THE DOUBLE FUNERAL

A woman was walking down a street when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession going to the nearby cemetery. Two black hearse's were being followed by a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The passer by couldn't stand the curiosity.

She approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss, and I know it's a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this."

"That's OK honey." The woman with the dog replied, "That first hearse is for my husband. My dog attacked & killed him, after he started yelling at me."

She inquired further, "Who's in the second hearse?" The widow answered, "Oh, that's my mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband, when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?" said the passer by. "Oh sure sweety, but you gotta get in line."

-THE BULLFROG-

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. But after looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well", the clerk replied, "I have a bullfrog, they say it's trained to do blowjobs!" "Blowjobs?" the woman replied. "Well it hasn't been proven, but we've sold 100 of them this month!" said the clerk. The woman thought that if nothing else, it would make a great gag gift.

She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, they laughed it off & went to bed. Several hours later she was awakened by a noise coming from the kitchen, her husband wasn't in bed so she figured he'd gone downstairs for a snack. When he had been gone for over an hour, she went downstairs to see what was taking him so long. When she got to the kitchen, she found her husband and the frog reading cookbooks together. "What the hell are you doing with that stupid frog doing at this hour?" She asked.

The husband replied, "Stupid frog? Well sweety, if I can teach this green babe to cook, your ass is outta here!"

-THE GOLF "BALL"-

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair". Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do." "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And now," the couple both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we Both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly. "No shit! Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in genies?"

-THE HAIRCUT

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded:

"Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome, the rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man came in as usual for his haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was WONDERFUL" explained the man, "Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 22 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidental suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky! As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait. Five minutes later, we talked to the Pope for a whole hour!"

"What did he say?" asked the barber.

"Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

-BLONDE CELL PHONES-

Morris wanted to get his blonde wife Sherry something nice, so he got her a cell phone. Their anniversary came and he gave Sherry the phone. So, she goes to the beauty shop & her phone rings. It's Morris & he says "How do you like your new cell phone?", & she reply's, "Oh I just love it! It's so small and your voice is so clear, but there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"

-THE SUPER HUSBAND-

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are un-realistic & impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

-THE EXAM-

A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

-CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL, MATH EXAM-

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she ever climb a tree!

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THE "POLISH" COMPUTER VIRUS

*ATTENTION* You have just received the "Polish computer virus"...
STEP #1: Since we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive, & manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. STEP #2: Please immediatly withdraw all all your money in small, preferably un-marked bills, & mail it to the following address...

Completeslov Dork-ichuck
69 Youvfoundme Rd
Cracow, Poland

Thank you, for your co-operation. Have a nice day.

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JACK & JILLS HONEYMOON

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a chat. "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on."

So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them." So I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm, great advice dad!" says Jack. So, on his honeymoon Jack tells Jill the same thing. Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."

So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says,"Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

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JUMPING LUNCH

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; "Corned beef and cabbage." If I get Corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed; "Burritos again." If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Redneck opened his lunch and said; "Bologna again." "If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next Day The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too. The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death also.

At The Funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says; "If I'd known how really tired hewas of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again." The Mexican's wife also weeps and says; "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas, I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife... Hey, don't look at me," she said, "That dumb-ass makes his OWN lunch!"

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THE NEW MONK

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son"

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying hysterically. "Awww, for Christs sakes, the word is supposed to be celebrate, CELEBRATE!".

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THE VETRINARIAN

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed a $100 bill in the collection plate at church. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with gratitude, approached her.

"I'm so thankful for your generous donations to our church every week."

"Oh, it's no problem." she replied, "Every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered.

"I'm surprised that a veterinarian can make such a good income." said the Priest.

"Oh, that's because he has two places! One cat house in Las Vegas, & another in Reno!"

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First grade...true story

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes...

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Spiders in the Garden

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating." he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?".
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and squashed the spiders flat. "We're not having THAT sort of shit in OUR garden."

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-FEET-

One day in sunday school, the teacher asked "what part of the body do you think should go to heaven first?" One child replied "I think feet go to Heaven first, "cause one I night I saw Mommy with her feet up in the air lying bed yelling 'Oh God, I'm coming - I'm coming!'"

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Proud to be Canadian

President George W. Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency;

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the American President cried. This is a disaster!" "George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.

"Oh, and one small favour, please?" said President George W. "Oui?" "Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long, with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush. "No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister.

Cretien hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, and sen'dem to Hamerica." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge, blanc et bleu in colour, hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter." "That's easily done. Anything else?"

"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem; MADE IN CANADA, size: SMALL. PROUD TO BE CANADIAN

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