PERSONAL DETAILS
Age: 37
Birthplace: London
Height: 5 feet 7 inches
Weight: 10st, 10lbs
FOOTBALL
Team supported: Crystal Palace.
Best and worst memory of your team: 1990 FA Cup final (not the replay) Crystal Palace v Manchester United. Relegation to the old Third Division in 1973.
Your team’s best and worst player (current or non-current): Peter Taylor (Ginola-esque left winger). Mick Hill (crap finisher - would miss an open goal from two yards, that sort of thing).
Most memorable England match: England v Brazil, World Cup 1970.
Best and worst England player seen: Bobby Moore (supreme defender), Nick Pickering (one-cap wonder without the wonder).
Position you play: Full back.
Your best and worst moment as a player: St. Bartholomews Player of the Year 1979 (when I had a semblence of pace).
18-1 trashing by an All-London Schoolboys team masquerading as English Martyrs (a side from our division of the local U-14 Saturday League).
DRINKING
Favourite pint: Stella Artois (in summer), Young’s Special bitter.
Number of pints before you fall over: 8 (these days).
Number of pints before you hit the shorts: 6.
Favourite short when the going gets tough: Jack Daniels.
Amount of alcohol (pints plus shorts) before you’re seriouly ill: 6 pints, 6 shorts.
Favourite venue after closing time - club/curry house/strip joint/gambling den/bed: I retire gracefully to bed.
First thing you normally do on returning home from heavy drinking session (if memory serves): Head for the fridge.
Favourite breakfast after aforementioned session: Big fry up. Is there anything else?
WOMEN
Woman you’d most like to be washed up on a desert island with: Lorna Walker - top totty at school (Haven’t met anyone nicer yet).
FAVOURITE
Newspaper: The Observer.
Non-alcoholic drink: coffee.
Food: egg, sausages and chips.
Holiday destination: the more remote Greek islands (as long as there’s a bit of shade).
Film: Godfather (parts 1 and 2).
Book: 1992 Viz annual.
Television programme: Rising Damp.
Music: Glam rock.
Band: T.Rex.
Album: Bolan Boogie.
LEAST FAVOURITE
Newspaper: Daily Star.
Non-alcoholic drink: cherryade.
Food: rice pudding.
Holiday destination: Eastbourne.
Film: all those American made for TV ones.
Book: “Life stories” of sports stars not yet passed their 25th birthdays.
Music: country and western.
OTHERS
All time sporting hero: Ian Botham (the cricketer not the man).
Your ideal weekend:
Wife and kids safely back in Derby. Friday night out with the chaps.Palace away match with fellow sufferers on the Saturday – steady but not outrageous flow of beer before and after the match – followed by top quality Chinese take-away at home and Match of the Day to round things off.
Sunday: a not-too-serious game of football in the morning, a couple of lunch-time pints, then back for egg, sausage and chips, a read of the papers and the Sky match on telly.
Welcome back the wife and kids, telling them how much I’ve missed them.
The one thing that really makes your blood boil: The driver in front who suddenly turns on their right indicator in a queue at the traffic lights when you’re going straight on and thought SHE (is that a bit sexist?) was doing so as well.
