THE HUMOUR PAGE
Various tid-bits collected from who knows where, to lighten your day.
-THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT THE OFFICE-
You! Off of my planet!
Do I look like a people person?
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
Allow me to introduce my selves.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
How about never? Is never good for you?
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I think it's time to up your medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh ...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of bull.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
I'm really easy to get along with, once you learn to worship me.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
The fact that no one understands you, doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
-OTHER THOUGHTS-
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
All men are idiots, & I married their king.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I need someone really bad, are you really bad?
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
All men are animals, some just make better pets.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Don't call them gay's, they're vaginally challenged.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill it.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to ME!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
If you look like your passport picture you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation because it may not pass your way again.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Go ahead & piss me off, I've got plenty of places to hide the bodies.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. It's the writers who're from Mars.
If you must choose between two evils pick the one you've never tried before.
That's what my Mom used to tell me too, but at least SHE did my laundry for me.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It lets you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Before you criticize walk a mile in their shoes. So if they're angry, they'll be a mile away & barefoot.
-ONLY IN AMERICA...-
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Do banks leave both doors open & chain the pens to the counters.
Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, AND a diet coke.
Do they have hot dogs in packages of ten & buns in packages of eight.
Are cars worth thousands of dollars left in the driveway, while useless junk is left in the garage.
Drugstores make the sick walk to the back for their prescriptions while healthy people buy cigarettes in front.
They use answering machines to screen calls, but use call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
-SIGNS OF THE NEW CENTURY-
You check your E-mail every hour.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
You're already late on the assignment you just received.
You read this entire list and you keep nodding & smiling.
Your relatives describe your job as "works with computers".
You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.
When you're at home you still hit the # key aftr you dial a number.
As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to someone else.
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they are not online.
You e-mail the guy who works at the desk next to you to ask if he wants to get a Coke.
When you make phone calls from home, you automatically dial a "9" to get an outside line.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
It crosses your mind that your "jokes group" may have already seen this list. But you don't have time to check, so you forward it anyway.
-FUN ELEVATOR ACTIVITIES-
Meow, occasionally.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.!"
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Each time the elevator door opens say, "Here's JOHNNY!"
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Frown and mutter "I Gotta go, I gotta go!" then sigh and say "Oops!"
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Open your briefcase or purse, & peering inside saying: "Got enough air in there?"
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake & ask them to call you Admiral.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space"
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Go into an elevator holding a box with a beeping watch init set to go off a few seconds after you are inside the elevator. When it beeps, yell out, "Oooooooh my God! We've only got 10 seconds left!"
When there's only one other person in the elevator with you mumble, "No, not this one, he seems like a nice person, we shouldn't do anything bad to them."
If you've made someone feel uncomfortable by doing any of these things tell them that they were on "Candid Camera".
-REAL INSTRUCTIONS-
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some ACTUAL label instructions on consumer goods:
On a peanuts can: "Warning: Contains nuts"
On Nytol sleep aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping"
On packaging for an iron: "Do not iron clothes on body"
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap"
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost"
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use"
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only"
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating"
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts"
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside"
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly"
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): "Do not turn upside down"
On a children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking medication"
-JOB APLICATION-
This is (supposedly) an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida. They hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
EDUCATION: Well, I went to school.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no. On my breaks, all the time.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens & post-it notes.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Well, I'm unemployed so I've got LOTS of free time.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday & Thursday.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think a more appropriate question would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
DO YOU HAVE ANY CONDITIONS THAT PREVENT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50lbs?:
Of what?
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Well if I lied, then you wouldn't hire me. But if I told the truth, then you probably wouldn't hire me either, so...
SIGN HERE: Aries.
-TRUE LIFE EQUATIONS-
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $1 for a $2 item he needs.
A woman will pay $2 for a $1 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after marriage.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after is the beginning of a new argument.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
You can't baptize cats.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not for the toy.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
I finally got my head together, and now my body fell apart.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
It is bad to suppress laughter, it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, & it shrinks two sizes.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
You know you're old when you tie your shoes & wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body & fat are really good friends.
Inside us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with some chocolate cake.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair, that you got from a roller coaster.
Why don't women over 50 have kids? If they put them down somewhere, they might forget where they were.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
You believe in Santa Claus
You don't believe in Santa Claus
You are Santa Claus
You look like Santa Claus
-ANAGRAMS-
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Princess Diana = Ascend in Paris
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
= In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." =
Thin man ran, makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag
on moon, on to Mars!
