The first rant of the New Year and it is a whiney little doozy, so don't say I didn't warn you.

I don't know why I get wound up about things. They never turn out. I know from the start they are doomed, I know with a cold certainty. But each time, I allow myself to think "This will be different." And it ends up thudding on the ground, never taking off for a minute. ("Just the bang and a clatter, as an angel hits the ground.) Or it becomes so hideously distorted that I am embarressed to admit I ever wanted it.

Well, this time it was the former. And you know, another lesson I never learn is that you shouldn't blab your good fortune to people. It jinxes it, but again, I tell myself that it won't. That it's kids stuff.

This time, I really did think it would at least get off the ground. I even (I thought) had myself prepared for disappointment. Because this time, it involved publication of something I had written. It was a professor's suggestion and I was promised a partnership. "We should publish." "We will edit." And what happens but a withdrawl of the help, but an empty wish for good luck when I have no idea how to go about this. I don't know how to submit something. I don't know how to edit. Who will read it and tell me, yes, it's time.

You see what I mean? I am just so shocked and appalled, so utterly crushed. I had myself prepared for disappointment, but only from the ultimate "we're not interested" rejection that it would receive. I was fully prepared for that. I was not prepared for this.

And I am so hurt that I don't want to see this person for awhile, until I get a grip, but not only are they my professor this semester, but my advisor as well. Yet, I know it's not their fault, life *did* intervene but that doesn't help me feel any better.

Life seemed charmed, it really did. This publication was the topper. I marveled at how easily I had fallen into things at school, that everywhere I went, I was faced with another oppertunity and more praise. And now I realize that life is just up to it's old tricks again and how quickly the disappointments can pile up. It doesn't take long to change from being a celebrated, popular, brilliant individual to becoming the miserable, unremarkable little shit that I always find myself playing.

I just wonder when the next one is coming. 2 down so far (one very expensive), umpteen to go.

Elisabeth