for my sweet Shelly... who made me realize that the grey is better than the black, and that the light is bound to show up one day..... maybe even stay around for a while....

the way we want it to be
has nothing to do with how it is
what would make us happy
has no relevance to reality
things will always be as they must be
and we must accept them as they come
because to fight the master plan
is to create your own hell
yet to give in to normalcy
is to accept less then what's deserved
or is that possible?
to accept less than what's deserved?
so much to think about
so much to fear
so much to confuse and distort
but i have you
to try and keep me grounded
to keep my feet on the floor
and my head from exhausting itself
i have your strength to draw from
and your love to find solace in
no matter what form your love takes from here
i know that's it's not being taken away
and that in some form it will alway live
forever and a day

For my mother...

As you held your tiny, new precious baby,
You talked to the good Lord above
You prayed for her now and for her when she grew to be a lady
That He would hold her safely in His hands.

As she grew you watched and you taught her;
You knew when to stand back and let go.
You knew you had done what you could for her;
And now it was her turn to stand.

You see her all grown and now out on her own
And you smile and thank God again
For giving you strength and never leaving you alone
On this journey which never will end.

Looking back you see all the struggles and tears
And you remember so many smiles.
Once more you thank God for all of the years
Spent molding this beautiful life.

She sees in me what i can't see
maybe where i don't want to see
She sees the strength to overcome
where i see the fear to try.
She sees the beauty of the soul
where i see the shadows of pain.
She sees the love capable of changing
where i see the hate and betrayal.

She thinks she can make me see
but i know mine is the true picture.
She wants to try and help me
but i know i'll only hurt her.
She dreams of future happiness
but i fear the pain that will come.
She wants to hold me and tell me of her love
bit i need to run before it's too late.

She gives me so much every day
and i take what she gives and i wish
She tells me things will be okay
and i nod and agree; then i cry-- knowing.
She talks of the beauty of love
and i answer "in a perfect world..."
She stands by my side, holding my hand
and i look for the strength to let go.

You say you love me,
With a love that is 'unconditional'.
But would you love me if you knew?
You say you're proud of me,
For all the things I do,
But would you be proud of me if you knew?
You say you'll support me
In each of my life's endeavors.
But would you support me if you knew?
No, you wouldn't love me, take pride in me or support me
If you knew my secret.
So my life must stay just that
A secret, a lie, a total deception.
All because I need you,
Your love, your pride, your support.
I need each of those things as much as i need my own life.
So I will kep them both.
Yet I will keep them separate.

© June 20, 1997

To J (and kids) with Love

When a mother looks at her child,
She feels so many different emotions.
Love: absolute and unconditional;
Fear: this life is hers to sustain;
Strength: with each of his smiles, she grows a bit;
Joy: his evolution to manhood is her journey also;
Uncertainty: the future holds so many obstacles and trimphs.
Each of these feelings, in the right proportions,
Bind together to create the perfect mom.
If every any woman was ready
For the challenges and joys which motherhood brings
It is you.
Be strong, mommy. I know you'll do great!