I took away the author's name in case she didn't want it plastered in cyberspace. I didn't write this. I got this as a forward email a long time ago.
DISCLAIMER: There IS violent content and I have cleaned up as much as I can of the bad language to make it less offensive. Also, this was written back when *NSYNC was still with Transcon so don't send me any mail about that.
(The phone rings, and Justin gets up from his couch to answer.)
Justin: yello?
Scary Voice: Hello, Justin.
Justin: Um...Who is this?
Scary Voice: Well, you tell me.
Justin: I have no idea.
Scary Voice: Do you like scary movies?
Justin: Yeah G! I saw that Spice Girl movie 20 times, yo!
Scary Voice: That's not what I'm talking about you idiot! I mean HORROR movies! Like "Halloween H20" and sh** like that!
Justin: Ohhhh!! Nah homes, I don't watch much crap like that. At least not without my mommy around..hold up a sec. Who da hell is this? I've gotta fly honey comin' over in a second, so I can't be wastin' my flava on you!
Scary Voice: Her name wouldn't be...Britney-would it?
Justin: HELLS NO! I wouldn't touch that skank if ya'll PAID me!
Scary Voice: Then who the hell did I tie up on the patio?
Justin: WHAT?!
(Justin runs to the sliding door and turns on the patio lights. There sits Britney, tied to a chair bruised and bleeding.)
Justin: Yo-it's about time someone did that!
Scary Voice: We're going to play a little game, Justin. If you answer the question right, Britney lives. If you get it wrong, then I kill her and leave her body in your Benz.
Justin: My Benz! Oh my God, da blood will neva come out of the upholstery!(Justin starts to cry.) Okay, okay! I'll play yo game, G!
Scary Voice: First question...name the other members of *NSYNC in 10 seconds or less.
Justin:{pausing} Uhh, well...um, there's JC,...what's-his-face Chris!...uh, there's one named Lance, right? Okay, dats four...
Scary Voice: Times up! Say bye-bye to Britney! (Justin watches in horror as Britney is gutted, her fat rolls out falling all over the patio.)
Scary Voice: Now, Justin. On to Round Two...what color are you?!
(Justin is silent, pondering to himself.)
Scary Voice: Are you BLACK or WHITE, Justin?
Justin:(finally, after a hesitation, he answers)...Yo, is dis a trick question?
Scary Voice: Wrong answer, Justin!
(A dark figure, wearing a white ghost mask, suddenly jumps through the glass door. He stabs Justin 34 times (violent much?) and hangs his body from the rafters.)
Justin (dying): Joey!...Dats...who da other..one...is! (The next day at Transcon, *NSYNC finds out the horrible news...)
Lance(hanging up the phone): Hey, you guys, I got some bad news. Somebody killed Justin last night.
Chris: WHAT?!
JC: Oh my God! Justin's dead?! Without Justin, we're ruined! Who else can even get 8-year-olds sexually aroused but him? (besides Brian and Kevin from BSB) Certainly not any of us.
Joey: Hey, when are we eating?
Chris: Is that all you can think about? My BEST FRIEND is dead! He was the only one who ever laughed at my jokes! I'm screwed!
Lance: Hey, on the plus side, somebody killed Britney too.
JC: Well, I guess every cloud does have a sliver lining.
(One of their managers, Lou Pearlman, enters the room.)
Lou: Boys, I'm sure you've heard the terrible news. I'm probably losing thousands of dollars as we speak. Anyway, to be on the safe side, I'm imposing a curfew on you. You must all be indoors by 9 o'clock.
(Lou exits.)
Chris: What a fat piece of crap.
Joey (looking up from a bag of chips): Huh?
Chris: No, not you Joey. I was talking about Lou.
Joey: Oh.
JC: So what are we going to do?
Lance: Well, if we have to be in by nine, why don't we invite all of our friends over so we won't be lonely.
JC: Yeah, but Lance, you don't have any friends.
Lance: Oh yeah. Okay, why don't we just all get wasted and make fun of Joey instead?
JC and Chris: Okay!
(Later that night at Chris' house.)
Chris: Hey, can somebody get me another beer?
Lance: Yeah me too.
JC: Me three.
(They all turn to stare at Joey.)
Joey: How come I'm always the one who has to get the beer?
JC: What else are you good for?
Lance: Hey Joey, I think there's a Coke in the garage.
Joey: Coke?
Lance(nodding): Yeah, a superman-shaped one. You can have it if you get us more beer.
Joey: SUPERMAN-SHAPED!! Oh my God, I think I just got excited!
JC: That was more than I needed to know.
(Joey takes off running. He enters the garage and looks around excitedly. His excitement soon turns to confusion.)
Joey: Hey, I don't see any coke! But Lance wouldn't LIE to me! I've shared too much of myself with him to do that!
(Suddenly, the door slams. Joey whirls around only to come face to face with the dark, scary ghost-faced man.)
Joey: What the hell?
(The killer raises a knife and charges at Joey. Joey shrieks and tries to squeeze through the cat door, only to find that his head is the only thing he can fit.)
Joey: Well, this is...awkward.
(The killer hits the garage door opener and Joey is decapitated. Poor Joey. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the house...)
JC (returning from the bathroom, YES, contrary to teenbopper belief, *NSYNC DOES use the bathroom!): Hey guys, what's taking Joey so long?
Chris: Who cares? He's gone. Let's enjoy the moment.
JC: Well, I'm going to check on him.
(JC heads to the garage, and discovers Joey's body hanging from the door.
Suppressing the urge to vomit, he runs back to the living room to tell Chris and Lance what he's discovered.)
JC(panicking): You guys! Joey's dead!! I saw his body hanging...(trailing off) Uh, guys, why are you SMILING like that?
(Lance and Chris look at each other and laugh.)
Lance: What's not to smile about? Justin's dead, Joey's dead, and soon you'll be dead!(Lance raises a bloody knife and slowly advances towards JC.) You like my knife? It's an antique. As BOP reported, I really do collect them. But you already knew that, didn't you, JC? That's because you know everthing, don't you?
JC: Chris! Help me out here!
Chris: Help! HELP? Why? So you can steal more of my solos later? Don't think so.
JC: Why? Why would you do something like this?
Lance: Why? 'Cause I'm from MISSI-F***ING-SSIPPI, THAT'S WHY! Or how about this, let's see, how you would feel if people constantly told you that you couldn't dance, that you were really a girl, and that you were getting it on with JOEY?! You would want to kill people too!
JC: You've got a point...but Lance, all those things are true.
Lance: Shut the hell up!
JC: Chris? What about you, what's YOUR motive, huh?
Chris: My motive? I'm a 27 year old virgin (not really but whatever*) with dreadlocks, and the only people who see me as a sexual being are under the age of fourteen. Plus, I'm the CRAZY one of the group! It comes with the territory!
JC: Fair enough.
Lance: But you haven't even seen the best part.(Lance snaps his fingers)Chris! Bring the surprise!
(Chris disappears and returns with a blond boy, gagged and bound.)
JC: Oh my God! you've kidnapped Nick Carter!
Lance: Picture this: Nick realizes that he is not the number one sex symbol in America anymore because a certain JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. He snaps, and goes on a killing spree. He kills all the members of *NSYNC, except, of course me and Chris.
Chris: Being the stupid jackass that he is, he forgets that we're in the group...actually, most people tend to forget that.
Lance: Then, the reality of what he's done hits him, and he kills himself. It's perfect!
JC: Yeah, except...hey, what's Topanga doing here?
(Lance turns around quickly. JC quickly kicks the knife out of Lance's hand and grabs it. He stabs Chris through the forehead. Chris stumbles and falls face-first into the kitty-litter box.)
Lance: Wow, he finally did something funny.
JC: I'll say.
(The two continue to struggle as Nick Carter wets his pants for the fifth time. Finally, JC manages to tip the refrigrator over, crushing Lance's skull. JC unties Nick.)
Nick: Oh, JC! Your my hero!
JC: Dude, get the hell off me.(JC brushes himself off.) Hey, now I finally have a solo career! What a great ending! I'm freeeeeeeeeeeee!
THE END
*Jay's side note: Being a virgin isn't a bad thing in the least!
