by Mariann Marcum

Team Coach

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

God's consultant

Team Captain

Leaps short buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Walks on water if the sea is calm

Talks with God

Assistant Captain

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding B.B.

Walks on water in and indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if special request is granted

Defenseman

Barely clears a shack or hut

Loses tug-o-war with a switch engine

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occasionally addressed by God

Forwards

Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap buildings

Is run over by a locomotive

Can sometime handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Dog Paddles

Talks to animals

Rookies

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotives 2 oout of 3 times

Is NOT issued ammo

Can't stay afloat without life preserver

talks to walls

Referees

Trips over doorsteps when trying to enter a buildings

Says, "Look at the choo-choo!"

Wets himself with a water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to himself

Goalies

Lifts Buildings and walks under them

Kicks Locomotives off the tracks

Catches speedign bullets in teeth then eats them

Freezes water with single glance *what's a zamboni??*

She/He IS God!! ________________________________________________________________________________ Sung to the beat of Joxer the mighty, from Xena warrior princess. By Mariann Marcum

"Joe Sakic: Colorado Avalanche

"Joey the mighty he's really somethin', everybody loves him, he's so awesome its a sin, Joey... Joey the miiiiiiighty!"

________________________________________________________________________________

"Adam Deadmarsh: Colorado Avalanche

" "Deader the QT, he's really somethin' everybody loves him, he so cute *pinchie pinchie* it's a sin, Deader...Deader the miiiiiiighty cute kid!"

________________________________________________________________________________

"Valeri Kamenski: Colorado Avalanche

""Valeri the pansy, he's just so dandy, tastes like cotton candy, he's not very manly, *still cute* Valeri...Valeri the paaaaaaansy!"

________________________________________________________________________________

"Peter Forsberg: Colorado Avalanche

""Peter the Swede dream, he's really good looking,*as long as his helmet is off* he doesn't even talk like a Swede, Peter... Peter the Sweeeeeeeede dream!" ________________________________________________________________________________

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink." ________________________________________________________________________________

Cultural Differences Explained:

On Vacation

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Friends

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Home Pride

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

TV

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Sports

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Language

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Shopping

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Beer

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Future Outlooks

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. ________________________________________________________________________________

A young man working in the produce department of a large grocery store was approached by a customer who said he wanted to buy half a head of lettuce. The young man was taken aback somewhat and indicated he would have to check with the store manager.

So the produce clerk went to the store manager's office for instruction. He stood in the doorway of the office and said, "There's some dumbhead out here who wants to buy just half a head of lettuce." Then, noticing that the customer had come up behind him, he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager said, "Sell it."

Later, the manager sought out this young man and complimented him on his quick wit and intelligence in the way he had side-stepped a potentially sticky situation. "You are just the kind of man we want in management. In fact, I want you to take over our biggest store in Montreal."

The clerk responded, "Montreal!! The only people who come from there are hookers and hockey players! Why would I want to go to Montreal?!"

When the manager said icily, "My wife happens to be from Montreal," the clerk came right back with, "Really? What position does she play?" ________________________________________________________________________________

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Goalie:

10. Keeps telling the Goal Judge to "Get Ready!".

9. Mask painted like Malibu Barbie.

8. On the net with his squeeze bottle is a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

7. Wearing Magooesque glasses over his mask.

6. You find him in a fetal position in the corner of the net.

5. Ice level microphone keeps picking up sounds of him praying.

4. He's wearing a virtual reality mask.

3. Keeps using his big stick to tenderize meat.

2. Technique in stopping breakaways: Fake Seizures.

1. Tries not to get hit by the puck. ________________________________________________________________________________

CANADIAN HUMOR

All Top 10 Reasons, submitted by Dave Gelineau. None of the content provided is at anyway backed by Kelly's South Park Rest Stop. Some view descretion is advised.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Weed

2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges

3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder

4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar

5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown

6. A university with a nude beach

7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations

8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash

9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on

10. Cannabis

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big Rock

2. Preston Manning

3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent

4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education

5. Flames vs. Oilers

6. Stamps vs. Eskies

7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of

8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's

9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups

10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat

2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats

3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning

4. Your province is really easy to draw

5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard

6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house

7. YOUR Roughriders survived

8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours

9. People will assume you live on a farm

10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property

2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"

3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto

4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government

5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes

6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter

7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work

8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood

9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off

10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the center of the universe

2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump

3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election

4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist

5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition

6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city

7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime

8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar

9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of yourhouse

10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole

2. Racism is socially acceptable

3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians

4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next

5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada

6. The FLQ

7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys

8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers

9. NON-smokers are the outcasts

10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken celtic fiddlers

2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income

3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies

4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours

5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston

6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick

7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you

8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse

9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen

10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire

2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia

3. Everyone is a fiddle player

4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass

5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert

6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal

7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money

8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt

9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music

10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge

2. You can walk across the province in half an hour

3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"

4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from

5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows

6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave

7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes

8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates

9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter

10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation

2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea

3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod

4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products

5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse

6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics

7. The work day is about two hours long

8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines

9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass

10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day ________________________________________________________________________________ This was an e-mail that was written to me by Alvin Wai. He recieved it from someone else, so I was like sure this is true. But then I recieved an e-mail from someone who goes to Boulder, and she comfermed this is true. Here is that infamous e-mail!

Maybe you'll like this...This is actually a true story: Normally when I hear embarrassing stories about my friends I sort of chuckle a little and let it pass.

However, when my friend at Boulder wrote me this letter, telling me about her embarrassing experience, as sick as it was I could not help but become hysterical. I asked my friend if I could write it up, she didn't mind as long as I didn't use her name, so here it is:

My friend, let's call her Jen, is a college student. When she is not busy partying and enjoying college life, or doing homework and studying, she is usually on her computer. One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage.

While she was playing on the net, she decided to get onto a chat line. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex line. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy. She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was "Katie," and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.

Saturday night rolls around, and Jen, as 'Katie,' is on the line with Jeremy again. They become even closer this night, and they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year.

By the end of the year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. 'Katie' & Jeremy had done everything sexually possible over the net, and they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday be together.

Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. We're finally going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together.

As Jen didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she's never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Jeremy agreed. Jen showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the desk lady to hold a key for the next party. She then went up to the room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in the door.

She heard someone walk in and around the corner. She whispered, "Jeremy?" A voice replied, "Katie?" "Yes," she said, so he fumbled for the light and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said, .......

















"Dad?" Now realize this really did happen.... ________________________________________________________________________________   Is the mouse you are using a MALE or FEMALE ?  How to check on this ? Please do not "overturn" your mouse to check on its gender! Make a guess before you scroll down for the answer.....

























Answer : Just check whether your mouse is using a PAD or not.... If YES,it's a FEMALE !  If NO, its otherwise! ________________________________________________________________________________

Thanx soooo much guys for all the help and support!!! If anyone else has anymore jokes, don't hesitate to gimme gimme gimme!!!!! hehe! ;) Thanx again!!!

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