- THE BEHAVIOR OF MEN VERSES WOMEN -
PERKS OF BEING A MAN
No maxi-pads.
Same work. More pay.
Wrinkles-add character.
The world is your urinal.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
You can open all your own jars.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong friends.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 10 relatives on December 24th in 30 minutes.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
Things men know for sure about women... They have breasts.
TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = My mistakes don't count.
We need to talk = I need to complain about what you are doing.
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = I'll let you screw this up by yourself...
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're not going to like.
TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay.
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I love you, too = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you.
Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing I'm a deep person & then maybe you'll have sex with me.
POINT SYSTEM FOR MEN
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. Don't expect to get any points for doing something she expects, 'cause that's just the way the game is played...
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
in the snow +8
but return with beer -5
and no liners -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her cat -40
AT A PARTY:
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -10
With breast implants -30
HER BIRTHDAY:
You remember her birthday 0
You buy a card and flowers 0
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night & your face is painted the colours of your favorite team -10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
Go with a pal 0
The pal is happily married +1
The pal is single -7
He drives a Ferrari -10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED) -15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a chick flick +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called Death Cop III -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. -15
YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable pot belly -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -100
THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" -100
Any other response -20
COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50
You're mind wanders to sports & you suddenly hear her say "well, what do you think?" -50
you have fallen asleep -100
MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED
NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne & Rose go to lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne & Rose.
If Mike, Charlie & John go out, they will refer to each other as Fat Boy, Nut-Head & Scrappy.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie & John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller & none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, they have their pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A woman will pay $2 for a $1 item she wants.
A man will pay $1 for a $2 item on sale that he doesn't want.
BATHROOMS:
In his bathroom a man has: a toothbrush, comb, shaver, aftershave, soap & towel from a Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 137. 130 that a man could not identify.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they like cats, but when women aren't looking, men throw the cat out.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, read & get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings & funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
A woman knows all about her children, favorite foods, best friends, fears, hopes, dreams & appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
