Diary of Phoenix MoonStar
Just a spot for me to record my thoughts on life.
April 23rd, 2003-
Still waiting to hear from the people below. I hope you guys realize I'm serious here. EMAIL ME YOU SHITS!
Other than that, we got a new house.... It's really cool and me and the guys (Aspen, CJ and Renzo) are all moving in soon. Of course this adds stress to the whole last three weeks of college classes. I'm trying to move, finish up projects, plan a dance, get homework finished, do tests, and everything else under the sun. One of these days I need to stop and get some sleep.. oh yeah, and laundry... Laundry would be good too....
So I don't get much time to do anything online anymore... these websites of mine suffer for it too. I need to get in and sign up for Summer classes (oh yeah, that's something else I need to do) soon so I know when I have to go and stuff. :P Three more years, I suppose, and then I can teach... It was supposed to be two, but let's face it... I need some BREAKS in there... and since I can't really take any time off, that simply means taking fewer classes each semester.
OMG.. do I need to bitch about something. Now, all year (and I mean since August 2002) I have been going to the GPA dining room here on campus at least twice a week. I have been telling EVERYONE about how good the food is, and it really is... So I make reservations for 4, then I call and change it to 8 (because more people wanted to come...) And we show up, and they told us they cut reservations off on Tuesday (which is when I changed it) and they only had 4 seats for us. PLUS I got yelled at for trying to change it. THEN when they finally got things "fixed" and seated 6 of us (we had lost a few in the arguement) we had our meal, went and paid, did NOT leave a tip because of this, and they had the nerve to tell us "Thanks for the tips"... sarcastically and all. I WILL NEVER EAT THERE AGAIN! EVER EVER EVER! See if I send them anymore business! I was sooooo mad, I could have spit!
Well, that's my rant for the day. I give Rike a few more days to contact me, and then I'm breaking code and WRITING THINGS about what I need to write about! HA! So Rike, or anyone in the upper level, you guys had better EMAIL SOON, or you can't blame me for what I'm going to do. I'm giving you the chance. And while you are at it, get Remmie, Kieth, Nick and Steven to email me as well!
-Phoenix
April 14th, 2003-
Okay, I really need to get ahold of some people, and I can only hope they are watching these webpages. It's really important.
First, Nick and Steven. I need to talk with both of you about something, but it's not the same thing, so I can't hear from just one of you. PLEASE email me at phoenixmoonstar@yahoo.com ASAP! Actually, ASAP and a Half. It's really important guys. SERIOUSLY!
Second, Kieth (aka "Flame"). Where ever you are, I need you to get ahold of me too. Same email. Remmie, if you're watching, get ahold of him for me PLEASE!
Third, and this is going to sound strange, but I'm serious here... Jackson, I need you to get ahold of me too. I've heard some rumors about Carter, and I need to know the truth. Email me, but remember, it's just business. You know me, Jacks.
And lastly, Rike. Wherever you are, I need to ask you some questions, and if I don't hear from you I'm going to go ahead and do this anyways... and you can't blame me afterwards! Okay? Email me!!!
I really need to hear from all you guys. Email me and I'll tell you what's up. Please be watching.. please.
"Lady A", "Angel", "A.M." etc...
-Phoenix
April 7th, 2003-
So these last few days have been interesting indeed. Poetry nights at the local java club have yielded some interesting results, which I won't mention in detail just yet, as I'm not sure where they are headed. I don't want to jinx anything, so I'm keeping this a bit quiet in the written form. You might wonder why, so I'll tell you a bit. It seems that once I write something down on paper or internet that it either comes true or fizzles completely. So... I'm not writing a word.
Anyways, I have been doing a lot of poems lately, but I have to get the home 'puter fixed so I can do the graphics I want for htem, and then I can add them to my poetry pages. Needless to say, I'll have a lot of them.
It's getting closer to graduation, and I finally went and bought my cap and gown. I have to wait for my honor's tassles one more week. Yup, that's right.. Honors tassles. I didn't even get that in Highschool.
I've been having some wierd dreams lately... Things I can't make sense of just yet. It is barely worth mentioning, but they are so strange. If I remember all of one, I'll type it out one day so you can see.
Went to the Metaphysical fair here in Pueblo this last Sunday (yesterday as I type this) and I bought a present for one of my friends. I can't wait to see him so I can give it to him. ^_^ I hope he likes it. I'll let you know.
Well, there is a ton of stuff going on right now, but half of it I can't write about, and the other half I don't have time just now. I'll catch you guys on the flip side.
Shout out to Adam and Silver!
-Phoenix
April 2nd, 2003-
Well, this is starting to resemble my actual diary... lots of space between entries. Spring Sem SUCKS... If I wasn't getting out of PCC this sem, I think I'd drop everything. I hate it. Don't get me wrong... I love my classes, like my teachers. But the fact I have 3 history type classes this sem, and everything is running together sucks. I can't remember which class is which, and there is Soooooo much work in all of them. My Creative Writing class is even suffering, and that is so not like me.
I have managed to work on some poems, and I even read at the coffee house once in a while. It's nice. I'm going to have to update my poems section when I get the chance, and put some of the new ones in there. I have so many now to add. Not like I didn't before, but I do now.
So I promised at some point to tell you more about some things, like Nick and James, and the exs, and so many other things. Today is not the day. I have less than an hour before class as I write this at 5pm in the computer lab. However, I do have some other short things to share with you.
First off, I graduate in exactly one month. Don't get too happy for me just yet, as this is just community college and I still have at least two years at a University. However, the crunch time is upon me and I really don't care. I think I need a sem off at least. But I can't do that. So I will graduate the 2nd of May, then I have finals week after that (doesn't that just flipping suck? What shit thought that idea up?). So Friday May 9th is my last day at PCC and the following Monday, the 12th, I get to start classes at CSU@Pueblo. So completely not thrilled.
I had wanted to go visit my uncle in Oklahoma over the break between, before I knew there wasn't a break between, and so now I can't.
I haven't had a chance to talk to Ari or Rei in forever, and I miss them both so much. They probably hate me by now since I can't get online anymore. I shoould close those accounts down on Neopets. I never get there anymore either.
I do have some good news too , so as not to depress all of you. Renzo has decided he wants to become pagan, and CJ is pagan for the most part, so Aspen and I are once again doing classes. We had our first class yesterday night, on the Differences between Paganism and Wicca. I think it went well.
CJ has started a D&D campaign for the four of us, and so I've built myself a "character".. I've actually been using her in Hawthorne (oh how I miss Hawthorne too... Zephy.. Lola... Miss you guys...) and so now I'll use her in D&D. I'll tell you more about her later.
We (Aspen and I) have decided to move out of Walkingstick. We are now looking for a place in Pueblo, if people would ever call us back. We found this really nice place and haven't heard anything back from the person I left a message for. Oh well. CJ is going to move in with us too, and Renzo was going to, but now he can't, because his parents are being... difficult. I have an entire tyraid on them, but I'll save it for a day when I have a few hours to gripe, I mean, type.
Dyed my hair again.. Feria Blush Blonde... and then CJ's mom cut it for me. it's really kinda short, but it doesn't do the "soccor mom" thing that I had for a few months.
Been thinking about Val these last few days. I should really get out to her gravesite. I can't believe how long it has been since that night she died. I'll have to tell you all about that sometime too.
Ran into one of my ex-boyfriends at Walmart the other day. I hate to say it, but he looked old. Like life had really aged him. I hate to think what I look like to people who haven't seen me in several years. Anyways, I was surprised because I hadn't taked to Myron in years... I think 1999 was the last time. I thought he'd moved out of state. I guess it's true what they say about Pueblo... it's got a death grip on people. Anyways, it was kinda strange seeing him again, and seeing how much he'd changed, even though I know I've changed. I had been talking about him just a few hours earlier, so I suppose Goddess decided it was time to toss in one of those "creepy freaky wierd" moments CJ talks about. And "hello Myron" if you ever read this. I hope things are good with you.
As for any of the other exs who may or maynot stumble across this page, I have a few things to say to them. Don't take any of this wrong, but it's something I must do.
Where ever you are, I release you. I think I've held on to the memories for long enough. That's not to say that I am destroying the memories. I will cherish them everytime the creep into my mind. However, it is time I let go. I release you from any blame I may have tacked onto your image in my mind. Whatever happened, happened. Whatever didn't, didn't. I release you from the constant stiring of what-ifs. The past is closed. There is only what was and what is now. I release you from the ties I placed when I thought one day we might get back together. The people we were are no more so the love we had is now frozen in time. It can never be brought back, for it would never be the same. I release you from the anger I had towards you, the tears I cried over you, the feelings, good or bad that lingered long after your voice faded from my memory. I release you from whatever hold I may have held on you. I hope you will do the same. It is not to say that should we meet, I will not say hello. It is not to say that should we talk I will not think of you and the "us" we both once knew. I am simply closing a chapter in my life, and I need to box up all the old but good, and I need to release the old and slightly rotten. I hope that you can understand. I hope that you can do the same. Every one of you is a part of me, and I will cherish that always. Thank you for the time we spent together. I wish you the best in life.
-Phoenix
Dec. 20th, 2002-
I'm borrowing Aspen's computer while he watches a movie. It rather sucks not having internet on my computer, and having to use his. Oh well.
A while back, right before Thanksgiving Break, I wrecked my car. No one was hurt (that I know of) but my car was totaled, and I'm sure the other car was too. It seems the driver of that car had high blood pressure and passed out at the wheel, and his car stopped in the middle of the right hand lane. I couldn't move over and so... CRASH.
Anyways, James moved out, and we got a new girl, Hiroe, from Japan, and then Nick moved out, and now we are getting another new girl. Christine something.
We (Aspen and myself) have claimed the upstairs loft as a temple space, and have started decorating it. It looks really cool and all, and we are only about halfway done. We also put up a witchy Yule tree... complete with witch hat on top.
Speaking of Yule, that's tomorrow! It's that great? I miss talking to all my friends online.. Ari, Rei... I miss you guys...
We got a cat... Her name is "Little Washu" ^_^ She is tri-colored, with white front paws, a bit of brindling.. and a face that reminds me of an owl. She is also sleeping on my lap with her head on my arm.. Do you know how hard it is to type like this??? OOOOOooooo.. Someone needs her claws trimmed!!!!
Renzo, one of my friends, got me addicted to his playstation. I am currently in the middle of a Final Fantasy 8, 9, and Valkrie's something... after beating a Gauntlet game. :P
Nov. 5th, 2002-
I sit here at PCC and I type, wondering what my future will hold. There are five weeks left, and I hope that I will make it. I hope for good grades, considering I have been a bit out of sorts this semester (damn that Mercury retrograde). I have had lots of fun, but not much time to do the things I really want to do.. like work on these pages, and the pages for my online group. I wish I had more time. Two extra days a week would be good. I keep hoping next semester will be better. It never is. Each new semester seems to bring more and more things for me to do.
I have moved out of Rye, and into Pueblo. It is very different this time, being my third time moving out of home. I hated living there while I was there. Not because it was a bad place, but because I wanted to be on my own. I wanted my freedom, to come and go as i pleased, to do what I wanted. To cook what I wanted. To decorate how I wanted. Now I have moved in to a "dorm" of sorts. It's more of an apartment on the campus of the college I will one day attend. I have three roommates, all men. One is from Tawian. One is my best friend in the world. The other is... Nick. Not much else to say about them right now. My mind has other plans.
I decided I needed to do something with these pages, before Angelfire thought they were dead and deleted them. I would hate to lose them. They are my place in cyberspace. My comfy corner to curl up and talk to you.. the faceless masses who read these words without my ever knowing it. Those of you who know more about me, a person you have probably never met, than those who do not read these words upon these pages. This is my one spot to talk to you, to tell you my point of view, and hopefully help you find your footing along the path you walk. So you see, I can not lose these pages, for I would lose you. And then where would we both be?
But as I type, I think, and as I think, I remember. I was looking at my poems that I have on here, and I got to the "five minute poem" and I had mentioned it was inspired by a friend who dared me to write a poem in under five minutes. I remember that conversation. Logan, who I had only just met and had been talking to because he was a friend of my friend Maura's boyfriend Stace. (Stace had set me up with this guy, Mike, and I was talking to Logan.) I can't remember how the whole thing got started or how I got Logan's number, though I probably asked Stace for it, or he had called me from Logan's or while Logan was there. Logan was a cool guy. He thought I was about 5 feet tall and skinny as a pole, bless him. Someone raised him well, since I was 5'11" even then, and about 180 at the time. That would change, but that's another entry entirely.
Anyways, I remember talking to Logan for hours that day and we got onto the fact I wrote poems, and it didn't take me that long. I said I could write one in under five minutes, and he dared me to prove it. I did.
But thinking of Logan, I can't help but wonder what happened to him. I never talked with him after Stace and I broke up (yes, that's another chapter I'll tell you about one day.) But Logan isn't the only one. Steven... Logan's friend. Nice guy. A bit strange, but nice. I don't know what happened to him either.
Then there are ex boyfriends I wonder about every once in a while. Some I would like to know that they are okay, and happy. Others I would like to shove it in their face that I am getting an AA at college and will be teaching soon. (hopefully in time for my 10 year High School Reunion, so I can show up and prove I did something with my life other than wait tables or have kids...) Not that I haven't done anything, but I had planned on going to college right out of High School, double majoring in Psychology and English, going to work as a profiler or some kind of important psycholocial writer. It didn't happen. Even the back up plan of being an archeologist didn't go. I had planned to be anywhere by now, but where I am.. still in school.
Not that that is a bad thing. Goddess obviously had other plans for me. I had to fail, and then get crappy jobs, which would tied me over until I was ready to handle the next phase of life... When I went to work at the YMCA Camp Jackson. That's when Goddess showed me I was to work with kids... and now that I am getting ready to move into the final phase of my education (getting the AA and going to a 4 yr university) she is pushing me towards teaching on a Reservation. I have learned to go with it. After all, you don't contradict the Goddess.
But I still can't help but morn the life I had imagined, once upon a time when I had friends I no longer see... Once upon a time when the world was still new and different enough to feel that way, and when a person like me thought I knew where I was going. That was then, they say, and this is now. Somehow, I want "then" back, just a little. "You can never go home again"... Not always true... you can always go home again unless someone changed the locks, or sold the place.. but home doesn't always feel the same. And no matter how hard you try, the new place somehow falls short.
I'm getting ready to do Thanksgiving with the folks. One might think a person who is supposed to be half Native American would have issues with the whole Thanksgiving thing. Oddly, I don't. Perhaps it is because I was raised "white"... but maybe not. I think I like it simply because all it has ever been was the family getting together, eating lots and lots of good food, and sitting around, playing with the cats. When I was younger, there were the football games my uncle and grandfather would watch.. but sadly those too are gone. I morn them as well, even though I hated them as a child. Now I can look back on them fondly, and wish for them again.
Sometimes I wonder... Sometimes I dream... Sometimes this world isn't always what it seems.
-Phoenix
