Crew Announcements

Here are some announcements that have been heard:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane inmediately."

"Folks, we have reached our crusing altitude now, so I am going to turn the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about the airplane as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it is a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

"This aircraft is equipped with video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxi. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

"...To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. It works like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you should not be out in public unsupervised."

The weather at our destination is 50 degrees farenheit with some broken clouds, but they will try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you."

"Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation aid, and in the event of a emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure you gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

After a really hard landing: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened until the captain taxis what's left of our plane to the gate."

And here are some announcements that you never want to hear:

"Hey Folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra bag of peanuts."

"This is your captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device."

It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie."

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