Dancing in the Aisles

The Difference Between Airplanes and Women:

An airplane will kill you quick . . . a woman takes her time.
Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
Airplanes don't have parents.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.

On a flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in business or first class".
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and business is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."
With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you......"

Stupid Question, Stupid Answer:

Flight Attendant: "How did you find your meat, sir?"
Passenger: "With a magnifying glass."

At the check-in counter a customer wants to check three bags. He puts them down and says to the agent, "I'd like you to send this one to Rio, that one to Sydney and the last one to Cape Town"
"I'm afraid I can't do that sir" , the check-in agent said.
"Why the fuck not," replied the customer, " you did it the last time I flew with you."

A gentleman seating in first class ordered a beer. He drank half, then threw the rest at the flight attendant. He apologized, explaining it was a compulsion he'd had for years that embarrassed him terribly. The flight attendant told him to see a psychiatrist and warned him not to fly again until he had done so.
A few months later, the gentleman fly again, first class, same flight, same flight attendant. He ordered a beer, drank half, and threw the rest all over the flight attendant.
"I told you not to come back here until you'd seen a shrink about your compulsion!, the flight attendant yelled.
"I have been seeing one," replied the man indignantly.
"Well, it hasn't done any good," roared the dripping flight attendant.
"Yes, it has," said the man. "I'm not embarrassed about it anymore."

As the sun begins to rise, the cabin of the jetliner is suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been sleeping since boarding, snarl at a flight attendant. The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and stops shaking.
Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately. A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying.
"My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."
"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man.
"Then what's the matter?
Sobbing loudly he says, "I'm trying to give up drinking."
Submitted by Lisa

A nun is walking through an airport to catch a plane to the Vatican. As she rounds the corner to her gate she sees a machine with a sign that reads," Your Weight And Fortune - 5 Cents".
The nun does not believe in such things, however, she goes over to the machine and inserts a nickel. A card comes out which says,
" You are a nun, you weigh 125 lbs. and before you board your plane you will pass gas.".
The nun is unimpressed and proceeds on to her gate. ten seconds later she rips a window rattling blast of gas. She is naturally shocked and goes back to the machine.
With another nickel she gets a card that says, " You are a nun, you weigh 125 lbs. and before you board your plane you will be raped.".
The nun laughs (because who in the world would rape a nun) and heads for her plane. ten seconds later a masked man jumps out from behind a corner, throws her on the floor, throws one to her, and runs away.
The nun is flabergasted and runs back to the machine to see what else her life has in store for her.
The next card comes out with the message, " You are a nun, you weigh 125 lbs. and with all of your farting and fucking around, you missed your plane!"

There were three priests in an airport, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a well endowed, gorgeous, amazing ticket agent.. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three tickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,
"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag. After the plane landed I got up to leave and a flight attendant approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."submitted by Lisa

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to apologize for the delay. It is crucial to the company that we provide the same service to all of our customers. The ground crew was on break and we had to wait for them to return to insure that the right number of bags were sent to the wrong location." submitted by Lisa

What's the difference between first class and coach?....."In first class the stewards clean up after the animals. In coach, you have to." submitted by Lisa

The 5 reasons why airplanes are better than women:

1. Airplanes can be turned on by the flick of a switch.
2. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
3. Airplane skin does not wrinkle as badly.
4. An airplane does not balk if you 'touch and go.
5. Airplanes come with manuals.

Two elderly vultures decided they would fly south this year for vacation, so they made reservations with an airline.
They arrived at the airport, and the clerk looked at their luggage and asked if they wanted to check in as baggage the two dead raccoons they brought with them to snack on.
"No," the vultures said. "They're carrion."
submitted by Debbie

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that airplane."
And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
"That airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

A mother and her son were flying "Wonder Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
He said that she had.
So she said, "Tell your mother that WonderArilines always pulls out on time."

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The Stewardess noticed that he was walking short steps and had a look of pain on his face. "Sir:, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said so.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.

The flight attendant asks a cannibal in fisrt class: "Would you like to see the menu?" And the cannibal responds: "No. Can I see the passenger list? Thank you!"

A few days after Chistmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son said, "All of you sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off now.
"The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A Baptist minister and a Rabbi are flying together in an airplane. the Flight Attendant ask them if they would like something to drink. The Rabbi answers: "I will have a Martini, Thank you".
The minister roll his eyes in surprise and tells the Rabbi: "How dare you? I'd rather commit adultery before profaning my body with alcohol!" And the Rabbi quickly says: "Well, Forget about the Martini!...I didn't know I had a choice!

During boarding a man approaches the aircraft door, opens his fly and exposes his penis. The Flight Attendant says: "I'm sorry Sir, but you have to show your ticket not your stub!

A mother had three daugthers and on their wedding day she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse". The mother is confused but finally noticed that a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said; "SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP..." So Mother was happy.
The second daughter got married and the message read; "Rothmans". So the mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother was happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come trough. When it did the message was simply "British Airways". Mother was so concerned, She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted. The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS".

Gore and the Clinton's are flying on the Air Force One. Bill looks at Al and says, "I could throw a $100 bill out the window and make one person happy." Al chuckles and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people happy." Then Hillary says, "I could throw 100 $1 bills out the window and make 100 people happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them, and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy".

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets". -Mel Brooks

"If God had really intended men to fly, He would have made it easier to get to the airport." -George Winters

A passenger asked a flight attendant, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The flight attendant replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet". The passenger's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could you tell me how wide it is?"

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