was no response.
Justin stood in front of his boyfriend, lover and savior. His shoulders slumped, his arms hung limp from his body, his mouth open from shock and he felt the tears well up in his eyes but he said nothing. Josh quickly looked up when the reaction he’d anticipated never came. He saw the bewildered and true hurt look on the boy’s face.
“Justin, baby” Josh said softly stepping towards him and taking his hands in his own.
“Please” he started softly.
“No!” Justin jerked away, pulling his hands out of Josh’s grip and stumbling backwards.
“Please” Josh whispered again, taking another step in Justin’s direction but Justin just moved further away.
“How can you say something like that!” Justin semi-yelled at him, making the slender man cringe.
“I don’t want us to have this life. I don’t want to live like a fugitive and I won’t”
“B…but”
“Justin I love you with all my hear and believe me the last thing I want is to not have you with me, but it will pay off in the long run”
“Easy for you to say! You won’t have to go to jail!”
“Well I didn’t rob that place” Josh countered angrily Justin was missing the essential here. He didn’t see the point.
“That’s not fair” Justin told him glaring.
“This life is not fair! It’s not fair to you, to me or to Sam. This avoiding the cops thing will work for maybe one year but not for ten or twenty. What if you need help but you can’t call the cops because you’re afraid they will bust you too? What if we would want to go on vacation outside of the US? What if you want to go to college? What if you get a parking ticket or get pulled over for a random check. What happens then? Will you run? Leave us behind? Demand that we go with you? What?…” Josh confronted. Justin didn’t answer, Josh had a point. His voice softening he continued,
“Justin you can’t live your life if you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, being afraid to get caught. You will never be able to find a job…”
“Oh is THAT what this is about, you think I’m using you for money!” Justin yelled, he knew perfectly well it was definitely not about the money but he did not want to go to jail so he hoped he could change the subject by luring Josh into an argument. But Josh saw right through Justin’s attempt and instead of yelling back he answered calmly.
“No Justin it’s just… we can’t live like that. I don’t want that life with you. I want to have a normal family; you, me and Sam being free to love each other and to do what we want. Please, I don’t want to loose you but I don’t want to live like that and neither should you” Josh finished. Justin tried to progress it all. He knew Josh had a point, knew he was right he just didn’t want him to be right. He’d known Josh was right all along but he was so scared, so scared to lose Josh, so scared to go to jail, so scared to be locked away for life. He didn’t want to consider giving himself up for all those reasons but he had thought about it. Josh eyed Justin, searching his face for signs as to what he was feeling but he couldn’t read his lover which only made him more frantic.
“I’m scared” Justin whispered. Josh was there in a heartbeat taking his hands in his.
“I know, so am I but we’ll get through this together” Josh whispered gazing into those beautiful blue eyes before encircling Justin in his arms.
“I love you” he whispered.
And slowly, so slowly Justin had come to turn around. He’d changed his mind ever so slowly. More convinced every day that giving himself up really was the best solution. However that didn’t make it easier, he was no less scared and going to jail didn’t seem any different but he was willing to go if that meant somewhere along the lines he could have a normal family as well.
They’d set a date together; strange maybe but that way they both knew where they stood. Justin knew that if they didn’t he would keep postponing it till he would eventually not do it at all. Then he would get caught and not by free will. They wouldn’t have any say in the matter if that happened and they wouldn’t be prepared for it then so they set a date. Tomorrow was that date, they would go to the police station and Justin would truly give himself up. They’d talked about it a lot over the last couple of weeks, they had talked about everything and Josh had a mixed feeling about the whole situation.
He was happy he’d convinced Justin but what would come of it?
Would he ever see Justin again after that?
Would they still be the same after he would get out of jail?
How long would he have to go to jail?
All those thoughts haunted him at night and the closer tomorrow came the more times it also haunted him during the day. He glanced at Justin in the swimming pool. He was enjoying himself but he also saw Justin was aware that this would be his last free moment with Sam and that saddened Josh to the bone.
Please let him be ok…
Josh placed gentle kisses on his boyfriend’s cheek, caressing him to the best of his ability. It was their last night together and Justin felt as if he was dying. The last time to do this, the last time to do that… because that was how it felt. However he didn’t think about what his life would be like after he would get out of jail. He knew he would have to keep that frame in mind during his sentence; it would keep him going, it would constantly remind him that he was doing the right thing, that everything would be ok and mainly that this was not the end of their lovely relationship; this was only the beginning.
“I love you Josh” Justin whispered, settling himself in the crook of Josh’s neck, feeling safe.
“I love you too baby, don’t worry everything will be ok” Josh reassured him, as their hands entwined. They held each other almost desperately, trying to enjoy this but it was so hard with the thought of what would happen tomorrow. They couldn’t shake it, although they both tried, they just couldn’t.
“I want you Josh” Justin told his boyfriend softly, needing to feel Josh against him for one last time. He needed to feel Josh, have Josh touch him and let him love him and to have it last forever. Their lips met and they kissed gently, passionately, enjoying each other’s taste as best as they could manage. Justin’s hands traveled over Josh’s slim and beautiful body and he pushed the thought out of his head; the last time they would share this bed in God only knew how long… He pushed it away and fell into Josh’s touch, savoring it, mentally storing it in his brain. They made sweet, gentle love and then fell asleep in each other’s arms, both praying it would somehow all work out and be for the best in the long run…
