Bitching and Whining
01/07/02
Wow. Exactly one week since I wrote the last update. All I can say is damn.
My rant is sparked by the fact that it is Saturday night and I tried to IM somebody, only to find out they weren't on. And suddenly, I became very frustrated and then I realized I had been frustrated all day.
You see, my life moves in 3 boxes: Home, school, work.
Nothing in between. The last place I went that wasn't my house was a resturant tonight. Even that was with my family. I feel like pulling my hair out. I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything besides homework and receptionist stuff. I don't speak to anyone my own age except in class and on AIM and that's only if they don't have anything better to do.
Yes, it's another whiney rant. But you know what? I don't fucking care because I have nowhere else to whine. If I bitch about going crazy, I get my head bitten off because my parents have a real thing against anyone having a social life--and here's the deal. I have never had a social life. I have never had the phone ring off the hook for me, stayed out all hours, drove all over the state of Colorado. But they absolutely cannot stand, or comprehend why I would like to go out once and awhile with people. Ironically, get mad at them like I did today about leaving without so much as turning on their cell phone and I get "I guess we just can't leave the house, can we?" Or they bring up Sarah, who is admittedly in worse shape than I am...but at least she has been to a few concerts lately.
I'm sick of it. I'm 20 years old. I want to have fun and there is nothing wrong with that. I won't be made to feel bad about it. Of course, the whole problem in this argument is that I *have* nowhere to go. You see, everyone at my college showed up their first day with their social life fully formed and there is just not alot of room for a straggler like me. Plus, I'm too young and lack transportation, even if I did get invited, which I don't.
I'm not even going to touch the whole date issue, because that's just fucking depressing. I was told I would "meet nice guys in grad school." Well, I suppose that's only 2, 3 years away.
Of course, then I just get angry at the various people who have dumped me over the course of my short life and left me alone. And I get frustrated that I am always the nice one, the one that can always be counted on and while one should not be paid back for such things, it stings when no one is there for you, that you *don't* ger anything in return. I keep wondering about karma--I think I must have alot stored up, but maybe I'm selfish and it's been eaten away.
And I get frustrated that the rare afternoons that I am invited out, that I inevitably have to rush to work because everyone else wants Fridays off. It's good to be responsible and trusted, but sometimes one wants to just stick around, finish a ridiculously expensive Coke and play Bubble Hockey.
As you can tell, I'm sick and tired. Sometimes I think the only reason I get good grades, is simply because I don't have anything else to do. I look on with amazement at people who *do things*, who can find fun when they want to, who never lack for people to hang out with and who don't have to rant to an empty audience.
Oh, be sure to visit the archive and read "A Long Awaited Update." It's much better than this whiney crap and let's you know what I've been up to.
Wondering how many worried e-mails she'll get this time,
Elisabeth
