A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.
Sit in thy neighbor's lucky spot
Stare at thy neighbor's card
Take the caller's name in vain
Yell false bingo
Wish bad luck on thy neighbor
Threaten to kill the caller
Steal thy spouse's money for bingo
Brag about how much thou hast won
Whine about how much thou has lost
Covet thy neighbor's wins
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my humans face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy humans face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy humans genital regions.
Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy humans alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping humans bladder at a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at thy first opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that house plants are not meat.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your
food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you
set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birthto
Instructions - Please make sure you are connected to a friend before playing these songs on your phone, you don't want your phone bill to show a long distance call to some faraway country. Make sure your phone is set to touch tone.
4 4
2 4 # 8
Hap-py birth-day to you
1 1
2 1 9 8
Hap-py birth-day to you
1
1 9 9 0 0
9
Twin-kle, Twin-kle, Lit-tle Star
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I pour Spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Ultimately, the rat race will be won by a mouse.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
What do you do when you discover
an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, can we shoot them?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do medical "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A mushroom walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a drink. The waiter says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
A man goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication..
Click HERE to hear the Mansong,
it's pretty funny, about a guy who really does understand where
he stands in his relationship with his wife.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?
Come here first!
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in
variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your
home for $1.00.
Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's dog
1 Man, 7 Woman hot tub -- $850/offer
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, come with it's own 1993
Mustang, 5L, Auto, excellent condition $6800
German Shepherd 85 lbs. neutered. Speaks Germam. FREE.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used *************Call Chubbie
Nice parachute: Never opened - used once, slightly stained
1. In house wares, set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
2. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in domestics," and see what happens.
3. Go to Customer Service and put some M&M's on layaway.
4. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR sign to the carpeted areas.
5. Set up a tent in the camping department.... tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
6. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
7. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
8. Dart around the aisles suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
9. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "Pick me!! Pick Me!!."
10. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, any announcement, assume the fetal position and scream "NO, NO! It's those voices again
Click HERE to go back to Main Page
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