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MY JOURNAL...
"Look inside the eye of your mind...don't you know you might find, a better
place to play..."
-Oasis-
June 3, 1998
My first Journal entry...What do I say...? All I did today was work on this
page..and think..I've been doing that a lot lately...I'm trying to figure
out this whole "betrayal thing"..and I'm wondering why people can't stay through
the harder times...We all have these friends who sit there and say they love
us and we believe it..and even trust them with important things...and the
second you aren't a perfect friend to them they turn around and shove every-
thing that you had with them in your face...I don't understand..and it's
rather disturbing....Also...I miss Nathan A LOT, more than I ever thought
I would...I always wondered what it would feel like to fall in love and now
that I have I'm not sure it's all that I thought it would be. Though I know
the distance hasn't hurt me and Nathan, being away from him, I fear, is making
me forget how much I needed him...and being apart is making me fall farther
away from him and I hate that...
A cool quote I found, "Never be sad for what is over, Just be glad it was
once yours." -?-
June 4, 1998
Today was very interesting...I woke up to my friend fighting with her dad,
I came home to have a fight with my teacher,and my friend called crying
because of a fight she had just had with her boyfriend....I don't understand
why this is the only way people can communicate, it's rather upsetting...Not
that I'm one to really talk, I'm horrible about fighting, I do it much more
often than I'd like to admit, but it still hasn't really gotten me anywhere,
it's just brought me even farther away from people I really loved and cared
about...Just once, I'd like to just go through a day where noone gets mad at
me, and I don't get mad at them...I guess this is what everyone would like, huh?
hey!! maybe I *am* normal after all!!!=)okay..so that's not very likely...
quote for the day, "I wish I was a kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix
than broken hearts."-?-
June 5, 1998
I learned a lot today, about myself, and the people I love. Everything here can
be gone in a moment, at the hands of someone who just doesn't care for
anyone but themselves, and no matter how much you count on one thing, it will
not be around forever, unless it is founded in the right things...Sometimes it's
hard to understand why people do some of the things they do, but I hear there
is a reason for everything...*shrugs* I guess that hasn't proven me wrong yet...
The quote for the day is "Make sure the thing you are living for, is worth
dying for."-Myers-
June 7, 1998
Sometimes it amazes me how little people care for each other...as long as the
world they see from their little views are okay..they figure everyone,
everywhere is okay...alright..here I go sounding like a hypocrite again, but,
I guess I've been thinking a lot lately...and, I've been watching people, and
listening to them...and they just care, so little about anything bothering
someone else..even someone that they claim to love....The world is a strange
place, but hey...I just live here...=)"If the world seems cold to you,
rekindle fires to warm it.."-?-
June 12, 1998
Sorry I haven't written in a while...I haven't really been home...anyway..
I'm still trying to understand this whole Friendship thing. I don't understand
how someone who is supposed to Love you can just screw you over and/or leave
without any remorse..it's very upsetting..and frankly, I am sick of it.
Why even have friends if not a single one of them will remain in your life for
longer than is convienent for them? I do have a couple really awesome friends
right now..but Sam is in Austria=( and Nathan is in CO Springs..and both of
those are too far away for me right now....
"A friend loves you, of course, but one who loves you, is not, in every case, your friend.
Friendship, accordingly, always prophits you, But love sometimes even wounds
you."-Seneca-
June 20, 1998
I haven't written in a LONG time, So I decided to do so today...Life has been
SOOOO crazy lately...I've been out everynight so I haven't had time to do the
things I usually do...Which sucks because I hate not getting stuff done. And
I feel SO far away from Nathan, and that is REALLY bad..because he is the one
person that I think of as completely stable in my life...Nothing bad is happening
between us or anything, and I love him as much as ever, I just feel soo distant
from him because we rarely talk anymore and I haven't seen him for so long...
I miss him=( And my best friend has been in Europe for Two weeks and I am going
to go crazy if he doesn't get back soon=) I've been going out with wierd people
that have weird priorities...I miss my friends....
I wish I had something exciting to say..but, I don't so I'm going to go
for now....Quote for the day is:"It's weird how something has to happen
sometimes to see how you feel about someone."-Angela (My So-Called Life)-
June 23,1998
Hey...It's been a crazy day...I just got off the phone with Jessica and we
had one of the best conversations I have ever had with anyone...We were talking
about people and how they act and what they believe....I guess our main topic
was friendship and how cheap it has become....I told a guy that I didn't want
a relationship yesterday and that I wanted to become friends with him and he
got MAD because he says that he deserves MORE than friendship...I personally
didn't think that there was a MORE than friendship...I consider that the
HIGHEST relationship you can have with someone...My friends mean more to me than
any guy I have dated or screwed around with...our conversation also made me realize
how SICK society has become....people focus SOO much on matierial things that
they have forgotten what is important in life...friends are only there when
you are convienient or when they need something and I have a problem with that..
right now I'd really just like to thank Laura, Jessica, and Sam and Nathan for being
REAL friends....and believing as I do on what's important in life..because
your friends are the ONLY things that you can keep FOREVER...even AFTER death...
Don't EVER take that for granted....Quote for the day:"Just because someone doesn't
love you the way you think they should, doesn't mean they don't love you with
all they have..."-?-
August 8, 1998
I don't really know what to think about anything anymore....Life has become a thing
that i just do, not necessarily something I enjoy...People are weird (have I mentioned
that before??!?!=) but they are...Of course right now the only person I really
have is Nathan (once again) but that's okay..he's all I really need right now...
I haven't been writing in there because angelfire has been messing up...and I can't
access it from my compueter...but I will update my page SOON (new pics and stuff)
October 21,1998
Okay...well I haven't written on this thing in a long time....I do have a lot to say however...and I will be working on my page A LOT over the next few weeks...
First off I was just reading a bunch of old emails and I came accross about 40 from an ex-boyfriend....They all said stuff like "Love forever" Or "you mean more to me than anything in the world" or the big one "no matter what, nothing could EVER make me love you any less...." and I went to thinking "why does this guy hate me soo much then? I see him at coffee or downtown occasionally and I get dirty looks, or mockery from him and his girlfriend....I don't get it...Well he's getting married to her this month, which I am fine with...but, I do miss his friendship...does anyone understand this? Because I sure don't... It actually hurts quite badly to see someone I love soo much hate me with as much passion as he seems to...I don't get it....oh well....I'll write more tomorrow.....
Email: azrael6900@hotmail.com
