Why did this happen?
It is sad that we will never know the real reason Matt did as he did. It’s virtually impossible to believe that a man who was so alive, and so in love with the world, would choose to leave it.

I don’t believe for one moment that he really thought that it would hurt us so deeply for so long. I think he believed he was doing what was best for everyone. I also think that we all agree that we disagree with that choice.

. Over the last few years of Matt’s life, many things went terribly wrong. I won’t go into detail about it. Let it suffice to say that Matt wouldn’t want anyone to know all the troubles and embarrassments that we endured during that time. Some were so severe that I am struggling to correct them to this very day three and a half years later. .

All I can say for certain is that we love him.

I think that Matt knew that he was whithering away, and didn’t want any of us, most especially his boys, to remember him that way, but preferred us to remember him as virile… laughing… strong… and more beautiful than any man I have ever known (or even seen) in my life. .

I met a man when I was working for Symbol Tech., whom I will leave nameless, that had attempted suicide more than once. I asked of him the reasons why a man would do such a thing. It was hard for him to talk about it, but he did so in the hopes that it would help me. I am sharing it now, with you, in the hopes of the same.

He tried to explain to me that a man is raised, as are women, to fulfill certain roles and expectations in life. If a man ever truly feels that he has failed at this, or that he cannot continue with the struggle to maintain this any longer, then he feels that he is no longer a man, and there for a ghost walking the earth. If you are a ghost, you are dead already, and it causes more harm for you to stay than it would for you to go… let others get on with their lives. :

He looked so sad as he told me this. .

I begged of him, “You don’t really believe that do you? Not that I’m mocking you, but you can’t possibly really believe that your family and friends would rather be rid of you then helping you get through your troubles?”

“Yes… we really do, Liz.”

It broke my heart to hear this and I had to leave work… I couldn’t stop crying. How could he ever think that I, or anyone else would be better off with out him? How could he believe that I would ever be able to move on, forget him, stop loving him?

I can’t! Can you?

I am in a relationship with another man… It’s not the first one either. And yes, I do have love for him. But not a passionate love. More a love of familiarity than anything else. He tries to be good to us, and I believe that he honestly loves the boys. That is an incredible thing in and of itself, to take on the children of another and come to love them, wish to father them, provide for them. I don’t take it for granted, trust in that…

But the poor man is constantly being compared to a man that I loved with every cell in my body, with every thought in my mind and heart. How could any man ever hope to compare? Worse, how can he ever hope to win a competition for a woman’s heart against a ghost… a memory?

Not to mention the fact that I was so deeply hurt by Matt’s abandonment, though I know he didn’t mean for it to be that, that I don’t seem to be able to let go and trust this man to stay. I’m so afraid of being hurt again that I can’t seem to give myself to him… put myself in his care and keeping.

Does Matt look down from heaven and see me weeping still over his picture? Has he heard Scott and I fight over the placement of Matt’s urn in the living room? Does he hear me comparing Scott to him in the heat of an argument?

“Matt always opened the door for me!”

“Matt never criticized me with out sandwiching it in love!”

“Matt made me want to go above and beyond for him because He appreciated me!”

Poor Scott. He never knew Matt and is being hurt by his death.

And this doesn’t even touch on the boys .

Matty being mad at me for not being able to stop him. How could I? I didn’t know! I didn’t know how bad it was for Matt. I didn’t see the signs until it was too late. I never in a million years thought that it would come to this. He had work coming in, it was just entering in to his favorite time of year, we had camp outs planned, we had friends, we had a home, we were a family! A family filled with love if nothing else. Gad, I have to get the photo gallery up and running so you can all see.



Matty resembles him strongly as a child and is as charming and flamboyant as Matt. Stevie bears a strong resemblance of Matt as an adult and has his wacky imagination and sense of humor. And Pauly has his hands… His magical hands… and the inquisitiveness that come along with them. And He’s Missing It!!!

And they’re missing it too. So am I. So are you .

I know Matt is sad to see people blaming themselves and others for his death. It’s not something that others have control over. “If I had only done this!” and “If she/he had only done that!”

It’s no ones fault. Matt made this decision on his own. He gave up. He felt alone and unloved despite all of our efforts. He needed something more… Something none of us could provide him, something he felt was unobtainable. I wish I knew what it was so I could have at least tried. I still can’t get over the fact that he didn’t come to me. We were best friends. He used to tell me everything.

He would be so proud of Matty. Matty has joined the orchestra and is playing cello. He also is in the recorder club, and the elite chorus. His academics are good too.

He would be blown away by Stevie’s size and personality. And he’s a good student too.

Pauly would still be his pooky bear, and probably his personal assistant with any kind of repair work.

He would be having so much fun with them all.

I think Matt is happy that I have continued in the tradition of backyard fires, and Scott bought the boys at tent (at my request) so that they could have sleep outs in the summer. Matt now knows how to build and light a fire, and put it out. I think it’s important to know how to stop the fire too.

We roast marshmallows and have toasts to ‘Dad’ all the time… Weather permitting of course. And Scott joins in and encourages them to talk about Matt.

Scott and I have a daughter together… born on Matt’s birthday 2004. The boys absolutely adore her.

And I want to take a moment to express my condolences to Aunt June, Gabby, Chris, and all the family for the loss of dear Uncle John. I’m sure that Matt and Uncle John are working together and hunting together up in heaven having a great ol’ time. I know how much Matt loved him.

Anyway, I’ve gone on too long. And as always, if you have a story you would like me to add to this site, send it along and I’ll be more than happy to post it. Not that any of you have done so yet, but I keep hoping.

My love and prayers to all.



Liz
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