PERSONAL DETAILS
Age: 27 (25/5/71)
Birthplace: Ely, Cambs. Previous incarnations: Atlantis, Egypt, pub in Harlow.
Height: 5ft 8ins.
Weight: 11st.
FOOTBALL
Team supported: Cambridge United.
Best and worst memory of your team: Best: Nearly going up to the Premiership under John Beck. Worst: Our football under John Beck.
Your team’s best and worst player (current or non-current): Dion Dublin.
Most memorable England match: v. Germany Italia 90, v. Holland Euro 96, v. Argentina France 98.
Most memorable moment: David Gaultieri scoring for San Marino after nine seconds in USA 94 qualifiers. "He's gonna flip one, he's gonna flip one" – Brian Moore's commentary as cheating Dutch farm boy Ronald "I shouldn't have been on the pitch" Koeman lined up that free-kick in USA 94 qualifiers. Plus Graham Taylor whining to the linesman after the ref failed to send said farm boy off.
Best and worst England player seen: Best: The brief glimpse of the real Paul Gacoigne before he lost it. Worst: Geoff Thomas, Steve Hodge.
Position you play: Midfield.
Your best and worst moment as a player: Best: Ref saying "OK son, now he's been far too quick for you" during lecture after cynical shirt-pulling. Worst: Being tackled by Phil "The Post" Agius.
DRINKING
Favourite pint: Guinness.
Number of pints before you fall over: Several.
Number of pints before you hit the shorts: Several more.
Favourite short when the going gets tough: Absinthe.
Amount of alcohol (pints plus shorts) before you’re seriously ill: I've got hundreds to go before cirrhosis kicks in.
Favourite venue after closing time - club/curry house/strip joint/gambling den/bed: Warehouse on the docks north of Amsterdam.
First thing you normally do on returning home from heavy drinking session (if memory serves): Leave front door open.
Favourite breakfast after aforementioned session: Bacon, fried bread, hash browns, fried egg, three cans of coke.
WOMEN
Woman you’d most like to be washed up on a desert island with: Margaret Thatcher (No witnesses. No escape. No mercy).
FAVOURITE
Newspaper: The Sporting Life.
Non-alcoholic drink: New tooth-kind Ribena.
Food: Anything with garlic, chocolate roulade for pudding, Apple Nutri-Grain bar.
Holiday destination: Australia.
Film: Star Wars, the credits at the end of A Bug's Life.
Book: Less Than Zero.
Television programme: Monkey, This Life, ER, Mark Thomas Comedy Product.
Music: Trance through to classical.
Band: Faithless.
Album: Richard Clayderman plays Hendrix.
LEAST FAVOURITE
Newspaper: Daily Mail.
Non-alcoholic drink: Earl Grey.
Food: Brussels sprouts/courgettes.
Holiday destination: Surrey.
Film: CCTV recording Hastings town centre summer '97.
Book: The Rules.
Music: Steps.
OTHERS
All time sporting hero: Muhammed Ali.
Your ideal weekend: Sport, sleeping, combination of first two.
The one thing that really makes your blood boil: Poverty.
