GAVIN "THE DOME" SCHMIDT Raised on roast giraffe in the South African bush, Gavva, AKA The Dome looms large in the Life's goal. Philosophy: Punch, punch and punch again. Strengths: Can operate as bruising midfield spoiler.
Weaknesses: Psychotic tendencies. Previous Clubs: The Star (SA), Sunday Times (SA).
MATT KELLY Forced into duty as a custodian due to persistent groin trouble, appearances limited by commitments on the 22nd floor. Grandad played for Everton. Strengths: Will always stand up to verbal abuse from eight-year-olds.
Weaknesses: The eight-year-old was in the right. Groin.
Rock Solid Defenders
CHRISTIAN "MR CHRISTIAN" BROUGHTON Persists in wearing non-footie related t-shirts on the right side of defence. Strengths: Steady as she goes. Weaknesses: Talks about dot.com too much. Previous Clubs: The Indy, The Tufty.
DAVID "PETERSAND" LEA Excellent positional sense and evidence of being a classy performer in his youth. Strengths: Can be relied upon in an emergency, calm manner. Weaknesses: Funereal pace, supporting Palace.
Previous Clubs: St Bartholomew's (under-13 to senior level).
COLIN "TERRIER" FORSHAW Just one appearance so far from the "canny" Scot. Strengths: Coaching ability, tidy operator. Weaknesses: Attendance record. Previous Clubs: Stenhousemuir (probably).
RICHARD "RUTH" ELLIS The team's spiritual leader and honorary president. No-nonsense defence philosophy.
Strengths: Leadership qualities. Weaknesses: Freebie lap-tops.
PHIL "WATCH THAT POST" AGIUS Started the campaign at the back with a promise to move to midfield when fitness was satisfactory. Remains at the back. Strengths: Enthusiasm. Weaknesses: Blind spot for oncoming posts.
Previous Clubs: Kingsthorpe Upper School 4th year XI when they were stretched, Crawley Town Supporters All Stars.
TREVOR "GREENWICH" MERRIDEN Often used as a bartering tool in team selection, always plays better for the opposition. Strengths: Versatility. Weaknesses: Traitor tendencies. Marital Status: Ever changing.
PAUL "STING" WRAY Tall centre back with an individual pre-match routine of blinking constantly for 40 minutes while shouting "Me contacts hurt like hell". Strengths: Dependability. Weaknesses: Likes corrupting web sites. Previous Clubs: Westlands School, Decoy Primary, Saltfleetby, Old Catton.
JIM "ENOCH" POWELL New signing. Picture chief who looks comfortable on the ball. Strengths: Willing to play despite hearing how bad we are. Weaknesses: Lack of focus.
ADAM "PIGSY" PIGGOTT Recently retired from a distinguished career in the Sussex County League. Strengths: Quality. Weaknesses: Claims he's too old to turn out. Previous Clubs: Horsham, Cranleigh, Slinfold, Petersfield United, Billingshurst, Horsham YMCA, Broadbridge Heath, CIBA, Forest FC, Unijet League Intermediate representative side.
Midfield Dynamos
ANDY "GONZO" WHITAKER Captain, manager and club secretary. Blessed with lightning-fast feet and plenty of self belief. Awaiting the day when he makes the Wharf back page superimposed on a vegetable. Strengths: Talented. Weaknesses: Likes to beat every opposing player, twice, and once for luck. Previous clubs: Hull University, Hull Evening Something.
NIGEL "COME ON" WISKAR Signed January 1999 and a valuable addition to the midfield. Big fan of the London Knights ice hockey side, and referee Thompson. Strengths: Vision. Weaknesses: Lager. Previous clubs: Asked to leave several for kicking glasses around.
JAMES "P" ALLEN Commanding central defender or midfielder. Strengths: Loyalty to that pale blue sweatshirt. Weaknesses: Susceptible to being barged off the ball by The Dome, can be riled by the use of coarse language.
DOMINIC "JENNINGS" HART Absolutely capable of occasional blinders. Great man for the back of the team bus. Strengths: Telephone manner. Weaknesses: None. Previous Clubs: Old Grammarians OBs 6th XI.
SIMON "HORSE" MILHAM Evidence of useful ability on rare appearances. Strengths: Brooking-esque ball skills. Weaknesses: Keeping score.
JAMES "ANKLES" STANDLEY Injury-plagued midfield maestro with a natty little shuffle to fool goalkeepers.
Strengths: Large vocabulary. Weaknesses: Wearing rugby shirts and... ankles.
And up front
MARK "CUSTARD" TAYLOR Deadly in front of goal, scored a samba-style goal while clutching glasses on a memorable Russell Square night. Strengths: Ruthless finishing. Weaknesses: Puddings. Previous Clubs: Total Football, Future United.
NIC "JULIE" ANDREWS Competitive spirit courses through his veins. Encouragement and abuse flow from his mouth in equal quantities. Strengths: Never afraid to advise team-mates. Weaknesses: Man Utd shirt with own name on back, collar worn Cantona style.
JON "BRAMMERS" BRAMLEY Gazelle-like utility man, equally effective in a variety of positions. Strengths: Eager to please the manager. Weaknesses: Tricky two-yard finishes.
