People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel
Holy COWABUNGA... that is a HOTT guy! with ME!
(Prom 2003)
12/15/02~ Here I am, here sit I. Haven't been up to a whole lot, but haven't felt like messing with the website at all. I'm only doing so now because people have been bugging me about updating for a couple of months (Joanna, for instance...ACHEM)
Family, pets, school, community service, friends has kinda been the order of my priorities and life the last few months. It's shifting more as the year goes on, though, ending up being more like "Family, pets, friends, community service, school, whatever else comes up...." I have senioritis to the extreme. The only time i can get anything at all done anymore is when I get up at 2 in the morning and there's nothing really to distract me from what I ought to be doing. Hehe I'm bad... *shrug* get things done, though, which is more than I can say for most of the folks I've talked to.
Hey everyone, here's one of the cutest, nicest, sweetest, smartest guys I know... his name is Anthony.....
And here's a short little poem-ish thingy I wrote a week or so ago....
"I Could"
If only I could hold you for a second longer
Feel your warmth seep into my skin
If only I could look at you in this moment
Drink your image into memory
If only I could touch your face softly
My heart might not long for you now
If the world spun just a little bit slower
Your fingers would still be on my skin
I wouldn't be looking at a white screen
Wouldn't be holding onto a feeling
9/6/02~
It's a small room to get lost in....
Nothing but dreams of tomorrow,
You could have me for today.
You're afraid you'd hold on,
Afraid that I won't melt away
Think you've got it figured out?
I figure you for a fool
Clinging to the pretty things
Holding out for ornaments
And losing out on me
A schism between real and ideal
I'm really here, I really care
But I'm not from your mold
You're searching everywhere
Finding out they're cold
Open your eyes to a new dawn
Close your heart to me
If only your open eyes
Could look hard enough to see.
9/4/02~ I've been horrible about making posts on a regular basis, haven't I? I've thought about it quite a bit, but sometimes it just seems like a complete pain in the posterior, so I don't. I'm NAUGHTY. Oh yeah. Naughty as they come... (hehe, good thing i didn't say cum). ANYWAY, new subject...
School has started. God how I love to hate that place. *sigh* I've got a pretty darn full load for my senior year. I think I'll pass through it in a haze, and hopefully it won't bee too terribly painful if I separate my heart from my mind in that manner all year long. Well, except in German class. I love Frau, and I love the language, and yeah... hehe. I'm definitely gonna be the president for German National Honor Society this year. Hopefully I'll also be elected president in German Club as well. That would just rock for a senior year thing. I can be TWO presidents in ONE. Hehe. I have to be at school at 6:30 in the morning for a regular National Honor Society meeting. Those are just... NOT fun. Oh well, tho. They're even making me wear my NHS polo shirt tomorrow. *grimaces*
Nobody even reads this or signs the guest book. Why the heck do I even bother to write it?
8/7/02~ Today is my last day of work. My relationship with my job has been longer and more time-consuming than any relationship I've ever had with a boy. I wonder how I'll fill up my days and nights for the next week or so. I wonder... how will I adjust?
I got my senior pictures. Here are a few of them.
7/12/02~ It's 1:55 A.M. I need to be at work in seven hours. I'm tired. I've been up for 19 hours. I got three hours of sleep last night. It is best, though, to not become too attached to one's bed. Jasper's in my room keeping it warm right now. You wouldn't think a dog his size could take up the whole bed, but he manages pretty well.
I sat out in the backyard tonight. I stared up at the stars while Jasper stared up at me. To love and dream is a beautiful thing. The only thing that would have made the stars tonight better is being up in the mountains, and cuddled up against the person I'd make a wish for on the stars that fell before my eyes.
I'd sleep away the sorrow
And I'd dream away the tears
I'd let go of my yesterdays
And live free of my fears
But nights spent sleeping end so soon
And dreams become less real
I'll hold you close within my heart
And endure this pain I feel
6/12/02~ Well. here I am again. I'm always here, aren't I? No chance of missing me, no sir. I haven't been up to a whole lot of stuff. It was nice, spending a week with Rio just having fun. She's so cool, and everyone misses her now. I ate the fun dip thing she gave me, in mourning. It tasted highly of sugar. Wonder why. So yesterday I ran a lot of errands, and then worked. And today I ran a lot of errands, hung out with Grandma, sat on my bum, talked to Dad on the phone, and then sat on my bum some more. Fun fun, my friend.
Can't really say too much about what's been going on inside of my head right now. I'm happy, and sad, and confused, and excited, and upset, and frustrated at one particular situation. It would be so simple to just fulfill immediate wants and needs right now, but it wouldn't be very grown up, very mature. Personally, at this exact moment, I'm feeling like maturity is overrated, and we should all be living for the moment, because you never know what the future might bring, good or bad.
I wish you could feel my overwheming confusion
Just once when I look into your eyes as you smile
Wish you could feel my heartbeat quicken
When my ears catch your voice's tone
Wish that one of these nights I'll find you
Feeling the same way I do
It is wonderful and horrible to stand near you
Wishing that instead I stood with you
I am frustrated and moved when you say
You wish you could have me, too
I'm waiting for the sky to fall to my feet
I can only wish on so many shooting stars
Before the navy sheet falls free from heaven
And I can see you clearly, as in my dreams
6/7/02~ I would say something tonight that I believed would move you. Unfortunately, I am far too busy being moved myself to even try. I watched this evening as two people fell in love... on screen, of course. I came home (it's actually one a.m. on the eighth, now), and got online to check my mail really quick. And here's this guy that makes my tummy do flip-flops, and I'm talking to him and I can't help but smile. Hardly ever talk anymore, but it's like...so, relaxing and...right.
If I could choose a moment in time
Let me live in your eyes
At the moment we said hello
Let me drown in the hug that
You sheltered me with when I fell
For the first time into
My deepest self
5/22/02~ I don't really have too terribly much to say tonight. I've been really busy with last minute school stuff, and working and such. Two more days and I'm home free from school for a couple months...spend my summer doing summer reading for AP Lit and going over German vocab and working and doing community service... woohoo. I wrote a poem to my senior buddies tonight. Congrats to everyone getting a piece of paper that say they're done with high school because they conquered it.
Trailing after all who've gone before
Wondering what forever has in store
Walking, creeping, flying across the stage
A fairyland of feelings, a turning of a page
You'll speculate as to whether it were a dream
You'll know when it's finished that it was bittersweet
The end of everything you've built your life on
And the beginning of what you've built it for
But you've got that paper in your sweaty grasp
You grin into the crowd that watches you
While tears sparkle, streaming down your cheek.
No matter what tomorrow holds
You have the everlasting knowledge of
Everything you've done to make it this far
And the faith I have in you...
A fledgling dragon taken flight tonight
Shimmering among the stars,
Outshining the moon in his silver splendor
5/4/02~ Heh. Here I am at 1:30 in the morning (which i guess makes it technically the fifth and not the fourth. sue me). I have to be at work at ten. I am dead tired, as I worked a nine hour shift today, then did housework for two hours, then went out, got home at midnight, and came and started writing for an hour and a half. Sounds like good times, i know, but maybe I should have a little bit more of a healthy sleep/eat/live schedule. I have to work today, and tomorrow as well. Oh, and Wednesday, and Saturday, and Sunday... bleck. I'm so sick of working, and I want it all to end rather soon. There's a couple new guys working now, though, and I'm hoping they will provide a little bit of entertainment. One of the new guys I recognize, but I can't remember if he goes to my old school or my current one. Faces get kinda mixed up unless you know them really well personally. It could be fun to train the kid, though, in any event.
I bowled two games earlier. Once I got a 104, the other time I got a 106. Sucky scores, but I still beat Leah, which is enough to satisfy me for now. I want to steal a unicorn from some nearby fairyland. I wish I had a unicorn. I really do.
"Doubtless"
I feel as though I've been down this road before
Doubtless I have sung this song
Danced this little jig into long-term memory.
Take me for a walk down memory lane
And remind me exactly of how I never,
Never chose the right one from the masses
Where surely, undoubtedly, there had to be one,
At least one who could be referred to as "right,"
If not for forever, then at least for now.
No decision is my destiny, but any decision,
even to not make one, is cataclysmic.
To chase or to give up pursuit
Of my dreams, or simply the man of them.
Oy, to chase could be quite fruitless, for
I have seen him run on a warm day
Feather-light feet fairly skimming the ground
Muscles tensed and relaxed in rhythm.
'Twere his legs I watched, but my heart
That moved with him over the track.
Smile and drip thine magic over me.
Laugh so that I might memorize the tone.
Cry true tears to show me you are real.
And I shall not hide my foolish love.
5/1/02~ The first of the month. I've made it this far. Three and a half more weeks and I'm home free for the summer. Don't think the hard stuff is over, though. I could screw things up at any time, undoubtedly. Only one more week of English, though. I'm excited about that much. Yay. yay yay. You have no idea how much i despise my English class.
It seems like almost everyone at work is either quitting or being fired. I'm safe, or so I've heard. This will be a hard transition, though, making up for the hours they aren't working, and also training new people. I wish this could have waited just a little while longer. It would make thing quite a bit easier.
I need to do laundry. I've gone as long as I can since we're in the middle of a drought and we're supposed to be conserving water, but I can't skip more than one day without a shower, and I think it's a sign that you need to do something about clean clothes when you've run out of clean underwear. Tonight is the night, I'm telling you.
Jasper's been more than adorable lately. He's been downright AWESOME, SPIFFY, CUTE AS A BUTTON, INCREDIBLY COOL. I love my little boy. I'm very happy that he's been behaving himself for the past couple of months. I guess something finally (FINALLY!!!) got through to him... no, dogs aren't supposed to pee in the house, on the furniture...
I remember when I'd write a novel every day. Give all the details, right down to the color of my socks (although I wore no socks today, so we'll say they're nude-hued). I wonder whatever happened to my novel-writing days. Hell, I wonder what happened to my novel-reading days. I'm actually working my way through a book, trying to make a little time for that sort of thing since my vocabulary has suffered of late, and I think that's part of the reason. If you don't engage shit, you lose it. In other news, a short blurb, to stay with the new poetry-ish trend the journal has taken of late...
If wishes were what life was made of
My life would be full of you
I've wished enough that someday
I know that you'll come true
4/20/02~ 4/20... I wonder how many people will come into where I work today all, umm, "out of sorts." It probably won't be as serious since it isn't a school day and you don't have quite the same kind of idiot herds forming, but I'll still bet a bunch of people will be pretty darn messed up.
I spent my morning hanging out with Mom, Harry, and William today. It wasn't too bad. We went to an awards ceremony for a poem William wrote, and then we went to this coin museum place. They had some pretty neat things there.
Shooooot, I only have ten minutes before I have to go to work. I better hurry.
I want to be a hero.
Pinch Me
There was no question when
I looked into your heart.
You extended yourself slightly
And reached all of me.
I'd give you a million
Reasons why we need
To keep each other company.
We're working for something
More than we've knowledge of,
Something real yet surreal.
Pinch me,
I can't stop thinking of,
Can't stop dreaming of
Holding you tonight.
4/18/02~ Howdy do, all y'all. I should be either sleeping or doing homework, but i'm too awake for one, and too lazy for the other. Or maybe just too awake for both, because who wants to be completely alert when doing howework, anyway? I got a couple new CDs when I was on my break from work tonight. I'm listening to them now. Music makes me joyful. Ahhhh. I should stop spending all my extra money on music, but hey, my money, man. So kick me. Please don't sue me, I work hard for my money and the right to blow it.
School's pretty lame, as usual. I have senioritis a year early. I don't even want to know what I'll be feeling like come next year. Maybe then I'll actually be motivated...meh...doubt it. Four AP classes. No doubt I'll be a bit overwhelmed sometimes. I'm good at being overwhelmed, though. At least I don't have too much time to be worrying about silly boys anymore. Just every other thought that crosses my mind is about a silly boy who's just out of reach but stuck in my heart. Silly boy.
"To Dreams Too Long Delayed"
It's a hellish sort of thing
When you don't know what
You're flying towards and
You haven't grown your wings.
Oh, sure, predictability is boredom
And spontanaeity is excitement
But somehow I want my comforts
And perhaps your heart.
I was told of your intelligence
Was inspired by your wit, your wisdom,
Was moved by your compassion
And quieted by your serenity
If only I were not frustrated
That your punctuality is lacking,
For the deadline you set for meeting
Came and went a fortnight
--Or was it an eternity?--
Ago.
4/4/02~ Wow, I didn't realize it'd been a month since I wrote anything in here. Hmm, so here goes. Spring Break was pretty lame. The thing I did that was the most fun was build a snow fort, but that's not really a Springy activity. I worked... and worked... and worked. I was going to do homework, but then decided against it as homework isn't exactly what I would consider a morale booster, and it was a pretty bummerly break as it was. We've been back at school now for three days, and I've already swung an all-nighter. It wasn't even for a project or anything. I was studying for two tests that I have today because apparently five hours of family time are required these days whenever I'm not working. Doesn't leave too terribly much time for homework, now does it? It was pretty hard to stay awake, considering I haven't slept very well lately. I wrote a poem when my brain was about to explode, and then fall asleep. I think it might even be kinda ok.
"whisper"
if the sky fell down
and all the stars melted,
running in rivulets
across the velvet black...
I would wish on every one
that they should reform
and float back into the heavens
so that on clear nights
when the moon has abandoned
his weary perch to rest,
I can hope to merely glimpse
the tiniest reflection of starlight
twinkling in your eyes
as you smile at my dreams
and whisper yours to me
3/9/02~ I don't know, fellas. Work and school and fun just seem like too much trouble, sometimes. And yes, you read correctly. Fun sometimes seems like it's simply too much trouble. Or, trying to have fun, anyway. Movie night last week was a bust. And I would have gone out this weekend, but then I would have had to plan something, and take time to do something, and probably have to pick people up. And you see, i have to be honest. I'm a plain and simple bum. There's something incredibly simple and easy about just hanging out with someone, but it seems like you even have to plan that. So how have I spent my evening? Well, you see, I'm sitting here in my bath robe and pajama pants sipping hot tea (with milk and sugar), trying to be somewhat warm. I wrote a poem earlier that I will post here, and then also in the poetry section. I... ate dinner. And I tried (note that I only say 'tried') to calm down about all the people who yelled at me today that had no business yelling at me. People are such fucktarts sometimes. GRRR. I was gonna do a bunch of homework tonight, but to be honest, I simply don't feel up to it, so when I'm done messing around on the site I'm gonna read some more of one of my favorite books.
"At Sunset"
New, unknown yet familiar in every way
I wonder at this new phenomenon that
Grasps my heart, stills my breath, and
Brings a smile to my face, erasing doubt.
There is no black and white, as you
Simply make my world bloom brilliantly
With colors so rich as to make eyes water
And joys so pure as to bring me to tears.
'Tis a wondrous and sweet affair
If only in my mind at present.
'Tis a noble aspiration to make
Your mystery my knowledge.
I have not a clue what this feeling is,
Yet where it leads I'd gladly follow
Because I know it draws me towards you,
Seeking to fill the empty caverns of my heart.
I fear not my soul's newest quest
That guides me into the undiscovered
Land that is my want to hold you,
For I hope that you desire, too.
(Me on New Years 2001)
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