Grab Ankles!

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Have you farted yet?", Jim asks.
"No...", answers Bud.
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX.

Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content, it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.

"This is the Captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard flight 123 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the right hand side of the aircraft, you will observe that both engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the left hand side, you will observe that the wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with a group of people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed… But don't worry we have three engines left. However, the flight will be an hour longer".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed...But don't worry we have two engines left. However, the flight will be two hours longer."
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed… But don't worry we have one engine left. However, the flight will be three hours longer."
One blonde looked at the other blonde and said "Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever"

Four men were in an airplane, which was going down in flames. There were only 3 parachutes, though. The priest says "I should go! everybody needs religion!" they agree and he jumps. Another guy says "I'm the smartest man on earth! Everyone needs my inteligence!" so he jumps. The old guy says to the hippie "I am old, and you have a whole life ahead of you, so you jump." But the hippie replies "Chill dude! We can both go! the smartest man on earth jumped with my back-pack.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes of life to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, well built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman.
He demands: "Iron this shirt"

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten were blond and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off the rope because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die.
After a bit, when no one could decide who should go, the brunette said: "I'll get off, but first I want to say something."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off to save the rest,... the blondes started to clap.
Problem solved.....

While cruising at 40,000 feet, one of the engines blows up. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Smiling confidently, the pilot came out from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. Then, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Aren't those parachutes?", asked one of the passengers. The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help..."

The worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery. Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

There are three ladies flying in first class. The plane is about to crash. One of the ladies takes her bottle of perfume out and starts spraying it all over her body. The second one asks why she is doing that. She says because they will find her body by the scent. The second one takes all her jewelry and puts it on. The third one asks why she is doing that. She says: "They will find my body by my jewels". Finally, the third lady takes her panties off. The other two look at her and ask stunned, why are you doing that? And she responds: "Because I heard that the first thing that they look for is the Black Box".

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," replied the flight attendant, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

What was the feature movie on TWA flight 800?.....Forget Paris.

And the second movie?.....Splash.

What did one crocodile of the Everglades tell another crocodile of the Everglades?.....ValuJet tickets are cheap...but the meals are so good!

An airplane is flying over an airport and the pilot radios in: "I can't get the landing gear in position. From the tower, the controller quickly responds: "Try everything you can!" Pilot: "I am! I am!" "Then in that case...," the tower responds, "...say hello to my grandma in heaven." And the pilot says: "Why don't you tell her yourself?" Tower: "How can I tell her myself?" Pilot: "Because I'm headed straight for the Tower!!!"