November 10:th - 99
I've kinda given up.. my magic, my sleep, my walks..well, most things..lately. And i feel so baad! i thought that none of it really helped..That i didnt get nothing back, worth the trouble, beeing alive..but now when i've quit trying i realize how much better i felt before. It's just the way it is..I dont survive without my rituals, the daily dose of the elements..meditation, and all that. My parents have been pickin at me for a long time, for lighting candles..and eventually, i quit. I haven't done it for more than half a year. And see what happens..? *points at herself* I'm fading, mann. I mean it.
No light -- No life!

I've been sick for 9 months! My body's fading.. My mind, too.. my Sanity.
See that's what obeyance, leads to..
~ Destruction.

November 12:th 99
Uhmmm.........i feel numb, and tired. Speechless.

Nov. 14:th -99-
I'm upset. ...because something i saw on TV (btw..Malcolm X's daughter..is Wunderbaaahr!) and there's a teenybopper accusing me for beeing a satanist ~grin~ Mais non...! well..it bother's me a little. thats the way i am..
Uhmmm....I figured i might wanna try and go to film school this spring *s* And hopefully i'll find a little place to live then, too...on my own...or, if i can..with someone i'd Want to live with..It's Cool! =)
I feel slightly better today.... Not as 'dead' as before...
Lighting fires is good.... Not that i did that today... but i thought of it. I just stood and cleansed myself in the smoke of someone elses burning leaves... And it was like the wind intended to heal me. It's funny.... Before..when i've lit fires, just me and some friend, outside, at night... It always rained when we started. But when i asked the clouds..(yes- you heard me) to move away for alittle while, let us finish our ritual, and come back when were done and put out the fire for us..They always did. It stopped raining. And right when we got our stuff and were ready to go home after a few hours, rain or snow always started to pour down, maniacly. ..well .. If you are on nature's side..Nature is on yours, too...i take it.

November 16:th
I hate. Very much so. I think i'm really ugly...and that makes me even uglier. ehh...i'll write later.

25/26-11-99-
........................Well well...
I'm doin ok. At this moment.
Though ..i've noticed that i've forgotten my body, kinda. I cant hardly feel it at all. Not even my face...not any part..
It's because i havent tried to lately. Well that's why i'm sick..
umm...I'm working on .....not judging my feelings..and doing what i want.... Oh...You dont want to read this, do you? *grin* I know i may sound pessimistic..*shrug* oh, well
i want:
....~a job..
~place to live
~sleep
~massage
~clothes...(i really dont have any)
~fix my psychotic hair
...blah blah..hmm...*tapping my fingers* whatever..
Everything's allright from a true point of view.
i'm too shy to write.

28-11-99
..howdy..
ive been thinkin ...that the white board on my page...serves me better as a diary than this.. well, it's truer anyway. Like i've mentioned before...i'm not good with words. I censor meself more when it comes to writing i think..But i try not to. A couple of times now, i've heard.. that ... not changing your written words..or whatever your creation might be, is typical for the so called 'beatniks'. I didnt know that...but that is what i'm like anyway. I do that kinda things in all areas actually, but it hurts to..you know, cuz it's like jumping into what you hope will be a swimmingpool, without looking down, and you may just as well hit the ground. So..what i'm saying is...When i've written something...I'd rather let it stay that way. Even if it embarrases me..because i want to be True. I should to it more often though...
oh, i saw this movie..called 'Splendour in the grass', or something... And it upset me a whole lot, because the people in it, obeyed their parents too damn much....and ended up in mental hospitals and got unhappy. Fuck 'em.
I love the beat culture... i go bonkers..i luv it! *giggle* =)..And i'm happy that there are places where they show old movies..*s* And i'm happy that there's still some feelings in me..And that i can be whatever i want to be. You know.there are no definite limits around me. There's no certain person i'm supposed to be..and i believe that what i really am..what i'm made of, is just love. That's it. I'm guessing...well i'm Sure, that if you just ~ b r e a t h e ~ and let your feelings flow through you, inside and out..like through a drain pipe.. and not identifying with them, ...uhm...well, then ..that's just fine. c'est Great! that's f r e e d o m ... ohh..and yesterday was the first time i didnt feel totally unattractive since months ago.. ~grin~ That's just ..wonderful

night between the 27:th & 28:th of December.
I've quit wearing make up. Well...i mean that i dont at all want to wear any..except for some glitter once in a while..and stuff.
ummm...i was supposed to have met Anna Thea again today..but we missed eachother..like we've done just too many a time *S*. I knew we would, all the time, actually.
I found some of my old drawings and writings....and photos and stuff from when i was little. It amazed me actually - especially the writings - ..cuz it was so bold, and honest..and emotional. I'm gonna scann some of that ol' retro stuff when i get a chance. At least the pictures.
AAAaaaaand...i think i'm gettin' well! It's been aaaages since i wasnt sick, you know.. ..and i'm also waiting patiently for my hair to grow long again..i'm tryin ta keep my fingers n scissors away from it *S*
Toodles.

January 17:th 2000
I'd better go to bed now..soon..but...
Lately...it's like i've been workin really hard on world peace..just spontaneously. I've been visualizin peace peace peace....and i've been singing and stuff...and been listening to John Lennon and Bob Marley alot..all of a sudden. And it's like i've been ..a link between the earth and the sky.. the moon...and i've been havin dreams...of war and peace ..and triumph and wounds..
Oh..i'm too dizzy to explain this..=) G'nite.

February 15:th 2000

I'm waking up...
I'm alive..
Life is filling me, and i stay close to mySelf in most situations..I can rest, lean on myself.
My heart is opening. =) It hurts a bit, but in a good way...
I used to have a feeling of beeing cut in two sometimes, like of a knife or a nail in my chest..and i used to be numb & cold, for a while anway...*s* But now it's gone. I'm stepping through a wall.. I've passed on to another circle. A good one.
Oh i hate this page of short explanations of my state of mind...because for some reason it limits me. Fuck...i 'll it give up. Dont think i'll be writing here again..because one single page is just too small for me. =) i'm moving out..I guess that this so called Journal-page...is just an ol' dusty museeum of junk from now on. "short writings from the era of junk".

I had a dream some nights ago. I dreamt that i was walking home late at night, to a place I used to live earlier, barefoot, on a street with broken glass strewn all over it, though i didnt hurt myself much, cuz i was sliding over it like water. And while this was happening, Jim morrison was ...talking of this event. It was a poem, but none that actually has been written, as far as i know. What the poem Meant, though, was that this could be the place and time where i can turn and change my way..and leave the midnight street of broken glass. Well...a few days after that dream, while goin' thru 'Wilderness', i found this poem:

"The diamonds shone like broken glass
Upon the midnight street
And all atop the walls were wet
Their white eyes glint & sleek

Then from afar a gnome appeared
An angel flashed on furry feet
The boulevard became a river
While waiting crowds began to quiver

I was in a motel watching
Whiskey in my hand
Her breath was soft, the wind was warm
Someone in a room was born"

~ That wasn't the poem that i dreamt of..but it resembles of it..dontya think?
...with these words, I leave this place.

Fare thee well!