“Do you mind if I sit here?” a voice asked the next day as Justin was eating lunch, by himself once again. But apparently not for long. He looked up slowly, already recognizing the voice; Josh.

“Uh no” Justin answered because he didn’t mind, he didn’t have to be rude and hanging out at school was different than going to his house. It was more personal and more personal meant more hurt.

“You don’t have to ask everytime” Justin reassured him, smiling slightly.

“Thanks” Josh said, sitting down opposite of him. Josh started his lunch as well but neither said anything. They ate in silence, a few smiles were shared between them as both were lost in their own thoughts.

They sat together for the rest of the week but not much was said. They didn’t need it though, the friendly, maybe more than friendly, smiles were all they needed. Although Josh did want to ask a few questions; he did want to talk, he wanted to get to know this boy but he didn’t ask anything. Justin really didn’t seem to want him to. Justin, even without saying anything, send out the message that he didn’t want to talk. Or Josh got that vibe when he sat with him, maybe he was wrong... maybe not. He didn’t know. Justin didn’t try to talk to him either and apart from the occasional talks about certain homework assignments or teachers they both had, not much more was being said between them. Josh didn’t ask again if he wanted to come over and although it made Justin a little sad; he knew it was better this way.

Second week, Tuesday afternoon. Josh decided that after a whole week off minimum talk and sweet smiles it was time to try again to invite Justin over. He thought he’d heard reluctance and hesitation in Justin’s voice that Monday night when he’d first tried to invite him and he’d heard it that first day at lunch too but he couldn’t help but ask again; he liked Justin and he wanted to get to know him. He could always try. And so he did.

“You wanna meet up later?” Josh asked, trying to act casual but knowing he was failing. Justin met Josh’s eyes slowly, wrinkling his forehead, shaking his head before he answered him.

“I can’t” he said, the truth and a lie at the same time.

“I told my mom I’d help her unpack” again the truth and a lie. He’d never helped her before but he could. And well he couldn’t really meet up with Josh but he could. It was too complicated.

“Oh” Josh said, disappointed.

“I’m sorry” Justin said honestly feeling bad, his face scrunched up, he didn’t want to hurt Josh. He gave Josh another apologetic small smile before he turned and walked away. Feeling bad but knowing it would be for the best in the long run.

Josh watched shocked as Justin walked away from him, almost too quickly. The negative answer to his question still ringing in his ears. Justin had once again declined his invitation, had rejected him and Josh didn’t know what to think. He’d heard a sad tone in his voice this time. He thought Justin liked him but then why did he keep pushing him away? Why didn’t he want to hang out together? Justin was special; Josh could feel it. He was different and Josh really liked him but he wasn’t sure anymore, did Justin feel the same?

He decided the only way he was going to find out was to ask him; again. And more importantly; ask for an explanation if he refused again.

“You wanna come over?” Josh asked, he felt attracted to this boy. He really did and he just didn’t understand why Justin didn’t want to meet up.

“Uh no” Justin declined with an apologetic smile.

“Thanks though” Justin added, the apology still in his eyes. He wanted to be honest though, he didn’t want to lead him on. He liked to eat with him at lunch but there was no chance of something more. The reason to decline always the same; he didn’t want to get hurt if they’d have to separate. Of course he didn’t want Josh to get hurt either. Because he did like Josh and he had a feeling Josh liked him too and that was just the bad thing about it all because with those ingredients it was just bound to end in heartache.

“Why not?” he asked uncertain, afraid to hear the answer and getting rejected. He just didn’t understand why Justin kept declining; did he really not like him? Were his instincts that said Justin did like him so wrong? Justin said nothing, as he thought of an answer Josh eyed him.

“If you don’t like me sitting with you or if you don’t want to come over, you can tell me” Josh said, acting as if he wanted to know the truth, as if he was sure it wouldn’t hurt but actually he was terrified it would hurt, terrified he would get rejected but knowing that if Justin confirmed it, it would definitely hurt.

“It’s not that” Justin denied quickly; he didn’t want Josh to get the wrong idea.

“Then what is it?” Josh asked gently. Justin sighed. He decided to tell in order to reassure Josh that it indeed wasn’t him that held him back.

“I like you Josh” Justin said honestly. Josh smiled.

“I really do but...” he sighed once again.

“But what?” Josh asked, scrunching up his face in anticipation of hurt as yet.

“But... it’s no use” Justin said sadly, revealing his reason finally.

“No use?” Josh repeated in confusion.

“Yes”

“Why not?”

“I um... move around a lot”

“So?” Josh asked, not really understanding why that meant they couldn’t hang out.

“So I will move again and I don’t want to make friends” Justin revealed why he’d been pushing Josh away.

“Because I’ll just have to leave the few friends I make behind and I’ve had to do that too many times before”

“Is that really why you keep pushing me away?” Josh asked gently.

Justin nodded sadly, ducking his head a little.

“But Justin,” Josh started, not really understanding.

“You can’t push everyone away, you can’t stop yourself from making friends” he reasoned. Justin knew it was true but Josh didn’t understand how it felt to have to leave people you like. He knew Josh would probably have done the same if he were in his shoes.

“Yes I can. You don’t understand how it feels to have to leave people behind time and time again” Justin argued a little angry, how could Josh judge him. He didn’t know how much it hurts to have to leave just new made friends.

“No I don’t” Josh agreed.

“But I do know what it feels like to be alone and I know that hurts too” he said honestly. He’d spent a good part of last year alone because a few guys in his class had discovered he was gay. They’d played their cards right and for almost four months Josh had been left alone by the whole school. Eventually it had blown over and slowly people forgot about what had happened and allowed him back into the social world. He’d made new friends but he would never forget those few months wherein he’d been alone. It had been a very difficult time and he couldn’t believe someone would choose the loneliness voluntarily.

Justin ducked his head. Josh was right; being alone hurt too definitely but after having to deal with the hurt of leaving people behind for years he found the heartache of loneliness to be bearable, for now anyway. He was doomed to hurt anyway because whether he choose to be lonely or make friends, it would hurt either way but the hurt of loneliness was still bearable, he didn’t know how long that would last though.

“Yeah,” Justin said softly.

“It does but I have to choose the least out of two evils”

“I know” Josh sympathized.

“But isn’t having fun even if it’s just for a little while, better than being alone all the time?” Josh asked, softly but confronting. Justin shook his head.

“I don’t know anymore” Josh stepped closer, slowly hugging him, cautiously, giving Justin the opportunity to step away. But he didn’t. Justin let himself be hugged silently letting Josh in.

“You wanna come over?” a voice asked behind him. Josh twirled around startled, meeting blue eyes and they were sparkling.

“What?” Josh asked, taken aback, not grasping the words immediately. Not sure they were real.

“Do you wanna come over later?” Justin repeated without hesitation and a smile on his face.

“You sure?” Josh asked, knowing that it was a pretty big deal for Justin to invite him over.

“Yes” Justin said with a nod, determined and happy. Josh smiled.

“I’m glad”

It had taken a while for Justin to come to the conclusion that he indeed wanted to befriend Josh. He liked Josh, he was different and he knew Josh was right. Being alone hurt yes but the last few times it had been better than making friends. However this time, being alone wasn’t better than making friends, not when Josh was the friend and although they both knew it wouldn’t last forever, hell it probably wouldn’t even last a year, he knew it would be worth it. At least Justin thought Josh was worth the hurt they’d both feel in the end and he knew Josh felt the same because otherwise he wouldn’t have come back time and time again.

“So you’ll come?” Justin asked hopefully, the smile brighter than ever. Josh mimicked the smile, wondering how Justin could ask this; he already knew the answer but for Justin he answered never the same.

“Of course”

“Hey what’s this?” Josh asked curiously as he spotted something in the corner when he looked around Justin’s room. He liked that, he was always curious how other people lived. What other people’s houses looked like. So when Justin had led him upstairs to his room after introducing him to his mother Josh looked around the room. Noting how empty it was.

Justin had noticed how Josh frowned at all the empty spots. Despite the conversation he’d had with his mother after just moving in, he hadn’t unpacked all of his boxes like she’d asked. He was convinced that it was no use, not worth the trouble or his time but he had unpacked a few more just for his mother. He didn’t want to make her feel bad, it wasn’t her fault either but still he didn’t unpack them all. He’d simply explained it to Josh by saying; it’ll save me time when I’ll have to pack again. Josh smiled sadly, changing the subject as something caught his eyes. A rolled up map, in the corner. He stepped up to it, stretching his hand towards it.

“Do you mind?” Josh asked suddenly, half turning towards Justin.

“No” Justin shook his head and watched how Josh pulled out the rolled up paper. He grasped one end and let it roll itself out.

“Wow” he said truly amazed when he saw what the rolled up paper was exactly.

“This is cool” Josh breathed, studying it more closely. It was a map, a map of the United States of America with marked spots all over the country. The dots were numbered and here and there pictures of the city stuck next to the dots. It looked really cool and Josh assumed this was an overall picture of all the places Justin had lived and frankly Josh was amazed. Because this was a lot, the numbers and thus cities went up to 22 and Baltimore wasn’t even included.

“Yeah” Justin sighed.

“You lived in all these places?” Josh asked, still checking over the map. Justin had practically lived all over the country. Every part, every big city. Josh now fully understood why Justin was so afraid to get close to someone. He must have moved at least every six months to be able to live in all those places.

“Uh huh” Justin nodded slowly.

“You should put it up” Josh suggested, wondering why such a beautiful thing was stashed away in a corner.

“No” Justin shook his head.

“Why not, it looks amazing” Josh asked, looking up from the map for the first time.

“I was born in Memphis, Tennessee but I don’t even remember living there, we moved again when I was 10 months old” Justin started slowly.

“We had a beautiful house in New Orleans, Louisiana but I couldn’t enjoy it, not really, because we moved seven months later” he added, tears in his eyes.

“I joined the basketball team when we lived in Orlando, Florida; I was ten but we moved before the end of the season” Justin told him, another revelation.

“I made that map when I was eleven, with a little help from my mom so I could keep up with all the places I’ve lived in but I don’t want to be reminded of moving so much” Justin said softly, wiping at his tears. Josh nodded in understanding, feeling bad.

“I’m sorry”

“Not your fault” Justin said softly but with a reassuring smile. Josh returned the smile, rolling up the paper and placing it back in the corner where he’d found it, respecting Justin’s wish although he thought it was a shame.

“Oh wow, you even have a basketball court” Josh said amazed as he went to the window that looked out over the garden.

“Yeah” Justin said with a small smile on his face. It was the only good thing about living here. Actually all the houses they’d lived in were pretty big. They were nice and comfortable. They however never had a say in which house they got, it got taken care of and there was always a house ready where they could move into when Randy was called to the next city. Justin knew he shouldn’t complain, he was just glad it wasn’t necessary for them to live on the base. He knew that would have been worse. He already felt like an outcast.

“What you mean, you play too?” Justin asked suddenly. He hadn’t had someone to play basketball with for a long time. It wasn’t worth the trouble to try out for the basketball team either. And after playing by yourself for months and months; it got old fast.

“Yeah” Josh nodded, he wasn’t apart of the basketball team, he didn’t really want to be. He just enjoyed to play now and then.

“Would you... I mean... do you want to play now?” Justin asked, almost too eagerly.

“Sure” Josh nodded, seeing how much Justin wanted it.

“Come on” Justin urged suddenly, the words had barely left his mouth before Justin dived into his closet to fetch his basketball. Moments later he was already standing by the door, gesturing for Josh to follow him. Josh followed with a smile, somewhat sad too because he had a feeling he knew why Justin was so eager to play basketball with him.

It was big that Justin had invited him over and Josh had more than enjoyed it, especially because he knew it was big. Justin knew he’d taken a big step in inviting Josh over to hang out with him but he was sure it was worth it. He hadn’t played basketball with someone for so long and he hadn’t enjoyed himself for so long. He knew it would hurt in the end but for now he didn’t care. He didn’t want to think about it because it was no use. He wouldn’t be able to stop it anyway and Josh was right; being alone hurt and he didn’t want to be alone anymore. And with Josh as his friend; he didn’t have to be.