“Some of our models prefer male photographers, some of them prefer female photographers, and some of them really don’t care. Most of the time we try to be accommodating, but there are times where that’s just not possible, you know. Today happens to be one of those times.”
“Oh great.”
“I know this sucks, Wynter, but it’s almost Christmas and you are damn near the only photographer left in town.”
“But I already have a shoot scheduled for this afternoon.”
“I know, but Roland’s shoot with Gracie May was scheduled for this morning.”
“Don’t tell me, she’s already here.”
“And she’ll be ready in about ten minutes, so if you could please do this.”
“Fine, but you owe me. A shoot in someplace warm and tropical next year just might cover it.”
“Whatever you want.” I trudged down to Roland’s studio, knowing I was in for a very long morning. Gracie May was notorious for hating female photographers. When I got to the studio she was already stretched out on the chaise lounge, wearing some pink lingerie.
“What are doing here?” she squeaked.
“Well, I was planning on taking your picture.”
“Where’s Roland?”
“He’s spending Christmas with his family.”
“Well, I don’t want you here.”
“Tough shit, honey. I’m the only photographer left in the city.”
“You’re probably one of them dikes, who’s gonna drool all over me. All you girl photographers are.” Just in case you were wondering, they aren’t. In fact, I’m the only one at Playboy who has ever slept with a girl, and yet the stereotype remains.
“Oh, but it’s okay if Roland or a million other guys do.”
“That’s normal.”
“Trust me, honey, I’m not going to be drooling anywhere near you. First of all, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. And second, I like the real thing, not silicone.”
She was pouty and a pain in the ass for the rest of the morning, but at least we finished. My girl in the afternoon would be much easier. Carla Dean was the kind of girl who agreed with everyone, all of the time. I had also heard rumors that she swung both ways, but I didn’t know for sure. I had only shot her once before. I got some lunch at a nearby deli and went back to my studio. No one was there yet.
I had been in LA for about seven months and I liked it, but I was still pretty lonely. I talked to Erin at least once a week. She was acting at a small dinner theatre and Tarin was going to graduate school back at NYU. Ally was still working at the gallery, but he had withdrawn from them. Erin hadn’t seen him with any girls since I left. I missed him, but calling him just didn’t feel right. He must have felt the same way, because he hadn’t called me either.
While Ally was back in New York being celibate, I was in LA being anything but that. About a month after I arrived I started club hopping and picking up one-night stands. Most of them were girls, but there was an occasional guy thrown in for good measure. Of course, it wasn’t making me much happier, but making any of them into a relationship wouldn’t have made me happy either.
Maybe I should be going home for Christmas, but that just feels like I’m running. I need to get a life established here. Grandma had sent me Christmas presents from her, my grandpa, and my mom. I resisted the urge to open them, so I’d have something to do on Christmas.
I finished my lunch and people started to arrive for the shoot. Carla arrived a few minutes late, but they managed to get her through make up and wardrobe pretty quickly. I shot quite a few rolls of film, and make up and wardrobe were starting to leave. The last series of pictures involved Carla nude on a bed. Everyone had cleared out but me and Carla, and I had about half a roll of film left.
“You know, you are on the wrong side of the camera,” Carla said between shots.
“I like it better on this side.”
“Are you ashamed of your body?”
“No, I just like taking pictures.”
“Good, because you shouldn’t be. You are very beautiful.” There had been a couple of models that had hit on me before, but I didn’t want to mix business with pleasure. Carla was a little different, though. Most of other models were 90% silicone and collagen. Everything on Carla was given to her by Mother Nature and she was extraordinarily beautiful. “Why don’t you set the camera on a timer and come be in the picture with me?”
“Nah.”
“Oh come on, just one picture. Please,” she pouted.
“Okay, but just one.” I still am not entirely sure why I agreed. I put a camera on a tripod and set the timer. I hopped onto the bed with her but instead of putting her arm around me like I expected, she kissed me. The shutter on the camera snapped shut, but she didn’t stop kissing me. In the back of my mind there was a little voice telling me to stop, but I wasn’t listening. We had sex on the bed in the studio. Afterward, we got dressed, went and got food, and then went back to her place. She was really nice and the sex was great, but neither of us wanted a relationship. When she went home for Christmas, we decided to break it off.
On Christmas morning I called my grandparents and opened all my Christmas gifts. After watching Christmas specials and baking way more goodies than I needed, I decided I needed to get out of the apartment. I was going crazy thinking about how lonely I had been lately. Carla had been a nice distraction, but I needed some friends outside of work.
I suddenly remembered Nick, and wondered what the chances were that his cafe would be open. I figured I would just take my chances and drive over there. When I got to the cafe the door was locked, but I saw some movement inside. I knocked on the glass. Nick came into view and looked at me through the glass. I could see recognition dawn slowly. He unlocked the door and yanked it open.
“Oh my god, Wynter is that you?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, come inside.” He practically pulled me into the coffee shop. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”
“I wasn’t sure you’d remember me.”
“I tend to remember late night visitors, especially one with rock star boyfriends. You want a cappuccino?”
“Yeah. Ex-boyfriend.” Nick went behind the counter and pulled out a pitcher of milk.
“Pardon?”
“Rock star ex-boyfriend.”
“Oh, I noticed the absence of the ring.”
“The irony is that the breakup had nothing to do with that.” He scooped foam onto the espresso and handed me the cappuccino.
“So, what are you doing back in LA?”
“Work.”
“Work?”
“Yeah, I’m working for Playboy now.”
“What are you doing at Playboy?”
“Photographer.”
“Wow, I didn’t know you were a photographer.” We took our coffee over to one of the booths.
“So, what are you doing here on Christmas?”
“Some cleaning and repairs while the place is closed. I don’t go home for Christmas much anymore.”
“Why not?”
“My dad and I fought over my chosen career path.”
“Why?”
“My dad and uncle are mechanics and they opened a repair shop when I was young. They assumed that both my brother and I would come and work with them. My brother went to college to become a teacher and I started this place. The funniest thing of all is all three of my uncle’s daughters ended up becoming mechanics.”
“Why aren’t you at home?”
“I spent all my money on furniture for my apartment, so I couldn’t afford to fly back to Colorado.” We continued talking for quite some time and ended up having dinner together. My Christmas was much better after that and New Year’s Eve went even better.
I started hanging out with Nick all the time. He even taught me how to make drinks with the espresso machine. It was great to finally have someone to spend time with.
One Friday night I was at Nick’s apartment. We were watching movies, and Nick kept reaching over and tickling me. We ended up on the floor wrestling, when a phone started ringing. We both reached for our cell phones.
“Hello?” we said simultaneously.
“Wynter, honey, is that you?” Nick shrugged and hung up his phone.
“Mom?” I hadn’t talked to my mom since she told me she had started AA.
“I tried you at home but there was no answer, and it was important. So, I’m sorry if I interrupted something...”
“Mom, what is it?”
“It’s grandma, honey.” I got up off of Nick and leaned back against the couch. He looked at me with a mix of confusion and concern. From the sound of my mom’s voice, I could tell this wasn’t going to be good.
“What’s wrong?”
“She had a heart attack, honey. She didn’t make it.”
“Oh god no.” Suddenly, I could hardly breathe and the edges of my vision were getting blurry.
“Wynter, can you come home?”
“I, uh,” my throat was closing over and I couldn’t think straight. I was going to faint or throw up, I just wasn’t sure which.
“Wynter?” I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. The faint feeling started to go away.
“Yeah, I’ll get a ticket as soon as possible. I’ll be there soon.”
“It’s gonna be okay, honey. I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.” I turned my phone off.
“Wynter, what’s wrong? You went pale, I thought you were going to faint.”
“My grandma died.”
“Oh god, I’m sorry.”
“I need to go home. I need to call an airline. I need to pack a bag. I need a ride to the airport,” it came out as one long word.
“Slow down. I’ll drive you back to your place. You can call the airline on the way. And I’ll drive you to the airport.” Nick drove me back to my apartment and I called a couple of different airlines.
“Shit!” I threw my phone down.
“What?”
“The earliest I can get out is tomorrow morning at seven.” We got back to my place and Nick came up with me. He stayed while I packed my bag, but around eleven he started to leave.
“Nick, wait. Can you stay here with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”
“Okay.” I showered and he made up the pull out couch. I went to bed, but after a few minutes got up again. I walked out into the living room, where Nick laid wide awake.
“Could you just,” my voice broke, “hold me?”
“Yeah, sure.” He moved over and pulled the blanket aside so I could lie down. I got in next to him and he put his arms around me. We woke up the next morning at about five. We got dressed and drove to the airport. I checked in and then we went to get breakfast in one of the airport restaurants. Nick ate some breakfast, but I just drank coffee. Finally, they called my flight.
Nick gave me a hug and told me to call him when I knew when my flight home was. I got on the plane and found my seat. Nothing had yet registered yet. All I could think was that it wasn’t true, it hadn’t happened. I was completely numb.
The flight went very quickly and I caught a taxi from DIA to my mother’s house. I knocked on the door and hoped that she was there. She opened the door almost immediately and stepped out. She took one look at me and hugged me. I finally felt it all come crashing in, and I burst into tears.
Mom led me into the house and ran back out to get my bags. She came back in and got me a glass of water and a box of tissues. I curled up into a ball on the couch and sobbed. Mom sat down next to me and rubbed my back. After I had cried all I could, I was completely emotionally exhausted. She took me up to my room and put me to bed. She left to help grandpa finish with the funeral arrangements.
I woke up four hours later and went to take a shower. I could feel my chest tighten every time I breathed, and there was a permanent lump in my throat. I got dressed and went to find something to do. TV, a movie, a book, a video game, anything that would distract me, even for a little while. Mom came home around seven that night. She sat down on the couch next to me and watched me play Smash Brothers.
“You know, you should take that with you when you go back home, I don’t need it.”
“Okay.”
“Are you feeling better?”
“A little. How are you doing?”
“Okay. I guess.”
“I mean, do you need to go to a meeting or something?”
“I’ve just been.”
“Okay. So when is the funeral?”
“There will be a viewing followed by a service tomorrow at one.”
“Are we doing that whole potluck thing too?”
“Yeah, back here after we go to the cemetery.”
“How’s grandpa taking this?”
“I’m not real sure yet.”
I went back to my game and she went back to watching me for a while.
“Mom, um, I know I haven’t been home in a while and I’m really sorry about that. But, uh, other than this, how are you doing?”
“I’m doing really well.”
“I’m sorry about everything that happened last time I was here.”
“It’s okay, I understand.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“What made you finally stop?”
“After you left I hardly had a reason to even get up anymore and all I could think about was what I had done to you. I realized that it couldn’t get any worse and I was sick of it.
“I’m really glad you got help.”
“I’m really sorry I waited so long, but you have to understand that I was lost without him. I don’t mean to make excuses or anything, but I was lost. I just wish I hadn’t missed the best years of our life together.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“I’m exhausted, so I’m gonna go on to bed now.”
“Goodnight, mom.”
“Goodnight.”
“I love you.” She stopped suddenly, turned and smiled.
“I love you too, Wynter.” Mom went upstairs and I went back to my game. I guess grandma dying made me realize that life was way too short to continue to be mad at mom. I finished my game and went to bed.
The next morning I got up, showered, and put on a black skirt, black shirt, black nylons, and black heels. I went down to the kitchen and made potato salad and lemon bars, while mom made fried chicken. We went to grandpa’s house and piled into his black Lincoln Towncar. We drove to grandma’s church and went in to take our seats by the casket. The preacher was the only other person in the church. Mom and grandpa stayed to talk to the preacher about the service, I went into the room they had set up for the viewing.
Grandma looked so peaceful, like she wasn’t even dead. I hadn’t seen grandma in a very long time. Now I regretted not coming home more often. I thought about getting a job in Denver, but there’s no way either of the papers could pay me as much as I’m making at Playboy. Grandpa and mom came in and we all sat down. People started filing in to pay their respects and offer condolences. The preacher gave a nice sermon and grandpa gave a beautiful eulogy, that both mom and I cried through.
After we buried grandma, a whole bunch of family and friends came back to mom’s house. We set up a buffet with all the food people had brought. It’s funny that the best meal ever given in your honor is the one you can’t attend.
Family members that I hadn’t seen in years kept coming up and asking me where I was working. When I told them, they’d shake their head in disapproval and walk away. It finally occurred to me that I hadn’t eaten in like 48 hours. I sat down in the kitchen and ate some fried chicken and potato salad. People walked in to get more food, and would look at me and shake their heads.
I couldn’t take anymore of this, I went upstairs to hide in my room. I noticed mom’s bedroom door closed, I cracked the door open. Grandpa was leaning out the window, smoking. I walked in and tapped him on the shoulder.
“Give me a puff, grandpa.” He handed me the cigarette.
“What’s wrong?”
“No one approves of my job.”
“Ah, don’t worry about it. Grandma was proud of you, and so are your mom and I.”
“Thanks, grandpa.”
I went back to California the next day and Nick met me at the airport. I walked off the plane and saw Nick standing there.
I suddenly remembered that the night I left, I had planned to finally take a new step in our relationship. In fact, if mom hadn’t called, that wrestling would have definitely led to something more. I walked over to him, dropped my bags, and kissed him.
“Whoa, Wynter, are you sure about this?”
“Definitely.”