“Could you please put the gun away, you’re scaring my son” Josh said to Justin that night when they took residence in a motel room. It was late and Josh was tired. The last few hours had been exhausting, it was too quiet in the car and that ate at him. Justin nodded somewhat before putting the gun in the waistband of his pants, hiding it but keeping it close just in case.

Josh disappeared with Sam into the bathroom and laid him down over the covered sink, getting him ready for bed. A pillow underneath him as Josh stripped his son’s pants. He grabbed for the changing bag, opening it and grasping blindly.

“Oh shit” Josh cursed lightly, hitting himself in the head mentally as he saw the changing back no longer held any diapers. He dropped his head onto his right hand, sighing heavily. He’d forgotten to put some diapers in there after he’d changed Sam at the last gas station. Justin had been on his case to move and he’d forgotten he’d used the last diaper. There were more in the car he thought but he’d have to get them and didn’t want to leave Sam here alone with Justin. He could also not change him but from the smell that radiated from his son he knew that wasn’t an option either. He opened the bathroom door and found Justin blankly staring at the TV.

“Can I… I need to…” Josh stuttered gesturing lightly with his arms, still standing in the door to keep an eye on his son making sure he didn’t roll off the sink.

“What?” Justin asked lightly, his voice wasn’t exasperated and that gave Josh courage.

“I don’t have any diapers with me, can I go get them in the car?”

“Uh, yeah… ok” Justin said, unprepared for that request.

“Sam is in the bathroom, can you… I mean, please don’t…” Josh stuttered, asking Justin to watch his son and at the same time not to hurt him. It was a strange request and an even stranger sentence but Justin understood and stood up. He simply nodded with a knowing smile, trying to reassure Josh but Josh wasn’t reassured, not by a long shot. Josh reluctantly left the room as Justin disappeared into the bathroom.

“Hey kid” Josh faintly heard Justin say before he ran towards the car on the parking lot.

“You got a bear just like mine” Justin told Sam who was staring up at Justin with wide curious eyes. Justin smiled sadly,

“I miss him, he always helped me…” he let his sentence trail.

“What have I done?” he asked with tears in his eyes. The child looked at him with big blue eyes, just like his father’s, making Justin believe the kid was listening and understanding it all. He held the bear up and brought it back down. Justin laughed sarcastically.

“Yeah, you probably don’t care about this. I threatened your dad. I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t supposed to go this way” he said angry with himself.

He couldn’t even do this right!

Was he really a screw up?

A loser?

Like his father had told him more times than he could count. He was startled as the door opened and Josh stepped in. Justin quickly wiped away his tears and turned away from Josh as he disappeared out of the bathroom, heading towards the front door, closing it softly behind him. Josh watched him go, surprised he would leave like this when he’d been watching him like a hawk, all nervous, all day. Josh understood this was his chance to get away, to take his son and himself to safety. He looked at the little boy, his son, he smiled. He was staring back at him with wide eyes, throwing his arms in the air as to say; I don’t know either dad.

Justin squatted down on the pavement, hugging his knees as he stared out in front of him. The gun poking in his belly the constant reminder of the mistake he’d made. Tears build in his eyes again and he let them fall. Unable to stop them.

Josh understood that this was his shot to get away when he carefully peeked out the window and saw no sign of the young man.

He knew that this was his chance but then why did he not move an inch?

Something held him back and he was vaguely aware of the fact that it had to do with the young man that had just walked away. He made no move to get away and was just as surprised about it as Justin when he walked in a while later.

“You still here?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed as he saw Josh sitting on the bed with Sam on his lap, cradling the boy in his arms.

Josh simply nodded as he looked from the sleeping infant in his arms to the young man in the doorway. Justin quickly turned away from his stare as he closed the door but Josh had seen the red and puffy eyes, intriguing him even more. He didn’t ask however and Justin didn’t offer an explanation. Justin turned his back towards Josh and stripped off his pants, the gun falling to the floor with a loud thud. Justin cringed, he eyed the gun for a moment but didn’t bend to pick it up. He turned his back towards the gun and climbed in bed, aware of Josh’s eyes on him he turned on his side; away from Josh.

Josh sighed inaudible as he looked between the young boy in the bed and the gun lying on the floor only a couple feet away from him. He could easily pick up the gun and threaten Justin, call the cops and have this nightmare over with. But he didn’t. He didn’t know why but he didn’t, he carefully placed Sam on the bed before stripping off his own pants and settling down next to his son. He pulled the boy close to him, encircling him with his arms before pulling the blankets over them. He sighed once again, closing his eyes as he waited for sleep to overtake him.

“I’m sorry”

It was just barely a whisper but Josh’s attention was peeked. He opened his tired eyes abruptly.

“I’m sorry I threatened you, I’m sorry if I scared your son. I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t supposed to go this way” Justin’s word where full of remorse. He hadn’t fallen asleep like he’d let Josh believe. Josh was also still awake, although barely.

They’d settled in for sleep only fifteen minutes earlier and that had left Justin with all his thoughts and memories. He thought about the day, how things had gone from bad to worse in no time. About the things he’d said to Josh, about how Josh had looked at him. About that little boy Sam who had nothing to do with his problems and still he dragged him with him. He felt nothing but shame and guilt, he couldn’t keep it in anymore and he apologized to Josh for everything he’d done in the confines of the darkness; the things Josh knew he’d done and the things he didn’t know.

“Then how was it supposed to go?” Josh asked carefully, taking advantage of the temporarily weakness of the other guy. Small sobs could be heard throughout the room, Josh also heard Justin was trying to suppress them. Josh unconsciously stroked his son’s hair as he waited for an answer. Several minutes later Josh no longer heard suppressed sobs or hiccups and Josh thought the boy had fallen asleep. Justin wiped his eyes before running a hand under his nose, still sniffling he said,

“It wasn’t supposed to go this way. I don’t know how things went so wrong so fast…” the voice trailed off, probably he was reliving something but Josh still had no idea what that was. Josh had no idea what had gone so wrong so fast and he wanted to know.

“What happened?” Josh dared to ask. But the answer he got only brought up more questions.

“I didn’t think things through, I am a screw up, my dad was right all along. I can’t do anything right” Justin’s words were interrupted by small sobs slowly picking up speed but he pressed his face in his pillow. He didn’t want to wake the young boy.

“I’ll let you go tomorrow. I’ll get out of your way. I messed up your lives enough. I’m sorry” Justin said when he got himself back together somewhat. His voice was soft and sweet, tears still welling up in his eyes.

Josh felt relieved but he also felt the need to help this young boy. However Justin didn’t give him that chance as he turned his back towards Josh, closing himself off physically. Josh sighed, his mind replaying the tiny bits of information Justin had revealed to him. Sam shifted in his arms, he glanced down at the small boy; he would be safe now but would Justin be safe too, would he be ok? He closed his eyes, letting sleep overtake him. It didn’t take long this time; it had been a long and stressful day.