PERSONAL
Date of Birth: 02/02/73
Birthplace: Norwich, a fine city
FOOTBALL
Team supported: Norwich City (Pride of Anglia)
Best and worst memory of your team: Best – Beating Bayern Munich in the 1993 UEFA Cup at the Olympic Stadium (still the only English team to beat Munich at home).
Worst – Relegation to Division One in 1995 after losing 2-1 at Leeds. Boy was I in a mood that weekend.
Your team’s best and worst player (current or non-current): Best – Robert Fleck (first spell) Oh, the arrogance of the man. Worst – Darren Beckford. Nuff said.
Most memorable England match: Easy. 1990 World Cup England v West Germany.
Best and worst England player seen: Best – Paul Gascoigne circa 1990.
Worst – Geoff Thomas (remember England v France in 1993 at Wembley) and Neil "Fatboy" Webb.
Position you play: Standing up.
Your best and worst moment as a player: Best – kicking the ball right into Shaun "Monkey" Clewlow's nuts.
Worst – failing to make the school football team because I didn't kick the ball far enough. Mr Walker will never be forgiven, the bastard.
DRINKING
Favourite pint: Guinness or Babycham
Number of pints before you fall over: Can't remember.
Number of pints before you hit the shorts: See above.
Favourite short when the going gets tough: No, sorry, it's still a bit hazy.
Amount of alcohol (pints plus shorts) before you’re seriously ill: Oh, give me a break!
Favourite venue after closing time - club/curry house/strip joint/gambling den/bed: Melanie Sykes' bedroom.
First thing you normally do on returning home from heavy drinking session (if memory serves): Go for a piss then go to bed. Or is it the other way round.
Favourite breakfast after aforementioned session: Cold vindaloo washed down with lager and fag ash. Come on!!!
WOMEN
Woman you’d most like to be washed up on a desert island with: Only one! All right then – Helena Bonham-Carter, Cameron Diaz, Sheryl Crow, Christina Ricci, Elle McPherson, Miss Spain 1999 (can't remember her name) and Miss Wilson. No, sorry, can't do it.
FAVOURITE
Newspaper: Don't mention that word. I used to work on one you know.
Non-alcoholic drink: What are they?
Food: Need you ask. Chicken vindaloo.
Holiday destination: Hot, sandy with plenty of easy women. Southend it is then.
Film: Angel Heart or Bambi. Depending if I'm feeling horny.
Book: Nick Hornby's High Fidelity. He nicked my life story.
Television programme: Naked bimbos play chocolate tiddlywinks, I think it's on L!VE TV.
Music: Anything except heavy fucking metal.
Band: Stones Roses.
Album: The Stones Roses. Oh the memories. I lost my virginity to She Bangs The Drums.
LEAST FAVOURITE
Newspaper: Daily Mail. Need I say more.
Non-alcoholic drink: Blood. It tastes disgusting.
Food: Celery and parsnips. In that order.
Holiday destination: Germany. It's full of Germans.
Film: Electric Blue 5: Readers Wives. The shock I got seeing my mum. I tell you.
Book: Watership Down. The bunnies get killed!
Music: Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel. It's those bunnies again.
OTHERS
All time sporting hero: Bryan Gunn. "Gunn, Gunn, Bryan, Bryan Gunn. He's got got one hair but we don't care. Bryan. Bryan Gunn." The man is a legend.
Your ideal weekend: It would involve a Swedish convent, a cucumber, a video camera, four litres of whipped cream and a ferret. You guess the rest.
The one thing that really makes your blood boil: Knowing that I'll never have that idea weekend. Ain't life a bitch!
