a story I wrote...
With a groan I tried to open my eyes. I felt complete terror and aloneness. I had no idea where I was or what had happened. I wasn't sure whether I was dead or alive. I was nowhere. All I saw was the inside of my eyelids; complete darkness. My senses were screaming the signs of an alive body, but that was impossible, I wasn't able to move. Frantically I tried revive myself once again by desperately trying to move my limp apphendages. I screamed at my arms to raise up but they gave no response. I pleaded with my knees to bend yet it was as if they had suddenly gone deaf. Despite my commands my condition wouldn't change. A dread now engulfed my unmoving body and like a broken record the words, "I am dead" played themselves over and over again on the turntable of my mind. Never had I imagined what death would be like but now it was all too farmiliar. I was trapped. I wanted to scream. So I opened my mouth like I never had before, " SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!" but, all that came out was a slight whisper. With everything I had in me, I forced my eyes open. I realized I was on the floor of my bedroom. My eyes began to search the room for some clue, but my search was cut short when I realized I couldn't move my head. I needed something. Every beat of my heart seemed to spread a hopelessness to a new expanse of my body. I never knew how many dreams I wanted to accomplish, that is, until the chance to fulfill them was taken away. I lyed there thinking about all the things I had taken for granted in life, walking, loving, saying "hello" to someone, even something as simple as scratching my nose would have brought me to tears, that is, if I were able to cry. I wanted an answer, it was only then that I started to remember....
I remembered all those nights I spent alone, crying myself to sleep. I remembered even though I was loved I was completely alone. I never liked or even accepted who I was. I remembered screaming for attention, but most of all I remembered how no one noticed how desperate I was for it. I remembered my friends. I think I thought about everyone who ever entered into my life at that moment. I remembered every tear, every joy, everything. Lastly, I thought about the day, this day. I remembered waking up. It was rainy outside but altogether a good day. I remembered wanting to say goodbye to my mom and day but they had been out of town. I remembered going to school. I appologized to everyone I loved, no one asked why I was saying I was sorry. I remembered walking home from school, I walked in the door to my house, I sat down and typed a letter to a friend who lived far away, I remembered crying as I wrote that last good-bye. After sending the letter I walked up stairs full of hate, pain and solitude. I opened the door to my room, went over to my desk, and took out the gun. I raised it slowly to my head....at that moment I started shaking, doubting myself, cursing myself, hating myself.....I didn't want to be what I was about to become, but I also couldn't live how I was living. I didn't feel I had a choice. So after a few shattered thoughts and justifications I put the gun closer to my head and with a burst of adrenaline, I pulled the cold trigger. I don't remember feeling anything after that. I don't remember feeling any sort of pain, or happiness. I just remember everything going black. And now after only a few short minutes I was able to think. It was only then that I realized that I didn't want to die. Not being able to think started to slowly drive me insane. I had things I needed to say. I wanted to scream out. I wanted to go back in time. I wanted to again be at the point where the gun was at my head, where the tears were streaming down my face, and I wanted to make a different dicision. I no longer wanted to be a stastic, I wanted to be someone who made something of their life. I didn't want to be a vegitable who couldn't move or love or cry. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy....I wanted to be.....
Slowly I drew in a breath as my thoughts dropped, I began to feel dizzy and everything once again turned black. I felt a pain as if I was being strangled. I saw the Grim Reaper dash through the shadows of my room, spreading an icy death throughout it's walls. I felt like I was drowning but I knew it was only the blood sitting in my throat. If only I could turn over enough to drain it...or make the muscles in my throat respond and swallow it, but I knew what my fate would be, I knew I would suffer for a while and be gone. My parents would get home in the morning, walk into this room, and find me dead. I knew it and I also knew I couldn't change it. I closed my eyes, wanting to live, but I had lost the will to fight death off long ago. I wanted to sleep, dream, anything. But I was forced to lay here and suffer and think. And I knew I had now become what I always feared most. And I was going to die more alone and more scared and more pathetic then when I was alive. I whispered "good-bye" perhaps only in my head, I could no long er tell. I wanted to tell everyone what I had just been through. I wanted to tell them how I had gained more wisdom in the past few minutes then in the past fourteen years of my life. I wanted to share this wisdom, I wanted everyone to understand how precious their life is. But, all of this would go with me. Others would go against thier own will and their own doubts and they would pull the trigger and perhaps some will suffer like this. They will throw it all away breaking every promise, forgetting everything. WIth these final thoughts, I left. I wasn't sure where I was going and it didn't matter. I had no more decisions to make. I would never again say, "I love you" I would never get married or have children...I would never be happy. I would never again see a movie or sing. I wouldn't see another sunrise or hold a friend while they cried. I had become in my madness and focused only on my pain and rejection. I felt a tear run down my cheek, the only think I knew in all of this that could be real. I begged God to take this away. I promised him things I knew I could never fulfill, yet I knew with all my doubts it was over. This was it. I always wondered what I would become or how everything would turn out. And this, this was it. Slowly veiled in the drug of thought I left this cold world and have hurt everyone I ever loved and crushed everything I had ever built up. And now I wonder if it was really worth it and I wondered what I could have become......
Email: thegirl20@hotmail.com