Sterile Cockpit

There was an aged pilot who was known for being obnoxious. Not only did the flight attendants hate him for his crude remarks but the other pilots despised him for giving all pilots a bad name.
Seems he was particularly infamous for calling the flight attendants in their hotel rooms shortly after reaching the layover hotel. This call was generally an indecent proposal. Although this proposition was universally declined, he obviously maintained hope that some day his luck would change.
One evening after a long day he made his regular phone call to a young flight attendant who had been very nice to him all day. With hopes high he suggested that he come to her room. Being a new hire and impressed with his position of authority she somewhat reluctantly agreed on the condition that the other members of the crew be kept in the dark the following day. Our intrepid aviator gladly agreed to her terms.
Thinking that he would make quick work of this neophyte he ran to the elevator all the while thinking of the bragging rights that he would soon have. Reaching her room he found the door ajar. Upon entering he heard the shower running. The young but not so innocent flight attendant called out to him, "You'll find some wine on the desk. Why don't you pour a couple of glasses and join me for a shower?" Not believing his good fortune his trembling hands poured the wine and tore off his clothes. Fully at attention and with a drink in both hands he threw open the bathroom door.
Inside he found the beautiful young flight attendant and the rest of the flight crew, fully clothed.

The Pilot's Prayer

Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, Thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.

There were three pilots. One was from navy, second one was from airforce and the third one was from an airline. All of them were talking big about themselves.
The airforce pilot said: "we pilots in airforce are the best, we got such good brains that if something happens to us and our brains get scattered, our doctors are so good that they collect all our brains put it together and next day we are back in flying."
The navy pilot said: "we pilots in the navy are the best, we got such strong guts that we take off and land on the moving ship, if something happens to us and our guts get scattered in the sea then our doctors are so good they collect all our guts, put them together and next day we are back in flying."
The Airline pilot was listening to them very patiently, when both of them finished he said: "we pilots from the airline are the best, we have no brains and no guts but still we fly."

What does a pilot have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer?.......They both eat every leg.

An Airline had a term for its second officers or flight enginners. The term was "GIB" which stood for, "Guy In Back."
The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management.
It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tom cat.
submitted by Debbie

Air Transmissions

O'Hare Approach Control: "Flight 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
Flight 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
Submitted by Debbie

A flight attendant approached a gentleman who is protesting rather loudly. "I want to complain about this airline," he grumbled. "Every time I fly, I get the same seat. I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds, so I can't sleep."
"Aw, Captain," the flight attendant replied, "Just shut up and land teh plane."

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.

What do pilots use for birth control?.....Their layover clothing. Others say it's their personality.

"10 Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs"

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.
9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause.
8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia.
6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.
5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest.
2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"
1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.

Why do pilots don't get the mad cow desease?.....Because they are all pigs.

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he'd been hoodwinked.
Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example, do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"
"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"
"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
"But once you're aloft?"
"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
"But I still don't see how you land!"
"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!', pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

What's the difference between a cockpit and a condom?.....You can put only one dick in a condom.

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.
After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don't like Chinese. "
The F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that? "
The Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. "
The F.O. said, " Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese. "
And the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike. "
Another 30 minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer said, " No like Jew. "
The Captain replied, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? "
" Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O.
The Captain tried to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg. "
" Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same "

After take-off, the captain makes his usual Welcome Aboard announcement, but forgets to turn OFF the PA system. He turns to his co-pilot and says, "Damn it Frank, I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit, hauling these cattle around. You know what I could use right now? A stiff drink and a piece of ass!"
The flight attendant in the cabin hears this exchange over the airplane's speakers and runs forward to warn the captain. Just as she's passing through first class, a passenger grabs her by the arm and says, "Miss! Aren't you forgetting his drink??"

How do you know there's a pilot in the party?.....He will tell you.

What's the difference between a Pilot and a Pig?.....The Pig doesn't turn into a Pilot after six beers.

"What do you like to do when you grow up?", ask the teacher to little Johnny. "I want to be an airline pilot.", answers little Johnny. And the teacher responds: "I'm sorry, little Johnny, you can't do both."

A woman calls the police and says: "I was just raped by a pilot". "And How do you know it was a pilot?", asks the police....."Because he was wearing a big watch, cowboy boots and after eating my pussy he cover it with a napkin."

Why do pilots like to watch porno-movies backwards?.....Because they like to see when the hooker gives the money back.

What's the last thing a pilot's wife does before having sex?.....Drop her husband at the airport.

A pilot dies and goes to hell. He is given a couple of rooms to choose from. They give him 5 minutes to look around and make a decision.
He opens the first door and sees a few pilots going through checklists. The pilot thinks: "I have had enough of that.", and proceeds to open the second door. There he finds a couple of pilots on an endless holding pattern. "Enough of that", thinks the pilot. Then he opens the third door to find a flight attendant feeding and taking care of the pilots. "Oh Well...", thinks the pilot..."I think I can handle that."
He goes back and the Devil asks him if he has made a decision. The pilot answers: "I choose the third door." and the Devil quickly replies: "Oh no...That is the Flight Attendant's Hell!"

A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport. After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality...I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..." The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three questions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?". "Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so...but it's only 2015 now..."

Why do pilots die so soon after they retire?.....Because their wives didn't know they have to feed them every hour.

An airplane is flying over an airport and the pilot radios in: "I can't get the landing gear in position. From the tower, the controller quickly responds: "Try everything you can!" Pilot: "I am! I am!" "Then in that case...," the tower responds, "...say hello to my grandma in heaven." And the pilot says: "Why don't you tell her yourself?" Tower: "How can I tell her myself?" Pilot: "Because I'm headed straight for the Tower!!!"

A lady calls 911 and tells the operator: "There's a naked pilot in my front yard". The operator responds: "But, how do you know it is a pilot?....."Because he is wearing a big black watch and is stealing my newspapers."

How did they invent copper wire?.....Two pilots fighting over a penny.

There are three pilots standing without their uniforms. How do you know which one is the Flight Engineer?...Say "Twelve O'Clock" and the Flight Engineer will turn his head to the left.

What is the difference between God and pilots?......God doesn't think He is a pilot.

There are different types of orgasms:
The Positive one: Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
The Negative one: Oh, no! Oh, no!
The Religious one: Oh, God! Oh, God! and
The Fake one: Oh, Captain! Oh, Captain!

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