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The Joke Archive!

Archived	The Joke!
January 26th. 1999	A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to f*ck with the Lone Ranger." Thanks for the joke Michelle!!!
December 3rd. 1998	A blonde goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband, but I don't know what type he uses." The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?" "No," says the blonde, it's for his underarms." Thanks for the joke Doobug!!!
October 9th. 1998	A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." Thanks for the joke Morgan!!!
October 1st. 1998	Three Anthropologists are studying an African tribe. Perched carefully in a tree, they are about to witness tribal rituals never seen before by civilized nations. Suddenly the branch breaks and they found themselves surrounded with spears at their throats. A man wearing a necklace skull and feathers approaches them. Amazingly, he speaks English. "You have disturbed our sacred rites, for this you must be punished" He looks at the first man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 10 minutes?" The man, thinking that Bunga Bunga is certainly better than death, says, "Bunga Bunga" The Chief throws him across a log and proceeds to fck him up the ass for 10 minutes. After he is done, the chief says, "You are free to go." The Chief looks at the second man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 1 hour?" The second man considers his family, and says "Bunga Bunga" The Chief throws him across a log and fcks him up the ass for 1 hour. After he is done, he says "You are free to go." The second man quickly leaves Finally, The Chief looks at the third man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 2 hours" The third man thinks that he cannot stand anal sex for that long and says "Death" The Chief looks at with a smile, and says, "Ok, Death...By Bunga Bunga" Thanks for the joke Sparky!!!
August 28th. 1998	One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish." "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...." Thanks for the joke Robert!!!
August 6th. 1998	Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about $10,000 dollars in prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer". Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with a brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could. The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was being held and signed Bubba up. An old man came over and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing." One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back, balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, it was finally Bubba's turn. In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said, "Don't worry, buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring, The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba, and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten. Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had just shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one arm raised in the air by the referee. Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer! Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba that he didn't see what had happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before, and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down and counting to ten. Then I looked up, and front of me was this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things." "Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites down on his own balls!" Thanks for the joke Morgan!!!
July 28th. 1998	Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated,of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater,but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!" Thanks for the joke Stephanie!!!

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