"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions!!"
“The worst stab wound is to the heart. Sure most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same. There’s always a scar. Which is meant, I guess, to remind you that for a little while someone made your heart beat faster. And that’s a scar you can live with proudly, all the days of your life.” ~ Augustus Hill "Oz" (possibley the best television show ever made)
“I really think people just go around their whole lives thinking that everyone but them is an idiot.” ~ Louisa Luna (Brave New Girl)
“It just seemed like the older you got the more corrupt you became and really, if you thought about it, in terms of your morals and stuff: you were dying from the day you were born.” ~ Girl
“Barnum was wrong - it's more like every 30 seconds.”
“Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.” ~ Bill Vaughan
“Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.” ~ Douglas Adams
“Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. My mother cleaned them.” ~ Rita Rudner
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." ~ Rich Cook (I don't know who he is, but that's fucking funny.)
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ~ Dan Quayle (He was a space cadet all right. Makes you proud to be an American doesn't it.)
"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored." ~ Evelyn Waugh
"I think the world is run by C students." ~ Al McGuire
"By the time I'd grown up, I naturally supposed that I'd be grown up." ~ Eve Babitz (So did I, but I appear to be on the losing end of that bet.)
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." ~ Douglas Adams
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~ Charles M. Schulz
"The purpose of life is to fight maturity." ~ Dick Werthimer
"Drama is life with the dull bits cut out." ~ Alfred Hitchcock
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." ~ Noel Coward
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
"You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?"
"Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." ~ George Bernard Shaw
"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead." ~ Erma Bombeck
"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written." ~ Oscar Wilde
"Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving." ~ David Letterman
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." ~ Benjamin Franklin
"A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for." ~ W. C. Fields
"Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience." ~ Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
"The trouble with normal is it always gets worse." ~ Bruce Cockburn
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." ~ John Benfield
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." ~ Douglas Adams
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." ~ Bill Watterson, cartoonist
"A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to." ~ Granville Hicks
"Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts." ~ Clare Booth Luce
"The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogren and stupidity." ~ Harlan Ellison
"Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth." ~ Lillian Hellman
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." ~ Mark Twain
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious." ~ Oscar Wilde
"If mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one - if he had the power - would be justified in silencing mankind." ~ John Stuart Mill
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." ~ Michel de Montaigne
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." ~ Albert Camus
"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake." ~ Jeannette Rankin
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." ~ Mark Twain
"Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae." ~ Kurt Vonnegut
"The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were." ~ David Brinkley
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is." ~ Ellen DeGeneris
"Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow." ~ Oscar Wilde
"Against logic there is no armor like ignorance." ~ Laurence J. Peter
"The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence." ~ H. L. Mencken
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." ~ Anonymous
"Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Falling in love is a condition, keeping in love an art..." ~ Mary Garden
"Eventually people are willing to admit most of their flaws - greed, jealousy, pride, hostility - but the feeling their most ashamed to admit is loneliness." ~ Rona Jaffe
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have fun with all the wrong ones." ~ Cher
"If a man is worth loving at all, he is worth loving generously, even recklessly." ~ Marie Dressler
"Sex is not a sin. Many people have complained that this is taking all the fun out of sex." ~ Dr. Ruth Westheimer
"When you meet a man, don't you always idly wonder what he'd be like in bed? I do." ~ Helen Gurley Brown
"There are worse motives for having sex the first time than plain curiosity." ~ Paula Yates
"Men are not stupid, or at least not too stupid to realize that if they didn't get sensitive real fast, they weren't going to get laid anymore." ~ Cynthia Heimel
"I was a print slut. I would read anything, anytime, anywhere: the Beano, the Spectator, and the Kellogg's cereal packet." ~ Sue Townsend
"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)" ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"The covers of this book are too far apart." ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know." ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.." ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"Accident: An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.." ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.." ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them." ~ Harry S Truman
"Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think." ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." ~ Douglas Adams