PERSONAL DETAILS
Age: 25
Birthplace: Essex
Height: 6ft
Weight: 11st
FOOTBALL
Team supported: Southend United
Best and worst memory of your team: Ian Benjamin's promotion-winning goal at Gigg Lane in 1991/All of this season.
Your team’s best and worst player (current or non-current): Stan Collymore/Kevin (Night)Maher.
Most memorable England match: Belgium at Italia 90.
Best and worst England player seen: Gazza/John Fashanu
Position you play: Striker.
Your best and worst moment as a player: Being made captain of my junior school team after the previous incumbent, Gary O'Connor, was spotted making a V-sign at some girls while getting changed for PE.
Being left out of Richard Ellis's first IX to play the People.
DRINKING
Favourite pint: The guest ale at the County Ground, Chelmsford.
Number of pints before you fall over: 8
Number of pints before you hit the shorts: 5
Favourite short when the going gets tough: Whisky
Amount of alcohol (pints plus shorts) before you’re seriouly ill: 7
Favourite venue after closing time - club/curry house/strip joint/gambling den/bed: The Wag, but only when I'm wearing full office regalia and carrying a bag.
First thing you normally do on returning home from heavy drinking session (if memory serves): See if there's a dirty film on Channel 5.
Favourite breakfast after aforementioned session: Full English Breakfast (extra mushrooms, no black pudding).
WOMEN
Woman you’d most like to be washed up on a desert island with: Sandie Shaw (ha ha ha).
FAVOURITE
Newspaper: Independent.
Non-alcoholic drink: Orange squash.
Food: Traditional English (none of this fancy foreign crap they're foisting on us in the canteen these days).
Holiday destination: Southend.
Film: Scum.
Book: Roy of the Rovers annual 1981 (the one where young Roy and Blackie get kidknapped and taken to an island on the morning of the Schools Cup final but the manager comes to save them and they escape but only turn up at half-time with Melchester 1-0 down and Roy and Blackie turn the game and it finishes 3-1 and everybody's happy. Except the kidnapper, who's arrested).
Television programme: Alan Partridge.
Music: Gospel and death metal.
Band: The Smiths. And the Spinners, obviously.
Album: Hatful of Hollow.
LEAST FAVOURITE
Newspaper: Sporting Life/Daily Mail.
Food: Nuts.
Holiday destination: Magaluf.
Film: Santa Claus The Movie.
Book: Delia Smith's Winter Collection (I can never get her Apricot Crumble Cake right).
Music: Celine Dion.
OTHERS
All time sporting hero: Mr Snoxall, the PE teacher who made me captain of my junior school team after the previous incumbent, Gary O'Connor, was spotted making a V-sign at some girls while getting changed for PE.
Your ideal weekend: Relaxing at home after another hectic week in the office.
The one thing that really makes your blood boil: Dusting.
